I may be here forever

[Ginger1]

I too believe very much in marriage and commitment. And MWD's books are great books for people in marriages that are dealing with the universal husband/wife issues.

But most of what we were dealing with and healing from were not universal issues. They were clear cut abuse,betrayal and severe dysfunction from the people that we gave our lives to. Jerry Springer type stuff.

"That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I"

Yes, Yes, Yes! This comment many of us can relate to. I know I do. I am constantly going over and over in my mind different things my ex said or did.

Ginger, I really think respect, love, and stability are out there. It exists. And there is absolutely no reason why it wont exist for you. You are stable, respectful, warm, and loving. And usually the universe gives back to us what we project. I think its natural to want a healthy romantic relationship. And I really truly think it will happen for you. There are like minded people out there.

Thanks Juju. I am trying do hard to not give up hope that things such as marriage commitment and love aren't fantasy. And thank you, I try to be a decent person and I do hope the universe throws it back at me soon. The thing is, while I hope it comes back around I realize even if it didn't, I couldn't just say "to hell with it" and become a shity person.

[Ginger1]

But I am not just fine. Everything that happened to me has really affected me. You now how abuse victims forget to not deal with the pain? Well, I realized I couldn't tell my stories because I would rather not deal with the reality. That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I.

Ginger,

I'm certainly not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I wonder if you suffer from chronic latent (masked) depression. There's a fair amount of evidence that the efficacy of antidepressants declines over the long-term. In recent years, there's been an increased interest in the use of ketamine, MDMA and other psychedelics (yep) for the treatment of depression. It might be worth looking into that kind of treatment. If your world looks brighter, you'll be happier and you'll be less likely to jump into an unhealthy relationship.

Of course, I also recommend copious consumption of hummus for all of life's woes. Unfortunately, the end result is stinky farts and the subsequent alienation of friends and family. Beware of hummus addiction.

I really don't know if I have chronic depression. I have been medicated for 2 years. And lightly. I truly think it is situational. There really is only so much one can take from external forces before they internalize them and crack. I've never done any drugs other than pot and I would probably freak out on those meds. I am the person you meet and would never know I am depressed. It's the last thing you would think of me. It's not that I am faking it. I do enjoy myself and have fun every now and then. And maybe I just know how to work through the crappy feelings, I really don't know.

I am Syrian and I love Hummus. But it's got to be the good homemade stuff.

[Ginger1]

Ginger, stop by my thread if you want, b/c I've been struggling with some "loopy" thoughts at night and saw a doctor yesterday.

I absolutely will

[quote=Ginger1]Zues,
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I am OK with no fairytale. I am very much a realist which can be mistaken for a pessimist sometimes. -

I have tried to get ok with being alone forever. It is simply not in my make-up.


okay so this^^ is You saying on one hand, you have an innate need (which I understand)

AND that you are "okay with being alone forever." That = you will not have your needs met.

[color:#CC0000]I am not okay with being alone forever. That's the problem. I wish I was.

Oh dear Ginger, this IS pessimistic and I swear, not realistic. - geez for MY sake, I hope it's not.
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-are close intimate relationships. They make me lively. It's a part of who I am. Human connection. That part of me is also why I chose my profession and was very good at it. Nursing is human connection. And I don't even do that anymore. I realize I can appreciate what I have and still want what fuels me and I have passion for.


if you really don't want to do nursing anymore - I mean, really, IF - that might be a reflection of an underlying depression that needs treating.

[color:#FF0000]I do want to do nursing. I currently am an RN who works in finance behind a desk not working with patients. I make good money, it is flexible with good hours, but as you can see from my time spent on here, it is boring and not what I became a nurse for. I gave up my bedside career because of the divorce. I miss patients, I miss challenges, I miss being a "real" nurse. Also a part of who I am. I gave up shiftwork because I had no help with D. I applied for a hospital case manager position which I think will give me a good balance between interacting and helping patients while not having to do shift work. Keep your fingers crossed!

Are you getting treated? I mean, by an MD?
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I see a psychotherapist who is wonderful. She is like a mom to me, which is what I need sometimes. I am being prescribed anti-D's by my primary physician.
As far as the other things? Exercise was a great big part of my life.- \\\

You will get exercise back in some form if you choose to.


Pursing other interests is a catch 22. I have my daughter most of the time. Our weekday night is not consistent.


Ginger, please do not accept this^^ as status quo and be stuck. There is choice for you to exercise.

You can change this^^^. Either get your ex to commit to a specific night - which is a normal reasonable expectation (!!) and he has her little as it is

[color:#990000]There isn't much of a choice. He can only do days OWW does not have court in the morning. he gives them to me a head of time. And I realize getting stringent on the day of the week would hurt me, if I need flexibility or a friend invites me out on a night he is with her. I weighed the pros and cons on this one often.

OR get his financial help to pay for a sitter on a regular night. This is also a normal, reasonable expectation.

and I believe with all my heart that your D would benefit from this in the long run.

I looked into this too. Babysitter for my recreational activities is not something he would be entitled to pay. He pays me child support (which is like nothing) which is supposed to cover the time she is with me. he would never pay. And legally, he isn't entitled to. Would she absolutely love a babysitter? Yes! She would love it. My wallet won't love it on a regular basis. But I will use them for a special invite.

Hey, maybe Tell your favorite bff (your ex's wife) you know "she wants to be fair..."

ha! No, she works long hours. And get always get her to school in the morning.

geez, maybe HER parents can take care of THEIR grandchild....even as I write that it makes me laugh and shudder in horror at the same time.

But let their idiocy benefit you if it can.

They live in PA. His sister has offered to watch her for me when I go out, but not on a regular basis.

If you don't GAL and detach, it's harder to bring new people into your life, isn't it?

seems to me it's hard for a man to enter your life inserting himself in the living room to make an instant family with no "couple" activities planned, no way to build an identity as a couple b/c you might have your D anytime your ex won't or says he can't.

Probably what I miss about FF is that he kind of did insert himself into my family and it was great. but when she was with her dad, we went on the best dates. We would do all day dates with a different activities, and it was awesome. I had the best of both worlds for 3 months of my life and it is hard to let go of.
You are one hundred percent right. It is a true conundrum. people ask why I don't meet anyone. How? Where? I committed to my special gym group and that's where I met FF. I did get out and in turn meet someone. And I made new friends. It was good for me. Don't get me wrong, when she is with her dad, I am out and about with friends. But I know a consistent hobby was good for me. I was feeling like myself again after the depression of my breakup when I joined that volleyball team. I made friends the first night, played a fun team sport, then had some drinks with them after. That adult conversation was so good for me. But the second night was the injury and I was out. I even went to the next game just to watch and hang out.

There are other reasons for you to GAL, than meeting a man, obviously. But in a way you are still letting your ex call the shots.

I worry you won't be able to GAL much if you cannot schedule time as a single woman on a regular basis.

in effect that is what you are saying.
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I cannot commit to something I cannot bring D10 to. I have no family and I can't afford a babysitter once a week.


you must involve her dad.
too many "I can't"s are in there^^^.



last year I asked him to take an extra night every other week during the week. he refused. The only way was if I pull our daughter out of school and place her in his town so it is more convenient for him. I almost smacked him through the phone.


I go to PT 3 times a week and she comes. I have been living this way my whole life. I am glad we don't do 50/50 for my sake. Plus he doesn't want it. But with zero family to help, it is all always me.


And bless her soul for being such a good sport tagging along with me to play volleyball or going to the gym or PT. I certainly can't expect anymore from her.



what does that mean? She's a good sport, God knows.
But if she knew she had a sitter (b/c we assume her dad or his wife won't step up to the plate?)
and she liked that sitter

how would one night be HER giving more? Honestly I think she'd learn to love it and value it.

Having a 3rd party affirm our children is not taking away something from them. It's adding.

[color:#990000]She would love one night a week with a sitter. I just cannot afford it. it stinks. She really is a good sport coming along, and I am sure she would rather not if she got to stay with a sitter.

That^^ is what I told myself when dropping the kids off at the nanny's and I feel validated b/c I had a great woman helping. My kids are on fb with her 25 years later...

plus you have to teach HER how to set boundaries or she will grow up and think all of her life is to support and revolve around others

and she won't know what it looks like to discover her needs and prioritize them.

You are the model for that. (OR she can be self centered and oblivious to other's needs and be like her dad...)

you are her only model for emotional and mental health and kindness in r's.

[/color]

As you can see, none of my needs are being met. I realize I live for everyone else but myself. I realize as a mother, that is a sacrifice we make. But my life has essentially revolved around what ex and OW decided for me. I have only chosen to make the best of the situation. But I am struggling big time.



I hear you. But Making "the best of the situation" is not really what's happening.

Can you see that?

How might you change things?

I really don't know how to change things. I always thought I was striking a good balance. But I am not. I just don't know how to do it without it costing me money I don't have. I already treat myself to a cleaning service once a month. I NEED it. I am really trying to figure out how to make this work for all of us without losing my mind.

Last night D10 and I were invited to her BFF's parents friends house for a Halloween party and trick or treating. I went last year and had a blast and I have hung out with some of these people with D10's BFF. They are my kind of people. We come from the same mold. I had a blast. They all camp together and do weekend getaways together and the such. The couples and their kids. And boy was I envious. I so wanted to be invited!

Tonight D10 goes with her dad. I am supposed to go to PT tonight. But I am going to cancel. I felt guilty at first because it's easier fo rme to go when I don't have D10, but I want a night for myself just getting stuff done around the house in my PJ's. So that's what I am going to do. Sans guilt.

[doodler]

I've never done any drugs other than pot and I would probably freak out on those meds.

I am Syrian and I love Hummus. But it's got to be the good homemade stuff.

Ginger,

Yeah, you're probably not chronically depressed, but it's a lot of fun to play Freud. Although I don't like cigars. Did you know that Sigmund Freud was addicted to cocaine?

I'm a squeaky clean choir boy, but I've heard from a friend of a friend that dropping acid and eating hummus is like the universe embracing you in a warm sparkling hug. Just don't let the universe squeeze too hard - toot toot.

I used to make my own hummus because I could tweak the recipe to my liking. But, I got lazy and the grocery store often has a two-for-one special.

[JujuB]

Just read 25s post amd she is making some really great points.

I have to work a few evenings a week. Its not convenient at all. I felt like a horrible mom, but the alternative for me is leaving outpatient and taking on hospital work which my back will not survive. But it ended up giving me a bit of a break during the day and his father has to pay a portion of childcare because im working while he is there.

Could you arrange something similar 1 day a week?

This time to myself is so valuable. If i didnt have it i dont know how i would get errands done. Or clean anything.

[Ginger1]

Oh boy, I don't even know where to begin. I am going to just kind of journal to get it out of my head. If any of you actually read this, thank you for sticking it out.

I'll skip the boring details of my weekend, but Saturday night I went out of the birthday of one of my gym friends. If you recall there was another friend who was very openly jealous of me and FF's relationship, which she admitted. She was also messaging him while we were dating, and she is just one of those weird sneaky b!tches. We were out, we hadn't seen eachother for sometime and she just couldn't wait to tell me that right after FF broke up with me, he began messaging her and talking to her going after her. She was like "yeah, I don't do that". So, I honestly don't know if I believe her or not. On one hand I do, because the birthday girl I was freidns with started talking about him a bit how all of a sudden he was dating his new GF so soon, I bet he was even talking to that other girl I was afraid he was dating. At one point I had enough of the night. The two-faced friend wanted to go hang out somewhere else with me and I actually pretended like my contact fell out because I just wanted to go home. This of course made me look at the R between FF and I. You were all right. His closeness right away is a flag. he is just a guy looking for a wifey going from girl to girl. So, I guess he found his girl. I felt like it was real, but I guess it wasn't. I was out and he called "next"!

Well, I joined POF a little over a week ago. I figured I would give it a shot. I got a LOT of messages but you really have to do your work on this site to weed out the booty callers. Most don't even read your profile which is very obvious. There were maybe 3 with potential. One we messaged a bit, he was cute, funny, a year older than me, we exchanged phone numbers. We chatted a little Saturday and I told him I was free all day Sunday. He told me he would call me when he got back from the gym at 5 on sunday and we would set something up. Well, I kind of built my day around the fact I was going out that night. I even let myself get a little excited. Well, he never called. When I wok up from my horrible nightmare at 11pm, here is how our text conversation went.

Me: I now daylight savings time screws people up, but it is way past 5"

Idiot: lol, You didn't show interest and you seemed busy/ try again or no?

Me: what exactly about me telling you that I was free with no commitments the next day and saying I was available to go out made me seem too busy or I wasn't interested

Idiot: (some weird video of him in a bathroom mirror)

Idiot: I'm free after 7 next Saturday

Idiot: I'm not looking for anything serious, I just want to hang out.

Me: I see you offer no apologies. My time is way too valuable to be wasted and disrespected. If you didn't want anything serious, you should put that in the section where you said "Interested in a Relationship" Even if you wanted nothing serious, it doesn't mean other's time is not valuable." I hope you find what you are looking for, but it is certainly not me.

And that was that. I HATE ONLINE DATING. There is one other guy I might give a chance to, he seems normal and interested, but I cannot deal with this BS. The last guy was a real douche too, and ghosted me twice when he seemed interested.

I seriously think I need to move out of this area to another section of this country where people show common decency.

And then, I had the most awful horrible nightmare of my life last night. I woke up drenched in sweat. Everyone I loved in my life turned on me. Including my daughter. I just laid in my bed and sobbed after that one. At least I had a dog to cuddle with.


Juju, I can't work evenings, so it isn't even an option. My IC an dI explored some possible options to get me one night a week but they are likely impossibilities. ANd you are by no means a horrible mom, you are doing what you need to for your family. You need the bit of a break during the day. I miss working nights sometimes and having my days off. I felt like I was able to get so much more done!

I NEED first in my life for my job to change. Something has to come of this. This might be the catalyst for more good things to come.

In the meantime, my daughter currently has straight A's, at the Baptism we attended, family we haven't see in so long told my dad how impressed they were that I raised such a well-behaved, kind child. That meant a lot. My fear has always been screwing up my child, but I think if even if I s*ck at everything else in my life, I did well by my child.

[Dawn70]

Oh my goodness, Ginger! How I wish we could sit down in person and talk because I just KNOW we would hit it off. I joined POF last week too and I TOTALLY agree with what you said about having to weed through the ones who just want booty calls. OMG!!!!!!! I was excited the first night when I got a bunch of messages then when I weeded through them and actually only talked to 1 or 2 people, I had to work really hard to not sit there and think all men are like that. I KNOW they are not, but what is it about being online that makes men think it's ok to act that way? I thought it was just me attracting such, but sadly, it makes me feel good to know that it's not just me. No offense to you, Ginger, just saying I totally empathize with what you are saying. Hang in there, girl! Something amazingly good is coming your way....I just know it!

[kml]

I actually pretended like my contact fell out because I just wanted to go home.

This is brilliant! I need to remember this move.

AS for the online dating - first of all, do NOT make a date with someone you just met online! ONLY COFFEE DATES to start. Something with a strict time limit so you can exit gracefully after 45 minutes. You don't want to go on a real date until after you've met in a casual public situation.

Second - the "I'll call you after the gym" should have been your red flag. Someone who is interested MAKES a PLAN, doesn't wait to see if he happens to be available and a better offer hasn't come along in the meantime.

And yes, there's a lot of booty call BS you have to weed through. Don't take it so seriously, just expect that 9 out of 10 will not be serious. Try to talk to them online long enough to see they're not a perv, then set up a daytime coffee date to further check out whether they're weird or not.

(Also, btw, not setting a plan to meet can mean either they're married, or catfishing and don't even live in town. )

Yes, it's frustrating but if you just get a little savvy and realize you have to sift through a lot of toads, there are good guys out there too. Btw, I met my first guy on Plenty Of Fish but later on I found better prospects on OK Cupid - seemed overall a little better educated and hipper.

[Zues126]

Good luck G. As you know I've never dated in real life or online, and I can see why you'd think it's impossible. And for most people that may be true. But for what it's worth I think you are the person that has the potential to make it work. You have a good balance where you don't put up with garbage yet you are willing to be reasonable, you have your guard up but you are interested in letting it down, and so on.

I'm kind of curious what your profile says. By the way that's not a request for you to share it, I'm just trying to imagine what I think it would say. I went through a phase where I thought about what my profile would say, but eventually I discovered the only profile that truly reflects me is none posted. At least it's honest.

Hang in and get some sleep. Sleep is good. And cut those nightmares out. The people that matter are in your corner for life. Have a good dream. I'll give you a topic. Zero calorie oreo cookies.

[Fogg]

Ginger,

Online dating can be tricky, I'm sorry you had that experience. I've heard before women typically get a bunch of responses from men who are searching for just casual sex or to hang out. I know it might seem like too much but don't let that give the impression most men are like that. I watched a video once where a guy was explaining why men tend to get this image and women only find the playboys. There's certainly a group of men who act that way and will message/hit on every women they come into contact with daily. So these are the men who are doing the vast majority of interactions with women, which gives that impression most men are like that. Basically, a few ruin the image for all. Some of us are much more cautious to initiate the first interaction so we don't do it as often. Just have to be patient with us, were out there.

I'm not sure if it helps at all but I didn't have the best experience with POF either. I didn't message first much but I seemed to attract very desperate and clingy women who did, and even ones who were obvious WW just ending their M. One girl had just left her H the month before, had a 6 month old and was wanting to meet and already talking about kissing me on the second or third day of texting. So while she was really attractive and we had things in common that interaction sent me running for the hills, major red flags everywhere. I ended up just cutting off the conversation when I realized with most, I just don't have time for that in my life now.

Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel are two other apps that are a little slower paced and would put you in the drivers seat to initiate/sort through those conversations more but its not as extensive with the profile as say POF. However, I can definitely see a difference in the type of women who pop up there vs. other online places, so maybe its the same with the men.