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Quote:
Anyway, as we were talking we got into a conversation with two women sitting at the bar next to us. I was attracted to one of them. It turns out she's actually from my hometown and grew up not too far from me. I noticed she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. She even seemed to put her hand into positions so that I might notice (her left hand was on the opposite side from us). We made eye contact a few times.


^^^^^ is where it starts, good for you!! Getting your confidence back and realizing your value as a man will help you detach more than you know. Your value comes within and is not determined by whether or not your W finds you attractive or wants to be married. Keep it up!!

BTW....also good on you for not taking it further. Broken usually attracts broken smile.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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Holding,

Great job on holding a conversation with the opposite sex and enjoying yourself. You did nothing wrong. I hope it keeps you smiling even around your wife.

I'm glad you enjoyed the beer and ........


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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I think getting the "feeling" back is key. Not that we ACT on it.

But I do think it's key in starting to heal that enormous blow to our self-esteem that we get, just from rejection!

It's like suddenly we realize, HEY, MAYBE IT'S NOT ME! Maybe they just chose a different path or person, but I can still be someone else's FIRST choice.

Hang in there!

Last edited by Cadet; 10/13/17 09:40 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message

M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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I know I was not the perfect husband. But I did so much for her. When she was having panic attacks and didn't want everyone else to know, I helped her through them and kept her secret. I helped her get ahead in her career by caring for the kids by myself. I was super frugal when money was tight. I endured years of her snappy comments, coldness, the SSM, and her general sour mood. Why wasn't I the one to leave?


Although there may be some women out there who would give anything to have a H described in the above paragraph, your W is not of them. The more you took care of the mundane jobs of homemaking, child care, and pinching pennies.......the less she was attracted to you. You sheltered her, catered to her, and freed her from wife and motherly duties so she could spend more time focused on advancing on her job.

When this pattern continues, it tells me that that woman should have planned to just have a career, and not bring children into the world that she is not going to be there to raise. It made me angry when she suggested having another child, with no intentions of being there to care for it. Your comments actually reminded me of women who have too much burden on their shoulders and the man (who spends his time on the job) decides he wants to enlarge his family......without any consideration to the stress it will add to her. In this case, the roles have been reversed. But your answer sounded as if you were panicking at the thought of having another child (and I don't blame you)...b\c you were logically seeing how you would not have any help from the mother. She'd have the baby and hand it over to you. And her reason for wanting another child was so she could have a girl? I don't get why these women want kids when they don't want to take care of them.

Anyway, I had intended to say that there have been many H's with a story just like you have shared. A W who is selfish, has a sour disposition, has a SSM, says just enough to show disrespect for her H, and leaves the care of the children and housework to the H. I don't know why, but these women lose respect for the H, and the attraction is gone. And, the more he tries to keep the home fires going, and be there to help her anyway possible, and make excuses for her bad attitude\moods, the less attraction she has for him.

If you read JRuss story, you may recognize you and your W. I was not able to help him, and I offended him in my attempt to get him to "toughen up" with his W. His response to me made me realize I had hit some tender spots.....or maybe it was bad timing, IDK.

I said all of that to say this....... if your W has always been on the "spoiled" side....where you, her parents, or someone catered to making her happier....only it never lasted or it wasn't enough? I would say the problem is in her. If she has had a sense of entitlement most (or maybe all) the time you've known her......then the problem is in her. If her having a bad attitude, giving the silent treatment or cold shoulder is pretty normal in the MR........then I think the problem is in her. It is rare to see this type of woman change as long as her H and parents cater to her. I believe she can change, but it would be very difficult for this H....after all this time has passed....to "tame the shrew", so to speak. If it had began at the first start of the relationship......it would have been easier. But now, IDK.

I do not agree with your C about apologizing to your W! It would only add to her contempt for you. I think your C is just at a loss to tell you what to do about your MR.

It's very telling when you describe how much better you feel when the W is not there. I have to wonder why you want to continue living with someone who doesn't appreciate you. And I want you to know this, the SSM will not get better unless she has a major overhaul in her heart. She uses you and is not attracted to you. If you can't figure out why......then don't expect her to change for the better.

JRuss once said I had not given him constructive advice in a post I sent, which is correct. We can't always give advice in every post. But hopefully, I've given you something to think about. And, if I am completely wrong about your W, please tell me b\c I really want to know.

((Hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks for stopping by, Sandi! I'll respond in my new thread.

New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2765897&page=1

Cadet, please lock this one up.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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