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Originally Posted By: Joseph9
Quote:


No one likes or wants someone who is needy, clingy, angry or controlling.

You just have to let it all go........


Exactly not even a LBS want a needy, clingy, angry or controlling person.

Let all of that go, like J9 said.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted By: Maika
Thanks Joe. I appreciate hearing about how you're working on it. I am trying to be vigilant and self-aware in how I am feeling and recognizing situations beforehand where I know that I am going to get irritated.

So, either I can get annoyed or let it go and see it for what it actually is. I have to say that I am nowhere near being great at it right now, but I have tons of opportunity to practice with my kids because I know that I get like that around them.

If I can figure it out, and truly figure it out and be chill, with my kids, then I know I can do that with her as well.

I think the deeper issue that is driving all of this for me is to have that sense of control of everything around me. And this is due to lotsa stuff in my life where I had no control over things and I had to just adapt and survive.


I understand & agree with this^^^. It's an insight that is valuable. And now you have to change a part of you that behaves in a way that does not serve you well at all.

The controlling behavior hurts people you love & relationships you value. Keep that in mind when you start to feel that your "way is better"

ask yourself what your real fear is. "If my w cooks the pasta too much, then what 'disaster' befalls us? Oh, none."

"if she loads the dishwasher 'wrong', then what? A glass might break - and THEN WHAT??" If the glass is that important, hand wash it.

When you realize it won't mean your "mom/dad are never coming home" or that you'll still have food on the table (or whatever childhood issue is triggered)

maybe you'll calm down more. There's a workshop called "Essential Experience" in Philly you may want to check out. Several DBers have gone (as have I) and it's life changing. Quite profound.

3.5 days long and seems kind of more "efficient" in jump starting change, than weekly therapy, though I always say "do it all" if you can. Anyhow, check it out if you're interested.




I am not in survival mode anymore and so I need to figure out how to keep that beast underground.



I know that if I ever truly need to be in survival mode, I can do it.

hmm, not to terrify you but, relationally, aren't you in survival mode now, b/c your m is threatened? Seems like Change is needed.


But, it doesn't have to be every minute of every day. If I can solve that, I know that I can solve a lot of other issues that I have.



Did you say you have an IC? (Sorry i can't read the thread from here)

keep up the work. Taking in & doing the Serenity prayer may help.

Insights are the start to authentic change. But implementation & deep discomfort with making those changes, is HARD.

Still, seems like Not changing would be worse, wouldn't it?



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Maika Offline OP
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Thanks 25! Yes, I do have an IC and that has been super helpful.
I am being more vigilant with my kids and reflecting on my behavior with them. I kinda screwed up a bit this weekend, but I identified ways for me to start being more self-aware and take a step back before I react. Also understanding how I am feeling and naming it - being annoyed or irritated.

I think one of the hardest thing for me is going to change my wiring around what I have identified as the key feeling - being disrespected. All of the actions my kids and W do that I don't like, it goes to the feeling of being disrespected.

I know that this is how I was raised culturally and it was just drilled into me. It has produced not so great results, so I have to figure out how to let it go and not identify other people's actions with feeling disrespected. I know they're not disrespecting me, but my reactions stem from feeling that way.

I just have to practice a lot and be very mindful. I also realized I need to be more loving and present so that I can make these changes for myself. I am a bit harder on my son and I need to change that. I never yell or get mad, but I get super irritated with him. I really dislike that about myself cuz I know he's just a kid. And he's an amazing sweet sensitive kid and I just want to give him lots of love and support and guidance. Being the way I am, I know that I am not doing a good job of that.

I will work on it consistently because I want my kids to grow up with a loving and supportive father, who is not a pushover, but they don't have to walk on eggshells around me.

Ahhhh!! I am so torn and raw inside because I love them so much and I feel that I am causing them anxiety when they're with me. I don't want that for them. I know how that feels.

Yes, I am in survival mode with the M in this sitch right now, but I am cognizant of it. Previously I didn't even recognize that I was in that mode all the time. I am trying to slow down, not make any impulsive decisions and choices, and be more self-aware of my feelings and question where they're coming from and what I am reacting to. I never did that in the past. So, even in survival mode right now, I am working to get out of it and see that the future is not all doom and gloom. There is brightness and I am a worthy person. My self-worth has been crushed over the last many years and I am working to bringing it back.


No one is coming to save you!

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Maika,

You are not alone. I put my boys in the sitch. They felt uneasy around me and hated coming to me for support. Over the last few months, I have been showing them support and being very patient with them. I do get irritated, but then I realized they are just kids. The process of changing my approach took a lot of hard work and still does. But to my surprise and didn't take long for my boys to see the changes. Now they come and give me hugs, ask me to do thing for them, (ask me to read them books before bed and take them outside), before they were hesitant. They walk up to me now with their arms wide open to give me a hug, and my S6, gives me kisses all the time. I didn't realize the type of impact my anger and irritation was having on my relationship. Kids forget fast, and that's a blessing.

I was walking on eggshells around my W as well, I'm careful on how and what I say. But now, I say what I feel like saying. I'm being myself and it feels great. This weekend I helped them put up Halloween decorations and took them to a fair. I really enjoyed it. My wife help and came to the fair as well. I have noticed that the better the relationship with my boys are the better the relationship with my wife gets. I read somewhere that women love through their kids and what the kids feel the wife feels. I had a horrible relationship with my S9 and that's my wife heart. I'm not saying all our boys aren't but the way he feels is the way she usually feels. Now our relationship is a whole lot better. I have learned to be unselfish in all I do with them. All my actions put the boys first. Buying clothes, food, activities, the boys come first. My W has noticed and so has the boys. So now that my relationship with S9 has improved so has the relationship with W and he seeing that is great as well.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I still get irritated but now I have coping mechanisms to deal with them, which I didn't have before. One is I take a step back take a deep breath then go back to what I was doing. It take about a sec to complete, but I give myself time to reflect on the problem are situation at the moment, and then continue, that allows me not to explode.

Maybe you can use that. If so, I hope it helps.

I also smile and laugh around the boys, before I go in the house after a stressful day at work, I yell it out in the car and then walk in the house optimistic and ready to be joyful around them. Positive energy begets positive energy.

You are doing great, the biggest hurdle is recognizing the problem and you have already jumped over that one.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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M....I am proud of you for tackling this issue within yourself. I know it is something that won't be easy to change but something tells me that if anyone can it will be you.

I grew up in a house with a stepfather who was very controlling. He grew up very poor and he took care of everything he had. Showers were limited to no more than 5 minutes, when you are brushing your teeth the water needs to be turned off between brushes, I had to keep my car always clean and detailed, lights are always turned off when you leave the room, etc. etc. etc. It was horrible and it was the 1 thing I vowed to never let my children experience. He was like a drill sergeant. I always felt like I was walking around on eggshells, it was not a pleasant experience.

so are you completely settled in your new place yet?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Maika Offline OP
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Thanks Joe. My relationship with my son has improved but I could've done some things differently last weekend. I know to keep myself more aware.

J-dawg - yeah, I know what it feels like to live with a controlling adult. I had that most of my life too and I never thought I would inherit some of those characteristics. Well, I did and now I have to dismantle that behavior so I can be a better parent to my kids. I don't nearly do anything near to what I had experienced, but my attitude and behavior is still controlling in that sense. I thought I was doing things differently, but now I see that maybe I wasn't yelling or screaming at my kids, but I still wasn't there for them the way I needed someone to be there for me. So, I am going to keep on improving this aspect of my character and make sure my kids don't grow up in an environment where they have to walk around eggshells.

Not completely settled in yet. Work is bananas right now and I will get some time to breathe at the end of this month. Plan on taking a couple of days off early November to regroup and just relax. I will tackle the new place then. The basics are done, but I still need to do some more stuff to get it homely.


No one is coming to save you!

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Originally Posted By: Maika
Thanks 25! Yes, I do have an IC and that has been super helpful.
I am being more vigilant with my kids and reflecting on my behavior with them. I kinda screwed up a bit this weekend, but I identified ways for me to start being more self-aware and take a step back before I react. Also understanding how I am feeling and naming it - being annoyed or irritated.

I think one of the hardest thing for me is going to change my wiring around what I have identified as the key feeling - being disrespected. All of the actions my kids and W do that I don't like, it goes to the feeling of being disrespected.


Wow what an interesting insight^^. (Good for you)

So, this could mean that loading the dishwasher their own way, or being late, or whatever

becomes way more than merely a difference but an insult to you?

And it seems it's something you feel compelled to address, and

those 3 problems are, to be blunt, yours.

Unfortunately they greatly affect others, and they are not serving you well at all.

Do you think if you were more secure with yourself, and capable of stepping back and giving them space to be their own people, it would help you not link it to their respect for you?

I mean, in a way you are saying that all their choices end up being about you.




I know that this is how I was raised culturally and it was just drilled into me. It has produced not so great results, so I have to figure out how to let it go and not identify other people's actions with feeling disrespected. I know they're not disrespecting me, but my reactions stem from feeling that way.

I think where the head goes, the heart will follow. Keep in mind these^^ beliefs are so NOT serving you and are creating wedges between you and your kids and wife.


I just have to practice a lot and be very mindful. I also realized I need to be more loving and present so that I can make these changes for myself. I am a bit harder on my son and I need to change that.

do you have a positive role model for being more easy going?


I never yell or get mad, but I get super irritated with him. I really dislike that about myself cuz I know he's just a kid. And he's an amazing sweet sensitive kid and I just want to give him lots of love and support and guidance. Being the way I am, I know that I am not doing a good job of that.

I will work on it consistently because I want my kids to grow up with a loving and supportive father, who is not a pushover, but they don't have to walk on eggshells around me.

Ahhhh!! I am so torn and raw inside because I love them so much and I feel that I am causing them anxiety when they're with me. I don't want that for them. I know how that feels.

can you tell them this^^ in an age appropriate way?




M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
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Maika Offline OP
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Hey 25!

Yes, those problems are all on me. It has nothing to do with them but me. It's like I created a script of how life needs to be run on a daily basis and if anyone deviated from that, it would piss me off.

I do need to be more secure with myself and I am really putting that into practice. There are some fundamental things about me that I cannot change, and coming to grips with that has been a lifelong battle. Something I don't want to openly talk about here because in case someone ever may find out who I am. But I was born with a condition that has affected me my whole life and in particular how it has really screwed up my identity - that has been one of the main things that has made me insecure and created a level of self-hatred, sadness, and loads of psychological pain in my life. I have lived with it and it is not something I can change.

So, I am changing up the script and realizing that I am a good person with fantastic qualities and this one thing doesn't get to define my identity and happiness. It is what it is and I had no control over it, no matter how hard I tried my whole life.

There are other aspects that come into play as well - divorced parents, growing up with a narcissistic mom (didn't realize that until last 5 years), constantly being gaslighted by her, and being uprooted from the rest of my family because of her madness etc etc.

So, been living in crisis mode most of my life.

I do have some positive role models in my family and I have reconnected with them and forged a strong bond over the last two years. It is helping me even more now that I am in this situation.

I have loosened up in the last week and it has been tremendous in some ways. Small steps but it has been very positive.

My kids are more relaxed and my son told me ILY when I put him to bed last night. I always tell him that but he rarely says it back, but last night was different. I held my emotions until I left his room and then tears just streamed down.

Work has been bananas for me and I've been super tired this week. With me feeling that way it is a perfect situation for me to lose it and get irritated. But, I knew that I was going to be reactive and I just stopped myself from worrying about little things. I didn't order my kids around. They ate dinner and we chatted. They went and got dressed and washed up and everything and I wasn't compelled to hurry them up or get them to do things in a rote manner. I just let them be and you know what - they got everything done without me nagging them. I just stayed positive and didn't let the little things bother me - like my son playing around before getting into his pj's.

And what I am working on is being internally calm, not just outwardly. I wasn't irritated or annoyed with them and just went with the flow. Nothing bad happened. They spent five more minutes on everything than if I had ordered them around. Read them both stories and put them to bed and it was later than they usually go to bed, but so what. I just let it go and it was a relief.

I am just going to continue to monitor myself and know which situations are triggering for me and be proactive about it.

Best of all, they weren't anxious or felt like I was monitoring their moves. I just consciously didn't check up on them in their rooms and let them be. They got it all done and didn't need me as the drill sergeant giving them orders. It was good.


No one is coming to save you!

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M...I have no words one of your best posts yet. It really sounds like you are breaking down some walls and engaging in some true self-discovery. Whether your W comes back or not I know you will win in the end. I could feel the power and emotion in your words as you described putting your son to bed. AMAZING!

One thing I had to learn about during this journey was the value I have inside of me as a man. Obviously we only know what you share but just remember that you do have fantastic qualities and attributes and you don't need anyone else to validate your self-worth. You have everything you need inside of you, it has always been there!

Continue to find your peace and internal happiness! You deserve it!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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M,

Yo, I know that feeling and it feels awesome. About three weeks ago, I dropped my kids off at school in the morning. And my S6 gave me a hug and kiss before he got out. It was unprompted by me. It came out of nowhere. After they got out the car, I felt like the greatest man alive. My son is 6 and that was his first time showing me affection in that manner. I knew then, what I was doing was making an impact. You have done the same thing.

I finally realized that kids are going to be kids. A extra five mins to get dressed, why let that bother me and make our relationship strained without kids. I use to be so impatient with my boys, just like you. I still have some moments, but what's great now, is I feel it coming on, and I can catch myself and correct myself. Kids are going to make mistakes, and I rather them make mistakes in front of me then anywhere else. I need to feel safe enough to come to me no matter what happens to them in life and I know you feel the same. And them thinking we will blow up on them, will keep them away in the hard times of their lives. We don't want that.

Great Job M. You deserve the love.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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