I have been struggling with my relationship for a year and a half now, ever since my spouse (through 17 years and on son 13y) said he had had enough, and then went out on the sea for 5 weeks, without saying more and not wanting to talk about it while he was away. But to make a long story short. He didnīt leave and still hasnīt but says he also wants to try to make it work. But we seem to just be standing still.
I have to mention that I really went down after that day, I really felt broken, now I have figured out that it was not only about what happened - but my reaction was mostly due to everything I have been through since I was 3 years old, parents divorce many time, they moved me to my grandparents multiple times and suicide attemps in the family (not me though) but again to make a long story short, I have been through enough bad things, so this was sort of "the drop over the edge" for me and broke me completely down. So yes I have done all the wrong things, cried, begged etc... and still he is here?
Fortunatly I did stumble across this book somewhere along the way and have red it and I am trying to as much as I can to follow these rules, even how hard I think it is, especially while living in the same house, and actually we donīt fight, we just live at roommates, and I hate that we donīt have any intimacy, I really donīt want a roommate?
My spouse is a person who doesnīt talk at all about anything that bothers him, and he never has, he just has kept everything in all these years and now everything bursted out at once and he had such a negative approach towards me, and he has all right to be, he was very right about alot of things, not all though - but I have listened and have taken care of alot of the things he has mentioned, but he still will not move the relationship forward again, I honestly donīt know what he is waiting for - because the changes are extremely obvious and he has noticed all of it, and is still here?
One problem I am having with this approach is the pursue/distance part, I know i have been pursuing him, and I am trying all i can NOT to do that and can manage pretty good, sometimes I fall inn unfortunatly, especially the no intimacy part it bothering me, I have no idea how to deal with that. Because I feel like I am worth nothing when there is no intimacy and I feel that I am drifting further and further away from him.
And one of his complaints was that I didnīt priorities him enough, which he it very right about, and the same with him, he has always taken his job before us, but i have learned only to listen to him and not defend myself - but i feel like we are going no where?
He is like a elephant who never forgets anything, and brings old stuff up again and again, event things that we talked about many years ago, that I thought where out of the way - but i was wrong? I am at my wits end now and have no idea what to do... to get him to understand that i have my limits with this. (there has not been any infidelity, he had a emotional affair for 2 months, only chat - but that broke me even more a few months back, and right after that he changed for one month, really wanting things to work, and intimacy came back a little bit, but after 1 month, he just closed of again - and afterwards he said it was because I moved to fast ? still he didnīt say anything, just waited until it was to late ?
He owns the house and we are not married, and I really donīt want to move out and give him a ultimatum, but soon I donīt know if that is the only thing left to do - he has said all the time that if any of us should go - he will move out, he doesnīt want our son to be affected by this.
My problem is, as a divorce child, I know what this does to a child, and the last thing in this world i want to do, is to do the same to our son?? I really haded my parents divorce, no matter how "good" they tried to make it, let me say, i almost still wish they could figure it out together. And I love my spouse with all my heart and I donīt want to mess this up - but I want to some how move forward now.
I have just start talking to a therapist about all my issues, including the fear of abandonment and fear of rejection and feeling unloved and feeling like I am so easy to just throw away - like I have felt all my life. So yes I know the way forward is to work on my own issues, and that is what I am concentrating on - oh boy this is still hard.
How did you cope with the "no intimacy" issue, while stilling lying in the same bed every night? I really donīt get it nor do I understand the point of it - why should he be here after 1,5 year and not wanting anything... he says he wants to, but doesnīt know how to "get there" again? I have to stop pursuing him - but I think its very very hard when sleeping in the same bed every night - let me say he is not one who forgives and forgets easily - and he had a "perfect" family growing up compare to my very [censored] up family, so often I feel like he has no idea what I have been through, he doesnīt know it all, nobody does, but he know plenty, now at least - unfortunatly I have always been a very closed person, when it comes to what I have been through, and that is one of his critic points of me, that I didnīt come to him with everything (but I couldnīt even talk to my self about this stuff - nor anybody else, and I had no idea how to tell him this stuff?). Now I wish I had of course.
Well I am not sure what wanted with this post, I guess maybe just to get it out and see if you have any good advice on how to move forward, without moving out and giving it all up?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
How did you get by the no intimacy problem, i dont understand how a spouse can say he wants this to work and at the same time do nothing for making it work, just saying i dont know what to do and not looking for any information?? I really dont understand it
Well I can keep posting, I found out that the worst time is at night, when I really feel the lack of intimacy (rejection), I try to handle it and try to not expect anything, and it works fine for a few days, but then there comes an evening where everything just burst out??? and I feel like i ruin everything... OMG this is hard, if anyone hear have any ideas on NOT to have these outburst every few weeks, any advice is more than welcome
Hello BB78, I was about to type a lengthy reply (as most of mine tend to be) but I noticed you haven't posted since your first few posts a week ago, are you still around?
Yes still around just been out of the country for a few days for work. Home again now, H is here at home, but still no intimacy, and I still have a hard time with is, especially feeling worthless and unloved and not worth fighting for I know what Inam suppose to do, but its extremely diffecult while being at home with him, and I dont know what to read into the fact that he is still here??
Well a bit more to the story.. its kind of extra complicated since H is away for 6 weeks and then home for 6 weeks, and everytime I feel its starting to be a little bit better, he goes away and we a step backwards again, I get extremely insecure when hes away... and the annoying thing is, he is still at home and says if anyone leaves it will be him??
But he doesnt leave and it doesnt seem like he will and he talkes about doing this and this with the house? And since it feels like we are getting nowhere with the intimacy problem, I get extremely insecure and have a really hard time believing him. For example I asked him before he left yesterday if we are ok? And he said yes and actually didnt want to leave (but still no intimacy)? OMG I dont know why I need this intimacy to work so bad. He says he is scared that if he starts slowely, then i will want it all back right away?? I dont get this, how can we build something without intimacy, I just feel like a lovesick idiot? I really really need a way to cool down and to get out of my head and NOT worry about fixing us.
He has even said that I need to back of because I apparently am sad often, I keep it in, until I burst, and everytime its the intimacy problem that gets me??? I did not used to be like this I have alwyas been strong and of course will manage on my own. BUT i really really dont want to loose my family, I love him with all my heart, and unfortunatly I have not been good at showing that to him that good enough, I have always been scared of being left/abandoned/rejected...so I guess I have been protected my self with not letting him in 100%, and now I am paying for it 😔 and I have no idea how to make it up to him.
He also says we should just relax and wait until its, but OMG its hard to hold back my love??? I know what i need to do, but I just cant seem to figure it out to do it, instead I am in my head fixing-mode 24/7, with only a few minnuts break sometime... if I keep going like this I will end up going crazy... how the heck can I just detache and STOP TRYING? 😭😢
Fortunatly I did stumble across this book somewhere along the way and have red it and I am trying to as much as I can to follow these rules, even how hard I think it is, especially while living in the same house, and actually we donīt fight, we just live at roommates, and I hate that we donīt have any intimacy, I really donīt want a roommate?
You would be surprised at how often this happens. We get a lot of people who come here and say their spouse is done and wants out of the M, but then they continue to live in the family home more or less as roommates. In some cases they even continue to have sex. Yet when any of these LBSers press their WAS about the R, they find out their attitude still hasn't changed, they still want out. The thing is, a WAS often does enjoy the "comfort" of a home life so they will continue that even though they think the M is "over".
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but I have listened and have taken care of alot of the things he has mentioned, but he still will not move the relationship forward again, I honestly donīt know what he is waiting for - because the changes are extremely obvious and he has noticed all of it, and is still here?
OK, so it sounds like you are doing some 180s. But what is your timeline? How long has your sitch been going on? You have to be very patient, at first the WAS will see everything as tricks to get them back. So the behavioral changed have to be consistent over a long period of time before the WAS will start believing they're real.
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Because I feel like I am worth nothing when there is no intimacy and I feel that I am drifting further and further away from him.
Is this something you've talked to your IC about? Your feelings of self-worth should not be tied to intimacy, that's putting too much pressure on a spouse to make you whole. We need to be happy alone before we can be really happy with someone else.
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I have just start talking to a therapist about all my issues, including the fear of abandonment and fear of rejection and feeling unloved and feeling like I am so easy to just throw away
OK it's good you're getting help. I think we can all relate to some of those feelings, BD has a way of making us feel "thrown away" like that. But please understand BD has as much to do with our spouse as us. Often it's triggered by an internal struggle they are going through themselves, whether they know it or not.
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How did you cope with the "no intimacy" issue, while stilling lying in the same bed every night? I really donīt get it nor do I understand the point of it - why should he be here after 1,5 year and not wanting anything... he says he wants to, but doesnīt know how to "get there" again?
I am not an expert on SSM, but I understand Michele's book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" is a great resource so you might read it if you haven't already.
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I have to stop pursuing him - but I think its very very hard when sleeping in the same bed every night
You can follow those rules while still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed. You can live in those conditions while not pursuing him. You can't really "go dark" but detaching and stopping pursuit are different than going dark.
