Looking for advice as she comes back??

[Dazed22]

Thank you, both. This is kind of crappy. I have an appt scheduled with a lawyer on Thursday and Friday. She has said that we just need to be kind to one another but I know that she has seen a couple of lawyers this week. She did say a few weeks ago that "I hope you're not going to try and take me to the cleaners. If you do there is no chance for us." That's a bit manipulative.

[Holding]

Good lord, yes, that's manipulative. What she's really trying to say is, you'll ruin your M if you try to stand up for yourself.

Protect yourself. Don't fall for the hypothetical carrot of recon.

In my sitch, my STBXW has been stressing how we need to be fair and civil, and she hopes we can be friends in the future. It seems the person who cries for these things the loudest is the person with the most to lose.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you, both. This is kind of crappy.

I have an appt scheduled with a lawyer on Thursday and Friday. She has said that we just need to be kind to one another


as opposed to what?

Oh and you know what's REALLY kind? Keeping your vows.


but I know that she has seen a couple of lawyers this week.

Then keep the appointments you made and get there.

Be vague if she asks. She'll know you saw one soon enough.


She did say a few weeks ago that "I hope you're not going to try and take me to the cleaners. If you do there is no chance for us."


Wow, so what can you do to get a chance? Whatever she wants?

That's a bit manipulative.

Dazed, I'm sorry, but it's not "a bit manipulative."

Imo overtly Linking money to staying/leaving the m, to me is completely manipulative.

[Dazed22]

Thank you, both. This is kind of crappy.

I have an appt scheduled with a lawyer on Thursday and Friday. She has said that we just need to be kind to one another


as opposed to what?

Oh and you know what's REALLY kind? Keeping your vows.


but I know that she has seen a couple of lawyers this week.

Then keep the appointments you made and get there.

Be vague if she asks. She'll know you saw one soon enough.


She did say a few weeks ago that "I hope you're not going to try and take me to the cleaners. If you do there is no chance for us."


Wow, so what can you do to get a chance? Whatever she wants?

That's a bit manipulative.

Dazed, I'm sorry, but it's not "a bit manipulative."

Imo overtly Linking money to staying/leaving the m, to me is completely manipulative.

She now says she wants 75/25 custody. This will prevent child support. I told her under no condition will I accept anything other than 50/50. She is not really happy about this. She knows that she will be on the line for a big number and is trying to avoid this. I can't help be feel that she has been nice over the past few day to try and buy time to try and figure out what to do. I believe that she opened up an account at another bank and is trying to hide money already. I want to believe the best but don't have any reason to believe her. It seems like there are only two things that she is concerned about right now. 1- Not getting to see out D5 half of the time and 2 not paying me child support for 13 years and alimony for a few years. We are supposed to talk on Friday night about this. I have been trying to disconnect and not talk about our relationship but it seems that we are coming up to a decision if she wants to slip up our bank accounts and money. This has really become disappointing.

[Dazed22]

It seems the person who cries for these things the loudest is the person with the most to lose.

That would be her in this situation.

[doodler]

She did say a few weeks ago that "I hope you're not going to try and take me to the cleaners. If you do there is no chance for us." That's a bit manipulative.

Dazed,

My wife (now XW) was very concerned that I'd take all of the money that was in our various bank accounts. Frankly, that had never crossed my mind. I was shell-shocked; I wanted to save the marriage, money was the last thing I was worried about.

Your wife is projecting her concerns. She's assuming you have the same concerns and motivations she has, and therefore, surely you're going to try to "take her to the cleaners." There's probably a lot more craziness to come.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome Dazed!

but what does that look like if she comes home?

Well she's got to show some serious remorse. She's been engaging in an affair and OM breaking up with her is NOT a reason to recon. Read TXHubby's thread, that will give you the idea. He put up with an adulterous wife for quite a while, did the whole begging/ pleading thing and she absolutely used him as a doormat. He was sick and tired and stressed all the time and finally had a revelation- HE was in control of his life, not her. He went about the business of making his life great and he totally shut her out of his new and improved life. When he ceased being Plan B his W started to realize what she was losing and ended up begging him to take her back. At that point he really didn't want her back, he was done. But he decided to give it a shot, but he made HER do all the work.

And ^^THAT^^ is what it has to look like, she did all the damage, she needs to do all the work to restore things. Anything less should be unacceptable to you.

Do I spend the nights in my room instead of in the living room if she is there?

No you go where you want when you want. If your presence bothers her then that is HER problem. Let HER go hunker in the bedroom, you do what you want.

I have been trying to GAL. I am already in shape, look good and dress well. I don't have much to do outside of the family and the home. I don't have a ton of friends.

I didn't either. I had spent so much time for so long just being a husband and father that I had lost touch with having friends. It is EXTREMELY important for you to do a 180 on this. There is nothing like getting in touch with old friends and making new friends to make your M problems seem a lot less important. I reached out to friends I hadn't talked to in years. Reconnected with many of them. I joined a gym and made quite a few friends, then later joined a Crossfit gym and met a new family.

NO EXCUSES!25 lived in Alaska after BD and even living there and having an active career she came up with over a dozen ways to get out and meet people.

No she is here today. We have been on counseling until this two weeks ago when she left. The counseling thing is of no benefit if she is unwilling to work on anything.

Maybe I missed it but why did you let her return?

She says that she feels like I am being vindictive and that I am just avoiding her.

Get used to it, you're going to hear a lot of that from her. Just give a validating response like "I am sorry you feel that way."

This morning she asked what my plans were and if we could be mature about things.

I would be soooo tempted to ask if she thinks being married and engaging in an affair with a married man is what she considers "mature" behavior. Probably not exactly DB'ing though, LOL!

Thank you, both. This is kind of crappy. I have an appt scheduled with a lawyer on Thursday and Friday. She has said that we just need to be kind to one another but I know that she has seen a couple of lawyers this week. She did say a few weeks ago that "I hope you're not going to try and take me to the cleaners. If you do there is no chance for us." That's a bit manipulative.

First, I am very sorry you're going through this, it's miserable! But that said, her behavior is pretty typical of a WAS. Try not to let it upset you worse than you already are. Obviously the last part is blackmail, as far as she's concerned there's ALREADY no chance. That's how she feels right now, it will probably change with time. But the point is she only said that to try and soften you up to her demands. Meet the lawyer and go about protecting yourself. You can do that and still DB, they are not mutually exclusive.

Good luck!

[Dazed22]

Hello and welcome Dazed!

but what does that look like if she comes home?

And ^^THAT^^ is what it has to look like, she did all the damage, she needs to do all the work to restore things. Anything less should be unacceptable to you.

I understand what you are saying. And I agree with a lot of it. But although she did have an affair there is no way that I can say that she did all of the damage. The affair while damaging and unacceptable it was a result of years of issues. It was a mixture of her not being able to express how she was feeling and me not being able to listen or allow her to be heard. I am crushed and angry but am man enough to see the part that I played in getting things to where they are. That being said she did not have to have an affair.

[Dazed22]

Hello and welcome Dazed!



I would be soooo tempted to ask if she thinks being married and engaging in an affair with a married man is what she considers "mature" behavior. Probably not exactly DB'ing though, LOL!

I have said things like this multiple times. I know it does not help but it does feel good at the time.

[Holding]

I understand what you are saying. And I agree with a lot of it. But although she did have an affair there is no way that I can say that she did all of the damage. The affair while damaging and unacceptable it was a result of years of issues. It was a mixture of her not being able to express how she was feeling and me not being able to listen or allow her to be heard. I am crushed and angry but am man enough to see the part that I played in getting things to where they are. That being said she did not have to have an affair.

Very true - we all have flaws and play a part in things. And it's good to look inside and see what needs to be fixed, and accept responsibility for that. We are ultimately to blame for the problems WE brought to the marriage.

But we are NOT to blame for the infidelity. That's on them.