I can't wait it either. Even though I wish all the best for her, I guess I would still like to see karma striking. Guess that's an ego thing. Well, at some point we won't even care if karma ever strikes or not.
About the crying, I know your pain. Each time I leave my kids my mood swings down. At least the pain seems to have diminished a bit if compared to how it was at the beginning.
This emotional roller coaster definitely [censored] though.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Alright...I am back on the horse!! Had a great workout tonight at the gym. Nothing better to chase away some blues than to get your testosterone up! Hit the grocery store now just sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and watching some Monday night football!
Got $50 bucks on the Colts +6.5. Getting my GAL on!!
Well. here I am 4 months to the date in our separation and I am feeling strong!!! My mom told me yesterday how proud she was of me for how I have handled this situation and it brought a few tears to my eyes. Right after bomb drop I called her every morning and every night to talk about how things were going. I am not sure what I would do without her!
I have not broke or engaged in any R or D talks with my W in over 3 months. I have been nice, cordial, I think for the most part have treated her like a friendly neighbor. There has been some give and take with the children schedule but I don't feel as though I am being taken advantage of or disrespected, I am just trying to be a good co-parent. I have kept my distance and do not ask her any type of Who, What, When, Where, or Why type of questions. All of our conversations are pretty high level.
Early on I could feel her anger and contempt towards me. I do feel that has changed and she does not seem to carry the same type of resentment she did before. Obviously that is a good thing in my opinion and I have made the right moves to defuse the situation.
I am not sure how long I will be able to go. Right now I am in this mainly for my children and to some degree myself but I do know I will be fine either way. Through this process I have learned that I am a kind, caring, compassionate man who has a lot of love to give. I am happy with who I see when I look in the mirror and I realized through this process that I always have been I sacrificed a lot of my own emotions and feelings for my W and I realize that now. If I was a stronger person back then, armed with the knowledge I have now I would have been the first person to challenge our relationship and where it was going. I was unhappy as well and even though I kind of new it, I just thought this is married life.
Now I get it....none of us should have to sacrifice. All of us deserve to find that type of love either in our current sitch or in our next.
I sacrificed a lot of my own emotions and feelings for my W and I realize that now. If I was a stronger person back then, armed with the knowledge I have now I would have been the first person to challenge our relationship and where it was going. I was unhappy as well and even though I kind of new it, I just thought this is married life.
Yeah this is the part that is quite interesting. When AS had written about the LBS and WAS/WW both having this foggy mindset which was polar opposites, and how time clears it up for the LBS.
I spent so much time early in the sitch thinking how I totally effed up everything and how it was all my fault. Over time I realized that I was also unhappy and that I wanted some things in the MR that I wasn't getting and I chalked it up to just married life and being an adult - you don't always get what you want, but the ship wasn't too rocky for me and so I could hang on.
Just like you, if I was stronger and had the knowledge that I have now, I would've challenged the relationship and tried to see how it could be worked on.
I forget what the exact phrase is, but I've seen it a few times on the board - the difference between the LBS and WAS/WW is timing of the BD.
Rock on month 5! I need to look at my BD timeline and figure out which month I am on lol. I think I am about the same timeline as you.
So a couple of interesting interactions have occurred the past couple of days. On Sunday night, when I dropped the kids off my W acted like she wanted to hang out and talk. I didn't my normal in and out, 3 minutes tops, but her body language seemed different. She just seemed weird like trying to non-verbally try to talk to me.
Monday morning I get a random email from her commenting on an email that we had received from our oldest's soccer coach. He referred to our family by name in the email so she forwarded it to me asking if I saw that our family got a shot out by him (I did but didn't think it was as big of deal as she did). I thought it was interesting since she doesn't want to be part of the family but I was like whatever. I also didn't think it was something she needed to reach out to me for.
Then this morning she sends me a text letting me know that our oldest didn't do so well on her spelling or math tests. I mean I am glad she is letting me know but I don't think that is critical information to text to me at 7:30 am. Again I was like whatever but it just seems like lame reasons to reach out to me.
I know I am looking for signs and I shouldn't be but I can't help to make observations on her behavior as I continue down this path. I know it doesn't mean she wants to recon or anything like that but I do believe her stance has softened probably because I have applied absolutely no pressure to her. It does make me wonder what she is thinking in her head, I know it's really not important but she was done, ready to file and here we are almost 5 months later and nothing has happened. The longer this goes on the more control she looses every day.
I do hope she feels that I am moving forward with my life, doing things for myself and enjoying the time with my children. Most importantly I feel great with where I am at mentally. Man those first 1.5 to 2 months where hell!
Joseph, I've been slow to provide my thoughts because I really am basing them mostly on my guy feeling/reaction to what you have been relaying about your situation. We all know how dangerous that can be, however, I actually do often have a good sense. Take it for what it's worth but here's my thoughts...
No doubt about it, from what you are writing you are handling this well - very well. Your challenge is to keep on going just as you are as I think it's working. That's going to be hard because it's already been three months which seems like a really, really long time, but honestly it will take a lot longer. Don't backslide and try to rush this and do your best not to give up.
I'm more confident about the fact that at some point your W is going to really regret what she has done. It may not be until after a D but one way or another, it seems clear - again from what you write. I may think differently if I actually was in the same room with the two of you but based on your reports, she is at least conflicted. That's why she is doing some of the things she is doing.
I would not at all be surprised if this does work out for you - or at least start to work out for you. Many of the things your W is doing mine did as well. It took from June until January for her to decide to try to work on the R. Sadly, that only lasted for about three months and our C was zero help and I actually even think she didn't want us to get back together. I can't prove that, again it's just my gut. So the point is, even if she does come back and try, it still may not work but I strongly think that is coming and you may be one of the few here with a happy ending.
Her coming to stand by you at games could be guilt or it could be she is just comfortable to do that. It could also be more. Clearly coming up with reasons to contact you is a good sign. Again, it would be mind reading on any of our parts to try to figure out why but regardless of the why, it's a good thing.
On the other hand, she could still have her mind made up and is just trying to be nice and co-parent. That is possible. My suggestions for you are you keep doing what you are doing for as long as you can. But then also, be ready for what to do should she take things to the next level. If it happens, this too will be critical to your sitch as often they will retreat back soon after. You will need to remain as detached as you are now - shrug it off, like, Um yeah, sure we can go to this event just the two of us or whatever it is.
You are the one that can make this happen. I know it's hard as hell to do but you are doing great. Either way, you are going to be fine - I just have this gut feeling you might be better than fine!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hey L.....I was thinking back to the BD and the begging, pleading, crying etc. How at that point in time they have something that you want and that initially controls you. Then as you begin to detach, get your balls back, etc. you realize that what she has to offer isn't as important as maybe you thought it was so that control no longer exists.
Like a mental shift when you stop chasing, pursuing and you move in the opposite direction, and you just live for yourself the things you do aren't driven by this desire to get her back. It's not something that control you that she can hang over your head any more. for example, if she comes knocking for sex to have the ability to say "no", not interested.....I think at that point she has lost some of her control that we as men have given women.
Joseph, I've been slow to provide my thoughts because I really am basing them mostly on my guy feeling/reaction to what you have been relaying about your situation. We all know how dangerous that can be, however, I actually do often have a good sense. Take it for what it's worth but here's my thoughts...
Hi Don, wow you have been here for a long time . We appreciate you sticking around and offering us newbies your wisdom!
There have been a lot of great people on this board, some who currently are active and others who I have literally spent hours reading about, who are no longer active, that have really helped me get to this point. I have list of about 10 or so that I continue to read which helps me continue to move forward and provide inspiration as crazy as it sounds!
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Your challenge is to keep on going just as you are as I think it's working. That's going to be hard because it's already been three months which seems like a really, really long time, but honestly it will take a lot longer. Don't backslide and try to rush this and do your best not to give up.
Thank you for the positive re-enforcement. I am really trying hard to not look in the past or the future but stay in the present. I read a post once that essentially said don't look at your sitch in months, years, etc but ask yourself can you do the next minute? The next second? The next day? If you view it like that it doesn't seem so impossible does it?
I have about 3 consistent months were I have not backslid but that hardest thing is remaining patient. Especially as you grow in confidence, learn your value as a man and know you are going to be great either way its hard. I like to use the example of the wounded dolphin that is found at sea, brought to a rescue facility, and once healthy are released back into the wild. Sometimes it is hard stay in the rehab tank!
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Many of the things your W is doing mine did as well. It took from June until January for her to decide to try to work on the R. Sadly, that only lasted for about three months and our C was zero help and I actually even think she didn't want us to get back together.
So what happened? Why did she come back and then it ultimately failed? What would you have done differently?
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be ready for what to do should she take things to the next level. If it happens, this too will be critical to your sitch as often they will retreat back soon after. You will need to remain as detached as you are now - shrug it off, like, Um yeah, sure we can go to this event just the two of us or whatever it is.
I have been reading a lot lately on this particular subject and what I would do if/when she wants to work on the MR and if/when she brings up the D word again. Outside of coming here first . I feel in a very strong, confident place where I would be able to articulate my needs and what would need to happen. At this point in time I have nothing to lose.
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You are the one that can make this happen. I know it's hard as hell to do but you are doing great. Either way, you are going to be fine - I just have this gut feeling you might be better than fine!
I really appreciate the vote of confidence, it means more than you know. This is a rollercoaster and at times you just need that pick me up and that encouragement to stay the course because outside of this board most of what you get from your friends is to move on, dump her, you can do better, etc.
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You have no control over her and she has no control over you.
Correct, I agree. I think you realize that once you begin to detach and going forward in my next relationship I know better than to give someone the feeling they have the control.
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Do you feel she thinks she in in control? If so, is she correct?
In the beginning I think she did but I think the dynamics have shifted some. I am definitely mind reading but I do feel it is shifting but it's hard to describe.
The control she had before was D and it being thrown out there. If she brings it up again I would tell her to go file if that is what she wants vs what I did before in telling her I didn't want one.
It's hard to convey that since I don't bring it up (D talk) so I think the control I have taken back would be with my actions. Not pursuing, distancing, not initiating contact etc. All the things that we are taught here that eventually over time will change the dynamics.
I do feel that there is starting to be some very small shifts. I will also say that I am no longer living in fear, I love my W, want our MR to work but I am not scared if it doesn't.
I thought it be would interesting to give you all some insight into the selfishness of my W.
She has our children this week and the company I work for bought a bunch of tickets to an amusement park. I can get them for free, including food vouchers so I know our girls would love to go.
So I sent my W an email this morning letting her know about them and since it is her week with them offering to get her tickets to take the girls.
Now, I am not a big amusement park person either but I am willing to go because I know my D's will love it.
So she responds back, with "Hi there, you know I am not a huge fan of the parks so you are welcome to have them".
I mean like really, it's not about you.
The good news is now I will have them and I will be taking them
Last edited by Cadet; 10/20/1710:42 PM. Reason: Combine posts
I sacrificed a lot of my own emotions and feelings for my W and I realize that now. If I was a stronger person back then, armed with the knowledge I have now I would have been the first person to challenge our relationship and where it was going. I was unhappy as well and even though I kind of new it, I just thought this is married life.