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meant we can work through our stuff without kids knowing every struggle


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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LAJar Offline OP
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Coincidentally, after my last response yesterday, H texted for the first time in close to 2 months. Texted hello and hoped I was well. Then went in on how he needs me to get in touch w/ his L, who has been trying to get in touch with me through a notice sent to the house. Trying to get in touch in my opinion wouldn't just be a notice, which required me to do nothing. Then he wrote he's willing to negotiate sale of house & D. He wants to get house appraised before the new year and has someone who wants to buy it after the new year. Thanks and wished me a good day.

I was livid. After no communication in almost 2 months, reaches out as if nothing has happened & hopes I'm "well". Is he insane? Well, yes, I believe he is. He's abandoned daily responsibilities to this house, was late on the 2nd mortgage payment since he left, requiring me to fork over the $ so it wasn't late. Then, he's going to tell me what he plans on doing for the house and I'm supposed to wait another 2+ months to sell & who even knows who he has in mind to purchase & for how much. It took all of my strength to regain my composure and respond. I texted him that my L would contact his when I finalized a couple of things next week. I have 1 more small home project to finish, then would have the home appraised. My brother who represented us in the purchase, would represent me in the sale. If he doesn't want him to represent him, he'd need to find another agent to co-list. Anyone he has in mind to purchase the home can bid on it just like anyone else. Lastly, I asked him for my outdoor sunshade & lights that he took from the house (most likely to OW's house). I had only purchased them 2 weeks prior. Thanked him and wished him a great day.

Holy cow! The nerve of him trying to direct me in what needs to happen, to what he thinks will work best. As if I'm supposed to wait around in this house, alone throughout the holidays while he's enjoying life, and only until after the hustle and bustle of the season has passed and he's less busy?! Of course I was angry, but more so hurt and disrespected. I think that's the bottom line for me in all of this, disrespect. His public displays w/ OW, the lack of care for our MR, my S & family, is disgusting and hurtful. He is carrying on w/ life as if he hasn't a care in the world. I know he will reap what he sows, but at this given moment, it's more than I can comprehend. I do have to say, my initial anxiety subsided more quickly than in the past. I called my mom on the way home to tell her what he texted. She has not shown her anger for him until now. Because I was crying some and she didn't want me going home alone, I ended up spending the night at my parents. I should be in my new home w/ H, not crying at my parents. After my first emotions, I pulled myself together and was ok. I know this is what it's going to be like for some time. If I don't let my emotions get the best of me for too long, I'm making progress... I think.

Thank you peace for your wishes. We will both be ok & will have some fun spending time together. I worry about my S, but I also know he'll be ok. If I can get him to see an IC and I do try not to bombard him w/ too much of what is going on. I need to be more mindful of that and only if he asks. I have definitely held back on all of the details because he doesn't need to know everything. What he knows is enough. He says he wants to speak to H this weekend face to face. I'm trying to discourage it just because it's his b-day. Why ruin it w/ that? I have mixed feelings about him reaching out at all, but I will at least discourage it for this weekend.

To what tomorrow brings...


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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So sorry for this whole latest episode. It's SO hard, when they just change, BAM, just like that, into this person we don't even recognize, then it's all, Well, how are you? Then on to the real reason, which is their OWN agenda.

Beats all I've ever seen.

Hang tough. You're doing fine.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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LA, focus on what you want. Talk to your lawyer. Unless it benefits you, don't do anything that he wants to help him out if it is contrary to what you want. I love how they have all the time in the world, but then when they want something they want it right now.

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Hi leah and Own,

Thank you for coming to my thread and for your support. leah, I will read up on your thread next.

SO hard, is plainly & simply true. This is not my H. I don't know where he's went. The one thing my dad told me when this all happened is that he thought my H always had my back. Not only does he not have my back, but he is doing things to harm me. Yes, he's gone for days, weeks without contacting me, only to text to see how D is moving along. Again, he filed 10 days after leaving and 3 months later, still no service. Yet, he's all about getting me to negotiate w/ him. He has an agenda that is lacking and one that I'm not going to help him achieve. My agenda is to sell my house, move to my parents temporarily, then work on figuring out where my next home will be. I will do what I need to do once I'm served but nothing more until then. Of course once I meet with my L, I will begin to get my financials in order, but I will explain to her that is only in preparation for what is to come. I need her to understand, I am not in favor of D at this time & because of that I will not help move it forward.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It is truly comforting to come here and have responses from others that know exactly how you feel. As someone still quite new to this forum, I am ever so grateful.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Hi

Your H is a typical MLCer --You read about the other stories and see how drastically they all change so quickly
and they are Unreachable for sure and for a long time

Treat the D as you would a job or business deal
do only what is best for you
He is going to move forward in his MLCer way no matter what you do and the MLCer wants as much as they can get
the OW likes to spend the money and your H is no longer the same..like an alien
he cares about nothing but him

You are exactly right in your posts--do what is best for you in every area
let your brother represent you and get other bids
it may infuriate your H -and usually the D does cause some extra conflict
but
in the end you will be grateful you stood up for yourself because H can't right now-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Morning,

Glad to see H is typical in his MLC. Sometimes I feel like he's doing things I've yet to read others do - no worse or better, just different. But yes, the drastic change examples are all over this forum.

I know decisions for myself regarding the D, will definitely cause more problems with H. At this point, I don't care. I am not doing it to hurt him, but just to take care of myself. He certainly hasn't had a problem doing that for himself, so I shouldn't either. I have to remember this, no matter what his reaction is. Also, glad to have a L who can manage all of this and I don't have to fight this battle directly.

I just had an IC appointment this morning. We spoke a lot about this text. Therapist affirmed his thought that this is part of H trying to exert control due to his feelings of anger/resentment. He told me that he's held back on focusing on H's motives in past sessions since H is not involved in them. I always find it interesting to hear his insight as a man and a professional, so I'm glad to finally to have some of his thoughts on this. Have to say, I do feel my own anger and resentment when I think that he wants even more control in all of this. He's got plenty already!

I've been wondering what people's thoughts are on contacting the in-laws. I text with SIL periodically, but I've been contemplating reaching out to two aunts, one on MIL side & other on FIL side. I have been feeling like I would like some closure and to be able to thank them and say goodbye. Since MIL has passed and FIL has dementia, these two would be the next best option. Through them, it would also allow me to thank & say goodbye to any others that ask. I'd do it in writing and know I'd have to watch how I word the letter. Not bashing H or getting into details but also not pretending like this isn't happening. They know. They've seen FB pics of H & OW. Any thoughts on this?


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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In laws is a tricky one. I got along well with my ex in-laws. They were transatlantic and we holidayed with them most years. When XH and I separated, I was in touch with them - And they all said - we love having you as a SIL, DIL etc. But then they just dropped right off the grid and didn't respond to future messages from me. I didn't contact them much - just a HBD/HNY and after not getting any response, I stopped getting in touch.

I was so upset about their reaction and I guess I had hoped we had relationships that would survive our S and continue. Now I feel less hurt about it. I understand this is what tends to happen. I didn't do anything awful, just often these relationships don't survive divorce.

I'm not greatly in favour of getting in touch and I would ask yourself what you want to achieve by it. What do you hope will happen going forwards with them and what kind of contact would work for you? You could always leave others to initiate and purely be responsive.

JMHO of course and always best to remember that blood is mostly thicker than water too....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I would absolutely not contact the inlaws. They are his family and they will stick by him. If you are moving forward but maintain some hope of a relationship in the future, the less you say to his people the better. Also, this could feed his narrative of why he needs to move on from you. Focus on you and letting go.

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I know very tricky, which is why I need outside perspective. SIL has been in communication and supportive, but at the end of the day, that's her brother. I know this. MIL's friends have been extremely supportive and so angry at H, but since I spoke with them over 3 weeks ago, I've heard nothing. SIl reached out to S and B, both ignored her text for about 3 weeks, until S texted this week and SIL didn't respond. Tricky, is an understatement.

Sotto,

To ask what I'd like to get from it... great question. I'd most definitely like closure. I'd like to thank them for opening their arms to me & S, for being surrogate mothers to H and allowing us to be a part of the family. If I'm being honest, I'd be really careful not to disparage H, but I'd like to let them know I'm standing (for now), that I was always open to repairing the R & this is not my choice. Should that be an option for H, to encourage him. At the very least, encourage H to get help.

Own,

Definitely understand blood is thicker than water. I would not expect they take my "side". I'd just like them to understand what my side is and where I stand. Know this isn't my choice and not something I'd ever ask for. But if this is counterproductive to me moving forward, then I get it.

Thank you for both of your perspectives. An outside view is always necessary and needed.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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