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Hi


I think you may see more of what is going on with her after the meeting
she may need more time, but your support may guide her and give her valuable information -she can bring to her therapist
if using and OM are the things holding her back-therapist can maybe help her see this
"lifestyle" is not good for her
if he is any good at all
In my mind, if a person is fully clean from drugs/alcohol anything is possible for a recovery no matter where they are
if using I'm not sure-Ive seen a lot of things over the years in alanon
Im not a believer in recreational use/ or even for pain medication
although some may need to medicate for various reasons
I think there is a better way-
Just have another view on drugs after being in alanon for 30 years

I like the way you can put it all away and move into your new life

You are there for her/watching for he to wake up
I believe all you are doing is helping her and may one day help her reconnect
I think you can set boundaries that she may follow within reason and take to therapist
-use your judgement
I think you understand the situation pretty clearly and I wish the best for you-


married 14 years
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Wow Irish ... quite the events unfolding over the last month or so.

I think it is important to mention how you are handling all this, reading the exchanges you have been very "Light-house" ... never wavering nor lashing out trying to vent, simple and to the point seeing that your 2 daughters would benefit long term with a mother in the picture. As others have said its hard to tell at what capacity she will be, or grow into, but if she never had the chance how tragic for the girls would that be (Even though they are still hurting and need to forgive and heal but just do not know it just yet). I really respect the way you have handled this, and I agree the girls will always be coming to you in crisis because you are the rock that one needs to be in a storm such as this and that will never be forgotten even if they do not articulate it.

As far as her actions, seems she is really trying to reconnect, in my experience and I'll add a disclaimer here as its just what I went through and all these crisis' are different. Mine seemed to really try for a few months but the weight of what she had done added so much pressure she went right back into the tunnel which seemed safer. That said I am not sure I could have nor would have done much different other than attempted to slow things down a bit, in your case she can not become super mom in a week, it will have to be slow and she has a good deal of trust to earn back from the girls.


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Hi Lt, Peace and Cali.
thanks as always.

well I will cut right to the chase. I met with XW today at lunch.

Early morning text to confirm. Said she was nervous.
I arrived a little early. Wasn't sure How I would feel so I wanted to get there to sit down and relax before. After all this is the first real discussion I will have with XW in over 2 1/2 years.

I texted her telling her I arrived. Got a reply immediately saying 5 mins

She walks in. We both take a quick glance at each other then look away. I sip on my green tea and she goes to get a coffee at the counter. She comes over with a smile. She sits down and right away goes into it. I will color code our discussion. generalized but the key points are there. Recorded the conversation with my iphone. Never can be too sure.

I really think this is good we are talking. Going against my therapist but you know what. I want to fix this with my girls. I need to be a mother again. I will make them my priority Irish.

First things first. Let's talk and in time I know the girls will want to see you. They do miss you but are very skeptical. I'm not sure if its a good idea that you don;t follow your doctors recommendations. You are planning to tell him we met . I hope.


Yes, of course. I tell him everything. He has in 6 weeks helped me see things I did not see or want to see. Right now he is helping me with the star alignment of my family. The roots of my family issues. Dating back to my grandparents. Says that what I did was very common and it causes so much destruction.

Destruction you say. I am really glad you are talking to someone about it and working on it. This is a huge step and it shows your strength. Your dad would be happy.

I don't want to talk about him. He's gone.

ok, it's about the girls. ( this is where I just update her on some of the girls life events she had missed and current situation with them.)

She replies some things that she was foggy on. The first year to her is foggy, Still not sure on things I said or she said.

I remind her of D15 health scare. and D17 court case with the predator. She looks away and crosses her arms.

You know Irish. The girls are and were with you. I knew they were safe. That you had them as number 1. I didn't feel the need to be there.

Why did you never ask how they were?

You know . you are right. I should have. I just knew they were ok with you.


And why didn't your mom ever reach out?

My mom is my mom. I know she is not perfect. She is living with her consequences. In time I hope the girls will see her too.

You know Irish. When I left and the girls got mad. I knew they wouldn't live with me.

XW, you are wrong. they had even helped you paint. You decided that you wanted to run. Left that place and moved in with OM. You told the mediator that you didn't want the, Said I could have them they are "my last name"

I only moved in with him because I couldn't afford my own place.I don't remember saying you could have them

It will come to you one day. Why the matching tattoos with the roman numerals date on your wrists. You both have the same one. You had told me your soul mate.

She laughs.
He is nothing. The girls will never ever see him. He wont be part of their lives.

Now you said you moved out into your own place. Why didn't you move closer to our town to be closer to the girls. That would of made a huge difference. Now you live down the street from OM. What was the point in that. You are still dating. You would of saved money.

Do you think If I had done that the girls would see me?

Well it would of been a positive action.

You know Irish, I am getting my finances in order . I owe a lot of money still but I should be clear of it in 5 years. I want to buy my own house. I will then buy something closer. Just have to fix up my car. It needs breaks and the muffler I just had it changed. After this I will go to the garage and pay it. Can't buy a new car just yet.

Well 5 years is along way away and D17 will be 23 . Most likely in her own place. I plan to move in 2 years.

She looks at me with a blank stare. Oh. you are right.

I know I was in a bad place when i left you. I saw what was happening but couldn't stop myself. I also know that I left so many clues about OM so that you would find it. I wanted deep down to get caught. So you could help me Irish. No one helped me. I was seeing black and everyone. My friends and family all let me go and do this.

I tried to help you Xw. I was enemy number 1. I would tell you something and you'd just laugh at me. I told your mom and she told me . "Irish. I went through this so will my daughter." Your sister went through it and even told me she sees you as off. She did nothing. And if she did you would of only cut her off. What you went through , only you can want help. Most of your friends didn't know what to take of it all. You were gone.

Well I'm getting help now and those I don't need in my life I won't ask them back.

You know that number on my wrist. It was actually the day i tried to kill myself. The day I met OM too. It has a higher significance.


Well I am glad you didn't kill yourself. You are worth more than that and the girls don't need that in their lives. They need a healthy loving mom.

I wouldn't think of it now. I love life. I have great friends at the gym. Girls I hang out with and we all support each other. It's great. I try to go to the gym every second day. Tonight I am going trick or treating with a friend. She is a single mom. Had an abusive boyfriend. Are you doing the house still? i miss those times.

Yes. it's all ready to go. The girls won't be going door to door they want to stay and help me. I'll send you a picture if you want.

You know Irish. I have been watching your Facebook. I use a friends login. Your page is private but I see enough. I know you are happy. Or is it a mask like I wear most of the time.

I am happy. We have great girls and we are all healthy. What more could I ask for in life.

then I cut it short. Said I had to go and we said a simple goodbye in the parking lot. I added. Lets talk again soon. After your therapy. like i said , I am not ready to meet up with the girls any where soon. We need to go slow.

You are right Irish. Have a good Halloween
I can't wait to see them. I'm so Tired of the questions about my girls. Why i don't see them.


so that was that. I will let this sit for a while. she has therapy on Thursdays. Her move after that.

take care all and happy Halloween


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Just wow. You did such a great job Irish. It is at once sad, haunting, and hopeful. So much insight into what they go through and how they characterize it. I hope she stays out and keeps getting help. You are such a lovely guy to do this for her and your girls.

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Hi Irish, as ownit says great job. I admire you on so many levels. I have had very very similar conversations with my exw, even down to ' he wont be in their lives' but i just shut her out and while it worked for me, you are doing the work for your girls and her.

Your approach seems strong while caring and it shows your character and strength.

I would imagine a difficult journey ahead but nothing you cannot handle. Please remember that while the girls.do come first , Irish has his own sanity to protect so keep exw at a distance that your comfortable with. Don't get dragged into her drama.

Take care, Rd

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Irish,

I know the meet up was a tough one for you, but you handled it with grace and dignity. You listened and addressed different things with her. Now, she will go back and mull those comments over in her head and come to realize that you were not and are not public enemy number one.

She does sound like she's making some small progress in addressing her issues with her therapist. I hope that she will continue to improve and one day, be the mature woman that should needs to be and be a mother to her girls once again.

I think you did very, very well in this meet up.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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very hopeful
she does sound like she is working diligently on herself and her therapist is good for her-

interested to see how your situation evolves-

I think it took her much courage to meet you and admit and be open to her wrongs


married 14 years
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good job mon ami! hopeful .... I don't really have anything to add beyond what others have said. You handled it so well. very proud of you!

she's working on it. that takes a lot of guts. let's see what happens. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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Irish

You are amazing. Has her physical appearance changed? How did you/do you feel after the meeting?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Wow.

I didn't think this would happen. I thought it would just be more texting games. I'm glad there's some progress.

A lot of insight into how they think.

Please share your thoughts once you've let everything sink in a bit.

I'm also curious as to how she looks.

Good job, brother.


M: 49, W: 45
T: 22 M: 15
S14, S11, S9
BD: Jan '16
W files: Oct '16
D final: June '18
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