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Hi Irish, for me you are answers to Exw were spot on. I dont see any over stepping or defending , just truth. I admire how you handle yourself and your compassion is also to admired. Just my humble opinion here , your girls have given their thoughts on communications with their mum , im sure you don't need me to tell you that they may not currently share your compassion so maybe aby steps is what springs to mind. Just my thoughts.

Sorry to hear of Ds heartbreak but it is a life lesson we all went through as teenagers ( again and again !!! ) and once again if nothing else shows D that her dad is the rock in her life.

Once again , you are an example to us all and your Ds are very lucky girls. Do you best to stay detached when dealing with Exw but it does appear she may be having a ' break' in the fog and long may that last.

Take.care , Rd

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Irish,
I am so sorry to hear that your daughter's heart is broken. Lots of TLC for now. It's always so heartbreaking to see them like this.

I don't put much stock in what your xw has shared about the therapist. Some are not the best, but when a MLCer goes to a therapist, they pick and choose what they want to hear and apply it their situation. I know that you will take what she says w/a grain of salt.

As for your remarks, I think you handled the situation quite well. You told the truth, and yet, you told her that you were willing to meet up w/her. She's inching her way towards waking up just a tad...but she's still got a ways to go.

Hugs to you and your girls, but especially your daughter who is hurting right now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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{{{{{D15}}}}}

Well, Irish, you handled this latest communique from the dark side well. The force is with you wink

It's hard to tell if she's getting this from the therapist or this is her muddled spin on things, as Job pointed out. I think tho that overall it's positive that she's continuing to do the work. We can at least say that she's starting the process. Who knows where it will end up?

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Irish,

I really do admire how you handle everything especially the girls. D15 is heart broken but she knows she has you to support her. You are everything that I hope to be as a father through this crisis. I am particularly concerned about one d who has always been super close to mom and not so close to me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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So sorry to hear about D15's heartache.

As for your exw, her memory is Swiss cheese. You can see that when she says "oh yeah I forgot x happened." Assuming the therapist has a 1/4 of a brain, he/she is going to know that the problems did not start at separation. Her break with reality was a long time coming. Women who abandon their kids are very, very rare birds.

Thinking of you all.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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I been to a lot of therapy over the years

I noticed my therapists are not always right
But they will mirror back to you what you said until you can process it and figure it out

She sounds like she is trying to understand what happened and that is good
I think her kids mean enough to her that she is seeking help
and as long as she is not medicating with drugs/she may get better over some time
I thing the drugs ruin a persons chance for growth


married 14 years
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Originally Posted By: OwnIt

I don't think you can accept her version of what the therapist is saying as what the therapist is saying. Given that she is now reaching out and agreeing with you when you challenge her fantasy version of events, it seems like something is happening in a positive fashion.


Hi OwnIt
I agree.. she is telling me these things. Are they true? I've been to therapy and they usually let you talk and they listen. Small questions here and there. Rarely would they blurt out whats wrong with you until you figure it out. I know this is a new therapist for her. So her telling me things is probably what she wants to hear.

Originally Posted By: rd500
your girls have given their thoughts on communications with their mum , i'm sure you don't need me to tell you that they may not currently share your compassion so maybe baby steps is what springs to mind. Just my thoughts.


Hi Rd
The girls are watching me. How I react to her messaging. Right now They are unaware of this latest touch from her. The last time the girls got all wound up and XW fell flat as a no show and went back in the sewer with pennywise. With D15 heartbreak , I will wait until Tuesday to bring it up.

I know protecting daddy.. but I'm at the point where I've seen enough heartache and frustration because of XW.

Originally Posted By: job

I don't put much stock in what your xw has shared about the therapist. Some are not the best, but when a MLCer goes to a therapist, they pick and choose what they want to hear and apply it their situation. I know that you will take what she says w/a grain of salt.


(((Hugs))) back Job.
Yes I am not letting her comments get to me and I'm sure the therapist is just making her talk and that is what she is repeating. Glad she is at least doing that. It's a start. We will see long-term if it pays off for her and the girls.

Originally Posted By: bttrfly


It's hard to tell if she's getting this from the therapist or this is her muddled spin on things, as Job pointed out. I think tho that overall it's positive that she's continuing to do the work. We can at least say that she's starting the process. Who knows where it will end up?


hi bttrfly ((xox))
yes at least she has started something. This is action. I really believe she is going to therapy this time. She was a loving mom, that has to be in there somewhere screaming to get out again.

Originally Posted By: Gordie

. I am particularly concerned about one d who has always been super close to mom and not so close to me.


Hey Gordie, thanks for the support. Make extra time for your D. She will grow close with your stability. I know many families the kids are closer to one parent and not the other. That one parent is more available and has taken the role as main support. We all get busy, we see that our kids are fine because the other parents is managing that role. Life is good. Only when the break happens the kids are drawn to that one parent. We feel that loss. My case is extreme. I was closer to the girls but XW bailed on them as well. Love your D and your other kids. In time they will all see you as the rock.


Originally Posted By: HaWho

As for your exw, her memory is Swiss cheese. You can see that when she says "oh yeah I forgot x happened." Assuming the therapist has a 1/4 of a brain, he/she is going to know that the problems did not start at separation. Her break with reality was a long time coming. Women who abandon their kids are very, very rare birds.


((Hugs)) HaWho. Yes, rare birds but I do know a few. Maybe it's the Quebecois culture. Who knows.
I know XW has insurance so I am sure she didn't go with the free social-aide government appointed therapist. Time will tell.


Originally Posted By: peacetoday

She sounds like she is trying to understand what happened and that is good
I think her kids mean enough to her that she is seeking help
and as long as she is not medicating with drugs/she may get better over some time
I thing the drugs ruin a persons chance for growth


Yes I believe her missing the girls is the key driving her seek for help.
As for the drugs. Well OM is still in the picture and he is that towns local Pot head. In Canada we are legalizing marijuana. In her town they opened up 2 major grow Ops. Lets hope she is clean.

recap on her drug use. She hates it , people in the park across from our house would smoke there. shed call the cops. zero tolerance. The one time she tried it at a party before having kids. It was a bad reaction.

BD, she was a full time pot head. Even told the girls if they need pot come to mommy.

So let's pray she's clean.

Small update

She is back to being a texting machine.

Irish we need to see each other soon. I need to be a mother again. I want to help the girls in school. I can help. Tell me how I can help.
I can't live without them anymore. It's eating at me. I cant live.



But you know Irish, I chose to live rather than end it. I made many attempts to see them. What did I do wrong. I'm a good person. I'm a good mother. I need the girls in my life


I also want them to accept my life. Be part of it.


Well I'm glad you chose to live. The girls need a mom. I believe you will one day connect with them

I always put them first. you know that Irish. Even today i would put them first.

I need to see you, to talk.


I called the school. D15 is struggling with History. I can help her.
I told her history teacher to be easy on D15. She has been through a lot and hasn't seen me for over 2 years.


I was a good mother and still am.


yes you were a great mother. You just lost your path. Lost that motherly instinct as you said. It happens sadly. It's what you will do next that will determine the outcome.

Yes, I know I haven't been a good mom over that past 2 years and a half. But I am a good person.


Irish . lets have lunch next week. I am free Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. oh and Thursday night. Let me know.


Sure, Tuesday sounds great. Lunch at ( mid point between our towns).
Not sure I will eat but I will be there.


me neither I won't have much of an appetite. see you then. thank you



So there we are. Set for a lunch meet up next Tuesday. Will it happen? who knows. The past attempts all failed. I'll be there anyway since I am getting a haircut in that area that morning. I'll listen to what she has to say and validate when needed. If it goes south I will just walk away.

hope you all have a great weekend. I'm going to enjoy some time with the girls, a Halloween party with the gf and the sun.

take care


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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First -
Whatever sent her off on this path, it wasn't pot, ok?

No, I'm not one of those people who thinks pot is completely harmless. But seriously, most negative side effects have to do with making people less motivated, except in young growing brains where it might possibly affect development. And it is far preferable to most of the legal prescription drugs that people medicate themselves with for pain or anxiety.

If you honestly believe that drug use set her on this path, it WASNT just pot. She had to have been using something much stronger (speed would be a common risk, often abused by overwhelmed housewifes either for "focus" or weight control initially).

I don't care for pot personally, but I do prescribe it for certain conditions, and it's far less risky than alcohol.

As for the lunch - it's good she's reaching out. It's bad she called the school. It's good she wants to be a part of their lives - it's bad she's not totally accepting responsibility for her actions and still wants the girls to accept her life ( which means accepting OM).

I'd be careful, do mostly listening, but have a specific path laid out if she asks how she can reconnect with the girls.

Also - don't know if it's legal where you are, but you might want to secretly record the conversation if you have any concerns that she might falsely accuse you of anything.

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Hi KMl
i know it wasn't pot that set her off onto this path. Sorry you understood it as such.
Pot was a big "new" thing for her..after BD. That and drinking

I have nothing against pot and those who use it medically or for fun.
It works for many people I know with anxiety and other illness. I do have a problem with XW trying to be my Daughters pusher. Their mom said if they want the good stuff call her. Only a month before she was worried D17 was using.

OM being Mr.pot head includes much heavier drugs. He is well known in that town.

Again sorry If my last post was misleading

Yes the lunch will be listen and see what she has to offer and offer suggestions if I feel she is open.

For myself i have no goal here other than for he girls. They need a healthy mom and if she is willing to do the work then I may just have to nudge them a little then step back.

OH, D15 is doing better. Still heartbroken but isn't in her room 24/7. I managed to get her out on a family activity last night and tonight the girls are joining me at the Halloween party. I'm going as a MLC'r
ok bad joke..

I will be a priest, D17 a hippy ans D15 little red riding hood with part wolf. Should be fun.

I'll check back in Tuesday night after the trick or treaters are done.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Irish,

I don't post often,just when I feel strongly about something. Like you, I have daughters, three in fact.The best piece of advice I can give you at this point is that you don't need to share with them updates on every conversation or interaction you have with ex. They are old enough at this point to recognize that mom is not the mom they knew and loved. She may never again be that person. Believe me you don't have to reinforce this. My oldest is 22 now and this started when she was 17. Just the other day, over dinner, she told that mom is not the mom she grew up with. She said she is still trying to get used to this new person. It would have done no good if I had said anything to reinforce this.

Your ex may never be healthy enough to be a full time mom. You will probably always be the person they turn to in crisis. You may feel that you are protecting them by sharing these interactions. Ask your self what you are protecting them from that they aren't already aware of.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
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"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
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