My WAW and S17 went on a college visit overnight, about 5 1/2 hours away, and left my S there to stay with a friend for the weekend. I was nervous about how the weekend was going to go, but it was great.
I was agreeable and pleasant without being a doormat. For instance, because of her, we got separated from our tour group, and instead of getting angry or upset, I just took it in stride. BUT, when it started raining, I didn't share my umbrella, and just let her get wet. Didn't make a big deal of it, just opened the umbrella and kept walking with the tour. She kind of sidled up to me to stay dry, but didn't ask to share and I didn't offer. I also let her know at which hotel I'd booked a room, but didn't offer to share.
I let her know beforehand I didn't want to discuss financing college on the trip because I didn't want either of us to get pissed off and be stuck in a car together for 5 1/2 hours. The three of us had a nice drive up, but I was kind of dreading the ride back with just the two of us in case she insisted on talking about money but she respected my wishes.
The trip was good for a couple of reasons. It was nice spending time with S and W. As we were driving home, she even said she missed the person I had been over the weekend. And again this morning, I texted her to say I enjoyed our trip, and if she wanted to discuss financing, we could get together today, and she responded by saying "I miss the you that was with us this weekend." Positive experience for my S. He loved the school and wants to go there.
BUT, it was a nice reminder of what a pain in the ass she could be (for example, she was 3 hours late picking me up. My 180 was to just take it in stride and not be angry.) and how, in some ways, I'm better off without her.
Anyway.... the financing college issue.... if we meet today to discuss financing, I intend to listen and validate her point of view, but insist that I have a different one, that is equally valid. She's going to want me to pay for most of our kids' college, and I'm going to explain that I'm willing to pay 50%, but I will do it in the most validating way possible.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Good job on keeping calm and sticking to your boundaries during the trip. Congrats on a successful weekend and having your select his college of choice.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hello, I'm new and didn't get to read through all of your first thread yet but it's nice to see that it's possible to take a weekend trip together for the sake of your son after everything you've been through. Still, life after divorce sounds like such foreign territory. It sounds like you're handling it well!
We had lunch today to discuss finances, and particularly college finances. We never made it to discussing financing college.
Quick background... almost a year ago, we bought a house together for her to move into, with a number of provisions (written, and signed by us and our lawyers), the most important one being that she would sign a special warranty deed giving me sole ownership of the house if she failed to refinance within a year. This written arrangement gave me absolutely nothing, while protecting me in case the arrangement went south, and I gave her a year to get her financial act together.
I have given her reminders recently, asking not to wait until the last minute to refinance, but today, I reminded her that she only had two months remaining. I told her that I didn't want to 1) continue to co-own the house with her, 2) take possession of the house as her landlord, or 3) take possession and sell it from under her, but to protect myself, I was going to take possession and sell it if she failed to refinance. I did it in the most validating, non-threatening, calmest manner I could.
Of course she blew a gasket.
Shortly after, I had to leave and pick up our daughter, but she sent me a text later that said, in part, "what you did today was present me with an unnecessary, shameful, threatening ultimatum. This behavior is why I left you in the end after years of hoping you would eventually understand the harm and hurt you were causing by giving me ultimatums and threats."
So I would like the community's input.... was it an ultimatum and threat? From my perspective, I was informing her of a business decision that would effect her. She claims she fears she won't be able to refi because her name's still on our marital home, and I need to refi first and give her her half so she not only has cash, but also shows no debt on another house.
I'd like to reply to her text... something along the lines of "I understand your perspective, and how and why you feel threatened, and I sympathize, but my perspective is different. It seems you are angry with me because I pointed out that you only have 2 months left in which to refinance the house, and because I haven't pushed my lawyer to push along this divorce that I don't want. I am not doing this to harm you; it is strictly a business decision to protect my interests."
I would love to hear your thoughts.....
p.s. she would say part of the reason for the divorce was issuing ultimatums. I don't see this as an ultimatum, but rather as protecting my interests. It is the consequence of her failing to live up to her obligation to refinance. I have in the past protected her from these consequences, so this is a HUGE 180 for me, but maybe I'm too close to the trees to see the forest. Is it an ultimatum?
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I should add that she assumed the divorce would be complete by now, I would own our marital home by myself, and she would have significant assets in her name alone, so it would be easy to refinance.
The written agreement assures I get reimbursed for ANY costs I incur due to her home, so I have had no desire to finalize the divorce until the home is refinanced in her name. I would rather give her half the marital estate minus those costs rather than try to claw back those costs after giving her her half of the marital estate, so I was in no hurry to finalize and divide assets until the home was in her name.
She said she has called her lawyer a few times to push the divorce forward, but he never calls her back.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
It doesn't sound like an ultimatum to me, especially if she's been made aware of the deadline previously and you're just reminding her. I'm not so experienced in the legalities of everything you mention though to really try to see both sides. I hope someone else can respond!
I have a similar situation. How much are the potential costs related to the other home? If small relative to the home equity, then why not do what your w suggests?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm pissed about the divorce and feeling a little vindictive.
I'll call the mortgage company and see if I can just drop her from the mortgage on our marital home like she suggests.
If I do not push her to refi, she will let it drag out as long as I let her.
I guess I feel like if we are getting divorced, I should stop protecting her from herself and let her fend for herself.
If she follows thru on the divorce, the best way I can protect myself is to get my name off her mortgage.
In the past, she has failed to follow through on our agreements, with no real repercussions, and this time, forcing her to live with the consequences of her failure to follow through will be a huge 180.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
You are not being vindictive, your are protecting yourself. She wanted to get that house, now she needs to take care of it. She needs to find ways to finance it you, and you are not the option. It's hers let her live with whatever happens with it.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I think I have taken a huge step backward in busting this divorce.
I appreciate all the input, but something I didn't think about was it doesn't matter what you or I think of my actions, it's her perception that counts. We all think I'm protecting myself, but she perceives it as an ultimatum.
That was a problem of mine in our marriage. As our marriage deteriorated, I would say something like you have to refinance the house or I will take possession and sell it. I'm thinking "I'm just pointing out the consequences of her actions", but she obviously thinks of it as a threat and ultimatum.
Up until this most recent interaction, things have been fairly pleasant between us. Enough so that she mentioned missing me twice recently. But yesterday, she "found" a draft divorce settlement in her email that her lawyer sent to her in August and forwarded it to me. I get the feeling that she was having second thoughts about the divorce, but this ultimatum has pushed her over the edge.
So, yeah, I'm pretty down today.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
