Looking for advice as she comes back??

[sandi2]

Do you really understand DB detaching? Do you understand personal boundaries and enforcing them, if necessary?

She has not asked if she could come home, she "told" you what she would do. Am I correct? She plans to use the spare bedroom. Clearing out her things from the marital bedroom may establish a boundary, with the message to her that you don't want to sleep with her while she engages in a sexual affair. I don't think it is necessary to say this to her, unless she gets to showing entitlement over using the MBR. Some WW's leave their things in the marital bedroom and just use the other bed. That's not sufficient. Her things should be taken out of the marital bedroom until she ends the affair. (I explain more in my thread for Newcomer LBH who has a WW).

I would not make a big scene about it. Just have her things laying on the bed in the spare room. No need to be nasty, but you should present yourself in a no-nonsense stance and don't put up with her b.s. You are not doing cartwheels over the fact she decided to come back.....and bring her affair with her.

You don't have to stay shut away from the family, just b\c she is there. You don't have to go stone silent. This is your home and you are the head. Focus on what you and the kids want to do, and get out of the house to GAL. The W can stay home with them sometimes.

I would not "invite" her to the dinner table. Since when does she need to have an invitation? If you do the cooking, just tell the kids "dinner is ready". If one of them asks about mom, and if mom is there... then tell that one that asked that she can tell her mom. If mom is not there, then mom will fix herself something later. Try to keep things relaxed and informal.... and play it by ear. If she comes in, she can set her own dinnerware. This is not to be punitive, but more with an attitude that you and the kids have a routine that was setup without her.......as if you didn't think that she would take part at dinner time. "Oh, you will need to get an extra plate from the cabinet". If she isn't there, don't worry about it. Put everything away when dinner is over, just like you did when it was just you and the kids. Here's the thing.....dinner time can be stressful when there is tension in the family. You do what you think is best for your kids, without it appearing as if you are catering to your WW. Make sense?

[Dazed22]

Thank you sandi2. This is exactly what I was looking for! I really don't want to make it a big deal. But I also don't want her to be involved in everything. I the kids and I are watching a show I don't really want her there the whole time. I do plan on getting out of the house to GAL during the week. Thank you. I have read the book and the threads but things become more difficult to detach with kids and her moving back in for me.

[joejoe1]

You should move her things in the guess room. Don't let her move her own things. You take charge and set the tone. Make your statement loud and clear. You have a chance to do what most of us on here hasn't.

[Tread]

I agree with Joe. Move her stuff into the guest room tonight before she arrives tomorrow. Don't hang up or organize one thing. Have it waiting for her on the floor. She is an unwanted house guest at the moment. That will be one hell of a statement.

[Dazed22]

OK I took the nightstand and makeup table into the guest room. Put the rest of her stuff in the bathroom and out of ours. Guess we will see how this goes.

[NicoleR]

Dazed,

I'm new here too. My husband left the first time and also came back after multiple affairs but it turned out he missed home and having a family but didn't want to fix things with me as his wife.

I can only say that after a year of being roommates I can't stop remembering our happy times and feel like I don't know the man who comes and goes as if I'm invisible. The long-term adjustment is probably harder than the short-term one unless your wife really wants to work on things.

Is it still possible to set any conditions for her return? What about requiring marriage counseling even if it's just to reduce the tension and to set longer term goals.

I feel sorry for what you're going through! I hope it will work out somehow!

[Dazed22]

Dazed,

Is it still possible to set any conditions for her return? What about requiring marriage counseling even if it's just to reduce the tension and to set longer term goals.

I feel sorry for what you're going through! I hope it will work out somehow!

No she is here today. We have been on counseling until this two weeks ago when she left. The counseling thing is of no benefit if she is unwilling to work on anything.

[Dazed22]

OK well she is back. Living in the spare room. She showed up at 9am yesterday without letting me know. It was my week with the D5 so she was excited. She asked if she could come to church with us and she did. We came back home and I dropped her off. Spend the day with D5 and my D15 at the park and pumpkin patch. Came home for a bit and played with the girls. Then took the girls out to dinner. She says that she feels like I am being vindictive and that I am just avoiding her. Stated that it was not my intention and left it at that. I brought her dinner home and spent the rest of the night in my room after putting the kids to bed.
This morning she asked what my plans were and if we could be mature about things. She started to talk about the relationship. I just said that I am going to excuse myself from the conversation as I don't want to talk about us at this point. I said have a good day and left. This is hard.

[Dazed22]

OK so she called today to tell me about her interview and then ask me to lunch. I told her I would meet her but only to discuss her interview. We discussed the interview and very little about the relationship. She called again later to say she was going to the store and to ask if I needed anything. I have not called or text her. This is more than she has called or text me in weeks.

[joejoe1]

Dazed,

Why didnt you let her talk. Seems that you are being mean and vindictive. That could of been s good moment to validate. She might of had something important tell you. Now you might of turned het off more. AS talks about detaching with love. It's hard, but read up on detachment.