Hello everyone. I have read a lot of things and read the book but didn't know what I should do. My wife has been in an affair since June 17. I confronted her, did all the wrong things, begged cried and pushed her away. I have tried to stand for the marriage after that but things just got worse. Two weeks ago she moved out to her sister about 40 miles away so she could have some time to think but she was just going to hotel rooms during the day to meet the other man. He is married with kids. We have both talked to attorneys but neither has hired one. We have talked about using a mediator and have plans to meet with one next week. She makes twice what I do and her attorney told her that I can file for support right away since she left SO she decided that she is going to move back home and live in the guest room on Sunday. We have a D5. I also have a D15 from another marriage and she wants nothing to do her her stepmother now. I am detaching right now. I just can't take it anymore, but what does that look like if she comes home? If I make dinner for the girls do I make some for her? Do I invite her to the table or do I just let her fend for herself? Things are slowly starting to crumble and get more difficult for her. Do I just worry about myself and let her alone? Do I spend the nights in my room instead of in the living room if she is there? She hs shown no sign of remourse or any interest in me at all. Just hate and resentment.
You need to discuss with your lawyer if its possible to get the locks on the house changed. She abandoned the family by moving out. SO legally her name maybe on the lease and she can come through. But her residence is no longer the home. So check on that before she she tries coming back. At this point your best bet is to do nothing for her. Being nice won't get her back. Treat her like a neighbor. The moment she moves in, she will continue to see OM and it will drive you crazy. Get as much support from her as possible. Let your W find out how much sacrifice and loss being with OM entails. Also what does the W and children of OM know?
Where did the marriage start to break down. What did your W say, caused her resentment and hate.
Have you read up on 180s, validation, and detachment?
Have you any GALing you can do? GAL(get a life).
Do you want to save your marriage?
According to her, it broke down over the past 3 years. Her resentment has been a long and slow process. Me not being nice as I once was and taking her for granted.
I have read the book and many posts. Read the stickys.
I have been trying to GAL. I am already in shape, look good and dress well. I don't have much to do outside of the family and the home. I don't have a ton of friends.
I think I want to save my marriage. I have been holding out for 4 months. I keep learning more and more about what she has been doing and it is killing me. She is still seeing the other man. She left two weeks ago and now is moving back in.
You need to discuss with your lawyer if its possible to get the locks on the house changed. She abandoned the family by moving out. SO legally her name maybe on the lease and she can come through. But her residence is no longer the home. So check on that before she she tries coming back. At this point your best bet is to do nothing for her. Being nice won't get her back. Treat her like a neighbor. The moment she moves in, she will continue to see OM and it will drive you crazy. Get as much support from her as possible. Let your W find out how much sacrifice and loss being with OM entails. Also what does the W and children of OM know?
Being nice is not working, but we have chldren and I can't change the locks. She is driving me crazy which is why I can here to ask ideas. I can do nothing and just let her come home. The W and children of the other man no nothing yet.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So with detachment what is the best option for when she comes back tomorrow. She is going to be here so I can't get support not because she wants to be. Do we all eat to together as a family? Do I just avoid talking to her? It's going to be really strange to have her here in the spare room. Should I move her stuff into the room today and make up the room or just let her deal with it?
Galing will help you make new friends. I met up with holding from this forum. I used meetup.com to do activities as well. Most meetups are free.
It's something you can change about yourself. Maybe a new haircut.
Is she moving back in because of finances?
If you committ to saving your marriage, it will be hard work and a lot of ups and downs.
Keep posting specific and as accurate information as possible, to recieve advice here.
Gain your confidence back, and try your hardest to get your joy and happiness back in this hell of a situation.
Thanks Joe. Meeting people is freaking hard when you 42 I have been trying to get out. Since she left on the nights I don't have the kids I have been trying to just hang with some friends. She is moving back because she makes twice what I make and when she talked to a lawyer last week he told her that I could file for support since she left the house. I also think she is really lonely and missing our daughter on the days that they are here at the home with me so she feels like it will help her from missing them so much. It has nothing to do with wanting to be near me. I just keep trying to figure out what is the best plan for when she is here. I need to detach for my sanity at this point. But do I act like a friend or an ear to listen or do I just live like she is not really even here? I cook dinner for the kids, do I make some for her? If I do do I invite her to eat with us? This [censored] and is going to be awkward and I want to avoid any fights or conflicts.
So I was going to fix up her room and get it ready for her but now I think I should just let her do that. She is going to be a roommate and not my wife I guess.
I have been trying to get out. Since she left on the nights I don't have the kids I have been trying to just hang with some friends. She is moving back because she makes twice what I make and when she talked to a lawyer last week he told her that I could file for support since she left the house. I also think she is really lonely and missing our daughter on the days that they are here at the home with me so she feels like it will help her from missing them so much. It has nothing to do with wanting to be near me. I just keep trying to figure out what is the best plan for when she is here. I need to detach for my sanity at this point. But do I act like a friend or an ear to listen or do I just live like she is not really even here? I cook dinner for the kids, do I make some for her? If I do do I invite her to eat with us?