Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Nicole, I'm glad you at least got a partial diagnosis and hopefully you can get started with a treatment plan. Good that you are seeing a psychologist and counsellor too. I saw a therapist for six months or so after XH and I separated and it was helpful. I cried A LOT at those appointments, so I let out some emotion too..

Just a thought on your post above - I wouldn't make a change in the marriage status your primary aim just now. I would focus on your own growth and healing. Make those appointments about helping you feel better, stronger, more able to cope and more resourceful. Independent of your relationship, what things about you would you like to work on for you?

Thanks for your kind comments - yes I did cope, survive and thrive and I see myself as 'happily single' just now. So, life can feel positive even if the marriage isn't restored despite your best efforts. I think for me, giving it my best effort and giving myself my best effort have been the thing that came to truly matter - who and how did I manage to be through all of this?

A friend recently shared an article with me - all about the 3 loves in our lives. Our self-love, our love of others (children, friends, animals - perhaps a romantic love (optional)) and those things we love to do...plus gratitude. I think if we nourish these three areas and practice gratitude too, we will be on a good path - whatever our partner may be doing.

Take care Nicole and hope you'll start to feel much better soon :-) xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
Hi Nicole,
Thought I would stop on by and give my two cents. Initially I had to do a lot of "Faking to make it." I DB'd atrociously, I did it to get reactions out of him and that was my mistake. I should have worked on myself strictly for my self. I should have reached out more for friends instead of sulking at home so often. My Dbing coach even got frustrated at me when I verbalized reticence on getting some evenings child free because I didn't want to "burden" someone with my children. They were my responsibility so I felt it my obligation to spend 100% of my free time with them. See that? That's what's called making yourself a martyr, lol!

So eventually I started finding evening to spend getting my hair done professionally, to hang out with friends, to gab on my phone. That way I was emotionally recharged. I've read the books multiple times, have high lighters and pages ear marked with color coded tags. I've bought the LRT video and watched it about 6 times. I've done 11 DBing sessions with a coach.

I tell you what, if I had actually DONE the techniques instead of using them to "get back WH" I would not be here two years later starting over again. MWD encourages people to take breaks from "working on their marriage" as it can quickly burn you out. So...what are you doing to get a life? Please do not isolate yourself as this is the most insidious, damaging thing to do. Do NOT feel bad for one second having to call on your husband to PARENT (NOT BABYSIT) his own child. I want to come over there and give you one of those massages they give before sending a boxer to slug the sh*t out of the opponent. You got this! If your H comes crawling back then you can give the conditions and boundaries you require before rebuilding.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Hi Sotto,

At the moment I'm somewhat forced to set aside what's happening with my husband in order to improve my health. I will try to let go of any expectations of the marriage continuing or ending. That's a nice reminder about the three kinds of love. Currently it seems 90% of my love goes to my daughter since she's only three and I'm her sole caretaker. I'll try to balance things out better. There are going to be some limits compared to someone who has no kids or older kids, but I'm sure I can still do better. Right now I barely make it through each day with just the basic necessities (caring for my daughter, cooking, cleaning, errands, etc..) compared to my 'previous' life where I would go to the gym every day, meet friends, attend special events, conquer major career and educational goals, and travel.

PsySara, thanks for your input! I do see what you're saying. I've gone back-and-forth between the two things - working on myself and wanting my husband back. When my husband left the first time (also October 2015) I somehow found it within myself to practice DB techniques within a week or two and I honestly did do it for myself. I was out with friends every day, talking with spiritual and religious mentors every night, going to counseling, attending events around NYC where I lived at the time, stayed on top of the consulting work I was doing, and acted like I didn't care too much when my husband stopped by or called. I did everything with my daughter with me but it didn't stop me. My husband did notice and within eight weeks he was back and said he couldn't believe how well I was doing. He apologized for everything and it seemed like we were going to fix things.

Then that didn't happen. My husband lived with us again, but he was never the same. He wasn't interested in me as a wife and just came home to eat and search on his computer while I did everything else. This was not a livable solution. Every month or so I'd approach him and ask what we could do to fix or end the situation and he'd get mad and send me away crying.

This kept happening until I made two psychologist appointments for him this past summer and after the second one he came home and said he was leaving. He said he couldn't decide anything about our future together for at least six months. This time is different in several ways and I'm struggling more. I'll write more about that later...I have to run to a doctor's appointment now.

Thanks again to both of you for your input!

Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
I'm back. So this time seems different because I don't have the strength and energy I had the first time he left. A week after my daughter and I got our own apartment we had to evacuate for Hurricane Irma and we were gone for 2.5 weeks. Soon after we returned I started having health problems that kept getting worse. It took a lot of diagnostic tests and doctors visits to figure out what was wrong. I was on the edge of having a mental breakdown because I wasn't sure if I'd need surgery or what would happen. I don't have close family to come and help and my friends here are all busy caring for their little kids. It was a crisis. Everything around me is uprooted. My daughter and I are sleeping on a mattress on the floor after having previously lived in a luxury gated community in a beautiful new home. Most of our stuff is still in boxes in the new house that my husband built for us (that's another story - he wanted to build his dream house without factoring in who would live there) where he now lives alone.

Finally last week I got a diagnosis and hope to slowly recover but the normal steps someone would take to 'get a life' haven't been realistic for me these past few weeks. It's all been a blur and I've been living day-by-day not knowing what's wrong with my health.

I've been on the phone with friends every night or meeting friends during the day, going to church events, and I signed up for a meditation class that starts tomorrow so I'm doing my best to avoid being alone. I've demanded that my husband help with our daughter extra the past few weeks but he's extremely annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Some days he loves her more than anything in the world and then other days he says she's a mistake and complains how he's too tired to take her. He doesn't know anything about how to care for her, so I hesitate to send her off with him more than a short time because it seems she just tags along while he does his shopping or works and he's not really doing anything enriching for her.

It feels complicated and overwhelming. I think I'm further behind in the 'get a life' process than most but I'm trying to slowly accept that there are a lot of things I can't control at the moment. There should be DB guidelines for complex or crisis situations because I had no problem applying those techniques the first time but this is so different. I also now have a pile of medical bills and I'm not working so I have to 1) get my husband to re-prioritize his spending to cover those bills and 2) I need to move to a city where I can get a job in my profession so I'm self sufficient again, but moving again is probably not wise right at this moment. Just eating right now is a big deal and I lost a dangerous amount of weight.

My mindset might be better in a few weeks and I may be better able to apply your suggestions (PsySara and Sotto) after getting out of crisis-mode. I really appreciate your input! PsySara I think what you're saying is I need to use a tougher approach with my husband to get him to help. I just wish I could trust him more with our daughter but another option might be asking him to cover more babysitting hours. And I wish there was a way to expedite the DB process after falling so far behind. Wish me luck!

Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Hi Everyone,

It's been a few weeks since I posted on my own thread. My health was a little better and then got worse again but I've been trying to avoid reaching out to my husband as much as possible.

My husband still shows no signs of wanting to talk about the future, however, last week apparently he called when I was sleeping and I didn't notice the next morning. Then when we left church there were two missed calls from him. I called back and he said he drove to our apartment to check on us because I didn't answer. I told him we were sleeping / at church. This is odd because he normally could not care less.

My husband's brother and his family are coming to a nearby city next week and I was going to take our daughter alone to see them since my husband didn't express interest in seeing them. Their daughters are our daughter's only cousins and they love each other so this is a good opportunity for them to see each other. Tonight my husband called and said we can all go together and stay over night next weekend. It seems practical so I said yes.

This is probably the worst period of my life to date. My health just isn't good and it's already been years since my husband started having affairs and stopped making an effort to work towards the marriage. Sometimes I feel that I'm wasting time by waiting to hear from him because there's very little incentive on his part to change the current situation. He's now free and living on his own while he still has us living nearby 'waiting' for him to figure out what he wants. Meanwhile my options for getting out and doing stuff are just limited because I have a toddler and I'm sick.

I'm still trying to find the energy and enthusiasm to raise our daughter alone and give her all that she needs, but I wonder how all of you handle the holidays? I have so many happy memories of the holidays with my husband. On one hand I don't want to spend them alone but on the other hand giving my husband the option of joining us at his convenience and then returning back to his free and happy life without us makes me feel worse.

Several other threads have raised the topic of spouses who leave turning into totally different people. I can relate because this is not the man I married. He was so great and was always helpful when I was sick and so supportive in everything. Now he's like a stranger. But I also see my husband acting like his own self around his friends and family, so it's just around me that he's a totally different person. I guess he simply doesn't love me anymore, so that's what makes it hard to be sure that the DB techniques here are appropriate. We have a child though and I'd give anything for her to live with both her parents.

I'd be happy for any feedback and will continue to respond to everyone else's posts as much as possible.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
"It's already been years since my husband started having affairs and stopped making an effort to work towards the marriage. Sometimes I feel that I'm wasting time by waiting to hear from him because there's very little incentive on his part to change the current situation. He's now free and living on his own while he still has us living nearby 'waiting' for him to figure out what he wants."

Have a look at the blue section above Nicole. Therein lies the problem IMHO. Now he will do what he will do, but whether you sit and 'wait' for him to call or 'wait' for him to decide is up to you.

Actually, I would focus on regaining your health and rebuilding your own life just now and put him firmly on the back burner. That would be good for you and the dynamic above may change to - He's single and living alone - he can also see you moving forward without him - that unsettles him etc..

Do you have a clear treatment plan now Nicole? I hope you'll start to feel much better soon. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Nicole - me again grin

Just ruminating some more on what you posted above and the phrase sticking in my mind is - ask for what you need. Do you find that difficult? I certainly do as a recovering people pleaser. Don't rock the boat is deeply ingrained for me - I'm still working on it!!

So, from all that you posted - you would really welcome some more support so that you can recharge and improve your health - and maybe even get out and enjoy yourself a little.

Is there a particular reason why you are parenting 24/7 and your H just calls in and visits to spend a little time with his child? When I met XH he had been S for a year and he had his S (then 4) every weekend and a night during the week. So, normally 3 nights a week and he worked full time.

I think you may want to ask your H to participate more fully. Would it be an option for you to say - H, I'd like for (our child) to stay with you a couple of nights a week in order that I can recharge, go out (or whatever.) How do you feel about that suggestion??

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 110
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 110
Hi Nicole, sorry you're feeling so ill. I hope you feel better soon x

I agree with Sotto, if H can look after your D more that would be a double help for you, 1) to recharge and get better

2) to begin GAL and show him you're not 'waiting' on him to get his act together.

As to the holidays...I'm ruminating on that too. But my children are all adults 18, 20, 23 and it's easier to make it a group decision. I'm actually happy to have Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve and we'll all get to open presents together...then H can book an expensive Christmas meal and take them all out. I then get the house to myself with the dogs! Sounds bliss, as they'll all return in the evening fed and I can just enjoy their company.

For you? What do you WANT to do, this is your time and do whats best for you and your D. Your D won't miss out as I know you'll sort out time for her to see her dad, but do what you feel comfortable doing and not to make H happy.

Get well soon x


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
Together 31 years
Married 25 years
Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010
Separated September 2017
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
If this sounds harsh, I don't mean for it to.

The new reality is that you are going to be spending the rest of your holidays, at least for the foreseeable future, without H. Figure out what YOU want to do, and do it.

(I'm trying to make the adjustment, too......)


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
NicoleR Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
All, thanks for your responses!

Sotto, I'm trying to do as you suggest with my health and rebuilding my life. It's hard trying to cover everything in a forum like this but to really move on and rebuild my life I need to recover from this health problem and move back to the Northeast, get a new job in my field, and be financially independent as well as closer to my closest friends. My husband and I dreamed to move to this smaller town where we currently live, but if we're not together, there's no reason to stay here.

I need to wait a while to move and get a new job though. Right now I can barely eat and I'm still in the danger zone with my health. It's also unfair to my daughter to uproot her after we've already moved six times since she was born and we just moved two months ago. Another big move at the moment wouldn't be good for us.

Yes, I can try to move on in other ways in the meantime. I'm active in a new church, made a lot of new friends in this city who I see on a regular basis, seeing a counselor and a psychologist, and I'm volunteering for several organizations and maintain contact with my career network, among other things. But to me this isn't sufficient.

So I don't know how to reconcile the advice of the DB book with my current situation. There are just limitations at the moment. I'd love to move to Europe, start a new business, and spend my days exercising and meditating but those aren't options right now. Simply going out at night to bars and clubs isn't something I've ever done nor wish to do now, so that's not they key to getting a life either. It's a transitional period in life in many ways.

What I really want is a husband who is committed and together we raise our daughter and support each other's careers. I've done many things in life I've wanted to do at a young age and at this age what I wish for is to be with my husband and daughter, but this isn't possible right now.

For now I'm trying to focus on just eating, sleeping, raising my daughter, and the other things I mentioned above. My husband knows I want more than this in life and to me these couple of things don't constitute getting a life. But I can't do many of the other things at the moment. I have to figure out not just how to move on from my husband but how to find happiness being sick and unemployed in a city where I probably won't stay. My husband knows me well enough to know I'm stuck under bad circumstances and if I fake happiness overnight that it's just an act.

My guess is that it's not going to be an overnight process in my case. Does anyone else feel like that?

Sotto, I actually don't have trouble asking my husband for things. I demanded that he take our daughter when I had to go to the ER and urgent care recently and when I had to do other medical tests. I had him sign an agreement that he'll take our daughter three nights a week for two hours per visit and pay our bills. He works six days per week, 12 hours per day, and keeps complaining that taking our daughter doesn't work for him but he's doing it. It's not benefiting her though. He ends up doing things with her that don't enrich her in any way. Last night he said he'll take her to a pizza shop that's 30 minutes away. I asked why he's going so far and he said because the long drive passes the time faster. Basically she's sitting for an hour in the car just because my husband isn't interested in spending quality time with her. Asking him to do more won't work because of his work schedule and attitude. He doesn't like being a father and I feel too sorry for our daughter to spend more time with someone who's not interested in her.

Caz, your Christmas plans sound nice. What I wish for of course is to spend the holidays with my husband and daughter together but even if my husband wants to come it should probably be for a limited time. I can't travel anywhere since I'm sick, but I guess my daughter and I will just stay home and play with the toys she gets and cook together. I'll do what I can to make it fun for her.

Jim, thanks for your message. Again I guess what I want isn't possible, and at the moment there aren't any alternatives that I want either, but it's my sole responsibility to give my daughter a fun and happy Christmas experience so I'll do my best to play with her and make it fun for her.

The counselor that I saw yesterday suggests a different approach than the DB one. She believes I should do nice things for my husband and invite him for the holidays because any time we spend together is an opportunity for him to soften his heart. It's hard knowing if that approach is better than the DB one. To me it seems I've already tried that and it didn't work. He still left. My friends all think I should just divorce my husband but it's easy to tell someone else to do that. It's harder when you're the one doing it.

It seems I need to find a way to accept my situation for the next six months or so before I can do the things I really want to do to *try* to move on and create a new beginning. Maybe I need to settle for finding happiness in simple things, like the sun shining or my daughter's smile, and let go of the dreams that aren't attainable for now.

How does everyone here define getting a life? I need to dig out the DB book from the moving boxes that ended up in storage and re-read. What happens when you can't go to hair salons every week and party with your friends and take fun classes? I think I may need to be patient for the coming months until I can do more.

Thanks for everyone's input! This is the worst and darkest time of my life and it's helpful to see how others are coping and found their way to the other side.

Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard