Husband gone for second time - new here

[NicoleR]

Sotto,

I'll try to read that author. Thanks! The hobbies you started sound really fun. I'd be happy to read your threads and those of anyone who survived divorce because I need to be prepared. Sorry to hear your ex also found a younger woman. Why is it so easy for older men to find these younger women? It seems like they're everywhere.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. I honestly feel overwhelmed even though the problems with my husband have been going on for a while but there was always a glimmer of hope things could work out. Now I'm not so sure.

[Sotto]

Hi Nicole, there is always hope as long as you choose to leave the door open to reconciliation. If you haven't read the 37 rules, it's a good idea to do that. And certainly the rule about not losing heart even though things may feel bleak is an important one.

In cases of reconciliation, the LBS had felt just the same as us and didn't believe it would be possible. But things turn sometimes and we just don't know which situations will.

For now though, I would focus on DBing basics in your interactions with your H and just steady yourself. It's great that you have become more involved in the church - it really helps to build up our own support networks at times like these. Do you have other family and friends locally too, and is work supportive?

I also found reading around the whole subject of infidelity/midlife crisis helpful. My situation was different to yours, but I'm a bit of a researcher and it helped me feel a little less lost for sure.

Hope today is a better day for you :)x

[Sotto]

Oh also I meant to say - I hear what you're saying about - there are no good options here. I can remember thinking the same - there are no easy roads out of here. Reconciliation (though I wanted that) didn't feel easy. Divorce - ugh - etc...

But the path of personal growth (trauma growth) is the way to go I think. Again not an easy road, but a rewarding one. I have come to value so much that I have learned through this process and I do feel I have become a better person - calmer, less concerned about what others may think, more boundaried and more joyful. Gifts worth having...

[CW2017]

I can certainly echo that

[NicoleR]

Thanks Sotto and CW. I'm obviously thinking a lot about this and question whether I'm wasting my time with DB when there may be less suffering if we choose to divorce. This has been going on for a few years now and my husband hasn't even said "I love you" for years.

I'm not perfect but I've tried really hard to offer second chances and I've bought my husband many gifts and cards to celebrate his career achievements, birthdays, etc.. but he hasn't done anything at all for me in many years.

I guess I said it in another post but I feel afraid of trading one set of problems for another if I do manage to get into a new relationship. Relationships all seem to start out great, even for many years. But what if I find myself in the same place with another man in ten years? Someone else may cheat or there may be something different like alcohol, issues with extended family abuse, etc.. This makes it hard to think about moving on. My husband isn't violent or abusive in any way. He's used to be a good man at heart, just very immature and selfish since he discovered he can have whatever he wants here in the US and he's always had me to fall back on. I think I failed to respond effectively the first time I found him talking to other women and he lost respect for me.

I will do my best to practice DB techniques a bit longer but need to really consider more if that's the best route. I believe in the DB book there is a last resort where you say you'll file divorce and be ready to do so. I recall it saying that may push the spouse into changing. I don't know though if that would have a positive impact in my case? There's not much more to lose in our case so I may study it more.

There is something else I'd like to ask for anyone who's reading and can respond. I saw PsySara refer to this phenomenon but failed to copy it to quote it here. Basically cheating is a really bad thing to do and it's very difficult to do a 180 where you act like you no longer care, act pleasant, and look like you're moving on. I know you're supposed to do it for your own sake, but to some degree it feels like you're letting the other person off the hook. They don't have to deal with you suffering anymore.

My husband's current departure may not be driven by a current affair but that's a big factor into what happened previously. So what if he does come back (which I don't even anticipate much) and I can't maintain that carefree happy demeanor because the pain and memories were never dealt with? Does a cheating, reckless spouse just get off the hook at that point and we just move on?

I guess the DB book stops at the point of them returning and from thereon you need to address all the painful issues once the spouse returns. I'll have to read more of other people's threads to see how it's played out for others.

Sorry this post is kind of scattered but I'm not 100% sure about which DB technique to use, or whether to use any, as I sit and think how this has gone on for years. I know I should just move on regardless but filing for divorce is a specific action that I'd like to consider further.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Sotto]

I would slow down when it comes to any big decisions as you guys have just recently separated. You don't need to decide anything at this point in time, just take care of yourself and your child and coparent with your H. The big stuff can wait for a Little while.

I can understand how you must feel if this has gone on for a while and ultimately whether you choose to file at some point is up to you. I didn't, but then my situation went south only over the course of a year or so - the ten years prior to that were good.

Also, try not to worry about a potential future relationship - that's a ways down the road. I used to find myself panicking about X and Y - holidays, Xmas - and I kept coming back to - just think about this week - no further ahead. I'll deal with further ahead when I get there..

Blu's thread is a useful one in terms of what may happen after DBing. She and her H are back together again, and she says she wished she had DB'd better and done more for herself. She is insightful and you may find that a useful read too.

Xx

[NicoleR]

Thanks Sotto and Cadet for your messages. I'm trying to let go of any big decisions. I've actually been physically not well and have needed to call my husband to get help with my daughter. I don't know if it's caused by the psychological stress of my husband leaving or other stressors that have happened recently but now I need a number of invasive medical procedures in the next few weeks to find out what's wrong and feel paralyzed by fear. I can barely function, between starting over without my husband, worrying about what will happen to my daughter if I get worse and can't care for her, the physical pain, and just everything... I'm trying to force myself to be ok for my daughter, to take her out and play with her, but inside I feel like I'm living a nightmare and can't wake up. Has anyone else here had health problems after their spouse leaves?

[Sotto]

Hi Nicole, I'm so sorry you have been struggling with your health - it is such a tough time and that does happen for many people. It took a little while for me to regain my appetite and sleep better. I did lose weight and it took me a while to put that back on. I didn't work for a little while after BD - I left the area and my job too when XH and I split up. I was lucky to be taken in my Mum and Dad and live with them for a few months. I had no-one to look after but myself and very little pressure, so I was lucky.

Every day, do try and do something nice for yourself - a bath, nice cup of tea, some healthy food, the sun on your face, a little walk, meditation. Also, I found it helpful to see a therapist for a while to talk about things and cry (a lot!) Your current health challenges could well be due to the great stress you have been under, but hopefully the tests will be reassuring and you'll understand what is happening and what treatment is available.

Do keep posting, taking care of yourself and calling on support when you need it. Family and good friends will be happy to help and don't be afraid to ask.

Take care and I hope you start feeling much better soon xxx

[NicoleR]

Hi Sotto,

Thanks for your response. I'm really trying to do those things you suggest. I got part of a diagnosis for my condition and it's a fairly bad problem that'll take a while to treat. I didn't have any of the risk factors except stress. I do have a psychologist and a counselor and they help to some degree, until you hit a point where there's not much left to discuss because you're already doing the things they suggest and there's no change in the marriage status.

In any case it's nice to see you went through all that and survived. I hope I will too. Thanks again!