That's pretty sh...y ginger. Its nice not to be aggravated by that type of behavior anymore. I would rather be alone then feeling tied to someone that treats me that way.... Yet I was tied to some one that was treating me that way. I kept arguing, and trying to rationalize, and show him how wrong he was, instead of just saying..."Hey you can make that choice that is really unfair, and i have absolutely no say or power over it. Yo're choosing this way, shows that you are not treating me with respect. But I do have the power to walk away. " Yet at the same time, that belief that you can walkaway also conflicts with the commitment of a marriage and sticking with your marriage when things are not right.
I feel like I was mostly aggravated at the end. My ex was'nt that bad till the end. Or perhaps, he was but it never really manifested because I had never really had to contend with any super serious life events.
Or perhaps he started treating me bad because he just did not like me any more and wanted out and that's what people do. They treat the other person badly, because they committed and regret their commitments and form intense resentment. Does this make them bad guys? To me it does. My ex will always be a bad guy and a bad father in my eyes.
I recently witnessed this happen with some friends. Walk away was not treating spouse the way one should. Just blatantly disrespectful for years. Eventually walkaway cheats and leaves, because they were unhappy for years and just done.
Looking at them, you realize walkaway was treating spouse that way because they were "done" but not ready to leave?
So i have to remember that when I sense someone is treating me in a prolonged disrespectful way, I have to recognize it and be willing to walk away from some one that is "done" to save me tons of heartache.
The expensive gifts? They started a little after something fairly significant had happened with STBXH (emotionally).
The disregard/disrespect for my health? Well, I had that too. I hurt my back while he was working away and I was staying with him (this was about 11 months before he finally ran away). It was pretty bad...it was six months before I was better from it, although I'm still suffering the health consequences of it, a number of years on. I later found out when I was at physio that a guy that had something similar to me had been in hospital on a morphine drop.
Anyway, so there I was, about 10 days into this whole horrendous experience that was to drag on months and months. I was away from home and staying with him while he was working on something. There was a Christmas party. I said I would go along, as long as we could leave not too late.
Bearing in mind, I was in **a lot** of physical pain, hadn't been able to lie in bed to sleep since it had started, had managed to 'sleep' sitting upright in a chair for a few hours a night, I made it to I think it was either midnight by that point. I said to him that I wanted to go home.
What did he do? He disappeared (with the one key that we had to our accommodation) for another couple of hours. I tried phoning him...nothing. By that point I was exhausted and in a huge amount of pain. The only thing I could do was just sit in the venue of the Christmas party, and just stare into space.
At the point where I just decided to walk back and wake our landlord up, he appeared, looking really surprised. What had he been doing? Sitting in a room somewhere and smoking pot.
I really can't believe all of that, writing it again. Who would want to be with someone that treated them with such disrespect and disregard?
Anyway, on the plus side, I'm finally addressing the consequences of my back injury. I realise that stopping feeling the pain is only part of the recovery process. The other part is regaining strength and flexibility. Except I'm not just aiming to get back to where I was before I hurt my back, in terms of strength and flexibility...I'm aiming to improve on that.
A metaphor for life, eh?
I bet we've all got stories of being treated with disregard and disrespect...
Ha! I've just remembered something he said towards the very end...it was something along the lines of not wanting to get to the point where he was treating me badly because he was resenting me. Makes me laugh now...he'd been doing just that for a number of years previous. Pathetic.
Anyway, yes, I agree, I have to remember that when I sense that someone is treating me in a prolonged disrespectful way, I have to recognise it, and draw some boundaries to preserve myself.
Yesterday I was consumed with anger for my ex. I gave myself anger and vent time. And currently I do not feel that intensely. Although I know it will come again.
Today I was consumed with stress and anger at my attorneys.
(I actually have more hatred for them then any of the walkaways on here. They are the absolute scum of the earth and deserve the worst that life has to offer any one)
I am going to go to arbitration over their bills. They billed unethically. And they were just so poor at critical thinking. I had to look up laws to tell them what was advantageous to me. Regarding changes in higher education and a basic federal tax law. I would not mind collaborative work, but when you are billing me for 2 lawyers (450$) on speaker phone for a 30 minute phone call which only took place for 12 minutes according to my phone bill that's really really bad. Why the hell did 2 attorneys conference in on a call. MY case is so simple!!!! There is so much more as well.
They get away with stuff like that because 1. There is no way in my state of looking up lawyers under investigation 2. It is really expensive to the person they take advantage of to pursue. Arbitration is an alternative but once you go that route it seems you lose your right to claim malpractice.
The emotions just overwhelm me. They really do. I don't act on them at all. If you met me in person, you would never know I feel like this. But i was really mad. And i have a right to be mad. They are 100% wrong. But think they are gods that can inflict insane and unaudited billing practices and fees that people with similar or even more valuable skill sets cannot. They are true narcissists.
But my lesson is to learn that its ok to feel the anger, but not let it consume me anymore. I cant let it affect my interactions with my son (the anger being in the back of my mind) or drag me down so that I do not do fun things for myself either (like starting that dating profile or exercising)
I sometimes wish i could just move into a area void of all people, since most of them just want to take advantage of you.
So i finally signed up for an online dating match.
Because I'm new and wrote a profile that was not generic (although probably pretty dorky) I have had a nice response. There are a couple of guys that seem genuine and nice and like potential dates. But for some reason, I am afraid to respond back. I am not shy. I don't have social anxiety or anything like that. So am not sure why. I know it can be considered rude to not answer with anything. So i am not sure with how long I can get away with not responding back.
I am also having a hard time not constantly checking to see new messages. (just like when I post here)
On line dating is so different from waiting till that guy you met called you!
The bad thing about the online dating site is that every one knows whose reading whose profiles and when your online, so my obsessive nature needs to be reigned in.
I have a lot of stressful things coming up. CSE meeting, figuring out lawyer bills to arbitrate ( I wrote my attorney a letter and cant wait to see how she once again twists what I am asking her about like she did at my last inquiry. Lawyers are great at that), getting a second job...i am in a great position in that finding a job will be easy, just not sure how to handle it. My current job is desperate for more help too right now and even that is hard for me to commit to while trying to get son settled in school and with all these upcoming holidays and days off. Its been so long, and I am not knocking these things off my list like I should be!
The dating thing is fun stuff and non threatening stuff to analyze though though, so will write about that.
So far, I have weeded through many and responded back to 2 messages and initiated one message and have had positive feedback. Have yet to go on any dates though. But maybe will set something up for this weekend. I am really curious about other people's situations and what their baggage is, but I know you cant really talk about that early on. I am 39 and do acknowledge that guys my age are going to go for younger woman (which makes sense if they want to start families)Guys my age with kids will go for me or for younger women. Younger guys will go for me, but I know they will not be looking for anything serious so I never respond. T I am a catch to guys over 50, but worry about them because I wonder why they are so adverse to women their own age. They are usually financially secure and maybe looking more for space and freedom and fun. A companion, but not necessarily a family.
I think all this and post on here, but IRL I don't take it too seriously. (I have more serious issues to contend with) I promise!
Online dating is weird, because its not really about meeting someone or relating to someone and feeling a clique or spark or friendship. Its just about cold hard logistics and for many (not me) a good pic. I go for original profiles that reveal someone is looking for commitment and maybe a little unique in their thinking. But I know that even those profiles can just be good marketing or good PR (as a friend pointed out) I cant wait to actually set up a date.
JujuB, online dating is weird for sure but with anything it's what you make of it. I Have my foot dipped into the apps but don't allow much to come from it, for several reasons. I actually laughed at some article you were talking about elsewhere not long ago. It was mentioning passing on guys who don't respond first after matching them (something I find myself doing) as they are likely emotionally unavailable. I'm sure there's a nugget of truth to it, for some guys anyway, lol
Hope all's going well and things with the ex and L's come to a resolution soon you can live with.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You know what? I did not listen to my own advice. I ended up messaging the guy that lived closest and whose profile I had the best vibe from...and I was right. Great guy. Raised his child by himself. Seems like more of a well adjusted LBS then a walkaway. We went on 2 casual predates and he seems really interested. He said he does not message any more at all because he wasn't really getting responses.
That seems to be the problem a lot of guys get, and I can see it. The women seem to get too many messages and likes where it becomes impossible to respond even if someone seems cool. Its just way too much. And its really because there are a lot of guys that just mass send tons of messages to everyone without even reading the profiles. I heard its a numbers game.
I went on a predate with one other person and it seemed to go well. I am surprised when guys seem to like talking to me and prolong it, because my ex truly wanted nothing to do with me for a really long time.
The thing that is different about online dating is that you are going out with someone in which there is no previous crush, or attraction. Like in the olden days of dating, for someone to ask you out they probably liked you for a while. This is more like blind dates, with a little bit of pre banter.
I am going for the guys that seem "safe" or that I get the LBS feeling from. I can tell based on who has the kids, and some of the things they say. What they are looking for. But I dont know if I am necessarily physically attracted or does that come once you know someone?
Someone that was really interesting and seemed super smart and funny and had a bit of depth said something about seeking happiness, and I just knew and delved and his marriage seemed filled with infidelity (supposedly on both ends)I know its a red flag but i cannot help debating.
Anyway, I am wondering if my desire for safety and security after my experiences with my marriage will influence me in going for somone "practical" instead of someone I feel that chemistry with, and if that's a bad thing.
Also, last weekend was the first weekend I went out on these predates. When I came home, I felt really bad. I actually cried. Because none of these guys pulled the crap my ex did. One raised his child, the other was seeing his kids a minimum of 3 days a week. And his ex was well provided for.
My ex was really gross financially. I don't even know how he looks in the mirror.
HE spent most of his earnings and savings on god knows what and left his child and wife to live off his in laws. And he had the capability and potential. Top schools, great field, super smart. Hes so pathetic. I dont get it. I do, but its really pathetic. Every one seems to look good comparatively.
