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Just caught up with your posts JujuB,

We are so similar in our way of thinking. When I read you, it is almost like what I would have written. What we all went through isn't easy, however there is a point where the line needs to be drawn.

To me it feels like you are poisoning yourself trying to understand why it all happened. There are days when I wonder how ex can live with another woman's kids but his own. And then I realised that I'm not the one with the issues (well we all have, but I'm cleaning my side). What I'm trying to say is that I have given up trying to understand why or what all this happened. I will never get my answers as they lie with ex, and accepting this has lifted a weight off my shoulders.

At the moment the only person who is making you unhappy is you, not ex as he has already checked out. I'm not being rude or critical but it hurts me to see you like this. I have managed to come out of it and I can tell you the sky is more much clearer and bluer than with ex.

Have you thought about changing things in your diet? I'm slowly replacing white food with wholemeal and I can tell you that it makes a hell of a difference. If you don't want AD, have tried 5HTP ( from healthshop) as it has an impact on mood? Every morning I drink a warm glass of water and half a squeezed lemon and I'm not tired. These are healthy things I have tried and they worked for me as I didn't want any AD.

From what I'm reading you are struggling with accepting what happened. Would you want to go back to your old marriage? My ex never tried to come back as he was done, but you know what even if it's hard at times I know deep down I'm better off. Once you realise this you are taking a bit step towards recovery.

It's good that you read all those information about addiction as you are learning something new, however only your ex can help himself. He has to want to. As Job said several times, youn didn't break him, so you can't help him. You need to focus on what you want. Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? I guess not, so write down on a piece of paper a SMART goal ( an easy one) , then write down his you are going to achieve it. The goal has to be an easy one to built your confidence up and as you set yourself some more you will get better.

I'm sorry if my 2x4 are a bit harsh but it really breaks my heart to see you like this. Please take care of yourself and your little one.

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I am in negotiating phase now.

There are decisions to be made now that are not so black and white because of the issue of possible drugs. I am told by my lawyer that because our marriage was short (we were together for a little 15 years but married for only 7) it does not make sense to divide out pensions/retirements. It does not make sense to go after alimony. And that I cant go after all the money he withdrew secretly from his accounts...which makes no sense to me. That money could have been put down as a home or investment. He lied to me about that money. That money would have benefited our son in every way, but my ex is the LOWEST OF THE LOW. HE IS NOTHING BUT A SELF SERVING, SWINE.

I am told that he can later argue child support while son is in college. I am told that he can pay less then standard 17%, if I some day earn more money. This all seems terribly unfair, since his child support would not even pay for an illegal basement apartment where I live and since I have son way over the standard 70/30 percent of the time. I am told I cannot move to a more affordable area without his permission. (Which I am exceedingly grateful for and in all truth would rather have time with son then more money)None of this seems legit to me, but its what the lawyer is telling me.

I read all these men's rights groups and I have no idea what they are complaining about. The laws have certainly not been favorable to me.

I am not sure if my lawyer is just not aggressive, or practical regarding what courts would likely decide and the costs of legal fees.

The unfairness of the financial aspect really bothers me.

I am negotiating for supervised overnights, but wonder if its enough. Ex comes across as well dressed. Responsible. He is for the most part on time and always responsible with child support. He seems Concerned about son - he appears involved because i have extra curricular outings and parties scheduled for ex to take him to when he does have son. But really, he is only concerned when in front of the lawyers. He rarely asks about son and takes no interest in his health or educational interests. He is so high functioning, and so aware I even doubt myself about a drug addiction problem. So what is safe for son? I dont even know. And I want my son to have a relationship with his father.

My biggest fear is that my son will be like his father though. What to I do, what do I say to prevent that?

Just rambling and ruminating on the same things I always seem to. It is weighting heavily on my mind.


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Thank you Rouky

You're 2x4's are not harsh. Just very accurate. I am hoping to be more focused on myself once the divorce papers are signed. I am poisoning myself right now. I realize that just as my ex is poisoning himself with chemical substances, I am poisoning myself with procrastination, anxiety and negativity. They both have very similar outcomes. I am seeking help again this time with a counselor and I am trying hypnotherapy again. It is working. But today was a tough day. Tomorrow I will do better. I am going out with friends and will make sure to be productive starting forward. I was much better earlier this week though.

I have to break out of some very bad and self sabatoging habits.
Diet would no doubt help. (IRL, I do not come across as the negative nancy. I guess i journal all my deep rooted dark thoughts here on the boards . But surely they are in my mind and very damaging)

I would never want to go back to my old marriage. I am discovering that my ex had been leading a double life. I was so unhappy and did not know why. Things were always so unfair and imbalanced and unhealthy and I just didnt understand why. I have to figure out why that was so acceptable to me. Why did I marry him? There were tons of really selfish and foreboding behaviors before we married...I was just young and inexperienced with relationships. Why did I trust him over my own feelings?

The one way my situation has changed for the better, is I am now discovering who he was and who he is. For a while, I truly thought it was all me. We fought and argued so much, but I always believed him to be this great guy and husband. I know better know. Everything he did and said, was to ensure that his money went for himself and drugs. Me and our son were not the priority. I think that him marrying me was some kind of cover. For himself, and others. I really, truly believe this. I was the perfect girl to bring home to mom.

I look back and remember how the majority of his friends had addiction issues. A lot of them were alcoholics and there were some that I am now realizing had to be into some really hard core drugs. Beyond the typical college experimenting phase. Why didnt I see this?.... Answer because he was a really educated professional and because his mom was SUZY homemaker.

And I know, Im not supposed to be looking back but focusing on moving forward. But for so long, everything was such a secret. And now I am learning these answers. And the answer is still the same...

Just move forward with my life


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One of the things he said to me after he first left still haunts me and I would like insight.

He said "Nothing will change for you. I am the one that loses everything. (referring to child support) Its not like you had my affection"

He also said "you did nothing for me" When I said I raised our son he responded "thats not for me"

These are the words of a classic Narcissist.


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I wanted to come here and thank you so much for your post on my thread. And you are dead on right. I have the most awful habit of blaming myself and beating myself up and looking for what I did wrong. I was lead to believe my divorce was all my fault too. It sticks with you. It haunts you. It is a trigger and something that needs to be unlearned. I can understand how you sat there and thought this divorce was your fault. I am so glad you are finding out it is not. Sure, there are things we could all work on and 180, but sometimes, they are just not our fault. Our spouses unfortunate choices are sometimes at fault, and it's not us who lead them to those choices, they are ones we had no say in.

I know you IRL and you are smart, energetic, beautiful and fun. I understand the war that wages within sometimes. But it doesn't make us who we are. I think the biggest injustice to ourselves would be to deny ourselves happiness and peace. I might be doing that to myself now.

I am glad you restarted counseling. I am going to see my IC tonight. it really helps. And I just happened to be looking into hypnotherapy the other day. My mind spins. My mind will play a situation over and over like a repeated conversation in my head going in every possible direction. I need to learn how to turn it off if not slow it down. it's where my own self torment comes in.

Me, you, a night this summer. What do you say?

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We definatly have to meet up G. It would really be easy.

I love hypnotherapy. And I love my hypnotherapist. She has been through exactly what I have been through, so she can relate and seems to understand the type of help I need without me telling her. She's very intuitive and just seems really passionate about her field. I just talk to her about my life and she gets it. It was such a bizarre coincidence but our experiences have been insanely similar. It's more like a guided meditation and you're in control and aware the whole time...like if you want to get up and walk out of the room, you totally could. She said it normally takes about 4 sessions. It's not a forever thing. But I trust her and feel more comfortable with her then I did with counselors. The counselors were always so aware of that 45 min being up (And i totally get it) but this is not the case with my hypnotherapist.

She said something about like attracting like regarding relationships and meeting new people. Which is why we want to address our own inner demons I guess.

I have been in a relationship with someone that just wanted to be left alone for a really long time. I would fight and argue with him over not spending time with me...talk about pathetic. For me, it is hard for me to think that someone actually wants to spend time with me and connect on an emotional level so I am very detached with people. I have given all men the label of wanting their freedom and space over a relationship at an extreme level. I had the opposite problem that you did, in that I was and probably still am unable to truly invest in someone. A friend whose ex wife was also an addict told me that this is very common. I was able to be a light hearted friend and advice giver to that guy I dated a while ago, but I never truly could connect the way he seemed to. Although I probably sensed he was not a good match as well.

Really, I have to just sign the divorce papers and venture out. Reinstate my life.


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Hi JuJu,
I don't know if you've read any of my threads. I had seen your name a time or two, but never had gone back and followed you from the beginning. Something caught my eye in one of your posts last night to another person in this forum, and since I normally only stay in Newcomers, I guess I had missed your story.
I was reading where you were describing your STBXH's drug problem, and the signs that you missed for so long. It completely swept me away, and as I went back and began to read your story, I was stunned by how similar my H sounds to yours. I was up most of the night reading your posts, and today I have to say, perhaps my H's issues may not be the job, etc. that he claims them to be. I have to say, in the very beginning after BD, both my family and I wondered aloud if perhaps he had gotten into the wrong group of people in his new big city life and work, and possibly was doing some type of drugs. The more I read, the more I think this may be a possibility.
When you have a chance, would you mind going back to my threads and skimming my story, just to give me your perspective on what I've journaled over the last few months. I think there are 3 threads total so not a whole lot to cover, but I would treasure your thoughts and possible insights into what I've written. I know that we can never, and MAY never know, what the root cause is to the breakdown of our marriage, and I'm not asking you to diagnose by any means, but to have a fresh set of eyes on my story might help me, especially as he plans to visit (well, as you will read, we will SEE if he visits) in the coming days. Maybe you can advise me on things to look for while we are in the same house for a week or so. I have not seen him since Jan. 1, so there's been very little snooping to be done, with the exception of a bank account that we own jointly. Either he hasn't figured out that I can see his daily transactions, or he doesn't care, but either way, it's about the only way I have to know a little about his life. There are some scattered amounts of money withdrawn that I have no idea what they are used for, but then again, he is the only contributor to that particular account, so I've not asked, because I don't want to give away my one link to his life.
I hope things are going well for you. I've only caught up fully to about your 4th thread, so after this weekend, I look forward to catching all the way up to the present.
Thanks, Julie. It's so good to read others' threads and watch them grow and change, and become better, stronger people than when they got here. You're a real inspiration to me in my own journey.


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BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Ugh. Today is fathers day and my 2 year BD anniversary. Quite Fitting. We are in final stages of negotiating and the goal is to have our papers signed by the end of this month.

I have just been so stressed. I am coming to terms with

1. Feeling ripped off by lawyers
2. Discovery of financial infidelity at the least, and most likely husband leading a secret life as a drug/alcohol addict
3. Our relationship overall. The dynamics. The whys and hows. Why wasn't it preventable? Was it the drugs? Did our relationship influence the drug use or was it always there?
4. How to move forward? I have no attention span or ability to concentrate or energy or motivation.

I am just exhausted. Spiritually, mentally, physically.

Today I was mad, but for the past few weeks I have been doing a lot of crying. I wish I had some sort of escape. I guess the reality of it is hitting home. I dont know how some people just move forward with their lives. What makes me unhealthy and emotionally attached to it all.

Acute BD, I yelled, tried to rationalize and persuade. Blamed myself a lot. Blamed him.

Subacute BD, I started thinking like a walkaway. Thinking I could meet someone else. Fantasized. Procrastinated on the legal process.

Post BD, I guess I'm dealing with reality right now. Still roller coastering emotionally.

I know the answer is to appreciate what we have, and I do...
I am grateful for my son and for our relationship. I am grateful that there is no custody battle. I am grateful that ex is not outwardly nasty or aggressive. He just wants to be left alone. And I stopped engaging a long time ago. I am grateful that I have security. Maybe its that Im still coming to terms that life is not always fair.

I know I am rehashing and cycling, but sometimes it helps to write it out.


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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Me, you, a night this summer. What do you say?
Girls, you both need to get away. Come see me! wink



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Originally Posted By: SunnyB
Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Me, you, a night this summer. What do you say?
Girls, you both need to get away. Come see me! wink


I'm down! smile


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