Any Advice 3

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Sandi,

So basically I should have drawn up divorce papers in the first week like I was actually planning on doing upon finding out about he divorce?

[25yearsmlc]

I was thinking there may well be a combination of all 3 options, as a path.

Do you see how? Let me take a swing at it in a different order...

1) You see the L and get your financial ducks in a row. Make sure the kids are handled. Figure out the money issues and handle them. Do this FIRST. Everything else is harder if you don't.

2) You also become your best self, looking your best, new cologne, doing the "personal work" you felt was valid, so whatever those things are, you are handling them. Being your self makes everything else more likely. Including your happiness and healing.

3) You GAL

and no matter what else you do, you gotta work on DETACHMENT

(this is first, for your sanity, and then all the rest...) GAL gets you to the detachment piece of this.

It is vital to your well being.

3) about the only thing I might Not do, is bother to explain the boundary.

Because it's kind of a given. (Or is it? I'm asking.) Maybe you need to say it if it's a modification of something else, but to me,

it seems like the guy or woman who tells their spouse not to cheat on them, is weaker by saying it.

But if it's a change or might be news to her, say it once.

Then go on to number 3. She knows what to do if she wants to reconcile

You do not tell her what she needs to do to reconcile, if she has not asked-that would be pursuit with a side dish of "the controlling h" thrown in. NOT helpful of you. Makes you look weak

you assume she's leaving (b/c she's still with OM)

IF the time comes, Let her ask you what you'd need from her. Cross that bridge when you get to it.
.
Meanwhile your own happiness and growth are on the rise, which is your overall mission, correct?

[Tread]

23,

Thanks for that breakdown. Everything you said makes perfect sense. I just wish I had all of this information from the start. By the time I found this forum, I was already four months after BD. So much information here that would have made a huge difference at the time.

[gw5263]

Yes it would have. I wish I would have been emotionally stronger when I discovered the affair. I've felt all along I should have taken a harder line,but here I am 3 monthsfrom BD, trying to get it right. I really appreciate the informationhoosjim, sandi, and 25 . Powerful insight.....

[gw5263]

Strange things have been going on the past few days. I try not to read anything into them at all, just wanted to jot them down to get some possible insight. I have been GAL, keeping up the 180's, and working on detachment. Here are the things that have been going on-

- As stated previously, she was asked to leave Girl Scouts due to the A.
-Wife's work has big dinners for people's birthdays - they did nothing for hers, said it hurt her feelings, which it probably did. Her co workers are extremely religious and know about the A. Prior to the A, they loved being around her and doing things with her.

-OM did not send her an expected gift, nor posted anything regarding her birthday

-WW has been snippy, and moody for the past few days

- Due to issues surrounding her A, I was demoted at work one grade because my personal life had interfered with my professional life. I had taken time off due to emotional issues, and as a Lieutenant i was not giving 100 percent because of the issues i was having dealing with the A

-OM had a call from his ex regarding a message i sent to her 2 months ago, before joining DB. She called him last week and he called WW last night to complain about it.

-WW texted me while i was on break and read the riot act, stating that our issues were not due to him, to leave him alone and not blame him, that it was not a competition and he was not winning. She went on to say that she didn't want hatred, but if i tried to force her to R there may be ( I have not mentioned anything to do with the MR, OM, or R in some time) She continued by saying that in her current state of mind, and with everything that happened and is happening, she had no interest in R at this time.( Still, no mention by me of any of this). She said she felt dead inside and it was hard to come back from that. She said she had no faith in trying.

- Om has not called or facetimed in two days

-WW has spent the last two nights going to bed crying, according to our children. I had no idea, as I have been on duty the past two nights.

I can only speculate, but it sounds as if WW and OM are having significant issues and may possibly be breaking up, and she is blaming me for it. I plan on spending as much time out of the house and away from her as possible during this time. She seems to have fixated her anger on me for some reason, possibly blaming me for the breakup.

Again, I have not mentioned anything to her about the MR, R, OM, or us.....

[gw5263]

I don’t have any faith.- WW
Why no faith? - me
Because the state of mind I’m in and the place I’m at with everything and everything that has happened. I have no faith. - WW
I don’t mean to hurt you by saying this, but other than friendship, I feel dead inside.There is no coming back from that. - WW

From what? - Me

Being dead inside.-WW
I didn't realize it was that bad. I'm sorry. - Me
I'm sorry it has come to this too. - WW

It's not about him, He is not winning. It is not a Contest -WW

Excerpts from the text she sent me tonight at work after OM called her about the contact I had with his ex 2 months ago.

[25yearsmlc]

Strange things have been going on the past few days. I try not to read anything into them at all, just wanted to jot them down to get some possible insight. I have been GAL, keeping up the 180's, and working on detachment. Here are the things that have been going on-

- As stated previously, she was asked to leave Girl Scouts due to the A.
-Wife's work has big dinners for people's birthdays - they did nothing for hers, said it hurt her feelings, which it probably did. Her co workers are extremely religious and know about the A. Prior to the A, they loved being around her and doing things with her.

-OM did not send her an expected gift, nor posted anything regarding her birthday

-WW has been snippy, and moody for the past few days

- Due to issues surrounding her A, I was demoted at work one grade because my personal life had interfered with my professional life. I had taken time off due to emotional issues, and as a Lieutenant i was not giving 100 percent because of the issues i was having dealing with the A

-OM had a call from his ex regarding a message i sent to her 2 months ago, before joining DB. She called him last week and he called WW last night to complain about it.

-WW texted me while i was on break and read the riot act, stating that our issues were not due to him, to leave him alone and not blame him, that it was not a competition and he was not winning.

She went on to say that she didn't want hatred, but if i tried to force her to R there may be ( I have not mentioned anything to do with the MR, OM, or R in some time) She continued by saying that in her current state of mind, and with everything that happened and is happening, she had no interest in R at this time.( Still, no mention by me of any of this). She said she felt dead inside and it was hard to come back from that. She said she had no faith in trying.

- Om has not called or facetimed in two days

-WW has spent the last two nights going to bed crying, according to our children. I had no idea, as I have been on duty the past two nights.

I can only speculate, but it sounds as if WW and OM are having significant issues and may possibly be breaking up, and she is blaming me for it. I plan on spending as much time out of the house and away from her as possible during this time. She seems to have fixated her anger on me for some reason, possibly blaming me for the breakup.

Again, I have not mentioned anything to her about the MR, R, OM, or us.....

You are Definitely focussing way too much on her. GAL cannot be merely a tactic to get noticed by your w, but a way for YOU to detach.

Back off. Read nothing into anything. Don't interview her about her feelings.

(Why do you know it has been 2 days since they have facetimed?)

I know you say your work performance is A related, and I get it. It's incredibly distracting and painful. Some people can throw themselves into their work and I envy them.

Bottom line, we control how WE behave.

In your narrative, every thing bad in your life is your w's fault or OM's.

Take back your power. Giving your power away is one of the underlying themes in your situation.

FTR, I wish people who want to expose A's to 3rd parties, to "show them the consequences", could see how counter productive it is if the goal is reconciliation.

or if the goal is a good co-parenting relationship...this post of yours is a good example of how it backfires.


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[25yearsmlc]

I don’t have any faith.- WW
Why no faith? - me
Because the state of mind I’m in and the place I’m at with everything and everything that has happened. I have no faith. - WW
I don’t mean to hurt you by saying this, but other than friendship, I feel dead inside.There is no coming back from that. - WW

From what? - Me

this^^ is you wanting reassurance from her.

I think we both know that at least part of "no coming back" is that she now feels cornered publicly.

That increases the chances of her wanting out of the M, and seeing that as vindication that she was right to.


Being dead inside.-WW
I didn't realize it was that bad. I'm sorry. - Me
I'm sorry it has come to this too. - WW

It's not about him, He is not winning. It is not a Contest -WW

Excerpts from the text she sent me tonight at work after OM called her about the contact I had with his ex 2 months ago.

Don't contact the ex again (is she his wife or his ex? If she's his ex, what was the point of that?)

Don't apologize for it either. Even though I disagree with you doing it, you cannot be expected to be perfect in this painful situation and it is, what it is. It's done.

Maybe you can Go "from this day forward" like the vows say.

[gw5263]

25, the contact was back when I was in another forum that advocated exposure.
Hasn't done it since. All this came about while I was at work. She texted and dove right in at me. I was just worried about the statement about her state of mind and feeling dead inside. I was concerned it might be something a doctor should address. As far as the face time, when she does the kids complain that they have to slide notes under the door to her to get things. They said it was good the last two days racist she was out with them. That's all . I have been trying, and doing fairly well. No mention of us, the A, or the R until she began to text tonight. And your absolutely right, I should have told her I didn't have time to talk about it. I did that this morning when she started again. Is the dead inside and state of mind comment something I should be concerned about or is it script?

[gw5263]

Forgot to add, this mornings text went from one extreme to another- her talkimg more about last night then two seconds later asking me to stop at the store to get my daughter a bag of candy for school Friday and asking how my day was....I told her I couldn't talk right then because I was driving so she just said ok have a good sleep. See youwhen I get home.