CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.



SPECIAL!
SAVE $30 OFF A 3-SESSION, 6-SESSION OR 10-SESSION PACKAGE!
CALL 303-444-7004 OR ORDER ONLINE AND USE COUPON CODE SAVE$30 during checkout at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Page 3 of 11 < 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 11 >
Topic Options
#2765113 - 10/12/17 09:59 AM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: gw5263]
Holding Offline
Member

Registered: 06/09/17
Posts: 563
Loc: In-House Separation Hell
Standing up for yourself, being confident, not taking attitude from WW, setting boundaries with the WW and sticking to them.

(At least, that's what I've seen here. My STBXW is still on the way out the door.)

The thing is, you can't make her respect you. You can only get to a point where you respect yourself.
_________________________
Me-44,W-40
S10,S15
M:19
BD:4-23-17(ILYBINILWY)
W filed:7-17-17

Your future is out there. Go find it.

Top
#2765114 - 10/12/17 10:01 AM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: Holding]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 16325
Thanks, Holding!
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#2765127 - 10/12/17 12:08 PM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: gw5263]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 574
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
GW,

You question about getting respect from you wife is key. But what you need to do first is respect yourself. Nobody is going to respect a person that don't respect themselves.

The first thing you need to do is make a clear and concise statement about no condoning her affair. Don't argue, plead, or beg. You can say, use these exact words. "What you are doing with thus OM has ruined our marriage. I have made mistakes in this marriage as well, but if you continue your A with this OM, you are going to LOSE ME. This thing she need to hear is she is going to lose you. Don't say anything after turn and walk away. When you tell her this you need to be calm, confident and concise. Dont engage in discussion after your statement. Her last thoughts about you is she is going to lose you. This leaves her with thought of her not leaving you but you leaving her. Changes the dynamics.

Next you need to set boundaries. You want to gain some respect, set boundaries and let no person cross them not even your wife.

I made the mistake of setting a boundary that wasnt enforceable. We had a long discussion on this board about that boundary. The boundary I set was, I told my wife not to call the OM on our house phone. That boundary don't impact me. If she calls him on the house phone how does That hurt me, it doesnt. She hasn't call him on the house phone since, but it's still something that if I tried to enforce what would that consequence be. Turn off the house phone, well affects the whole family. My boys school call the home phone. So bad boundary.

Good boundaries are, if she yells at you. At the very moment set your boundary. You say, "I would really like if you don't yell at me, I rather you not yell at me, that way I can understand you." If she continues. Turn and walk away. No yelling back.

If she tells you to do something you don't want to do. Tell her you don't want to do it. If she percist, you turn and walk away.

Do you pay her cell phone, if so, tell her you dont want to pay it no more. And just stop paying it. If I remember correctly you dont pay it. So if you dont leave it alone.

A person only respects a person who demands respect for themselves
Demand respect. Leave her with she will lose you as a last thought. But you are going to have to be willing to act on that statement when the time comes.
_________________________
M:33 W:32
T:7 M:6
S13, S9, S6, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17


This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience

Top
#2765136 - 10/12/17 03:41 PM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: joejoe1]
gw5263 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/10/17
Posts: 146
Joe Joe,

boundaries are one of my struggles. She doesnt yell or argue, she pays her own phone, she calls him outside the house, and right about now she could care less about losing me... I think,. Aat least thats what she ssaid last night in not so many words. So from my vantage point i have very few options as far as boundaries
_________________________
M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances

Top
#2765141 - 10/12/17 04:29 PM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: gw5263]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 574
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
GW,

If she doesn't do those things even better. Go about your life. If you think she don't care about losing you. Then test that theory out. But, I will tell you this she ask you to come back because she couldnt handle it on her own. So that tells me, she knows something, is worth it about you. You hold value in her life. Ask yourself, what value do you hold in her life. Why does she stay around you or want you around? Start slowly taking what value she sees in you away. And put that back into yourself.

The boundaries are for you and not her. She might not yell now. But if you start to pull away and it makes her uncomfortable, you will get some mood changes.
_________________________
M:33 W:32
T:7 M:6
S13, S9, S6, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17


This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience

Top
#2765147 - 10/12/17 06:06 PM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: joejoe1]
gw5263 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/10/17
Posts: 146
something Sandi said a while back to me rang true tonight.
Sandi said that a WW has to feel a loss or two tohelp her along. It may be related to me or it may be unrelated to me at all, just a consequence of her actions.

Well, my wife is heavily involved in Girl Scouts. She was a member of the state board of service units until to0night. The main troop leader in our county called and asked if she were coming to an event tomorrow night. My wife said that she didnt get notified of it, but would be there. The troop leader asked if she had re registered with the state board as a unit leader, and my wife said no, she was not notified.

Long story short, she is no longer invovled with Girl Scouts because they didnt tell her about renewal. One of the leaders is was a friend of hers and knew we were separated and about the A. I believe that they thought she was a poor role model due to her actions, ( I agree) and did not want her involved. My wife suspects as much. She was extremely upset and cried outside about this. Before her A, she was a very big part in SScouting in this and three surrounding counties. She really enjoyed it and put a lot of time and effort into it. She has been involved since my daughter was 4 or 5, and never missed a meeting or camp out. This was a big loss for her. No idea if this has any signifigance, just illustrating one of Sandi's points made to me.

Of a side note, she has removed the lock screen photo of her and OM from her phone quietly.. Just an observation, not attaching any hope or signifigance to it.
_________________________
M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances

Top
#2765189 - 10/13/17 02:20 AM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: sandi2]
joejoe1 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/17
Posts: 574
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
Sandi,

GW, not trying to hijack your thread.

My wife has told me, the reason she cheated on me because she lost respect for me. She told me she would have never cheated on me, if she didn't lose respect.

She also told me she stills hold resentment in her heart towards me and everytime she thinks back on how I treated her it makes her angry.

What does this means?
_________________________
M:33 W:32
T:7 M:6
S13, S9, S6, S1
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17


This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience

Top
#2765193 - 10/13/17 02:37 AM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: gw5263]
Holding Offline
Member

Registered: 06/09/17
Posts: 563
Loc: In-House Separation Hell
GW, I've been in that place where I would notice things, and put them in the mental "maybe" column. Then I would tell myself I wasn't having any expectations. I definitely didn't WANT to have any expectations, but I secretly did.

Just be careful what you find yourself looking for and how it affects you. I know it's hard.
_________________________
Me-44,W-40
S10,S15
M:19
BD:4-23-17(ILYBINILWY)
W filed:7-17-17

Your future is out there. Go find it.

Top
#2765200 - 10/13/17 02:48 AM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: gw5263]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 16325
Quote:
believe that they thought she was a poor role model due to her actions, ( I agree) and did not want her involved. My wife suspects as much. She was extremely upset and cried outside about this. Before her A, she was a very big part in SScouting in this and three surrounding counties. She really enjoyed it and put a lot of time and effort into it. She has been involved since my daughter was 4 or 5, and never missed a meeting or camp out. This was a big loss for her. No idea if this has any signifigance, just illustrating one of Sandi's points made to me.


This is a very good illustration! B\c you had nothing to do with her losing her GS leader's position, and b\c she believes it is a direct result of her A. It may not be the final straw that will cause her to question if the A is worth the loss, but hopefully, it has made a significant impression.

Your job in this matter is to stay neutral. Don't try to score brownie points with her, and don't make comments supporting their decision. Don't try to add to her loss, but don't get in the way. She needs to feel the experience.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#2765215 - 10/13/17 04:01 AM Re: Any Advice 3 [Re: sandi2]
gw5263 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/10/17
Posts: 146
Sandi, all i said to her was "Thats unfortunate, i know how much that meant to you, and left it at that. I was surprised at how easy it flowed and stopped... The removal of the photo was just something i noticed the other day. It struck me as odd because she had told him she put it there so she could see his face when ever she got on the phone.
_________________________
M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances

Top
Page 3 of 11 < 1 2 3 4 5 ... 10 11 >


Moderator:  Cadet, sgctxok, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004