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LH19 #2765060 10/12/17 02:42 AM
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gw5263 Offline OP
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I have the entire financial burden on me. I have to solve all these problems and face all the lawsuits and figure out the bankruptcy. I pay all the bills. I do it all.... Everything is on me and it is affecting everything, work, health, all of it. And she gets pissed because she gets tagged in a few pictures from a day trip? I know it was because she was afraid OM might see it and get the wrong idea. Bull crap.

Joe Joe i left but came back because she couldnt afford to pay annything, hence the current financial sitch. shes going on about divorce but i have to fix the financials first. I need a place to live when she runs offf. She is not helping with the bankruptcy or any thing else. Just talking to him and having a good time. I need to detach ig time and GAL huge. She needs to see what its gonna be like if it comes to D. Im not helping her with anything financical any more, shes on her own. Lets see how far $ 800 a month takes her in fantasy land, especially sincce OM's retirement has to be split three ways with three exes.......


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2765064 10/12/17 03:00 AM
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GW,

Are you practicing self care? Eating right, exercising and meditation?

Again, in your last post you are focusing on her.

Detach and take the focus completely off her and she will notice.

Read my quote below by Rocky Balboa. That will be you!

gw5263 #2765065 10/12/17 03:00 AM
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Originally Posted By: gw5263
Lets see how far $ 800 a month takes her in fantasy land, especially sincce OM's retirement has to be split three ways with three exes.......


Wow, 3 exes. What a catch!


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
gw5263 #2765068 10/12/17 03:10 AM
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GW,

Great, don't help anymore financially. Your job is to take of yourself, your home and your kids. She is on her own now. It's her journey to take. You have to take yours. Fine time for yourself. You will need it. You are dealing with a lot. If you were in Texas, I would try to meet up with you. Holding and I met up a few weekends ago it was a great conversation.

Try to figure out ways to get your WW out of your head. The will help with detaching. The less you think about her, the easier it will be to distance yourself.

You will no longer be an option to her. And less be honest, if this guy is who you say he is. Why not push them closer, so she can depend on him more? You need to read up on detaching with love, it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It easy to walk away from a person, but doing it with love and not being mean, is difficult especially to someone you felt has betrayed you. But it has helped make my home and easier place to live in.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
gw5263 #2765069 10/12/17 03:37 AM
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Quote:
She said she did it because people might talk and ask her about us. I know she did it because she didnt want OM to see it and get the wrong idea.


Exactly, so why did you ask her why she untagged herself? You knew why, and yet you were giving opportunity for a fight.

Quote:
The reason i went on the daytrip is the kids wanted it. They wanted to have a day all together.


That's the problem with in-house S. She gets the benefits of being M to you, and continue her affair. And with holidays coming, it will get worse. She'll want to spend a lot of money at Christmas, b\c "it may be the last one as a family"...... (That excuse is used a lot). So, I'm just saying that you need to get your head together and have a plan going forward, instead of flying by the seat of your pants and reacting from your emotional state.

Quote:
Her saying her heart was closed and would not open to working on us said a lot to me. If she has no intentions of ever working on the M where does that leave me?


Where did it leave you when she cheated?

Quote:
Should I add NC except for the kids and finances ?


You just had a day trip b\c the kids wanted everyone to be together, so how are you going to live in the same house with NC? Personally, I think NC living under the same roof would affect the kids emotionally as much as physical separation. Even small children know when mommy and daddy are mad and not speaking. That may be why your kids pushed for the family day trip. You have some very tough decisions to make, and you need to keep it real.

Quote:

She got pissed when i told her that OM's retirement was already gonna be split between three exes, which left nothing for her. And it made her mad when i told her he probably had a woman or two on the side. Her actions and words last night made me feel like dirt, like im not worth even trying for. So she achived her goal last night. I felt totally lost last night...


That type of going for the jugular fighting must stop! Her heart nor respect will ever be open if you continue this fashion of blood letting. Every time my H took a verbal shot at OM, I immediately defended OM in my heart. My H was mad and very unattractive when he was sounding off about OM. Sure, he was "right", but I was not in a logical frame of mind to listen to him being " right"! Neither is your WW. You cannot talk her into being right.

Quote:
To answer your other question, what do I intend to do if she has no intentions of working on us? right now ifeel like filing for D and let her see how that is going to pan out for her.


You cannot operate from your emotions. Please hear me. Your WW is acting from her emotions, so you cannot afford to do the same thing. From what you said above, it sounds like more of your punitive style (just like your fighting), instead of you coming to a calm, well thought out decision as to what would be best.

I can't remember if it was your thread or someone else that I suggested using the interaction with a store checkout clerk as an example of how to interact with your WW for the time being.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2765085 10/12/17 06:39 AM
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Once again you are entirely spot on Sandi. I went two good weeks without a word about the R,M,OM or us. It just really chapped my butt that she was so afraidd for anyone to know we all went on a trip together. Almost like she was embarrased of us. I get what you are saying. I dont get all the contradictions with her, but I guess im not supposed to. I dont know what i did so wrong that she'd shut her heart out. She has two given two vastly different reasons why -thie first time it was because of things sh says i did during the Sep, like threatening to turn OM in and reading her texts. Now this time its because she doesnt want to go backwards and live the same life, and she has emotionally disconnected and doesnt want to try to reconnect no matter what. Each time we have talked it has been a different story. Guess that comes with the turf. maybe It is all rooted in her A, but you are right. I need to not focus on her and detach. The divorce thought popped up because i was mad. I do need to not work off emotion. Its a hard process for me tho. It took all i had in the two weeks i didnt bring anything up not to. It just all seems so ridiculous to me. My emotions get to me because i let them . i need to find a way to supress them and do what needs to be done. I wish i had someone i could just sit and talk to about this whole thing face to face or on the phone. I have a hard time expressing myself any other way.


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2765086 10/12/17 07:17 AM
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GW,

Please don't suppress your emotions. You need to find a healthy way to release them. You have to understand your emotional and find ways to have controls to help you correctly deal with them.

I take deep breaths. Yell and cry in my car. Go for long walks, but I always walk in my house in a good mood most of the time. I never go in my house angry. I sit in the car a extra few minutes if I have to and shake out any anxiety.

I'm alot better at doing that now. I'm working on not letting my wife mood affects mines. I have been getting better at that as well. I have start to separate my emotions from hers.

You need to do the same. The reason your wife gave you for being with the OM is bogus. Believe not of what they say and half of what they do.

You are fully attached. Detachment doesnt happen in a day, a week, a month. It's over time. You will make mistakes. Don't talk to her about the M or R at all. If she comes to you, validate, keep your comments short and to the point. I have to work on that short and to the point aspect. But I don't initiate any convos about the M or R. Once start it becomes easier not too.

Your wife will notice these changes. Stop chaser her, it's fir your own sanity.

I think you have enough fuel to probably use TXHubby Technique.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
gw5263 #2765101 10/12/17 08:49 AM
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The mindset she currently has is so far from what most logical minded men "think" it is, that it's staggering. Just for a small example, the WW in an A may stop undressing in front of her H. She may not let him see her naked in the shower. It's b\c in her mind...she's being "faithful" to the OM. On the other hand, when she thinks she may be losing control over her H's emotional attachment to the relationship, she's just as likely to tempt test him by parading around provocatively dressed....or wearing nothing at all.

I have never, as of yet, seen a WW tell her H, "Here's what it will take to repair the damage in our MR. If you fix these areas, then we can save the M. If he asks for reasons why she isn't happy in the M, or whatever, she'll usually give an insignificant reason, , or too general, or a laundry list of complaints that may sound somewhat reasonable to some H's......but she is not telling him the real source of the problem. Therefore, he is completely distracted by her so-called excuses, and he tries to correct those issues without success. A small example..... she may tell him he didn't help her enough with the housework. So, the H dives into housework, but it doesn't solve the problem. He gets distracted by the hands-on type of things she complains about, when her problem is within her wayward mindset. Before he can expect to have a good MR, he will have to approach her from the real issues. The real issues are resentment, disrespect, and rebellion.

If my H had asked me, I would have said, " How much time do you have?". I would have started from the beginning of our M and griped all the way through to the BD date. But to summarize, I still would not be saying the words plain enough for him to get it. I had tried for years to tell him, and he never "got it" b\c I talked around the issue instead of plainly telling him.

For the WW, it usually starts with unfulfilled expectations, and leads to resentments about her H. If those resentments are not resolved or desolved....she keeps them in her heart. Eventually, those resentments will cause her to feel disrespect for her H. Her respect for him is tied to her feelings of loving desire & attraction for him as a man and as her H. In many cases, the sexual intimacy begins to slack off and eventually becomes nonexsistant. Not all cases, but many. In time, they are just going through the motions of M life, raising a family, working, trying to cope with the stressors in life, etc, However, her emotional needs are still going unmet and if she cannot find a healthy way to deal with it, she is left vulnerable to an A. I don't mean to imply that she is stupid and is snatched away unwillingly by some other man. Neither am I implying that she plans or intentionally goes into an A thinking it is a way to really hurt her H. (Perhaps an exception would be a revenge A). Yes, she "knows" it will hurt him, if he finds out....but at the point she enters into an A, she has developed the wayward mentallity to the level her selfishness takes over and she justifies smaller actions up to greater offenses. Although she "knows" it is wrong, her once higher standards take a back seat to the demands of her illogical, immoral, uncharacteristic emotions that are taking full charge.

You have to realize the WW has, often, carried around that resentment and disrespect for quiet a while....or maybe many years. It finally turns to rebellion in some fashion. Here on the board, we mostly see rebellion acted out in GGW behavior or in having affairs, or both. Waywardness begins in the heart of the mind that negatively grows and produces some type of overt wayward action. Some may be more subtle, and some are more brazen.

Back to her complaints, I have not seen many WW's who would tell the H, "Look, I have resented you handled things as a man....or didn't handle it like a man should (in her opinion). I no longer respect you as a man.....and certainly not as my H". Let me note here that many women will tell the H she is no longer attracted to him. It really hurts him, understandably.
However, her lack of attraction began with the emotional or mental summary in which she saw him.....if that makes sense. He may, or may not, have lost his physical good looks. He could look great, but her mental attraction toward him has succumb to her wayward mindset. A woman who feels bitterness and disrespect toward a man is usually not going to want to eat him up with kisses. Not unless she is very high drive, and if that be the case, then the WW is " using him" in the bedroom for her own sexual needs, and not based on feeling and sharing love for him .

I hope I didn't repeat myself too much in this post. Maybe it will help someone.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2765109 10/12/17 09:39 AM
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Hey Sandi, I just want to say thanks for everything you do for us poor LBS's. Your insight is invaluable.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
Holding #2765110 10/12/17 09:49 AM
Joined: Sep 2017
Posts: 192
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gw5263 Offline OP
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Question that has probably been answered a million times? How does the LBH get the respect back?


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
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