In need of some help..... We went out today as a family on a day trip. S13 took some photos and tagged all of us in them. One of WW friends saw the tagg and posted "HMMMMMM". WW right away untagged herself from all the photos. I asked her why, and she said that people would get the wrong idea. I went out side and lit a fire, and began to relax and think. WW asked me to come in, and asked what was wrong, and long story short, we had a long talk about the state of things. She said she had no interest in working on us, not because of OM, but because her heart was closed to me. Said even if there was no OM she would not work on us because it would be going backwards.
I asked if she was comfortable letting everything go without trying, and she said yes, she had no intention of trying. So i asked how she knew if she wouldnt try. She said she just had no inteest. I broke the convoersation off and was headed out the door to the fire, and boom..... backslide. I asked how she could know if it would work or fail if she never tried, she said she didnt love me and didnt want to try. I shot back that we didnt love each other when we first met, but we worked on it and tried. Said same applies here, you dont feel that way now, but if we worked on it and tried tyou may feel different. She said no, and i replied that she would never know unless she tried. That her heart might just open up, and if it didnt, she had nothing to lose from trying. Again she said no,her, her heart was closed to it. Major Setback moment for me. I fell like total crap for allowing myself toget sucked in. I have worked hard for the past to weeks to 180 on R, M, OM, and US talk. To just throw all that work away and possibly cause even more damage is extremely disheartening.....
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
Don't beat yourself up GW it happens to all of us no matter how much progress we think we're making we're only human. Please keep going as best you can
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
I am reading all the posts on here cand clipping comments that are relevant to me and my jacked up mind and sitch by the likes of 25, LH19, and of course Sandi. I am pasting them all on a page for a quick reference. Something of a crib sheet to go back and review before i say or do anything ignorant, like i have been so guilty of. I try to listen, honestly, but my head wont quit spinning. A thousand mile an hour thoughts whirling around in there. One sticks to the wall and i tend to run with it. Gotta stop. I know what i need to be doing and im gonna try like hell to get on the path again. My 180's were working out well until i fell of the cliff tonight. Now given this new info, i guess i am gonna have to go gangbusters on the GAL activites and Detachment.
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
This is an example of how she benefits from having family time, and continue her affair. If that is what you want, that is your choice, but I am just pointing it out, and more will come during the next two and a half months.
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WW right away untagged herself from all the photos. I asked her why,
This is where you made your first mistake. It is an invitation for her to say something you don't like. Did it come after the friend's response of "Hummmm"?
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She said she had no interest in working on us, not because of OM, but because her heart was closed to me. Said even if there was no OM she would not work on us because it would be going backwards.
This is a very blunt statement from her. Your second mistake was how you continued to press her.....trying to change her mind.......which is the same as trying to manage her. She is rebelling to you managing her life.
So now what? She has given you her answer that she has no intentions of ever working on the MR.
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I have worked hard for the past to weeks to 180 on R, M, OM, and US talk. To just throw all that work away and possibly cause even more damage is extremely disheartening.....
Your mind is spinning b\c you are in panic mode. You are about to fall apart b\c you feel two weeks of hard work went down the drain. So, take a deep breath and try to think outside the box you've always used to process the same old ways that continue to fail in this situation.
How about adding a new 180? No more managing your WW. If you decide you are going to stay in the house with her, you must let go of her. Stop trying to persuade her to think differently. Stop asking why she did this or that. Stop taking everything she does so personal, b\c she can see how it affects you. And, stop having those talks where you try to change her mind again. Words don't work. Actions work. If she has no intentions of ever trying....and she plans to continue basking in the benefits of family life....what action will you take?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What would your recommended actions be besides the things you mentioned about him not trying to manage his W? In my own sitch, I stopped managing my W. But ended watching her continuously decline in her behavior. To the point at I even experienced physical violence.
She untagged herself right after the friend sent the post that said HMMMMMMMM. She said she did it because people might talk and ask her about us. I know she did it because she didnt want OM to see it and get the wrong idea. The reason i went on the daytrip is the kids wanted it. They wanted to have a day all together. Her saying her heart was closed and would not open to working on us said a lot to me. If she has no intentions of ever working on the M where does that leave me? It leaves me looking at the final option. Or to begin DB the correct way this time, and really detach and GAL. Should I add NC except for the kids and finances ?
Im not leaving the house again, but i will be scarce here. I hae a ton of legal work regarding a bankruptcy i have twenty days to file in order to save my home. That should occupy my time outside the home. I have to do this because when this all began and she forced separation on me she stopped paying bills because it took time from facetiming OM. To answer your other question, what do I intend to do if she has no intentions of working on us? right now ifeel like filing for D and let her see how that is going to pan out for her. She got pissed when i told her that OM's retirement was already gonna be split between three exes, which left nothing for her. And it made her mad when i told her he probably had a woman or two on the side. Her actions and words last night made me feel like dirt, like im not worth even trying for. So she achived her goal last night. I felt totally lost last night...
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
It's ok the feel the way you are feeling. Your wife has put you thru alot.
Can I ask some questions? Did you leave or did she leave during the separation? Is she not trying to help you with the Bankruptcy situation that she caused?
IMHO she is showing you a lot of disrespect. She probably feels like you will take whatever she dishes out. She has not had to face reality at all yet. It might be time for you to have that hard talk with yourself, about giving your wife a real dose of reality. She is really in Fantasy land. You are picking up all the pieces she has produced. You have to show her that you as an option is not a definite. How do you do that? How can you make her feel that her safety net is no longer going to be there? The person that is actually taken care of her is heading towards to exit. What can you do?
Has divorce become an option for you? I'm not saying get the D papers, but do you think you will be ok if you had to go that direction?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
You have to stop trying to use logic and reasoning with your wife in trying to influence her decisions. Everything she is doing right now are based on her emotions.
You have to let her go right now. Work on becoming the man you want to be in the future. Get your finances in order so you are prepared for the future.
You will overcome this and be just fine in the future. I promise you.
Well, you sure are in a tough situation. I would just have a couple of questions for you, from a bit more legal perspective-
1 - you are declaring bankruptcy to save your house, right? And your WW forced you into this situation. What is your motivation for trying to save the house? If you WW left for OM tomorrow and you knew you would never see her again, would you still go through with the bankruptcy to save the house? Basically, what I am asking is whether you have thought through your motivation. The universal instinct of every single BH I have dealt with to sell their souls and their bank accounts out of desperation to try to control the outcome and put things back they way they were. From this forum and the other, it sure looks like this is what you are doing. Not just the bankruptcy, but by letting your WW stick around, by not pushing separation or divorce, by continuing to provide for her in any way for nothing in return. I can tell you one thing for sure, I have never, ever had a BH who got through divorce regret his divorce a year later. But, every single one in hindsight wished a-they had done it sooner, and b-that they hadnt given anything away in the divorce.
2 - Do you think that your WW will end this behavior? You seem hyper focused on the fact that you cant understand how your WW will remain satisfied in her affair. Sorry to tell you, I have had many a BH come in after living in your situation for DECADES, and not a single one of them was the petitioner. Their WW's went from OM to OM, getting more and more brazen and disrespectful to their BHs, until they finally found someone they could actually latch onto, or in most cases, just realized from their divorced friends that they had put in their time and are now entitled to child support, lifetime alimony and half of everything on top. I think you need to accept that your WW may never stop or leave, because she is getting what she needs from you, and getting what she wants from OM. The only guarantee I can give you is that this behavior and disrespect will only get worse if you continue to put up with it.
As I mentioned I saw you have posted on multiple forums and seems like you are spinning your wheels between different approaches and fretting about how you should act this way or that way. I really dont think your behavior matters at all so long as your WW is allowed to continue unimpeded. You are fretting about backsliding or the underlying meaning of your WW's crazy actions. None of that matters at all because your WW will continue to do, and justify, whatever she wants to do no matter what until she cant. The only thing you can control is whether you are standing there watching (and really supporting) her continue to live her fantasy or turning your back and letting her try to live the reality she is creating.
