I understand your views on the matter. I agree with Ginger too, but I also hope my next partner is someone who can look for the kids if need to go to etc see a doc instead of having to rely on my XW.
So I spend the morning being responsible for my D's practise (with one mom) and it was fun! I don't know why I haven't done that previously. I am amazed how much more social I can be if I really want to. We laughed a lot.
Do I feel sad for my marriage? Yes, but I think I'm really approaching the point where I can see the bright future properly, and this feels different than previously. I spent some time reading statistics and other posts elsewhere in the Internet and it truly opened my mind to step into XWs shoes to analyze the marriage she had. I feel empathic for her that she had to do this.
D is here now and we are having super fun. I got her to open up a bit emotionally as she doesn't want to share any of her feelings or issues. She nodded after that it feels good to talk. She's been feeling down since S was born because mom and dad are more with S. Her mood really brightened when I said that it's a phase and told her that she is special to us. I mentioned too that she is a big sis, S is going to keep her as a role model which D really liked to hear. I really hope she can tell me about her feelings going on from here.
Have a good weekend everyone
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I admitted a strong reaction to your behavior because I wanted to step back to examine why.
(I'm referring to when your wife asked you on short notice, to take the kids so she could see a doctor.)
Were you at all interested in why I had that reaction? I think you actually that because I had a strong reaction, you would "refuse to discuss it" with me or anyone??
That's really puzzling to me. Maybe I misunderstood.
Okay so Yes I think you made a mistake there. Here is why:
Your wife will always be the mother of your children (and their only mother). Regardless of your marital status, or hers.
When a parent takes ill suddenly, and decides to seek help on a Friday night and ask for help (the "help" being to watch the kids) from the person they are divorcing, it's a big deal. She wasn't asking for you to fix something or lend her money for clothes.
I think she was concerned and maybe afraid. Ending up in the hospital "just for monitoring" is not a small thing. Your minimization of it is something for you to look at perhaps with your IC. It's rationalizing after the fact, like because it turns out that she's not deathly ill, you made a good choice. But I would not use the "ends justify the means' argument with this type of thing. Hence erring on the side of compassion and using this as a great chance to show her a 180. (Even if you have no hope at all, it's okay to step up to the plate. It's not just about getting her back, you know? Sometimes we don't get a payoff for a kind act. That's part of what makes it kind.)
When I was unexpectedly sick and the hospitalized a year ago, I was freaking terrified. My sisters totally supported me.
My h's failure to show up for me even after I asked, was the single biggest factor in my decision to file for divorce. He did not have my back when I really needed him. He is an MD and justified his absence by saying said he was "monitoring from afar" (and I can only assume he justified this further by the fact that I had siblings caring for me).
Yes I knew we were having problems. Still, his absence showed me something that was a deal breaker.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, I get why you feel so strongly towards this particular subject, considering your own history. But I think LC got the message.
DB'ing is damn difficult. We come here for advice and we get a lot of "go dark", "friendly neighbor" "his/her sandbox" "counter intuitive" "not my circus" "no pursuit" etc. You get the picture. This is confusing..
It is hard when you have been dumped like yesterdays newspaper to be friendly towards the XW. Particular when there is a third party involved. We probably on some level want to be friendly but on the other hand, we do not like to be taken advantage of. We are guys. We have something called dignity. We already lost enough didn't we? So it's a fine line we are walking here. And sometimes we slip up. I'm 100 percent sure every one here is there for their kids. And will do everything for them. But when it comes to the XW we might panic whenever there is a possibility to do a 180 or whatever. This appeared to be a thing for the XW, not for the kids. I know she is the mother of the children. But that's it... We got fired from the other job, you know.
My XW is currently "just" the mother of my kids. And if it's obvious that something I do for her will benefit the kids more than it does her, I do it. The other way around, not so sure.. Maybe I'm a jerk. Maybe if you go find OM before you leave (or even work sufficiently on) the marriage, you deserve that your XH is a jerk?
(just to clarify my stand on this, at some point when my XW for the umpteenth time asked me to take the kids on a friday night when she was going out, I told her to stop asking. UNLESS she had an emergency, or in her family, or if for some other reason, it was better for the kids to be with me than her).
But I still get why LC acted the way he did.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
I find it odd that people assume it would be a 180 for me. I've taken kids out several times when she's felt tired or ill, since the BD. Also in my marriage I obviously took kids if she had to go. I spent 2x half a year with my D pretty much alone while she was studying to the pre-exam to get into her uni (she met OM there last year). I loved her and supported her for 8 years so she could get into the university.
Just to counter this I asked how she is doing now and did she get hospitalized and it was a no. She visited again. So D was put to grandparents while XW probably used the situation to be with the fuckwad.
Now, please understand that she's not there for me to care for anymore. She trashed me and switched me to another man, who didn't want to ever have kids just a year ago. She does not care that my son who I tried so hard to get with her attaches to another man. This hurts so bad. Please stop talking about me not being there for her. I have accepted all the blame for the breakup and accepted that she wanted OM because I wasn't there for her/apparently didn't love her, and OM can make her happy like she said. But please do consider that you are exaggerating this. I misinterpreted her vague message and didn't want to put off my entire weekend full of GAL which was the best time I've had in ages. She has visited the doctor on short notice before too, so I would have loved for her to open up a bit more that it's more serious rather than what it has been before.
I am not really DBing to get her back. I am imagining my life with someone else. My situation is hopeless. They are going to marry. It's a fact. I am here to recover and to share one viewpoint/experience. I also like to read other sitches.
Thanks Btrow.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Also this board helps me to stay amicable which is the best for my kids. I doubt I would have been so nice and friendly if I couldn't vent or open up somewhere.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
My situation is hopeless. They are going to marry. It's a fact.
Hi LC,
My situation is hopeless - Your opinion
They are going to marry - Your opinion
Its a fact - Its not a fact, its your opinion.
You have no idea what is round the corner, but if you have this mind set you are literally preparing yourself for the worse.
Even the people that have achieved some sort of recon have all thought it was over at some point, but if you keep believing and looking to improve, you never know what is waiting for you.. whether you end up on your own, or with someone else, or even a new relationship with your W. You seem to want to shut that door pretty quickly considering your D isn't even final yet.
For me I can never get into the habit of thinking the worst even if my situation is as bad as it can be. IF we choose to fight for what’s right then our mindset needs to reflect a positive outcome or you’re demeanor will allow the negativity out!
I understand how hard it is when we see our WW carrying on with their destructive actions BUT if we are serious about wanting a positive outcome we have to put in the hard work! My WW is presently enjoying a 5-night break with her AP/LO somewhere in Europe, the positive here is that I have my kids throughout this time AND it just escalates their “getting to know each other” time.
Again the time is key for me but as much as that is the continued PMA for me to move forwards improving myself.
Look at it this way – at the beginning of their A for them everything was amazing with rainbows and unicorns whilst I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been, now through time I’m beginning to see a lighter picture. I believe through time their A will take a downward turn, it has to if it doesn’t then they truly are “soulmates”. So while they “come down” from their addiction I’m working towards making my life better, my life has to get better it can’t get any worse so this mindset makes me remain positive in a very difficult time.
Another thing the statistics for second MR’s being successful? NOT THAT GREAT. Just because you D doesn’t mean it’s over, keep positive show her that person IRRELEVENT of where it goes and work on being the better.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Not threadjacking but I really needed to read that today. Thanks Btrow, lcause, benni and parkema. Had a bad couple of days. Feeling good this morning.
It is very very disheartening to go through what we all have done and/or are doing.
How were we taught from right from wrong as a kid? We did well at school---> We got sweets, or a bit of money, or something similar. Its in our make up to want to see some sort of 'end result' from our actions. Even if we are fully aware we aren't going to get a result straight away - we are ok with that because at least we know that 'in the end everything will be ok'.
The difficulty we have is that the situation we are in needs an absolutely unbelievable amount of hope and internal strength because you aren't guaranteed a result. If you ever think "so what's the point then?" - then your journey to self improvement is not complete yet and you are still holding onto changing or coping or waiting for a recon subconsciously.
If you are looking at your W as the goal or normality, then its easy to think its over or it’s a lost cause (boom boom) because there is no pat on the back for our daily struggles emotional and physically.
I can only talk from my experience because I really do want to help. I know what its like - I could have killed myself 3/4 times over the last 6 months. But I am still here.
Not only am I here, but to give you an impression of the stage I am at I received this yesterday from her via text
"Aww (name), I love you, I seriously don’t know what I would do without you. This new you is an absolute dream come true for me. Thank you"
"Very Happy, Were happier now then we used to be. Sorry all this had to happen. But it has changed us for the better Xx"
I haven't wrote that because I am trying to show off, or I'm trying to make people feel worse, I am on here because I want people to know that fully detaching does (or at least can) work.
Even now we spend each weekend together, I have never text her first, ring her first or chased.
I sat in my house crying while I knew on facebook she was out, enjoying life without me. But then it dawned on me. I CANT CONTROL OR MANIPULATE anyone. People will come to you (as they did when they first met you) because they are interested in you. Remember back then?
I had drifted so far from that it was untrue. I was a wet rag.
When we did spend time together I didn’t put on a act.. But I did promise myself I wasn’t mentally looking for clues or similar when we were together or separate. I forced myself to enjoy every moment. I was happy to be alive. Happy to have a car. A playstation. My hobbies. Whatever it takes to focus your life onto some sort of self and internal appreciation I had to get there.
When I did, even though it broke my heart to see my life fall apart.. I still believed (not with her) that things would be ok. If I was positive enough for long enough and I didn’t let the bad times shake me - something, someway, somehow would be ok.
An hour visit turned into a day out… a day out turned into sleeping over.. And so on.
Never text to say "so sex was great last night and I love you etc.. When you coming home?" I left it. Started each day a fresh. Acted like it didn’t happen at all. That space gave her the time she needed without any pressure to go through her own experience and to make her own mind up without any pressure from me in any way shape or form.
That was 6th months. Everyday I woke up sad, but I stuck with the game plan and kept faith. I wanted it faster, but I didn’t push, didn’t look for clues. I planned my weeks in advance so that I had things to do, so if she didn’t text or call, it didn’t matter because I was busy.
Its such a hard road, it stinks, but fortune favours the brave and sometimes I look at this last 6 months as the worst but also the best thing to ever happen to me. Keep your chin up - life is NOT fair, but you know deep down if you are attractive to women or not. If you don’t feel attractive - look at the key points you think that women find attractive and implement that into your thinking until it becomes part of who you are. Anyone can change if they let go of the emotional mental story that plays in the mind when they are hurting and focus on the end goal.
You have no idea what is round the corner, but if you have this mind set you are literally preparing yourself for the worse.
Even the people that have achieved some sort of recon have all thought it was over at some point, but if you keep believing and looking to improve, you never know what is waiting for you.. whether you end up on your own, or with someone else, or even a new relationship with your W. You seem to want to shut that door pretty quickly considering your D isn't even final yet.
Well, I managed to destroy the small tiny ittybitty chance by telling her I'm better off. I was angry, hurt and stupid, but I can't change how I behaved so there's no reason to dwell on there but to accept the scenario and move on. This pushed her more towards OM, albeit I know they were seeing much more than what she told me.
Expect the worst, hope for the best. The D is final in two months from this day. I don't know how I should handle it, should I go sign the paper if she even asks me to or should I say something like "let this be the final apology and my trust that our marriage would have been savable, but I let you do what you feel is the right choice; I am not going to file it myself"? (I don't have to sign it since either one of us filing it the second time is enough - just like the first time). I think she just files it and asks me for half of the money.
Originally Posted By: Parkema
lcause,
Benito is right here.
For me I can never get into the habit of thinking the worst even if my situation is as bad as it can be. IF we choose to fight for what’s right then our mindset needs to reflect a positive outcome or you’re demeanor will allow the negativity out!
I understand how hard it is when we see our WW carrying on with their destructive actions BUT if we are serious about wanting a positive outcome we have to put in the hard work! My WW is presently enjoying a 5-night break with her AP/LO somewhere in Europe, the positive here is that I have my kids throughout this time AND it just escalates their “getting to know each other” time.
Again the time is key for me but as much as that is the continued PMA for me to move forwards improving myself.
Look at it this way – at the beginning of their A for them everything was amazing with rainbows and unicorns whilst I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been, now through time I’m beginning to see a lighter picture. I believe through time their A will take a downward turn, it has to if it doesn’t then they truly are “soulmates”. So while they “come down” from their addiction I’m working towards making my life better, my life has to get better it can’t get any worse so this mindset makes me remain positive in a very difficult time.
Another thing the statistics for second MR’s being successful? NOT THAT GREAT. Just because you D doesn’t mean it’s over, keep positive show her that person IRRELEVENT of where it goes and work on being the better.
M.
First off, thank you Mark for commenting my thread. I am truly sorry I offended you and I won't comment on your sitch anymore. I feel that you misinterpreted me though but I am here to blame because I worded it really badly.
My mindset just doesn't work that way. As long as I keep up hope, my changes are fake. I don't truly transform for myself but keep thinking what she would see as a pro in me. I need to truly move on and heal before I can get lasting changes for MYSELF.
I don't know why people are saying "there's always hope" "you will most likely get a chance to recon" for me, because they don't know my sitch at all. We are so young that we both can build our completely new lives from scratch. I don't really know if my XW had an affair or not (there were signs but who knows? I very much suspect it though), but it's not moving nearly as fast as your XW's Mark. They are still only seeing quite rarely, although XW spends most of the time talking with him in WhatsApp.
Originally Posted By: Benito
It is very very disheartening to go through what we all have done and/or are doing.
How were we taught from right from wrong as a kid? We did well at school---> We got sweets, or a bit of money, or something similar. Its in our make up to want to see some sort of 'end result' from our actions. Even if we are fully aware we aren't going to get a result straight away - we are ok with that because at least we know that 'in the end everything will be ok'.
The difficulty we have is that the situation we are in needs an absolutely unbelievable amount of hope and internal strength because you aren't guaranteed a result. If you ever think "so what's the point then?" - then your journey to self improvement is not complete yet and you are still holding onto changing or coping or waiting for a recon subconsciously.
If you are looking at your W as the goal or normality, then its easy to think its over or it’s a lost cause (boom boom) because there is no pat on the back for our daily struggles emotional and physically.
I can only talk from my experience because I really do want to help. I know what its like - I could have killed myself 3/4 times over the last 6 months. But I am still here.
Not only am I here, but to give you an impression of the stage I am at I received this yesterday from her via text
"Aww (name), I love you, I seriously don’t know what I would do without you. This new you is an absolute dream come true for me. Thank you"
"Very Happy, Were happier now then we used to be. Sorry all this had to happen. But it has changed us for the better Xx"
I haven't wrote that because I am trying to show off, or I'm trying to make people feel worse, I am on here because I want people to know that fully detaching does (or at least can) work.
Even now we spend each weekend together, I have never text her first, ring her first or chased.
I sat in my house crying while I knew on facebook she was out, enjoying life without me. But then it dawned on me. I CANT CONTROL OR MANIPULATE anyone. People will come to you (as they did when they first met you) because they are interested in you. Remember back then?
I had drifted so far from that it was untrue. I was a wet rag.
When we did spend time together I didn’t put on a act.. But I did promise myself I wasn’t mentally looking for clues or similar when we were together or separate. I forced myself to enjoy every moment. I was happy to be alive. Happy to have a car. A playstation. My hobbies. Whatever it takes to focus your life onto some sort of self and internal appreciation I had to get there.
When I did, even though it broke my heart to see my life fall apart.. I still believed (not with her) that things would be ok. If I was positive enough for long enough and I didn’t let the bad times shake me - something, someway, somehow would be ok.
An hour visit turned into a day out… a day out turned into sleeping over.. And so on.
Never text to say "so sex was great last night and I love you etc.. When you coming home?" I left it. Started each day a fresh. Acted like it didn’t happen at all. That space gave her the time she needed without any pressure to go through her own experience and to make her own mind up without any pressure from me in any way shape or form.
That was 6th months. Everyday I woke up sad, but I stuck with the game plan and kept faith. I wanted it faster, but I didn’t push, didn’t look for clues. I planned my weeks in advance so that I had things to do, so if she didn’t text or call, it didn’t matter because I was busy.
Its such a hard road, it stinks, but fortune favours the brave and sometimes I look at this last 6 months as the worst but also the best thing to ever happen to me. Keep your chin up - life is NOT fair, but you know deep down if you are attractive to women or not. If you don’t feel attractive - look at the key points you think that women find attractive and implement that into your thinking until it becomes part of who you are. Anyone can change if they let go of the emotional mental story that plays in the mind when they are hurting and focus on the end goal.
I understand the point. I'm very happy for you B. It's really heartwarming that some of us really get the chance to make our marriages much better the second time around. Your sitch gladly took the turn due to your changes and her willingness to see them. Thank god there was no third party involved either. I think I would probably have had a chance if the timing was different and she wouldn't have lined a replacement before leaving me. I sometimes wonder if she was there with me just until a better man showed up.
I get your point and I'm agreeing with you here. My mindset just continuously seeks for either points that proves I'm a good man or points that fall in "revenge". This is why I need to force myself out of the hope aspect to truly understand I'm alone here and I only transform for MYSELF, not because of anyone else. I don't have any clue whatsoever why people keep saying I would have hope (because I truly DO know her and I truly DO know how she thinks right now), but it's just too easy to trust on that and just keep waiting. I know I want to hear it... but then again I don't.
It truly is disheartening, especially since I lose most of the kids' lives. Time will heal me and maybe I can enjoy family life with someone else in the future. I think - I really think - I want more children.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
