Howdy do! My children returned from their dad's today. Ive been bombarded by texts!
Son told their dad not to stress me out since cancer feeds on stress. My son is concerned for my health because all my sons see is the look on my face every time their father texts.
XH: "You said you were fine. Either you're lying to the boys or to us. If you're not fine then the boys should live with us. I am concerned for the boys since they are regressing and not doing well in school. WE need your support. You refuse to respond to texts and calls so it's obvious you don't want to parent or coparent with us."
I haven't responded.
UGH!!!!!! My children don't want to live with them. I am really fine and the boys regress when he continues to attack me as a mother and as a person. Then when they don't see him - they get better all around.
I told my son that I'm ok but he really needs to understand that though he tried to help me, his father is using it against me again.
I am fully capable to parent and tend to my children and their needs - emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
My children are trying to cope. My poor babies are overwhelmed. My high schooler said he's going to go to his school counselor because he wants the counselor not to be intimidated by my XH and for her to know what's going on.
I am seeking another counselor for my other sons.
When will XH let up. If it's not school, it's behavior, or finances, or health, or something. Why does he hate me so much? Who is he?
Should I respond to his texts that he accuses me of not coparenting or responding to his texts?
Hi Vge, I'm sorry he continues to send those kinds of messages. What I would encourage you to do is think about the impact you allow him to have on your life. You continue to be affected by the messages he sends and your kids see that. Actually, that needn't be the case and if you so choose, his messages can be like water off a ducks back and you can respond briefly and pleasantly back.
So, I guess I'm saying - don't look for him to change - change yourself. Have a look at the drama triangle as your posts tend to read that he is an aggressor and you are a victim. You can change that dynamic if that's what you choose to do.
As for his complaints about non-responses, I would go for brief and pleasant, if a reply is needed...
Take care and I do hope things improve for you
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sotto is correct. Your xh isn't going to change and he's going to continue to bully you until you wave the white flag and tell him to take the kids, etc. You have the power to change the dynamics of communication w/your xh. Your drama continues because you feed his ego w/replying to his texts, etc. and constantly explaining things to him. I would send him a very short, but to the point note and say "xh, I am holding my own." and Leave it at that.
In the future, I wouldn't have any more written communications w/him unless it was an emergency. I would only communicate w/him via the phone or in person. There is too much going on w/the drama in your situation and the when you are responding to his written comments, etc., you don't know if he's going to use that info for his benefit. In my opinion, he's a coward for hiding behind a pen and a computer.
You do have a choice in all of this...keep up the drama triangle or step off the crazy train and stop giving him enough ammunition to attack you each and every time you have any type of communication.
I pray that things improve...but you've got to keep your responses short and sweet and to the point.
Also - always think about how your texts would look in a custody court case.
I'd reply something like "I am doing well on my current treatment. The kids are doing fine with me. They just feel protective of me which is understandable."
And I disagree with Job here - respond promptly and in writing so there is a record and he can't claim you aren't responding. Even if it's just a short "No, I'm doing well" text.
Hi vge! So glad you are doing well! Although I'm not around here often, my thoughts sometimes drift to you and I wonder how you are.
I just want to say that one of the best gifts I gave myself was not responding. I found as things changed, I would make a proclamation, of sorts, and go as dark as the night. It took me some time to get used to not responding. And it would push xh into an agitated state, but it helped me in many ways. For example, it helped me take control of myself and my emotions and i no longer freaked out when i heard from him bc i was in control of me. More importantly, i stopped feeding his narcissistic ego, which changed the dynamic completely. I realized his concerns and questions really were meaningless and didn't require an answer. Even by law.
Just please think carefully about what you really even need to say to him and if it actually even requires a response. A huge part of this is him thinking he is better, superior, and has the upper hand. Give that nonsense the attention it deserves- none. You may find a shift in things, including yourself. My apologies if people disagree or if im stepping out of line, especially since im not up to date. All my best, vge...
Thank you my friends. I'm sometimes fall for the texts. My last link was back and forth regarding tons of school info questions. I really wanted to say - lay off. I got this. I'll fill you in. But it just kept coming.
I told my lawyer and my boys counselor that I feel so bad that I don't respond to try to defend myself. He continues to tell me that I am not trying to coparent with them, so he sounds logical?
Both lawyer and counselor said that it would do no good to try to convince him that he's wrong.
The lies, the promises to the boys that have gone unfulfilled, accusations, presumptions. His barrage of texts. He projects so much onto me.His refusal to meet with me alone since He opted out.
So as many of you and many websites suggest - DISENGAGE!, Stick to the facts!
Sunday night, we had dinner with my former SIL and she's not liking what he's doing and their relationship is strained. HE blocked her on FB and doesn't talk to her. My SIL said not to respond to his texts either. She's noticed that he's a very angry person and isn't the person we all knew.
For now, I'll try not to respond unless absolutely necessary.
He text today to let me know that he'll be sending the entire amt of child support. He also wants to go back to the agreed Friday night (2 hr) visit. Since his wife and I agreed it helps changing it to fridays instead of Thursday b/c it disrupts their hmwk time.
I didn't respond.
So I don't know. As mentioned. no response or brief response - which is best with this narcissist.? Praying for wisdom and favor.
Thanks for your precious time and wisdom. Y'all are AMAZING!!! Prayers are being lifted for all of you! y'all are REAL BLESSINGS!!
