Gordie: MLC w and I are working on our d #11

[job]

Cali,

Very well said. I couldn't have said it any better.

[OwnIt]

Don't want to hijack, but I think it may depend on the individual. I have absolutely, 100% seen first-hand the shame in mine, and repeatedly. This does not come out in words (such as I feel so much shame), but in actions and certain avoidance patterns. If anyone wants to discuss this further, I'd be happy to entertain the discussion on my thread.

[bttrfly]

My God Yes on the STD check! I'd thought of it when first reading your update but then got so irritated with the nonsense she's spewing that I completely forgot to mention that! Thank you Andrew and Sotto! YES. Not a pleasant trip to the Dr, but a necessary one, sadly.

Actually, am I a bad person for making the first call to the doctor rather than a lawyer? Who needs MLC cooties? NOT US!

xoxoxo sending you much love and strength Gordie, for you and your family. Hang in there buddy!

[Gordie]

Ginger: i am surprised he wants to meet you.

G: I have no idea if om2 wants to meet me.

Ginger: I did not meet my ex's A partner until they were married. And it was because I had to. I am sure she was happy about that. Any person with an ounce of a soul wouldn't want to face the reality of what they had done. I bet it was harder for her to find out I was a good woman a loving mother and not psycho. That whatever my ex must have told her about me wasn't true. She had to face what she had done when she met me.

G: that makes a lot more sense to me. No idea how many OMs will come and go in this story, so no need to involve myself in her circus.

Ginger: She lives in some crazy fantasy world where she thinks her actions have no consequences and she thinks everything is going to go the way she wants.

G: you’ve got that right.

Ginger: I am sorry you are having to deal with this. She's such a fool.

G: thank you. I think I’m done blaming myself for this now.

[Gordie]

25: um, wtf? My h wanted the kids to meet OW and when they balked, he was angry with them. I did not know of her at the time.

G: good for your kids and good for you.

25: They have not seen him in over a year now, and there is no contact since sometime last winter, when they were not enthusiastic about having her shoved down their throats.

He posted on Fb about her being the "love of his life" and then about "introducing her to the family", which of course meant meeting his dad and brother. Our kids were not there.

G: estrangement from the children makes me sad, but think your kids are older so can make their own choice.

25: Yes he has a new fan base on the tundra, and lots of "attaboys!" on fb. None of them know me. It is this public behavior above all others, that strikes me as cruel and or, utterly oblivious of others feelings.

G: yeah, Team MLC seems like it has a lot of members. Supporters and enablers who shamelessly support the behavior.

25: i no longer care which. Your responses are fine, but your wife is acting insane. It's official. Maybe you can suggest a CAT scan to rule out a brain tumor, and absent one, inform her that you cannot be part of the narcissistic behavior pattern.

G: I have made no declarations and maybe never will. I’m just removing myself from her life. I wrote myself a note on my way home: only discuss kids, finances or d settlement.

25: if she is never haunted by the deep pain she is inflicting on the people who loved her the most, she has no empathy. And she makes a lousy partner. And if she is haunted by it, but does nothing to rebuild something, then she makes a lousy partner.

G. You are right. J Russ said on his thread he finally acknowledged after many months of d that yes, his w was a very bad w and that he deserves better.

25: I'm very very sorry for what you're enduring.

G: thank you for helping me through this and that I am not going crazy and that I am not the only one to face this. Never in a million years would I have thought...

[Gordie]

My T said I need to learn to express anger

but I had an alcoholic father who was - actually abusive when he was angry. And my mom had 9 kids so she was often overwhelmed.

I did not see healthy ways to express anger. But yes, I am angry.

I worry that anger will mean I'm bitter or a b1tch, instead of a betrayed person who is justifiably mad as he11. And HEALING in a healthy way!

OTOH, we cannot lose our sh1t or harm our legal interests by blowing up.

I attend a Divorcecare support group I've found immensely helpful (it's national, btw.)

we socialize after the meetings and they "get it".

One of them said to "use your anger as a call to action"

which will help you in the divorce and custody. And btw, even if your wife SAYS she wants half/full insane custody, don't assume she'll use it.

((( )))

My father was the same way so whenever that angry feeling comes my natural reaction is to suppress it. I promised myself I would never strike my w or children and I never have. But...as you said and my C said, suppressing this level of anger isn’t good for me either. Find those healthy outlets like getting a great d settlement!

[roist]

Yes, stay away from that circus.

I am in no way defending OM, but it is likely she told him that them was over just awaiting D, which she promptly followed through on. View how she mentioned it to you, I am also sure she assured him you were cook with the situation. That's just speculation on my part, but still probable.

In the end it doesn't really matter. You rightly don't want anything to do with him and ideally with her either.

Have ye told your kids yet? When talking with them, please refrain from being critical or judgemental of her. State you don't agree with her behavior but without criticising. I am part of the group that believe you should not accept joint ownership for the decision.

From this moment on, with the exception of here, never state you want to rebuild a R with W or that you are standing. You don't even have to decide if you are standing or not. Put your focus on surviving, living and eventually thriving.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

B: Wow.
No words.
Delusional is an understatement.
You were much better about it than I would have been. Much, much better.

G: not sure I did better, sometimes I wish I would rage but that’s just not me.

B: Yeah, I know the run over repeatedly feeling. I'm sorry you're here. Want some good news? There is a beautiful, peaceful life waiting for you and your children. You just have to go through this crap first. Make absolutely sure you are able to comfortably support yourself post D and live a reasonable lifestyle. DO NOT put yourself in the position of giving this woman a red cent more than necessary. I'm having visions of loser deadbeats living on her alimony with her while you sleep on your parents' couch. PLEASE do not put yourself in that kind of a position. Ask your lawyer if you can use her need for haste as leverage to get a better deal for yourself and your kids.

G: n f w. I want fair. She will be comfortable. Kids will be comfortable. I will be comfortable. Less for everyone which she somehow doesn’t understand.

B: Obviously she's been drinking the MLC kool-aid and thinks everyone is going to hold hands and sing Kumbaya in her new world.

G: yes and time for me to leave her to that. I need to get busy living my own life.

[Gordie]

Gordie - brother

Words cannot express how you must be feeling. I've walked on a similar path to yours but also different so I have a bit of an understanding of what you are going through right now emotionally.

This is going to sound a bit blunt and is perhaps the last thing you want to hear right now but I think that it's important.

Please go and get tested for STDs. You can't trust anything.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm actually getting a bit of a flashback on my own reading the latest updates and for me this was more than a year and a half ago.

Take care of yourself first and then your wee ones.

((Gordie)) - hug meant in a manly / brotherly way

STD check? Yeah...guess you are right. Ugh...this is just depressing.

Thanks for walking with me down this path. Bro hug!

[SBJ]

Gord...2 things that have hit me in your last couple of replies.

1. You should invest in a heavy bag to take out some of your anger on. Trust me when I say it is very therapeutic.

2. If your MLC'er is like mine, she spends money either just to spend it, or trying to buy clothes that make her look 23 instead of 43. I used to have boxes piling in my garage from things she ordered. I don't anymore...hence the spending has gone down and my bank account is happier and healthier.

3. As for the STD check...it's better to be safe than sorry. You and I have been out of the dating game for a long time, but a counselor friend of mine has said that people are very unsafe these days and are passing more around than they have in years.

4. You have done a great job over the last year, but she is in denial of what a true M should be. None of these people going thru MLC will be able to hold down a happy/successful relationship with anyone, but it is difficult because we have to see the ones we love do this crazy $#!^. Detach more, GAL, and remember that it is not your circus anymore.

Let's all have a drink together tonight. At 8pm (CST) I will raise a bourbon to you my brother. Stay strong and remember that He is always with us thru the storms of life.