Gordie: MLC w and I are working on our d #11

[AndrewP]

W actually was speaking to a friend on the phone in my presence advising: you have to make the most out of life and that the decisions you made in your youth don’t have to bind you for life and that if there are circumstances or people in your life that make you unhappy, that you should discard them and move on. Maybe d is contagious.

Gordie - this is going to be one of the toughest times of your life. Steel yourself and be strong.

She is justifying to herself what she has done and what she is going to be doing. She has surrounded herself with "echo chambers" that will reinforce her decisions and will refuse to listen to anyone else. In my case my W re-connected to her sister who has a history of infidelity and many others. She dropped out of sight to others. I would hear her phone almost constantly beeping with messages at all hours of the day and night. When she would go for actual walks, or when she was driving her car she would have loud, fast music cranked up to "11".

When she left - she said that she was leaving to "escape the noise". I have no idea what her life is like now.

Part of your W's mind though will require her to justify to herself and to a degree others around her that what she is doing is "right". She won't listen to any other opinions.

So - you duty is to stand firm. Be the "sane parent" when the world has gone mad. Your children will actually need to be protected during this time and you may want to research in to counseling for them and perhaps reach out to their school to let them know that things are "difficult at home right now". I know that co-parenting / parallel parenting is a thing that you will be dealing with longer term but for now just presume that your W has "checked out" and can't be relied upon for anything.

You will get through this though. There is indeed a Far Shore. And when you are standing there, you can stand proudly knowing that you have done everything and more that any man could have done for his family.

[Irish M]

I comfort him and get him back to sleep but then I am so angry that I can’t sleep. W comes home around 4am. I can’t believe that this is now routine, that 20+ years of m and family are being trashed.

that's all you can do Gordie. Love and love you son. Give him enough from you and double it up. He will look to you more and more as the one to go to. The one to trust. Show him strength and he will have strength.

You are allowed to set boundaries with your W. Tell her how it is affecting your son. Sadly she won't listen and downplay it

As for the team building on MLC gone bad. She will advise and cling to others in the same fantasy world to make herself feel like she is doing the right things. Giving advise was my XW goal. She told me it was to prevent others from doing what she did.

keep being great dad. That is you most important role in all this.

[bttrfly]

Gordie,
First of all {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} for you and your children.

Next. This is not a good DB advice, but perhaps I have a different perspective today. Get a notebook. Go back as far as you can remember and write down every date for when your STBXW stayed out all night or until the wee hours. Document it. You posted about the dates here, so that should help.

Then, call your lawyer. Ask if there's any value in documenting this.

I'm sorry if this is a hurtful question but I have to ask, Gordie, is she someone who will be a good primary caretaker for your children? I ask this because I'm worried. I'm worried about your kids. I'm worried about you.

I don't want to see you getting taken to the cleaners by STBXW, only to have her continue this irresponsible college girl behavior while you foot the bill and the kids are neglected.

Don't count on her changing her behavior post D. Don't count on anything with an MLCr.

You have to protect yourself and protect and advocate for your kids. I do not say this lightly, or to escalate bad feelings between you and your STBXW. I am genuinely concerned about your kids once you are divorced and she is majority custodial parent.

xoxoxoxo

I apologize if this is harsh or out of line

[CaliGuy]

Gordie.... these are the toughest of times.

Mine moved out knowing I would not tolerate the late nights of her coming and going, she tried it once early going to the movies and I was not so cool with it.

You will notice as HaWho mentioned she will be collecting new friends supportive of the lifestyle she is about to dive head first into on her quest for 'true happiness'....I labeled this group as the "You-go-girl Gang". MLCrs can not handle judgement so they will align themselves with others who live the single lifestyle in their 40's, maybe attach to a younger crowd, or pair up with some fellow MLCrs.... the actions are all strangely similar and you just have to watch from afar as they run themselves ragged.
This is a journey she will have to take and exhaust all options of this percieved happiness before things will sink in that what she is looking for is buried inside her under all the issues she refuses to deal with.

Hang in there man ... its a bumpy road but one you will be served well to take if you continue to work on yourself.

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

I'm so sorry. When moms can't be moms anymore they don't have a lot of utility in the home for the kids. Maybe she needs to be out there living the wild life. Just do as bttrfly says and make sure the kids are safe when in her custody. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with that part of it.

[Rose888]

Are you angry with her because there is a developing pattern of her not being there for the kids? Or is a lot of your anger because of the divorce in general and it is coloring how you see this incident?

Your son had a bad dream and wanted his mom, but she wasn’t there. Instead, Dad was there to comfort him.

Would you have been angry if his nightmare woke him at 10 and your wife wasn’t home? I doubt he knew what time it was.

I don’t think you believe a mother should never leave her kids at night, even overnight, so was your anger really tied to her not being there for your son in that moment?

I might have missed that her behavior is crossing into neglect of the kids. If that’s the case, then I encourage you to ignore this post.

[Gordie]

Rose, yes I think you are right. I am angry about the d and this was a trigger. Thank you always for your perspective.

HaWho, you are right that this GGW phase has been more trying to me. This is coming to an end so am riding it out.

Ownit, absolutely my concern is the kids. I am going to have full access to the kids every day no matter who has custody on that day. W agreed to this.

Cali “you go girl gang” perfectly sums it up. Your point that she has to explore all options is sadly true too.

Bttrfly, thank you. I don’t think she’s a danger to the children. She only goes out all night when she knows I will be there.

Irish, you’ve got that right. All my focus has to be on my kids and their welfare. Like you, I want to be their rock as we weather this storm. MLC team building—made me laugh!

Andrew, it is crazy all the twisted self justification there is. Trying to do better at not getting sucked into it. And that Far Shore? It is looking sweeter and sweeter.

You guys are the best support team!

[Gordie]

Journaling:

W told me she is seeming someone new. This is not the original POM. She said it is getting serious and she wants me to meet him. I said I don’t want to meet him. She said she wants to tell me about him. I said I don’t want her to tell me about him. Can I tell you his name? No. I want you to meet and be friends. I want you to know about him because he is an important part of my life. Being with him makes me realize how much I love and respect you. I said that doesn’t make sense to me. If you loved and respected me then we’d Do what you said you wanted last summer—to build a new R with me. She says I love you but I just can’t be married to you. I want us to be friends.

[roist]

Sorry for that blow. Maybe now is the time to state you don't want to be friends and ye won't be. Can you see her dilusion that you will become best buds with OM and life goes on smoothly.

Best wishes

You replied well to her.

[AndrewP]

^^^^ This