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Ownit: As more time goes by, I am realizing that my H has done me a huge favor by saying so many nasty things to me, neglecting my children and playing money games. I believe it is making it easier for me to detach and let go and imagine a better life on the other side. I think my life, and that of my kids, is already better now than any point in the last decade.

G: a huge favor? Bleh. I hear what you are saying in terms of making it easier to detach but I wouldn’t wish your H’s behavior on anyone. The fact that your life is better now is awesome. I am so happy for you.

Ownit: I can't imagine how difficult it would be if he acted as a parent to the children, told me he loved me, etc. We have not have any of those things in years. I can see how this would lead to a temptation to want to be friends. I follow another board where some folks speculate it is the ones who are friendly that come back. I think you won't have a good idea on that until she does leave and you see how she behaves.

G: yes, the fact that we are friendly does give the temptation to be friends. Interesting that you think the friendly ones are more likely to come back. No idea on that front and agree I won’t have an idea of what our post d relations will be like.

Ownit: With mine, the more I distance, the more he distances. This does not bother me. It is what I want. It seems yours is coming in a little closer as you begin to distance more. The only way you will bear that out is by continuing on as you have been. You've been at it a long time, a little change up and follow through with your current strategy may help. Try not to fear it.

G: thanks for the encouragement. I still have a lot of fear, honestly, but am finding my courage, one day at a time.

Ownit: People like you and the other compassionate and caring men on this board give me hope that my children and I may have a good person in our lives at some point. I hope that you achieve your dream of reconciling your family.

G: thank you; as many have said, you deserve better and believe better will find you at the right time.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Roost: Wow, that I love you with a forehead kiss must be very confusing for you. It sure beats a spewfest. Acknowledge it but don't dwell on it. Don't change your tactics,though I liked the advice that you should be concentrating on living your life rather than doing tactics.

G: thanks, yes that was great advice. It’s relieved my own stress in that I worry less about when I make “mistakes”...and ask fewer if the should I be doing this or that questions. Just trying to focus more on me and less on her. Easier said than done, but simpler for me at this stage. Confusing? Yes, but then I just try to move on.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Posts: 2,605
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Leah sue: Gordie, those tender moments (to quote Ownit) make is SO hard to keep your head straight. They make it so confusing. My H was here for a week and loved on me more than he has in the last two years! Once he got on that plane and left, he was GONE. My head is more confused now than before he came for the visits! In some ways, I think I'd have been better off if he had just stayed away and silent. I was on my way to healing, but that week sent me spinning again! I think you're doing great. Don't read too much into the tenderness. She can turn it right back off, leaving you reeling again. Slow and steady for you.

G: Wow, that visit sounds “nice” but I can see how it would make you spin. Don’t let it get you off track from healing. And you are absolutely right...she can go from warm to cold in an instant...and I am not detached enough to just shake it off.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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SBJ: sorry about the mind-f6@#. As most have said here, you are doing great in this storm that you didn't ask for.

G: you are so right...couldn’t have said that better myself.

SBJ: I'm sure you are totally confused with all of the mixed signals, but I'd think that she is even more confused. I know I wouldn't change places with a MLC'er for anything. Even though we are spinning...they are spinning too.

G: great reminder and yes, I’d much rather be me in this situation.

SBJ: I truly believe that if you put your eyes straight ahead and focus on trusting that Christ has the best intentions for you, you will be able to weather this storm. I will admit that there are times that I still fail to hold it together, but then I refocus and get myself back in line.

G: with God, all things are possible, right?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Kitty wants attention. She is sensing you pulling back so she needs to make sure she gets you right where she left you. As confusing as her actions can make you feel ... she is even more confused I will guarantee it, the closer it gets to being real and final the more you will see her flip flop ... its a dance move I have witnessed for over 4 years now.


Cali, you are spot on. I can’t believe you have experienced four years of flip flopping. My d b coach always says that: your w is very confused.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: HaWho
Lots of yo-yo-ing over there.

You recently mentioned that all the effort you made was not able to defer her from filing. Just a friendly reminder that it's not yours to fix. As we get more distance from our sitches we really see that. You treated her with kindness and you can be very proud of that. They do remember the way they were treated.

Her confusion is affirmation that she is just not quite right these days. And you can't unscramble that for her. She can't even do it!!

Continue building a life like she isn't there.



HaWho, awesome reminder. I’m still a fixer at heart and part of me wants to believe that yes, I can fix her and change her mind about the d! Alas, reality is that I cannot. Interesting that you say they remember how they were treated. I sometimes wonder about that, if there is any perception of what is going on.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Journaling:

I am continuing my version of LRT. NC except kids and finances. Still under the same roof, though less and less time together. Some days we aren’t even at home at the same times so really don’t interact. When I do see her, I am friendly but am not acting as a friend. I have successfully resisted all texting and phone calling when we are apart.

I got one unsolicited half hug and one unsolicited kiss on the cheek. She also initiated one conversation with me to tell me what she has been doing. I listened.

She continues to go out a lot in the evening when I am home and I don’t ask where she is going. Tonight, she got alll dressed up to go out and I told her she looked nice like I would to a roommate and then she told me where she was going but not with whom and again, I didn’t ask.

Next week or two may be high drama. My L will be giving her L my counter proposal on the settlement. We also have another court date coming up. She postponed the last one, not sure if she will do that again.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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keep doing what brings you peace. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Journaling:

Little boy woke up around 2am with a bad dream and he goes to W’s room looking for comfort. She is still out partying and so comes to my room crying, “where is mommy? Where is mommy?” I comfort him and get him back to sleep but then I am so angry that I can’t sleep. W comes home around 4am. I can’t believe that this is now routine, that 20+ years of m and family are being trashed.

W actually was speaking to a friend on the phone in my presence advising: you have to make the most out of life and that the decisions you made in your youth don’t have to bind you for life and that if there are circumstances or people in your life that make you unhappy, that you should discard them and move on. Maybe d is contagious.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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I am sorry. Your poor little boy.

I hated those days. I have the most triggers from those days. It was all so wildly unattractive. I never found irresponsible bad boys even remotely attractive. I also was very angry at what I was seeing.

So they do ditch old friends and make friends with people who validate their choices/new lifestyle. My h made besties with two men: both were nearly 50, never married and lived like they were 20. They were really foolish men. Of course he couldn't do this all with decent married men as they were all at home being healthy responsible men (who would never condone this behavior).

You know you do have choices here, right? You can ask that if she's going out for the night that she just stay elsewhere as it's disruptive to have her come and go.
Or you can try to ride it out.

Keep being that rock for you kids.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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