What does being "friends" with your ex mean? Hanging out? Doing stuff for eachother? Having dinner? Confiding in her? How do you define "friends?"
My ex and I are friendly, but not friends. We can talk, we can joke, we can be in the same place at the same time (even with OWW) and it's light and fine. Do we hang out because we enjoy eachother's company? If he is having a problem at work, does he talk to me about it? No. I am not his wife. Will we have an occasional dinner together with our D10? Yeah, because we are at a place we can do that for our D.
We are even at a place where he was actually going to change my car battery for me when I had surgery. But we are still not friends.
Don't worry about being friends now. Take care of yourself and the divorce. Friends is something you think about down the line.
Thanks. Yes, feeling like I can’t be friends right now and feel somewhat guilty about that. The story of the guy staying best friends with his XW as a means to R...I was shocked but obviously on the website for a reason. It just seems so contradictory to the advice given here. Think your advice to leave it be right now is good too. No need to stress over making some decision now. One day at s time. Cross that bridge when I get to it.
***
Journaling:
Came home from my trip and was a little anxious about the entry. I acted happy and friendly when I got home but did not pursue conversation. I put the kids to bed and then did my own thing and went to bed without saying goodnight. Stbx came into my room later and I was half asleep and she kissed me on the forehead and said I love you. She hasn’t said that in quite a long time. Today she was actually wearing her wedding ring. I noticed but didn’t make any comment.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
As more time goes by, I am realizing that my H has done me a huge favor by saying so many nasty things to me, neglecting my children and playing money games. I believe it is making it easier for me to detach and let go and imagine a better life on the other side. I think my life, and that of my kids, is already better now than any point in the last decade.
I can't imagine how difficult it would be if he acted as a parent to the children, told me he loved me, etc. We have not have any of those things in years.
I can see how this would lead to a temptation to want to be friends. I follow another board where some folks speculate it is the ones who are friendly that come back. I think you won't have a good idea on that until she does leave and you see how she behaves.
With mine, the more I distance, the more he distances. This does not bother me. It is what I want. It seems yours is coming in a little closer as you begin to distance more. The only way you will bear that out is by continuing on as you have been.
You've been at it a long time, a little change up and follow through with your current strategy may help. Try not to fear it.
People like you and the other compassionate and caring men on this board give me hope that my children and I may have a good person in our lives at some point. I hope that you achieve your dream of reconciling your family.
Wow, that I love you with a forehead kiss must be very confusing for you. It sure beats a spewfest. Acknowledge it but don't dwell on it. Don't change your tactics,though I liked the advice that you should be concentrating on living your life rather than doing tactics.
It isn't easy but you are doing great.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Wow, Gordie, those tender moments (to quote Ownit) make is SO hard to keep your head straight. They make it so confusing. My H was here for a week and loved on me more than he has in the last two years! Once he got on that plane and left, he was GONE. My head is more confused now than before he came for the visits! In some ways, I think I'd have been better off if he had just stayed away and silent. I was on my way to healing, but that week sent me spinning again!
I think you're doing great. Don't read too much into the tenderness. She can turn it right back off, leaving you reeling again. Slow and steady for you.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Gord, sorry about the mind-f6@#. As most have said here, you are doing great in this storm that you didn't ask for.
I'm sure you are totally confused with all of the mixed signals, but I'd think that she is even more confused. I know I wouldn't change places with a MLC'er for anything. Even though we are spinning...they are spinning too.
I truly believe that if you put your eyes straight ahead and focus on trusting that Christ has the best intentions for you, you will be able to weather this storm. I will admit that there are times that I still fail to hold it together, but then I refocus and get myself back in line.
One day at a time my brother...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Kitty wants attention. She is sensing you pulling back so she needs to make sure she gets you right where she left you. As confusing as her actions can make you feel ... she is even more confused I will guarantee it, the closer it gets to being real and final the more you will see her flip flop ... its a dance move I have witnessed for over 4 years now.
You recently mentioned that all the effort you made was not able to defer her from filing. Just a friendly reminder that it's not yours to fix. As we get more distance from our sitches we really see that. You treated her with kindness and you can be very proud of that. They do remember the way they were treated.
Her confusion is affirmation that she is just not quite right these days. And you can't unscramble that for her. She can't even do it!!
Continue building a life like she isn't there.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
