LH: I have followed your situation for the last year and I have to say that you should first commend yourself on doing everything you possibly could to turn this thing around. IMO you executed most situations perfectly. Please understand that this has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do about her.
G: yes, acceptance of this has been slow and difficult. If it was about me then I could change the outcome! But if it’s not about me, then I’m powerless to affect the dissolution of the marriage.
LH: For Fs sake she said you guys were "soul mates". What person in their right mind walks away from their soul mate?
G: I have asked myself that a million times.
LH: IMO where you at right now is exactly where you want to be. Co-parents is the relationship you want with her for right now. I have been doing that now since May, I still live in the same home and sleep in the same bed until the D is final and I am so detached it's scary. I never would have believed that 4 months ago. Was it lonely at first? H$ll yes it was! But then it got easier and easier everyday. You know why it got easier? Because I really started to think about why am I trying to hold onto to something that is trying so hard to get away?
G: this is exactly where I am now. Why? There’s no good answer.
LH: My advice to you is to forget about the techniques (LRT, Going Dark, etc) and aim for detachment. In my mind detachment is not a technique it is a way of life. It is time to drop the rope and sent her out into the cruel, cruel world alone without your protection. It's time for Gordie to start living the life he wants to live alone for now.
G: thank you. It’s been three days since I have had any interaction with stbx and this is hard. I am so tempted to call or text to reach out. It’s made me realize how not detached I am. I think about her when I wake up and during the day and when I lay down. This attachment to someone who doesn’t want me...it’s unhealthy. I guess one of the hard parts is that I still don’t want to live alone without stbx...but my head and my heart have to accept that as my reality...stop denying it, start embracing it.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I have managed to have a solid 9 days (a record since BD) of peace. I attribute it to daily meditation of the Buddhist Loving Kindness meditation. thanks to ... Roist for the excel at life site suggestion. Go listen to the meditation. Do it. Take the 10 minutes and do that meditation. I promise you. It will help you get centered. Also, check in with your DB coach.
You've done an amazing job this past year. Stay strong. This absolutely isn't about you, and frankly, she's nuts to walk out on someone like you.
xoxoxo
Butterfly,
I tried out that meditation. Thank you. It’s so simple, and...calming.
I’m doing better at not blaming myself for this mess. And I’m also doing better and not blaming stbx.
I read something from Hegel. Tragedy is not when right conflicts with wrong; it’s when right conflicts with right. In my situation it means: I am right to want to save my m and family. She is right to want to save herself. The tragedy is that these two rights are incompatible.
Does that make sense to anyone?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Cali: I follow you a bit, not often things compel me to post as typically most the advice given here is spot on as this forum collects people who have or are going through what you are and that in itself is a huge help ... the advice here I always took to heart vs the "Dump her a$$" the real life crowd typically gives you.
G: thanks for stopping by...you have been a lighthouse to me!
Cali: You asked about LRT .... well just as the name indicates, this is the Last Resort ... you have done everything upto this point. I did the same ... played the sitch to the letter, sure mistakes here and there, but with the tools I had, just like you, we did the best we could.
G: yes, that is where I am now.
Cali: I usually speak with visual analogies, my way of trying to get a message across. I view LRT like a person who has been chasing a cat ... the more you chase, the faster it goes ... you stop it stops ... you start running after it again and it sprints out of sight back into the tunnel. LRT is like sitting on the couch ... going through the tele with the remote (GAL/Mirror work) and becoming so consumed with that movie (Gordies life.....Staring Gordie) nothing really matters, in fact you forget that cat even lived in the house until it comes up next to you purring wanting attention (Mine would do this often only to scratch the crap out of me and run away again).
G: this is awesome! I have a cat and know what you’re talking about, except I have a super friendly cat who acts more like a dog and always wants to be with me, but I know what you’re talking about!
Cali: I did not look as LRT as giving up, just completely changing tactics because what I was doing was not working.
G: yes, even though it doesn’t feel good...this is my last resort. The d train is in motion. It’s highly unlikely that the train can be stopped but I still want to bust this d if I can. What I’ve been doing hasn’t worked so why not do what all of you have been saying? I have nothing to lose and myself and my sanity and my sense of control of my life to gain. It’s just really hard to look away from that cat and stop wondering where she is and what she is doing and what she is thinking...but that’s something I can control.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, you're welcome. Do it in the morning and evening if you can. I cannot tell you what a change that practice has wrought within me. A true gift of peace!
Yes, that does make a lot of sense. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
So I resisted calling or texting stbx for three straight days—longest NC of my married life—and then she called me last night just to say hello. We talked for a about 5 minutes. She asked how my trip was going and I asked how was your weekend. And then we said goodnight. I honestly was surprised and happy she called. Trying not to read anything into this. The cat wanted to come by and get stroked for a few minutes, nothing more or less, right?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Could not pull up the article with the link. Try it again.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I had not read that article before .... I am one who does not agree with everything here, more of the 'use what works' type and for me that approach did not/would not work. My MLCr used that approach as a cake eat fest and it left me very frustrated and confused till I had to go as NC as one can with children.
I am not saying it wouldn't work ... seems like for that poster it did, but I also question if there were boundaries set up, and if he used the friendship as a covert contract and ended up more frustrated than before seems he may not have saved the marriage just out-lasted the affair, I would be curious to see if there was a repeat affair later as for her it appears nothing was learned nor lost. I was not one who is/will be ok with my W having a BF, just one of those pesky boundaries I have, and one would hope this is a respected stance ..... if you were with a person who was tolerant of you sleeping with other people in your relationship I just do not believe you have much of a relationship.
I am not saying be nasty .... but my exchanges with my MLCr are strictly logistics concerning S and financials here and there, but these were the boundaries I had to implement after years of trial and error.
To circle around to the 3 days NC and her calling you .... stay at zero with the expectations, in fact its not a bad thing to not be available. She will test you quite a bit since you have now changed the rules .... she may even act out testing you more intensely ... this is all normal just giving you a heads up of whats to come ... they will pout when there are new rules in the game they created.
