Well done. Being cheery with a live in mlcer is really hard to do. Even faking it is a real achievement.
As for her threat about not following through with the D if she doesn't get everything she wants, as bttrfly pointed out there is no need to reply. Cross that bridge if you come to it. That may be a question for your coach nin your next session though.
My have a lot of thoughts about that comment, but for now it's not worth dwelling on.
As irrational as her threat is (considering you never wanted to D) it does show she realises she may not get everything she wants. That's good. Be prepared for other tactics. It's also positive that D isn't her priority. She only wants it if she gets x Y and Z. Thirdly continuing to live with you is an option. Many couldn't contemplate that.
However are you willing to go down that road? She has asked for a D. If that doesn't go to her liking, she wants to live together but separated!! Whereas you don't need to reply to her nor dwell on this for now, it could be beneficial to identify what gordie wants. Not giving her this option should be considered.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thanks. I didn’t say anything when she said that. Who knows if she really meant it. I’m not negotiating directly with stbx. I’m giving feedback to L and letting him counter propose something acceptable to me. We shall see her response.
***
Clearly a year of building connection did not work to bust this d. So q about LRT. It seems as if I am distancing myself from her and she is distancing herself from me. We are cordial. We are not friends. We are co parents. There is no physical contact or emotional connection at present. I only do things for her if she specifically asks for them as D B coach thought this was good to do. So how do I know if LRT is making things better or worse?
She stopped all physical contact. She no longer calls or texts me. When I ask how was your day? She just says good. I don’t probe beyond that.
Previously I felt I was in the platonic friend zone. Now I feel as we are mere acquaintances or strangers.
We both socialize independently not one another. I am transparent with her and kids about what I am doing. Stbx just disappears.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I hear a sadness there. I think this is a necessary part of her journey. How can she ever dispel that myth of life on the other side if she never lives it. How can it ever be anything but a fantasy calling out to her.
This is a necessary stage. She has to leave in order to come back. You are a very tough guy and she is going to be there and present in your life because of the kids.
That distance is scary now, but soon you will welcome it. In the quiet of being alone you will be able to examine your own wants and needs and stop focusing on what she is doing and what she wants.
You will find peace, and I think in that peace you will find answers.
O: I hear a sadness there. I think this is a necessary part of her journey. How can she ever dispel that myth of life on the other side if she never lives it. How can it ever be anything but a fantasy calling out to her.
G: yes, I’m sad. Yes, it hurts. I know you at right. She needs to pursue life without me.
O: This is a necessary stage. She has to leave in order to come back. You are a very tough guy and she is going to be there and present in your life because of the kids.
G: You are right about her needing to leave. It takes all of my willpower not to pursue her. Tough guy? No, I don’t feel so touch these days. And yes, we’re going to have daily contact with each other for a long time.
O: That distance is scary now, but soon you will welcome it. In the quiet of being alone you will be able to examine your own wants and needs and stop focusing on what she is doing and what she wants.
G: it sure is scary now. And right now, I detest the distance. I feel lonely. I am on a trip right now and for my whole married life I have called stbx and talked about what happened in our days. But now, I’m not calling her and she’s not calling me. That hurts. I still love and desire that connection to her which is idiotic when she doesn’t feel the same. Part of my brain says: give her space, don’t call her. Another part says: call her and create connection.
O: You will find peace, and I think in that peace you will find answers.
G: thanks for the encouragement. I am praying for peace.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Clearly a year of building connection did not work to bust this d. So q about LRT. It seems as if I am distancing myself from her and she is distancing herself from me. We are cordial. We are not friends. We are co parents. There is no physical contact or emotional connection at present. I only do things for her if she specifically asks for them as D B coach thought this was good to do. So how do I know if LRT is making things better or worse?
I have followed your situation for the last year and I have to say that you should first commend yourself on doing everything you possibly could to turn this thing around. IMO you executed most situations perfectly. Please understand that this has nothing to do with you and it has everything to do about her. For Fs sake she said you guys were "soul mates". What person in their right mind walks away from their soul mate?
IMO where you at right now is exactly where you want to be. Co-parents is the relationship you want with her for right now. I have been doing that now since May, I still live in the same home and sleep in the same bed until the D is final and I am so detached it's scary. I never would have believed that 4 months ago. Was it lonely at first? H$ll yes it was! But then it got easier and easier everyday. You know why it got easier? Because I really started to think about why am I trying to hold onto to something that is trying so hard to get away?
My advice to you is to forget about the techniques (LRT, Going Dark, etc) and aim for detachment. In my mind detachment is not a technique it is a way of life. It is time to drop the rope and sent her out into the cruel, cruel world alone without your protection. It's time for Gordie to start living the life he wants to live alone for now.
I have managed to have a solid 9 days (a record since BD) of peace. I attribute it to daily meditation of the Buddhist Loving Kindness meditation. thanks to ... Roist for the excel at life site suggestion. Go listen to the meditation. Do it. Take the 10 minutes and do that meditation. I promise you. It will help you get centered. Also, check in with your DB coach.
You've done an amazing job this past year. Stay strong. This absolutely isn't about you, and frankly, she's nuts to walk out on someone like you.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I follow you a bit, not often things compel me to post as typically most the advice given here is spot on as this forum collects people who have or are going through what you are and that in itself is a huge help ... the advice here I always took to heart vs the "Dump her a$$" the real life crowd typically gives you.
You asked about LRT .... well just as the name indicates, this is the Last Resort ... you have done everything upto this point. I did the same ... played the sitch to the letter, sure mistakes here and there, but with the tools I had, just like you, we did the best we could. I usually speak with visual analogies, my way of trying to get a message across. I view LRT like a person who has been chasing a cat ... the more you chase, the faster it goes ... you stop it stops ... you start running after it again and it sprints out of sight back into the tunnel. LRT is like sitting on the couch ... going through the tele with the remote (GAL/Mirror work) and becoming so consumed with that movie (Gordies life.....Staring Gordie) nothing really matters, in fact you forget that cat even lived in the house until it comes up next to you purring wanting attention (Mine would do this often only to scratch the crap out of me and run away again).
I did not look as LRT as giving up, just completely changing tactics because what I was doing was not working.
