Gordie: MLC w and I are working on our d #11

[Gordie]

Thread #11 finds G still living at home with stbxw and kids. A year ago, I got the b d. After the panic phase, I worked with a d b coach with the aim of rebuilding connection with stbx. It worked and stbx postponed d talk and action. Alas, stbx says she just can’t do it any more, can’t act married. I gave up trying to build connection and am now in some LRT. We talk like acquaintances and work out co parent logistics. We are working out the details of our settlement. I’ll write more later and respond to the prior messages.

[Gordie]

Prior:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2758694#Post2758694

[Gordie]

Butterfly,

Thank you for sharing more of your story. Running on fumes? Yeah, that’s me right now. And no, I can’t live like that for long.

I too am struggling with those who am I apart from my stbx questions. What do I like? What do I believe? Who am I?

I’m embarrassed that I don’t have quicker answers but I guess this is going to take some time. Singing in front of others? Wow. That is awesome.

What is a shamanic journeying practice?

Fierce compassion. Wow, hadn’t heard those two words together. Trying to get this settlement done as fairly and civilly as possible. I really do hope she is reasonable and that is possible.

[roist]

It is good you have people here who have gone through what you are going through. Their views and advice are a great benefit to you. Tweak that advice so it best suits you.

I would advise you to focus on what you need to achieve or want in the settlement. Regardless of how W reacts/acts. Don't get sucked into arguments. Be a rock unperturbed by the turbulent river.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Gord, glad to see you opened another thread. We are on a similar timeline from BD, but mine seemed to be done much quicker. I'm 11 months post move out date. It has been a long 11 months, but the thing that we learn in this is that it won't kill us and that we are very capable of making things work.

There are so many things that help get us thru this, but the number one for me were two F's...Faith and Friends. Neither will let you down, and if you friends share your faith it makes it that much better.

I'm not saying that I don't have rough patches...Hell I teared up at the end "The Urban Cowboy" last night when they rode off together. Reasons...one of her favorite movies, one of her favorite stars, one of my favorite soundtracks, plus Jack Daniels makes me emotional. That being said, I woke up this morning with my nose to the grind stone and in prayer. I lift you and your family up in prayer every day. Please know that you are not alone in this.

Right now it is a business transaction...treat it as such. You would never want to make a bad deal with your business and you sure don't want to with this. Stay strong my friend.

[leahsue]

Gordie,
I can't remember if I've posted to you in the past, but I've followed your thread and just wanted to stop by and offer a word of encouragement. I can read the pain in your posts, but I think you're doing some of the hardest work right now, and digging deep inside yourself for answers to questions that you probably wouldn't have even asked yourself before this chapter. Who are you apart from her? I think we all lose sight of that about ourselves over a long marriage.

You will get to the other side of this. We all will. One day at a time.

[Gordie]

It is good you have people here who have gone through what you are going through. Their views and advice are a great benefit to you. Tweak that advice so it best suits you.

I would advise you to focus on what you need to achieve or want in the settlement. Regardless of how W reacts/acts. Don't get sucked into arguments. Be a rock unperturbed by the turbulent river.

Best wishes

R,

Thanks. A year ago I think I would have just given w anything she wanted. I am in a better place now and see how unreasonable some of her requests are. She thinks she is going to win. I think everyone loses. W will throw a fit when my L gets back to her L. So one crazy threat: w has said if she doesn’t get what she wants that she will refuse to d and we will remain legally married but she won’t act like it. How is one to respond to such proclamations?

[Gordie]

Gord, glad to see you opened another thread. We are on a similar timeline from BD, but mine seemed to be done much quicker. I'm 11 months post move out date. It has been a long 11 months, but the thing that we learn in this is that it won't kill us and that we are very capable of making things work.

There are so many things that help get us thru this, but the number one for me were two F's...Faith and Friends. Neither will let you down, and if you friends share your faith it makes it that much better.

I'm not saying that I don't have rough patches...Hell I teared up at the end "The Urban Cowboy" last night when they rode off together. Reasons...one of her favorite movies, one of her favorite stars, one of my favorite soundtracks, plus Jack Daniels makes me emotional. That being said, I woke up this morning with my nose to the grind stone and in prayer. I lift you and your family up in prayer every day. Please know that you are not alone in this.

Right now it is a business transaction...treat it as such. You would never want to make a bad deal with your business and you sure don't want to with this. Stay strong my friend.

SBJ,

I think I feel the same way about d and post d life as you do. Thank you for your response on my prior thread and thank you for your prayers. I am doing better at praying for myself and my children and my family every day. I definitely left faith instruction to my w so have also been figuring out how I can now take that upon myself. I have been very private about my faith and realizing this has made me be more open to them about what I believe and why. Yes, I should have been doing this all along but it’s better late than never. I can see how this experience makes you drop your faith or cling to it. I hope for the latter. Lately my prayer has been: Lord, give me the strength to make it through today, just one more day.

And no, I realize this settlement will dictate the rest of my life and can’t let w dictate exactly what she wants without regard to my well being. We will both lose a lot. She doesn’t recognize that.

[Gordie]

Gordie,
I can't remember if I've posted to you in the past, but I've followed your thread and just wanted to stop by and offer a word of encouragement. I can read the pain in your posts, but I think you're doing some of the hardest work right now, and digging deep inside yourself for answers to questions that you probably wouldn't have even asked yourself before this chapter. Who are you apart from her? I think we all lose sight of that about ourselves over a long marriage.

You will get to the other side of this. We all will. One day at a time.

Leah sue,

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the encouragement. Part of the reason I post here is to verbalize a lot of the pain and other feelings that I am keeping inside. I am a natural stuffer so posting here and talking to friends IRL helps me to get it out and process it. Thank you for being a sounding board! And the encouragement and advice here is invaluable. Some of my IRL friends offer live and support but have no idea how hard this really is and I know all of you here do.

[Gordie]

Journaling:

So have been faking my happiness when at home. I think it makes me a better father and more agreeable acquaintance to stbx. It beats being sad and angry and moping. I’m doing this for me. Funny thing is, I do think stbx finds my cheeriness somewhat surprising and annoying. O well. She was grumpy last night and I didn’t pursue by asking her why or trying to make her feel better. I was just cheery. I can only control me. And yes, faking it...does make me feel better. After some minutes of this awkward contrasts of moods, stbx distanced herself for the rest of the evening. I am happy I remained steady and emotionally independent.