Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[joejoe1]

25,

I can't tell if she's on the fence anymore. She hasn't said she wanted to work on the marriage.

Last night we talked while she took a bath. She cooked all day. She made pumpkin muffins, pumpkin pie, stir fry, wontons, and snicker doodle cookies.

She keeps rubbing up against me. She calls all the time now, as well as text. She keeps talking about our future.

But I'm Leary, because her actions don't match Sandi's WW actions. I don't know whether to run, be happy, or stay the course. I have been doing the latter.

I havent seen any signs of her talking to OM. She has said she wants to forget about this summer and her actions. She has also said she was reckless this summer.

She said she wants professional counseling.

What do you think?

[EastTN]

Joejoe, I think you're still dealing with a WW here. There doesn't sound like any remorse here, only a desire to sweep everything under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. She doesn't want to do the work.

"Stay the course" sounds like the best idea.

[Tread]

Joe,

I agree. She wants to just pretend the whole thing never happened. Go ahead and stay the course, but don't allow yourself to get comfortable. Something is going on in her mind. And it may not be a good thing at this moment.

[AnotherStander]

I'm with East and Tread. Looking at your timeline it's far too soon for a recon. It's more than likely a false one, she's just trying marriage back on briefly to remind herself why she's done. Stay the course.

because her actions don't match Sandi's WW actions.

I think they do, she's engaging in some classic cake-eating.

I don't know whether to run, be happy, or stay the course. I have been doing the latter.

NEVER run. You pursue YOUR path, YOUR life. If she wants to come along then fine, if she doesn't well that's fine too. THAT should be your attitude. And by all means by happy! Whether with or without her!

[Holding]

JoeJoe, you are seeing some positive signs, but I agree it's too early to interpret this as her being ready to return to the M.

She's probably gone underground or is at least processing something on a deep level. But there's nothing you can do about that. That's a battle she has to fight inside herself, alone.

I understand the uncertainty is really hard to deal with. But where there's uncertainty, there's certainly room for hope.

Stay the course for yourself. Keep your positive attitude. The only person you can control here is you.

[joejoe1]

Thanks all,

I'm trying to play this situation the right way, the best I can. I don't want to kick an empty can. If she's not doing nothing I don't want to treat her like she is. If she is really thinking about working on the M, I want to give her the space to make that decision on her own.

If she is doing something, by staying to course I won't be on course. What a wild wave we ride in these Sitch's.

No rest for the weary! No time to take a break. I will keep pushing forward.

[joejoe1]

Update,

Where to start? This might be long.

My wife and I have been getting alone very well lately.

Let's start with last Thursday and my convo with my DB Coach. I told him all the things my wife has been doing in relations to us. She has been more open to conversations and expressing her feelings. He told me to stay to course, if I see improvements why stray from that path.

Off topic a little, but a little background. I was the A-hole, absent H. I didn't involve myself with my kids or wife like a man is suppose to, I defended all my decisions, right or wrong and I made excuses for my actions. I was angry and wanted people to fall in line with what I wanted. To be honest I was getting dissatisfied with my wife before BD. Not giving my W an excuse for what she did, but dam who would stay with a M like me for 7 years. I know I wouldn't of.

Her breaking point came this June. This summer my wife took on 7 kids by herself, three was not ours, they were our nieces and a nephew. She asked me to take leave and decided not to, I decided it was more important for me to work. She watched them for almost a month. She broke and I saw it. And everyday, I just walked by her. Dam, I didn't give a sh$t then.

But back to now, So after BD, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to find an answer, I start doing all the things I thought I was supposed to do, clean, help with the boys, pleading and begging. But then I started researching, and asking for help, which is/was hard for me, I'm a prideful person, but I got humbled this summer. I also start seeking the Lord guidance.

I finally found this Forum in August, and I had a lot of trouble understanding the concepts. I still do sometimes. But I started the 180s. I started working on all the thingsmy W said I didn't do. But the way I did it at first was to show my wife I was improving.

Now, my 180s are about me, at first Sandi, said doing all the cleaning, helping with the boys and helping around the house won't get your W back, and now I get why (my wife doing all those things for years, how could my measly few months equal up). I started doing 180s for myself, I needed to know that I wasn't my father, I needed to know that I could fill my boys needs and have them love me as much as I love them. So I started doing 180s for myself, unselfishly, not looking for praise and in a unconditional way. I knew, that my changes had to be for real and for ever. Not for any other person but me. It's hard to change your perspective and outlook. Still working hard at changing my perspective and outlook, doing a lot better now.

I also, start reading up on optimistic outlooks. I started laughing and smiling more. At first I let my wife moods affect me, I still do it sometimes, but I catch myself now. It feels good too. I talked to people more, say hi and asked how their day is going.

I stop pursuing my wife and made Divorce an option for my M. I came to the conclusion that it's a possibility, so I need to learn to take care of my boys on my own. I sat in my car and ran every scenario in my mind, R or D(I cried the whole time), I saw what both outcomes could be. That was hard to do as well. But I have to be realistic.

I did a lot of GAL. I also did a lot of reflection. Dam, I had and still have things I need to fix. But I'm glad I now have noticed them. Hopefully I can see my faults from now on and work on them.

After I talked to my DB coach, last Thursday night, wife and I had good convo. Friday was a doosey. I came home, she was tired, so she asked me to watch our boys while she takes a nap. I had a friend over helping me build a firepit in the back yard and do landscaping work around the house. I put my S1 upstairs in the big room with the gate closed. My S6 was in there as well. I asked him not to leave the room and open the gate, we all know how that goes. Well I went outside to see how my friend was doing with the landscape, my wife was sleep didn't want to wake her. When I was about to go back inside a neighbor came over with her son to look at our Halloween decorations. I go back inside and my wife is screaming. My S1 had fallen in the toilet butt first (funny now). My wife was pissed I left him upstairs. She locked herself in the bathroom with S1. I was disappointed in myself. I came up with a solution, easy, take him with me next time, DUH!

After some time she opened the door and told me how mad she was and how he could of been much worst and I agreed. He ended by saying she don't trust me around the boys and how disappointed she was with me and how she was feeling upset with herself for thinking I had changed. I felt like a failure for a second. But at that moment, I told myself this moment will not define me. So, I said let me hold my S1, I apologized to him and her. She calm down and I slept with my S1 that night. Felt awesome by the way. (Also, I didn't defend myself before DB, I would of blamed S6). I took fault, and was ready to live with the outcome.

Saturday came around, she was still pissed but, she started to open right back up again. Which was weird, because usually she stays mad for longer.

Sunday, we watched Netflix that night together and took the kids outside on our new firepit to make smores. I wish I could share the pictures of the firepit on here it's awesome. She also told me she was feeling negative and didn't want to feel that way. She also said she was annoyed with the kids and needed a little space to get rid of that negativity she was feeling. I had gotten an attitude earlier in the day, I haven't had one in a long time and she told me that made her feel down as well. Her exact words were, it made her, "feel a certain way". I told her, I felt like I was strenching myself thin a little, with the kids, myself, work and helping my friend do landscape. She said she could understand that.

Monday we watched Netflix again and ate ice cream together after putting the boys to bed.

Yesterday, we took our S6 to appointment. He has to get surgery in December. Poor baby. He will always be my baby. After the appointment we went to a Vegan restaurant together. (We vegans now, shhhhhhh, I had a few pieces of meat). Last night we watched Netflix again. She told me she wants to be around me now and haven't felt like this about me since we first dated 7 years ago. She put her feet on me while we watched Netflix. and we sat right next to each other. I over pursued a little, put I quickly pulled back and enjoyed where were at. She keeps asking who am I. Everytime I do something opposite of what I would done a few months ago, she says, (you would of done, such and such). I just shrug it off and say, yes I would of have done that then.

Yesterday, she told me she wanted to plan a family X-Mas get together for X-Mas 2018, her decision on her own.

She is more invested in the family and me now. She cooks, clean, buy me clothes, and expresses how she feels about almost everything, except the M and our R.

I still haven't brought up the M, Recon, or our R.

Also, on the OM topic. I haven't seen any signs of her talking to him. She might be, but she lets her phone die, and she is no longer hooked on it. It's has been hard, but I have started to let the overall checking up on it died, it's a lot of unneeded stress. What's in the dark will come to the light. Like Sandi says, check every now and again.

I don't know how to take all of this. AS said my sitch is in a too early of a stage for recon.

This is not all she has said over the last week. She has been very flirty and she smiles, and we laugh a lot more.

Thoughts?

[Holding]

Hey JoeJoe! Good to hear from you!

Things seem to be going well for you. But remember to keep your expectations in check. Getting too hopeful can lead to pushing things before your W is ready. I'm glad you're having luck with your coach - stick with his advice if it's working.

Don't worry too much about what stage you're in. Try to take it day by day.

Hang in there!

[joejoe1]

Holding,

Thanks for the check in. Yeah, keeping my expectations in check is a must. It's hard but it must be done. I'm taking the DB coach advice, I also have Sandi's 2x4 in the back of my mind.

[TBSakaJ9]

JJ...it sounds like your changes have been noticed. Good work! No talks of R or D, no pursuing, no pressure. Continue to feed the good wolf. Consistency and patience over time are changes she can believe in.