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joejoe1 Offline OP
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Update,

Oh, about the counselor, she say that they were too religious. She wants to go to a counselor that has a degree. She want's a person that can give her tools to help with her depression and crying at night.

While she talked to a counselor, I talked to a Pastor, he gave me great advice.

After the sessions ended the Pastor, wanted to talked to my wife, and he started off IMO a little forward.

The first he says to my wife is, "where did you get that beautiful smile, Walmart?". Then he made another comment on her smile. The he proceeds to asked her does she wants to be married, she said I don't know. He asked her 3 times. I was like why. Then he asked her, what does the bible say about marriage, and how does GOD feel about marriage, does he want divorce, and he forced her to answer, and she said "No". Then he went in on, are you coming to church this Sunday and she said I don't know. He asked that 3 times. I could tell she was getting mad.

Then I went in the room with the counselor, to ask a few questions, he took my wife off to the side, and after he finished talking to her, and while we were walking to our vehicles, she says, "that pastor don't understand personal space".

Yesterday, she told me that, that Pastor was too much, and I agreed.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Yeah, in my experience any counseling or support based in a church (including Divorce Care) can be very preachy, unfortunately. The WAS is very self-centered, so I don't think a God-heavy approach ("What you're supposed to do") is appropriate.

I recommend you find someone else for MC. Ask your W if she would like to pick someone. She needs to be 100% comfortable with the person.

Has she mentioned going to MC again?


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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Holding,

She said she will make the call this time. We have military resources she is going to reach out to.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Your W is trying to display actions that you would relate to things turning back to normal in the MR. However, she doesn't want to continue with counseling with a spiritual leader, and makes excuses to get out of it.

She talks about the hurt you've done to her, but is she taking responsibility for the pain she has caused you and her family? Then, she doesn't want to talk about it b\c she gets angry.

You are confused by the scenarios b\c they are not matching what she says or her attitude.

Some WW's can play their H for awhile, but if he will observe the consistency and how her actions\behavior, attitude, and words match......or if they don't line up, I think it can be a guideline of sorts. Plus, as I said, if there is show of disrespect for her H in any of these three areas......he can write it down that she is not really doing the work on their MR.

I don't trust the scenarios you've described b\c anyone can throw a few crumbs for awhile. I think she is playing you. If she is in contact of some sort with OM, she will be able to put on a front, as her way of shielding the A. But, she is wayward, so it's a matter of time before her true colors run.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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Sandi,

Hmmmmm.....

She told me she didnt want to go to a church counseling before I even scheduled that session.

She told me she wanted a professional. She still wants to go to counseling. She wants a professional. The church counselor didn't have a degree or tools. She want to use the military resources that provide counseling now.

Today she bought me clothes. This was a huge surprise.

I will keep my eyes open for her actions. I understand what you are saying. She needs to show me she wants to be in this marriage.

She might be putting on a show. Time will tell you are right.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Posts: 18,666
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Well, she does need a professional counselor. Although, she might get one that is not pro M. Has she considered seeing a doctor for AD's and maybe sleeping meds?

Quote:
I will keep my eyes open for her actions. I understand what you are saying. She needs to show me she wants to be in this marriage


Are you sure you understand? I feel as if I'm not communicating well. Don't get distracted by one area (actions, words, or attitude). Observe to see if all three are lining up together that is letting you know she sincerely wants this M to work. I believe when all three consistently line up side by side with the same message, then you won't have reason to feel confused.

Has she told you she wants the M to be better or even if she wants to save it? Has she indicated remorse for the destruction her affair has caused her loved one? I don't mean just shedding a few tears, but has she made it clear to you that she is sorry for betraying you and that she through with OM? Perhaps I misunderstood, but I thought you told her to end it or get out. And.....then you start getting these mixed signals?

You posted on GW's thread that she told you she resented you and no longer respected you. At what point did she say this? And, has she said what you would need to do to change it? I ask b\c I believe it was yesterday I wrote somewhere that I have yet to see a WW be that clear with her H about the root problem. So, I am interested in knowing more.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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Sandi,

She told me those things about 3 weeks ago.

We had a big argument the day befire. I told her I was tired of her attitude and acting all mean. I told her why is still in the house if she has stuff and bad attitude and didnt want to be around me. I told her why don't she leave. We had a blow out about who should stay in the house. I told her I wasn't leaving.

The next day we had a great conversation. She Told me how a lack of disrespect allowed her to cheat on me. Show told me, I didnt make her feeled secure as a woman and wife. She also told me straight out that she still have a lot of resentment for the way I treated her. She told me she felt take for granted and not valued. I never told her how beautiful she was and held her.

After this conversation the tension has went way down in our home.

She hasn't told me she wanted to work on the M. But she has started making long term plans, like she plan on staying here.

She sent the OM a message right in front of me. I can't find a sign that she has talked to him since. And I know just because I havent found evidence, dont mean it's not happening.

She asked me today who was I, because I wasn't becoming combative and defensive, when she asked me to go back into the store and get something she forgot to ask me to get. She keep referring to the old joejoe would have done such and such.

Also, my wife hate not driving. She gets car sick when other people drive. Today we took the kids to our city fair. I was the last one to het to our vehicle. I was sure I was sitting on the passenger side. I walk outside she sitting on the passenger side.

She really want professional help, to help her deal with her depression. I hope she gets the help she needs.

Am I missing something. I try to follow what you say about a WW. I have applied the 37 rules. But I know this road still has some turns left.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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joejoe1 Offline OP
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^

Sandi,

Your thoughts!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: Holding
Yeah, in my experience any counseling or support based in a church (including Divorce Care) can be very preachy, unfortunately.


Till last week I would have been baffled by this^^^ remark. My divorcecare group has healthy discussions and then we get together afterwards.

Then Last week the leader showed a video, and it was over the top (for me) with preaching. Lots of scriptural quotes I could not connect to the topic. We had anger and depression as the topic of the night. The book was fine.

(But I already get that marriage is a "vow and a commitment", so I don't need the epic fail pointed out anymore. And don't find my anger helped much by pondering Christ on the cross, but I digress. And I'm sorry if this offends. I just wasn't helped at all).



The WAS is very self-centered, so I don't think a God-heavy approach ("What you're supposed to do") is appropriate.

Total agreement and It will backfire. IF there's help to be found in religion, (for them, I mean), it'll be a with a private approach that does not have the LBS right there.


I recommend you find someone else for MC. Ask your W if she would like to pick someone. She needs to be 100% comfortable with the person.

Has she mentioned going to MC again?


please avoid that pastor with the boundary issue. We had some good chaplains.

And one of the guys h and I saw, was very complimentary to me in front of h. H did not seem to mind. I assumed it was a guy thing (like if other men compliment your wife, then you will feel you are "winning" with a trophy wife, or something, or whatever...)

but when I saw the MC pastor alone, he made a pass at me. I never went back.

gross. SMH at the recall.

Not saying you need to tell your w this, but it does happen.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Well, she does need a professional counselor. Although, she might get one that is not pro M. Has she considered seeing a doctor for AD's and maybe sleeping meds?

Has she told you she wants the M to be better or even if she wants to save it? Has she indicated remorse for the destruction her affair has caused her loved one?


I don't mean just shedding a few tears, but has she made it clear to you that she is sorry for betraying you and that she through with OM? Perhaps I misunderstood, but I thought you told her to end it or get out. And.....then you start getting these mixed signals?


maybe I'm confusing joejoe's thread with someone else, but If not, then I recall history of anger on his part, and a ton of criticism and shaming his wife in front of others. She said he "broke her" and to his credit, joejoe is doing some brave work on himself.

Not defending her, to be clear. But joe, isn't she still on the fence about working on your marriage?


Also, I echo the need for her to see an MD.

As for Privacy issues - she can go off post if you are uncomfortable with on post help. They will not link her civilian med records to your military ones.

Does she agree to see someone?



You posted on GW's thread that she told you she resented you and no longer respected you. At what point did she say this? And, has she said what you would need to do to change it? I ask b\c I believe it was yesterday I wrote somewhere that I have yet to see a WW be that clear with her H about the root problem. So, I am interested in knowing more.





M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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