Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 3)

[Tate]

Previous thread.

Summary: 1.5 years ago, W wanted divorce. I found out she was in a PA with OM and an EA with my BIL.

I have made large strides in myself and my interactions with my W.

Recent events not initiated by me let my BIL know that I know about him and my W. I figured it was time to let my sister know since she was the only one in the dark.

W found out I told sister, probably from my BIL. W declared she will file for divorce this week...
....
Current status:

I am awake now, unable to sleep at 2am.

I keep running through my head that had I just left my sister in the dark, I would not be facing divorce and would have a much better chance at turning my marriage around.

The only response I had to my wife declaring she will file for divorce by Tuesday was that I did not think it is the right thing for the kids or us. She insisted it is happening. I asked if she would consider a separation. Again, her response was divorce filing this week.

I am looking for recommendations on what I need to be doing now with her moving forward with the divorce...?

[Tate]

Would this be the time for going dark since it seems I am past the 180s at this point?

[PsySara]

First off, I am frustrated just reading about your journey. Now is the time to act "as if." Time to act as if you are moving on so it becomes a truth. Your wife has zero respect for you and is basically keeping your testicles in her purse. You need to show your children that a father and husband is supposed to be strong and dependable.

If your wife wants to go to grad school and check out of her kid's lives then by all means, step aside. Start setting up childcare when you have things to do and she refuses to parent. She wants a divorce? Fine, act as if it's in process. This means setting up child custody exchanges (I've recently made it clear to STBXWH that he will be responsible for arranging child care on his weeks) this had the result of shocking WH. He backpedaled and tried to assume I would take them if he had to work late and I clarified that it would not always be possible. I also sat down and had a talk about the splitting of assets, I am being fair and not spiteful but I get the house. Period. This caused WH to mumble about "it's unfair" but I think it also gave him a jolt about how finances are about to be tighter.

Your wife is underestimating how much adulting she will have to do when the divorce happens. She thinks that things will be the same when that isn't the fact. She will have to kiss grad school goodbye as the child support won't cover everything nonetheless schooling. So be CALM. When she spews, validate but stay the course. Start agreeing with her when she talks about marriage not being possible, my DB coach recommended that and it had the desired effect. WH stopped using it as a way to instigate an argument. Can't exactly argue with someone agreeing with your point, kwim?

I can't remember which poster (I went through a lot of older threads when the signature line showed a successful DB) but his wife was having an affair and cake eating. At point she began to cross into physically attacking the LBS and was screaming she wanted a divorce. He agreed and then left, went dark for about 2 weeks. His WW ate her words and came crawling back.

Now, with that said, this does not always result in reconciliation. Sometimes the WS will make the same mistake over and over again, jumping from one relationship to the next to seek outward validation. There is something broke inside them and will not be fixed until they hit the bottom. So what you need to do is let go and let them fall, anything else delays the desired result. If you stick to your side of the road and make yourself a stud then you win no matter what the WS does. You exposed the affair and now you need to stop temp checking your WW. Get out of the house (for trips not move), take the kids if necessary, and go on trips, local fall festivals, whatever. She needs to be in the empty house and feel the absence. She can't miss you if your there in her presence all the time. Stop caring about what she says or threatens. If she files then do whatever necessary to speed the process. In the meantime, start grooming yourself, wearing some cologne, go out with friends and don't tell her who you're with. WS are weird, they don't want you until they think someone else does.

[EastTN]

I keep running through my head that had I just left my sister in the dark, I would not be facing divorce and would have a much better chance at turning my marriage around.

2x4. Sorry.

Let me reword this for you: "If only I had allowed my wife to quietly continue her affair, if only I'd allowed my wife and brother in law to keep my sister in the dark, I'd have a better chance of turning my marriage around."

Does that sound like a rational place to be?

We ALL have the "if only I'd done this" thoughts. I promise you that before this is over, your W will absolutely, positively, put the blame on you for her affair, for continuing her affair, and for deciding your M was over because YOU had a problem with her affair.

Easier said than done, but you HAVE to start focusing on you. HAVE to work on being the best Tate that you can be. It MIGHT save your M, it might not, but it absolutely WILL save YOU.

You have no control over her. Over what she does. Who she does it with. You only control yourself. Latch on to that, and BE the person YOU want to be. If you want to fix your M, then be the H only a FOOL would leave. Even if you lose your M, at least you've still done the work to be that man.

[Tate]

Paysara, thanks for your thoughts. I agree that my W has no idea how much she eould miss me and time with the kids. The logistics of going dark are difficult...I need to take care of the kids 2 evenings per week. It is also difficult to tell if this would backfire...my W has been thinking of leaving for years.

I think it is important to bring up that Ibmentioned that I had a disorder, cleanliness OCD for objects, that is now under control. There was a time when it was not. Actions my W did would cause me anguish. I would ask her not to do them, then she would anyway. I would get mad at her and/or plead with her to stop. She saw me as being very negative and has even said that I was verbally abusive. I do not think I was, but it was in her mind.

As an example, last weekend, I was having a bad day, she did some furniture moving in my sons room. I had asked her to let me shampoo the carpet in that are before she moved the furniture. She told me it did not matter and got mad at me for bringing it up. I got mad and said she did a "half assed job". In her talk about filing for divorce, she cited that I "called her a half-ass".

She historically goes out of town a lot with the kids, so I know how lonely it feels after just a day and a half by myself. I do not have an excuse to stay overnight out of town without her. The only people I could do that with are my parents. I have thought of just taking the kids on a mini vacation to another city just to do some exploring also.

I am new to the filing for divorce process...are there resources here for what to do? My wife doesnt realize that filing is just the start. She literally said she would meet with a lawyer and be done by mid week.

It sounds out of place right now, but she already layed out a plan for her to keep tge house and me to leave. I honestly have poured my heart and soul into this house and do not want to lose it if this all follows through. Any advice?

[Tate]

I know my sister needed to know. Everyone here was right all along that we cannot reconcile with the EA continuing.

[25yearsmlc]

I know my sister needed to know. Everyone here was right all along that we cannot reconcile with the EA continuing.

so you think the more people who know of it, the easier your wife will find it to

1) end the EA

and 2) want to reconcile

and

3) do all the work required for "piecing"?

[25yearsmlc]

Paysara, thanks for your thoughts. I agree that my W has no idea how much she eould miss me and time with the kids. The logistics of going dark are difficult...I need to take care of the kids 2 evenings per week. It is also difficult to tell if this would backfire...my W has been thinking of leaving for years.


what have you and your w done to improve the dynamics of your m?

Would SHE say you have changed anything that harmed the m?

I think it is important to bring up that Ibmentioned that I had a disorder, cleanliness OCD for objects, that is now under control. There was a time when it was not.


What do you mean, "it's now under control"?

And when you say it's for objects, are you saying

that it does not affect how you react to people?

Actions my W did would cause me anguish. I would ask her not to do them, then she would anyway. I would get mad at her and/or plead with her to stop.


see my point? I'm not trying to hammer you here, just reframing it so you can see her point. Not to agree but to stop fueling her negative images. That's what 180's can do, and when there are valid issues for us to work on, for our lives, and our relationships, it's important.

She saw me as being very negative and has even said that I was verbally abusive. I do not think I was, but it was in her mind.


First, as you know, what matters most is what she believes at this time, and second, there may be some validity anyway.

Because being chewed out or having a spouse lose their temper and criticize is not healthy or loving. Probably feels like abuse. (Your words were that you "got mad, pleaded, and she caused you "anguish" about cleaning in a certain way)

As for being negative, can you see how OCD can be viewed that way, to someone who does not share that condition?

As an example, last weekend, I was having a bad day,


what does this mean or justify?^^^

If you have "a bad day", do you get carte blanch on how you treat others?

(I'm asking).


she did some furniture moving in my sons room. I had asked her to let me shampoo the carpet in that are before she moved the furniture.


Not that it matters, but When did you plan to shampoo it? Were you telling her everything had to wait until you were ready? See how you are framing things makes you a little helpless.

She told me it did not matter and got mad at me for bringing it up. I got mad and said she did a "half assed job". In her talk about filing for divorce, she cited that I "called her a half-ass".

to some folks, this^^ is the same thing. To others, it's not. I would not spend time worrying about it in terms of the divorce filing. But in terms of how you relate to your family I would.

She historically goes out of town a lot with the kids, so I know how lonely it feels after just a day and a half by myself. I do not have an excuse to stay overnight out of town without her. The only people I could do that with are my parents. I have thought of just taking the kids on a mini vacation to another city just to do some exploring also.


how are those plans going?

I am new to the filing for divorce process...are there resources here for what to do? My wife doesnt realize that filing is just the start. She literally said she would meet with a lawyer and be done by mid week.


There are DivorceCare groups all around the country. Practically free and very worthwhile. IT's a support group with people on the same path and many who do not want to be. There are also inexpensive seminars on this topic you can attend just to know what to expect.

Also, see a lawyer asap to protect your financial rights (you need "Do" nothing. Just get information).

And what about seeing an IC for your issues? Would your wife consider attending Retrovaille with you?

You can maybe say it's about helping with the kids, because I don't think it matters how you guys get there. NO I don't mean to lie, I mean you don't have to stress that you want to save the marriage.

Retrovaille is a retreat sponsored by the Catholic Church but You do NOT have to be Catholic or even Christian to attend. (My h is not Catholic and that was an issue for him. But there was no preaching and no dogma presented. They said a prayer after each evening.)

It was a powerful weekend for us and they have a very good track record.

Note - only couples who are considering OR in the divorce process already, attend Retrovaille. So you'd be in good company.



It sounds out of place right now, but she already layed out a plan for her to keep tge house and me to leave. I honestly have poured my heart and soul into this house and do not want to lose it if this all follows through. Any advice?

Stop making it harder for her to want to work on things. My DB coach said to "keep the road home, paved & smooth." You can disagree if you want, but it's a DB tenet.

What are your 180s?

180s have 2 (or more) functions.

1) you can choose to improve something about yourself (and that is always a good thing.)

2) AND OR

the 180 can serve to undermine the negatives she has of the marriage or you.

It confuses her if she has always said you are "negative and rigid," but instead you show her the PMA you have, and you are more relaxed and easy going.

What kind of a "jerk" Likes playing with his kids?? What kind of "OCD rigid negative" guy enjoys a relaxed evening in which the kids change their minds about what movie or game to play, and he's fine either way?

For example, If she thought you were "always late", you would become Mr PUNCTUAL and you'd be on time or early to everything.

That ^^would show her that her "data" about you, is not real or is out of date.

Have you read the DB or divorce remedy books?

Set Short term goals, get a good counselor, don't fuel the negative images she has,

be the best dad you can be, start GAL for real,

Why not take that trip with the kids? One weekend, with a few activities planned BUT LOTS of flexibility built in...

not to show your w what it's like to be lonely, but to enjoy the kids on your own and to push your comfort levels outward.

Make sense?

[Tate]

Not sure what you are getting at 25yearsmic...the EA is with my BIL. My sister did not know. I resisted advice on here for 1.5 years to tell my sister. I told her because my BIL found out I knew as well. Everyone involved but my sister knew.

[25yearsmlc]

Not sure what you are getting at 25yearsmic...the EA is with my BIL. My sister did not know. I resisted advice on here for 1.5 years to tell my sister. I told her because my BIL found out I knew as well. Everyone involved but my sister knew.

That's fair.

But what is your goal, now? It really has to be clear (at least for the short term).