Kids are at choir and will be home at 6. My W will be here at that time to pick them up for the week. I am struggling to find the strength to hold it together. My 6 yr old already told me she is going to miss me. Knowing that I won't see them but for a couple hours here and there really makes me sad tonight for some reason. I don't know how my W can find this enjoyable as I can't imagine that it is for my D's and I know it is not for me. Right now I find myself being so angry with her.
I know suck it up, act "as if" which I will, It's just so hard to imagine that this is my "new" normal and my kids have to live out of a fricken suitcase.
What mother would want to put their child through something like this and not want to work on it is beyond me.
I know suck it up, act "as if" which I will, It's just so hard to imagine that this is my "new" normal and my kids have to live out of a fricken suitcase.
What mother would want to put their child through something like this and not want to work on it is beyond me.
My WW (when I thought she was a WAS) told me she "accepted" she would only have the kids 50% of the time. At that time, I was thinking WTF...what parent would think that? Now, I know, she was driven by her ego/id/selfishness/rationalization as to do whatever to justify her choices.
Thanks Smithy....You are totally right, it is just hard to accept sometimes. I think my W actually enjoys having our children part time. In her mind this is the perfect set up. She can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone. I knew she went out of town this weekend and I didn't even ask if she had a good time. Screw that.
Well my W and were exchanging emails this morning over upcoming finances for our children. In one of the notes she told me she barely has enough money to pay her bills. I responded back that I understood and I am feeling the pressure as well.
I guess her lack of cash is not waking her up...........
I guess her lack of cash is not waking her up...........
You do not want her to comeback because she can't afford it on her own. You only want her back because she misses you. That is the only way it works out in the long run.
After we separated, my wife tried to borrow some money from me. I told her she should be asking the OM, not me. She hit the roof. She told me it was precisely because of that kind of behavior that she was divorcing me. I guess I shouldn't admit this, but I kinda-sorta enjoyed that moment.
LOL...that is awesome! I thought I did a good job validating myself!
My W just came back and said she could pay for a portion of what we were talking about. Since our finances are separated I have no idea how much money she has or doesn't have. So if we split things 50/50 and she says she can't pay for something. I guess at that point it is my decision if I want to pay for it 100% depending on how bad I want my D's to go or have it or participate in it?
What if the W couldn't pay her share or said she couldn't? Then you had to make the decision on whether or not you could afford to pay it all if you wanted them to have it etc?
What if the W couldn't pay her share or said she couldn't? Then you had to make the decision on whether or not you could afford to pay it all if you wanted them to have it etc?
Yes, that's correct.
If it's something that just my sons and I are doing together (i.e. no XW involved), I always pay the entire cost. If it's a school field trip, then I split the cost with my XW.
That's what I thought.....I guess I just have to take her for her word for the next 20 years or so. I find myself talking to her more now and coordinating things then we did while we lived under the same roof.
I find myself talking to her more now and coordinating things then we did while we lived under the same roof.
It's good that you two are doing a better job of communicating. You know, in the future, if she has any medical issues that she's unable to pay for, you can tell her that you can't afford to help her financially, but you'd be willing to play doctor if necessary. I don't think that's really DB, but you don't have to tell anyone that you were playing doctor with her. It's just a passing thought (Dr. Doodler loved making house calls).
LOL.....I think it is ok to play Dr as long as you remain detached right???
She opens up when she wants to and then can turn it to all business very quickly. I don't know if she catches herself being nice then decides to pull back, maybe she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression or if it is her way of keeping herself strong emotionally. It's obvious she has some inner turmoil going on.
I find that my W is nice to me usually because she's feeling very guilty about everything. Right now with the move, she's like what do you need? can i help? can i clean? Im like - get outta here, I don't need your help lol.
I am sure she's trying to be kind, but I really don't have any space within myself to receive her help after all this.
Your W might be nice to soften the convo if it's going to be a difficult one, or it could be because of the reasons you noted.
Many times people wonder whether or not to have sex with their estranged spouses. Here's my response:
As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.
For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.
Having said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.
Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.
I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."
But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.
One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.
I appreciate MWD's advice and it is nuanced for sure. However, I don't know if I'd like to be my W's booty call. If I was going to have some booty I might as well venture out and find some new women to have fun.
OTOH, I'm definitely missing having a sex life so if W showed up with some definite ideas, I dunno what I'd do.
Hmmm.. I think my chances of getting hit by a truck are higher before she ever shows up lol.
I think my W actually enjoys having our children part time. In her mind this is the perfect set up. She can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone. I
This is another unattractive characteristic of a wayward. She may put up a fight to have full custody, but she doesn't want them full time. That would impose on her time too much.
This is another difference I see in the WAW and the WW. The emotional disconnect the wayward has toward her parents, old friends, and even her children.
Quote:
I guess her lack of cash is not waking her up...........
Here's the thing. She's going to have her "Poor Me" pity parties, first. She'll try it in her H to see how much she can get out of him (and she may go to great lengths.....like giving his sex). She will try to get money from her parents (calling it "loans", or promising to pay it back).
Quote:
My W just came back and said she could pay for a portion of what we were talking about. Since our finances are separated I have no idea how much money she has or doesn't have. So if we split things 50/50 and she says she can't pay for something. I guess at that point it is my decision if I want to pay for it 100% depending on how bad I want my D's to go or have it or participate in it?
Well. all the fathers of the year may disagree with me, but this is the reality of divorce. The kids don't get as much as they would before the D. I haven't read the other replies, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone doesn't say, "Your child should not be punished b/c of the D, or b/c of her mother". Well, that lays a big guilt trip on Dad, doesn't it? I don't go along with that type of guilt advice about the kids.
Look, her telling you she can pay a only a portion is completely unacceptable. If you cover her part this time.....you will be covering her part in everything that comes along. So, bite the bullet and tell her it looks as if D won't be able to go. Then be ready for WW to pull the guilt card and use on you. Don't fall for it. It's the nature of the beast.
This is divorce! It would be better for your daughter to miss out on this event, and maybe her mother will put more effort into paying her part of the next event. But, WW won't do it, as long as she can play the H.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandy the good news is that she ended up paying for half of what we were discussing with the kids.
We do not have a separation agreement and just arranged our financial piece between the both of us when she moved out. If/when this goes to D will what I am paying now have any impact on a D settlement? Will a judge look at our current arrangement and say since you are already paying it it should continue.
Well, I don't know what a judge might say, I'd just encourage you to protect yourself. I think some guys pay more during the separation b/c they want to show their W they love them and are willing to take the bunt of expenses. However, it often turns on the H........and like you said, he has to continue taking it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks S...I don't think we are too far off financially, maybe $100 here or there. I think it is the male instinct to want to take care of his family and it is a hard thing to shift your thinking even in these situations.
I don't think I have been too overly nice to her through this process and I always think about being a NG when I approach these situations. When she moved out I did ask her to give me the checkbook to our joint account, I did have her name removed from it as well since I am the primary and I also asked her to give me our joint family credit card. My name is on it not hers. I didn't do this until she got her checks re-directed to be auto-deposited into her own checking account. I don't think those actions are not NG worthy .
Since then though she come to me a couple of times wanting money to help her with groceries because she went over budget. In one instance she did ask me for the credit card and I told her "no". I did go out and get her some stuff primarily because she had the kids for the week but that was it. She also offered to pay me back.
Maybe she is Wayward with a conscience? When she came to me for money she broke down, started crying and told me it was hard for her to ask. I assumed it was due to her pride.
Anyway....I am still not pursuing and I never ask her any questions about herself. How she is doing? Where has she been? What is going on? How do you feel? Everything is high level talk about some random BS, the kids or money. I won't break ranks but am getting kind of tired of it.
LOL...that is awesome! I thought I did a good job validating myself!
My W just came back and said she could pay for a portion of what we were talking about. Since our finances are separated I have no idea how much money she has or doesn't have. So if we split things 50/50 and she says she can't pay for something. I guess at that point it is my decision if I want to pay for it 100% depending on how bad I want my D's to go or have it or participate in it?
You did validate well. But you earn a lot more, so I'm not sure anything will be paid for in a 50/50 way.
That depends on what a court orders in a divorce filing.
Joseph, I can sense the pain you are in and the desire to the "right thing". I really admire it.
Everyone has some pride and it's taken a big blow to be here, for sure. Believe me, I get it.
But when you start measuring the money, and you make more and you are not yet divorced, be careful what you push her towards.
(And to be honest, I sense a bit of the petty - but understandable part of you - that might enjoy her discomfort. Try not to spend time in that place, okay?).
If it gets financially more advantageous for her to file for divorce, is that what you want?
What does your lawyer say?
I do know a couple that reconciled after 15 months apart.
Her h was paying "enough" for her to get by, to pay the mortgage and she worked too.
But it began to dawn on her h that his HAPPY FREEDOM was going to cost him more in a divorce.
(of course it'd Cost both of them more than being an intact couple, but you get the point).
So he backed off pushing for it and he seemed to get sort of "got all comfy" in his paying less than he would owe, position.
Then his wife wanted things to move one way or the other. There were OTHER factors to be sure, (including her getting noticed by OMs in general, no one specific)
and she got back in shape, tuned up, she did a lot of great DBing,
and I believe in my heart she began to just let go of him and GAL. It showed.
Whatever it was in the end, he is making real effort at piecing since their recon a year ago. It's not easy but as she puts it, "beats the alternative, SO FAR..."
So Figure out your real goal, and if momentary delight in her problems is helping or hurting. Food for thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks sandy the good news is that she ended up paying for half of what we were discussing with the kids.
We do not have a separation agreement and just arranged our financial piece between the both of us when she moved out. If/when this goes to D will what I am paying now have any impact on a D settlement? Will a judge look at our current arrangement and say since you are already paying it it should continue.
Not sure what state you live in, or how much more you make than she does.
In general, a court does not like seeing one party have a substantial downturn in their lifestyle while the other does not.
in my case, and what my L will argue
is that my h is an MD with a pristine resume, whereas I've got an 18 year gap in my resume, while I raised our kids and moved 9 times for h's career.
And I'm not licensed in this state, so I'd have to move to a place we lived 18 years ago, to use my professional degree and find work.
Where I filed, The court thinks after a long m this^^^ should not mean I live in a crappy place while my h lives in almost the same lifestyle we had while married.
Other states look for "Equitable divisions" and all states want the kids to be safe and to minimize the changes in their lives/life styles.
The courts usually don't want to see a big disparity in lifestyles for some time.
Ultimately, yes the higher earner will have more, b/c they earn more. But That's later. And assumes the lower earning spouse does not remarry.
See a lawyer to discuss possible financial implications and no matter how much you like the first L, (if you do), please interview another one.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
But when you start measuring the money, and you make more and you are not yet divorced, be careful what you push her towards.
(And to be honest, I sense a bit of the petty - but understandable part of you - that might enjoy her discomfort. Try not to spend time in that place, okay?).
Hi 25.....I am really trying hard not to get petty, you are right it is hard. I guess I struggle at times with the balance of not supporting her financially vs not being a push over, NG etc.
Under our current arrangement I am paying the car payment and car insurance for the car she drives. I am paying all the family medical bills, the previous family debt we had and 90% of our children's after school care. We did sit down together before she moved out and put together budgets for ourselves, listed everything out and this is what we agreed upon. She also opened up her own credit card that had a $2k limit on it and she has maxed that out. I did offer to sit down with her and go over the finances again which she declined.
When she runs over budget though you know who she comes to? I guess that is what I struggle with the most. Not wanting to be the nice guy and bail her out but also not wanting it to come across as vindictive and punitive. For the record when she did need money I gave it to her or supported her and when she offered to pay it back I have declined.
Your thoughts????
Quote:
What does your lawyer say?
I have not spoke to a lawyer yet but I do have a good friend who is a judge and I have sought his council. He just said keep good records of what money you give her and your expenses. At the end of the day more of the law will be applied vs current state sort of speak.
She has not brought up D since the middle of July so I am not sure what's going on in her head.
Quote:
Not sure what state you live in, or how much more you make than she does.
We live in Texas which is a community property state.
Quote:
In general, a court does not like seeing one party have a substantial downturn in their lifestyle while the other does not.
in my case, and what my L will argue
is that my h is an MD with a pristine resume, whereas I've got an 18 year gap in my resume, while I raised our kids and moved 9 times for h's career.
I agree and IMO I think our lifestyle are similar. I think my W has problems budgeting her money because I handled all the finances for the 16 years we have been together. She is a teacher with a Bachelor's Degree so other than income disparity there are no gaps in her employment nor any concerns about her finding a job.
Quote:
Where I filed, The court thinks after a long m this^^^ should not mean I live in a crappy place while my h lives in almost the same lifestyle we had while married.
I agree totally......the apartment she found costs more than our mortgage and is brand new.
Quote:
Ultimately, yes the higher earner will have more, b/c they earn more. But That's later. And assumes the lower earning spouse does not remarry.
I fully accept and understand that if we go to D I will be paying her some monthly support and prob alimony even with having 50/50 custody. The only thing I have asked her to pay for is her cell phone bill $120/mth and $70/mth towards our children's after school care. I am paying for every other expense she left behind when she moved out. Car notes, car insurance, former family debt, etc.
I just don't know how to handle when she goes over the budget we put together for her. I don't want to seem vindictive/punitive or come across as a push over, wimpy, NG. I never reach out to her and ask her if she needs money I am just responding to when she reaches out.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/20/1710:44 PM. Reason: Combine posts
Joseph I don't have specific advice for you on finances but a planner or lawyer might.
Yes Texas is community property but child support isn't community property based, as you know.
Um, as for the "NG - Nice Guy" concern, have you read that book? (The title is misleading & the term "nice guy" can be a misnomer). I'm confused by your use of it when it comes to the finances and wanting to rescue her.
That's ^^sort of not it.
So, of the things your w felt were missing in the m and with which you agree - how's that going?
And are you GAL? The more you do that, and the less you obsess about her, the more detached and less likely to engage in the whole "teach her a lesson" deal.
Something my DB coach said long ago that resonated to me,
was that "it's not the spouse's job to teach their h/w lessons, or to 'show them consequences of their choices. Life does that."
One of the reasons this^^ helped me, was for me to let go of what I "should" be doing.
A lot of that "Should be doing SOMETHING" in me was me trying to control the outcome
and just not do my best, then letting go of the results.
If you truly do become the best version of yourself, the best Joseph9 you can become
then you can turn the marriage over to God & hold your head high.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Um, as for the "NG - Nice Guy" concern, have you read that book? (The title is misleading & the term "nice guy" can be a misnomer). I'm confused by your use of it when it comes to the finances and wanting to rescue her.
Yes, I have read the book. Thanks for the clarity, we get a lot thrown at us and I guess at the end of the day I don't want her to think of me as being weak because when she comes to me with a need (financially) I have supported her during this separation. How does this help her feel that she is loosing me when I support her? Does that make sense????
Then I think about this part of detaching:
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Quote:
So, of the things your w felt were missing in the m and with which you agree - how's that going?
The first time she told me she wanted a D she told me I needed to be more of a leader. She never did elaborate. Then she told me I didn't challenge her to be a better person, that I needed to lose weight, I needed to get off my computer, I needed to change my socks. She told me she knows that I would love her for the rest of my life and there are 95 reasons why she should be with me but something was missing and she couldn't put it into words. She told me I was a great provided, father and is the best sex she has ever had Every time I pressed her on it she couldn't put it into words what was exactly missing she just said I know in my bones it is not going to work. Gave me the I am not attracted to you any more, bored, ILYBNILWY speech and every time I pressed her for examples she got mad. I did snoop for OM but never did find anything.
So since all of this has transpired I have taken care of myself physically by going to the gym, I have lost weight, got new clothes, new haircut etc. I have been taking my kids to church every Sunday and have them enrolled in choir. I have been reading self-help books on relationships as well and personal development. Most of my focus has been on my physical appearance and I know probably my biggest opportunity is to be more engaged and always present myself in an attractive manner. I got lazy.
Quote:
And are you GAL? The more you do that, and the less you obsess about her, the more detached and less likely to engage in the whole "teach her a lesson" deal.
GAL has been working out, going out with friends here and there, I took a trip last month out of town. I also signed my D's and I up for some cooking classes. I really enjoy working out and being physically engaged so that has been my primary source of GAL. Anything active I really enjoy.
Quote:
Something my DB coach said long ago that resonated to me,
was that "it's not the spouse's job to teach their h/w lessons, or to 'show them consequences of their choices. Life does that."
I like that and agree I have really tried hard to not make this punitive for my W. I just think about it in context with making her feel like she is loosing me and should that tie to finances and not rescuing her?
Quote:
If you truly do become the best version of yourself, the best Joseph9 you can become
then you can turn the marriage over to God & hold your head high.
I have thought long and hard about this and even have had the discussion with my IC about who I am. I really don't know what else I can do. At times I really feel as though I have turned it over to God already. My neighbor came over the other day and told me how awesome of a guy I am and if anything ever happened to him he would want me to take care of his W and kids because he thinks that highly of me and how I have carried myself through this situation.
I am always searching for what else I can do to improve on but I am really struggling with that piece.
Any suggestions?
10/5/17 7:59
Just some morning journaling before I get ready for work:
I find if interesting that my W has put her own boundaries in place. For example.
- Yesterday she cam over to the house. The garage door was open but instead of just letting herself in through the garage door she goes to the front door and knocks.
- While at the house she had to go to the bathroom. She went to the spare bathroom and shut door so I guess I wouldn't see her. While together the door was always open.
- Our youngest D got sick yesterday and is staying home today. Last week my oldest got sick and stayed home from work. My W made it a point this time to ensure that she was the one to stay home. I got the feeling she wanted to make sure she was pulling her own weight.
Any way my oldest has pictures today at school, she is in 3rd grade and has really started to be concerned about what she wears. She didn't have any dresses and she really wanted to wear one for picture day. So guess who took her shopping last night after work for a dress???? You guess it me! Normally that would have fell to my W but it was really fun and afterwards we went and got yogert.
I guess I better get used to as this appears to be my new norm! W enforcing her own boundaries and taking my D dress shopping! What is going on !!!!! RC seems so impossible at this point in time. Not because we fight or argue, that has not happened since she moved out. She is just very business like with really having no emotion. It seems like she is a pro at this arrangement and is totally settled with it.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/20/1710:45 PM. Reason: Combine posts
Hey, good job Dad! These little experiences will work in drawing you and your daughter even closer. One day you may hear her say, "Remember the first time you took me shopping for a dress? We had a lot fun!"
As for your W, I believe in being civil if at all possible. It is much better than the drama we see in some other people's situation. It may feel a little strange to see your W acting like a neighbor, but she is actually doing the right thing by using the guest bathroom.....and closing the door.
You do a great job here on the board, Joseph. I hope you'll continue to be a help to newcomers.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yeh be the awesome Dad who has fashion sense. I do most of my shopping online now, but I do enjoy going shopping with my kids. Good on you to getting D a dress. I am sure she was over the moon doing this with you.
Great job with D. One thing that 25 has always said, is one of the ways to a woman's heart is thru her children. You wife might not be showing signs, but you don't know what she is thinking and processing. Don't worry about her reaction, enjoy your D.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hey, good job Dad! These little experiences will work in drawing you and your daughter even closer. One day you may hear her say, "Remember the first time you took me shopping for a dress? We had a lot fun!"
Thanks! Yeah, we had fun! I could tell when I picked her up from mom's that she was not happy about what she had to wear. I took my D's school shopping before school started and always took them shopping for their athletic gear. It is also a good opportunity to meet some single mom's as well!!
Quote:
As for your W, I believe in being civil if at all possible. It is much better than the drama we see in some other people's situation. It may feel a little strange to see your W acting like a neighbor, but she is actually doing the right thing by using the guest bathroom.....and closing the door.
There have been times were I wanted to tell her "thank you" for making this process easy on me. She could have strung me along, been wishy washy, gave me mixed signals, etc. She has not done that once and has not skipped a beat since she moved out! I know she was done the minute she walked out the door. She is also very head strong and I know she is not coming back.
Quote:
You do a great job here on the board, Joseph. I hope you'll continue to be a help to newcomers.
Thanks I really appreciate this coming from you! I am just an average dude that lives in the suburbs with his W and kids. I have worked for the same company for 18 years, have a great job am a good provider. I thought we had a really good life, we always had everything we needed, took a few trips, W got to go shopping and do all the feminine things women like to do. She took some girls trips out of town, would go to some happy hours as well, I thought we had it all! Little did I know what was brewing on the inside!
I really think I have a level head on my shoulders and do I good job of not letting my emotions get the best of me. I was trucking through life enjoy watching my kids grow and spending time together as a family and I got smacked upside the head. I never wanted it and really never knew anything was wrong until the last 3 months after a trip she took to Vegas. She came back from that trip feeling that now her eyes where wide open!
This board and the people on it (past and current) have helped to get me through the darkest days of my life. I called my mom every morning crying my eyes out asking her what I could have done differently. I have another close family friend that I did the same with. I have also typed many posts on the site with tears in my eyes as well. I do plan on sticking around and will be help to those that need it. The point is that no matter who I spoke to I got the most clarity and support from the folks on this board and for that I will forever be grateful and pay it forward.
Anyone that knows us has no answers for me. No one could have ever imagined that this would have happened or that my W would have done this. I have realized that this is more about her than me. Our good friend that is close with our family told me that my W just got tired and wanted to experience the single life.
So guess who took her shopping last night after work for a dress???? You guess it me! Normally that would have fell to my W but it was really fun and afterwards we went and got yogert.
I had a father/daughter moment this morning. My daughter just started 4th grade and here it is by far the toughest grade for elementary school. She is stressed out about learning to write in cursive. Doesn't understand why she has to learn it when she always prints. She started balling her eyes and I just hugged it out with her. I am and always will be her rock. Ten minutes later she was joking around like her usual self. Daughters are the best!
I am and always will be her rock. Ten minutes later she was joking around like her usual self. Daughters are the best!
Yes....I couldn't agree more. I get more torn up over them having a potential stepdad or OM being around them than I do my W. That is going to be challenge for me!
Just some morning journaling before I get ready for work:
I find if interesting that my W has put her own boundaries in place. For example.
- Yesterday she cam over to the house. The garage door was open but instead of just letting herself in through the garage door she goes to the front door and knocks. we are advised to stay out of their heads, of course. However - here I go - I think she's trying in her way, to show respect for the boundaries she believes you have or should have.
In truth, it would bother a lot of LBS's to have the WW just stroll in, so I'd see it as something that makes your life easier.
- While at the house she had to go to the bathroom. She went to the spare bathroom and shut door so I guess I wouldn't see her. While together the door was always open. don't know, can't decode. But it's better than the alternative, isn't it? And it reminds HER that she's not living there. it's not "her" home now.
- Our youngest D got sick yesterday and is staying home today. Last week my oldest got sick and stayed home from work. My W made it a point this time to ensure that she was the one to stay home. I got the feeling she wanted to make sure she was pulling her own weight.
Well, thank God. The alternative to that^^ is mostly lousy.
Any way my oldest has pictures today at school, she is in 3rd grade and has really started to be concerned about what she wears. She didn't have any dresses and she really wanted to wear one for picture day. So guess who took her shopping last night after work for a dress???? You guess it me! Normally that would have fell to my W but it was really fun and afterwards we went and got yogert.
I guess I better get used to as this appears to be my new norm! W enforcing her own boundaries and taking my D dress shopping! What is going on !!!!!
CLAP CLAP CLAP!!
RC seems so impossible at this point in time. Not because we fight or argue, that has not happened since she moved out. She is just very business like with really having no emotion. It seems like she is a pro at this arrangement and is totally settled with it.
Come on, you know better.
That's like saying Facebook is an autobiographical documentary, (and not just a highlight reel for the "resume of life for a depressed person in crisis.)
Plus, you'd probably say the same thing if there were fights and yelling matches going on or escalating. ("it's looking hopeless").
Her calming down and looking at the reality she's creating, is also the way for things she needs to work out, to surface. Make no assumptions.
Get out of her head. The reality is that if/when she wants things to work out,
you won't have to mind read. The clarity and commitment from her would be there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am and always will be her rock. Ten minutes later she was joking around like her usual self. Daughters are the best!
Yes....I couldn't agree more. I get more torn up over them having a potential stepdad or OM being around them than I do my W. That is going to be challenge for me!
well, let's not borrow pain from tomorrow, okay?
Besides, I've learned that IF the 1st marriage is ending (you are not there yet!)
then a remarriage on at least one parent's part is likely.
Given this^^^ (i.e. IF no recon happens)
the best to hope for is someone who acts as an added source of affirmation for your kids.
That's NOT replacing you, but supplementing you.
The nanny we had many years ago, genuinely loved my children.
And they loved her. Decades later, my kids are still in touch with her.
Nope, nanny was not their mom (or stepmom) but she reflected their value back to them. I think it helped with their sense of self worth.
But, back to the now...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=Joseph9]Thanks Smithy....You are totally right, it is just hard to accept sometimes. I think my W actually enjoys having our children part time. In her mind this is the perfect set up. She can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone.
Even though this^^ is mind reading and we are not supposed to do it, it's very hard not to. We don't understand choices WE would not make. That's part of why it's so hard to accept (pain we don't see the direct cause of, or understand, is harder to process. So we must learn to accept what we do NOT understand or we will stay stuck in the limbo land of "asking why"...
We often project our values/priorities onto our spouses. We don't get that they have a different measuring tool (or they are shifting from one extreme to the other, internally).
There are justifications we don't know of, and probably would not accept anyhow.
FYI, my h was once an involved dad. I validated that even when his hours were relentless, he seemed nurtured by our family when he returned home.
Now, h has not seen our kids in a year or more. Not talking to them either. S31 said "we have all been replaced." Ouch.
And it appeared to be that way^^ from what I heard.
But h has been reaching out to my closest brother starting 2 weeks ago and has again, since. Also texted me a few times.
He told my bro "the kids aren't talking" to him and my brother said h "sounded very subdued, hurt, tired."
Well, that ^^was news to me. Turns out, Facebook and the way they appear in front of us, are NOT autobiographical documentaries.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Her calming down and looking at the reality she's creating, is also the way for things she needs to work out, to surface. Make no assumptions.
Good stuff, I agree. Once the initial rush of emotion subsides and she takes a step back to breathe only then will she get the clarity she needs 1 way or another. I have completely removed all pressure so she should have all the space she needs. GOOD STUFF 25!!
So we must learn to accept what we do NOT understand or we will stay stuck in the limbo land of "asking why"...
I remember reading a post from one of the old-timers about the LBS wanting to have answers and them feeling like answers are owed to them. The vet essentially said that there are many things in life that happen to us that we never know the answers to when we die. Why would this situation be any different. It's good to keep that into perspective but it is soo hard to not mind read
Quote:
Now, h has not seen our kids in a year or more. Not talking to them either. S31 said "we have all been replaced." Ouch.
It is crazy to here such stories from a Women's point of view. I could never imagine not being there for my D's ever and just going off the deep end. How did you handle it personally? How young were your children at that time and how have they adjusted? What did you say to them?
Quote:
He told my bro "the kids aren't talking" to him and my brother said h "sounded very subdued, hurt, tired."
Well, that ^^was news to me.
Turns out, Facebook and the way they appear in front of us, are NOT autobiographical documentaries.
True, true......I have to remember that. I have had many people who are good friends of ours comment that my W does not appear to be the same. She is not the same happy, energetic person they once knew. My W doesn't talk to any of our former family friends and has surrounded herself with a completely different crew.
Hey all.....just checking in. I took a 1/2 day today to be the Mystery Reader for my 1st grader in her classroom. Essentially parents volunteer to come in a read to the class. The teacher gives them clues to who the reader is and they have to guess. Unfortunately my youngest is sick so she was not at school today but I went in and read to the class anyway and then hit the gym. I signed up for another day anyway when she will be there. The kids love it when their parents come to class!
No plans tonight, I went out last night after my D's soccer practice with a few buddies to watch Thursday night football. We have soccer games all day tomorrow starting at 8 am so I need to get my rest. I love watching my D's play, yes I am one of those types of parents.
My W and I swapped days next week since the kids are out of school on Monday for Columbus Day. Since she is a teacher she will be off so I told her I would take them on Sunday since she is going to have them on Monday and next week is my week. Just trying to be a good co-parent and as long as I don't feel as though i am being taken advantaee of I don't see anything wrong with it.
I feel as though I have kind of reached a comfort zone in my sitch. I think when i first got here I was kind of like a bull in a china shop or the Tazmainian Devil. Just bouncing around all over the place getting so many things thrown at you, analyzing every conversation. Is she disrespecting me? Do I have boundaries and what are they? Am I initiating too much contact? Am I talking too much to her? Etc. etc. etc. Now I feel like I am just being me. I still do not talk about our R or D and I don't initiate anything however I don't find myself trying to play games any more. IF she texts I text back, if I can take my girls i take them, if I have some extra children's allergy medicine and she asks for it sure I will bring it. This is me, this is who I am. Take it or leave it. For me doing anything else would be vindictive or I would just be doing it to prove a point. At the end of the day what is it going to get me? I don't want to be scared and not "step into" the conversation. i don't want to hide and run scared. If this gets me a D then so be it, it doesn't bother me anymore. IF she called me up right now I would tell her to go file if that is what she wants and I would not have that sinking feeling in my stomach any longer. Hey though this is my sitch, I would probably feel differently if my W was doing some of things others are experiencing. I guess I don't really give a $hit anymore 1 way or another.
So Sunday I have my girls and we will be decorating the outside of our house for halloween. There is a dollar store about 3 blocks away that we will be walking to so they can pick out some stuff. Then we will be heading to the local Pumpkin Patch to pick out pumpkins and have some fun. Our neighbors on both sides and across the street from us all of kids the same age and they al go to the same school. We have lived in our house for 8 years and they have all grown up together. Every year they all go trick or treating together as a group and we take a picture every year, under the same tree, which is super cool because you can see them growing throughout the years.
I know we are entering the time of year with Halloween and Christmas that is going to be rough. I know this will be the first time for me in 16 yrs that we won't be together as a family. I just hope we all find the strength to power through, stay in the moment and not let our minds wonder to those dark places.
Now I feel like I am just being me. I still do not talk about our R or D and I don't initiate anything however I don't find myself trying to play games any more. IF she texts I text back, if I can take my girls i take them, if I have some extra children's allergy medicine and she asks for it sure I will bring it. This is me, this is who I am. Take it or leave it. For me doing anything else would be vindictive or I would just be doing it to prove a point. At the end of the day what is it going to get me? I don't want to be scared and not "step into" the conversation. i don't want to hide and run scared. If this gets me a D then so be it, it doesn't bother me anymore. IF she called me up right now I would tell her to go file if that is what she wants and I would not have that sinking feeling in my stomach any longer.
Dude, welcome to detachment. I've been waiting for you.
My wife's birthday is today. She leaves for work before I get up. Six months ago I would have been thinking do I text her do I not? Do I wait until later in the day? What do I say and then wait impatiently for a response.This morning I got up and went for a run and texted her when I was done "Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy your day!" Set the phone down and took at shower.
Tomorrow I plan to ask her to start putting a list together a list of things she wants from the house for when she buys her knew house.
I find if interesting that my W has put her own boundaries in place. For example.
Great, I think that will make things easier on both of you. Some LBS's have WAS's that think they can just come and go as they please, just letting themselves in and making themselves at home. It can be very frustrating. This shows she has some level of respect for you and that is a very good thing.
Quote:
So guess who took her shopping last night after work for a dress???? You guess it me! Normally that would have fell to my W but it was really fun and afterwards we went and got yogert.
Perfect! Way to be an awesome dad
Quote:
RC seems so impossible at this point in time. Not because we fight or argue, that has not happened since she moved out. She is just very business like with really having no emotion. It seems like she is a pro at this arrangement and is totally settled with it.
She's not. She's just a hell of an actress. My XW is too. Our son has been having trouble in school this year (freshman in HS) and we've been having some talks with him about it. Last night she shared with me that this has been very frustrating for her, she's been having trouble sleeping, is upset at work, just torn up over it. Luckily it was a phone convo because my mouth was probably hanging open. I don't see her a ton but when I do she never shows any emotion. So to hear that she actually has feelings always surprises me a little, LOL!
If there were WAS academy awards, the judging would be nearly impossible, they're ALL masters at acting as-if.
Dude, welcome to detachment. I've been waiting for you.
LOL....patience Miagi. Danielson had to learn how to wax on wax off first!
Quote:
Do I wait until later in the day? What do I say and then wait impatiently for a response.This morning I got up and went for a run and texted her when I was done "Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy your day!"
Good for you, F-that just own it. Confident, secure, no games. Move on, end of story. Text if you wanna text if you don't f-it and move on.
Yo Yo everyone....saw the W today at my D's soccer games. At the 2nd game of the day some of our good friends came to the game to watch our oldest play. BTW she had 2 goals!! Anyway I hadnt seen them in a while and when they came up to us on the sidelines they immediately commented on how good I looked. They then turned to my W and said wow, doesn't he looked good!! My W reponded with something like yeah but it took her a minute to respond. It was like she wasn't expecting the question and it took her off guard and of course she couldn't admit it or give me a compliment. I was like F U. Geez.
Then after the game she came up to me and said she ran out of money and since she doesnt get paid until the 20th she only hd 20 bucks to get her to the date. This is the second time this has happened and she asked for our redit card again. I told her no but that I would Quick Cash her some money. I don't think she has stayed on her budget since she moved out. Last weekend she took a trip out of town with 10 of her girlfriends so I know that is what did it. She doesn't have enough money to do that sort of stuff and she has already maxed out the credit she opened up in her name when she first moved out.
I am at a loss on what to do but this is getting old. I mean I know the hardline stance is sorry go figure it out. If i did that it would be hard for me to do because I still think big picture and if this goes to D how would that play out??? When she does this it impacts me as well because it impacts my budget also. I know most folks would say tough you need to go figure it out, I just don't think it's the right thing to do, I mean we are technically still married. I refuse to give her the credit card with the large limit on it and her name is not on it, the card is in my name. I guess my thought process is that I know she is struggling with money and I also know the kids wear thin on her when she has them for her week I guess I am just trying to not punish her since thats not my job.
If the D was in process this piece would be much easier......uggh.
How are you punishing her by telling her no? Explain? She didnt fulfill her responsibilities. You can keep propping her up. She has to live with her choices. Did you make her go out. NO! That's her choice make her live with it. When it comes to divorce and court, if you can prove she went out and didn't manage her money right and she is putting a strain on your pocket, then you should be alright.
How long will you keep bailing her out. Stop. She decided to go out and waste her money on a non need, you are being responsible. Keep it up. Good job.
Oh, I bet you look stunning. You probably look so good, It's driving crazy to even think about acknowledging it. Now you have more fuel on that fire you are building.
Her world is def not stable right now. Stay strong.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hey all.....just checking in. I took a 1/2 day today to be the Mystery Reader for my 1st grader in her classroom. Essentially parents volunteer to come in a read to the class. The teacher gives them clues to who the reader is and they have to guess. Unfortunately my youngest is sick so she was not at school today but I went in and read to the class anyway and then hit the gym. I signed up for another day anyway when she will be there. The kids love it when their parents come to class! OMG yes they do love it. ^^^And she will remember it forever.
No plans tonight, I went out last night after my D's soccer practice with a few buddies to watch Thursday night football. We have soccer games all day tomorrow starting at 8 am so I need to get my rest. I love watching my D's play, yes I am one of those types of parents.
My W and I swapped days next week since the kids are out of school on Monday for Columbus Day. Since she is a teacher she will be off so I told her I would take them on Sunday since she is going to have them on Monday and next week is my week. Just trying to be a good co-parent and as long as I don't feel as though i am being taken advantaee of I don't see anything wrong with it.
I feel as though I have kind of reached a comfort zone in my sitch. I think when i first got here I was kind of like a bull in a china shop or the Tazmainian Devil. Just bouncing around all over the place getting so many things thrown at you, analyzing every conversation. Is she disrespecting me? Do I have boundaries and what are they? Am I initiating too much contact? Am I talking too much to her? Etc. etc. etc. Now I feel like I am just being me. I still do not talk about our R or D and I don't initiate anything however I don't find myself trying to play games any more. IF she texts I text back, if I can take my girls i take them, if I have some extra children's allergy medicine and she asks for it sure I will bring it. This is me, this is who I am. Take it or leave it. For me doing anything else would be vindictive or I would just be doing it to prove a point. At the end of the day what is it going to get me? I don't want to be scared and not "step into" the conversation. i don't want to hide and run scared. If this gets me a D then so be it, it doesn't bother me anymore. IF she called me up right now I would tell her to go file if that is what she wants and I would not have that sinking feeling in my stomach any longer. Hey though this is my sitch, I would probably feel differently if my W was doing some of things others are experiencing. I guess I don't really give a $hit anymore 1 way or another.
So Sunday I have my girls and we will be decorating the outside of our house for halloween. There is a dollar store about 3 blocks away that we will be walking to so they can pick out some stuff. Then we will be heading to the local Pumpkin Patch to pick out pumpkins and have some fun. Our neighbors on both sides and across the street from us all of kids the same age and they al go to the same school. We have lived in our house for 8 years and they have all grown up together. Every year they all go trick or treating together as a group and we take a picture every year, under the same tree, which is super cool because you can see them growing throughout the years.
I know we are entering the time of year with Halloween and Christmas that is going to be rough. I know this will be the first time for me in 16 yrs that we won't be together as a family. I just hope we all find the strength to power through, stay in the moment and not let our minds wonder to those dark places.
^^^^my favorite post of yours (I mean, so far.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25....yeah I am feeling real good. I still think about the W but when I see her my emotions are not the same.
For example, when we were at my D soccer game I could tell something was wrong with her. So I asked, "Is everything ok?" She said, "yes" but i knew that was not the truth. Then a few minutes later she commented that the girls were being difficult with her. I just said, "I understand, I know that can be frustrating" and just went about my business. I wasn't going to let it impact me, it's her deal not mine and she can't blame her unhappiness on my any more so I didn't really care. BTW I knew she was goin to struggle with having the girls a week at a time. She has no patiences and can only handle them in small doses. Also it is probably hard to keep them entertained in a 1000 sq ft apt.
Took my girls to church this morning then went shaopping for groceries and a few more halloween decorations for the front of house. I got the yard mowed, decorations put up and now the girls are at choir practice. They wanted to order pizza tonight so I am sure daddy will make that happen.
I take them back to their mom's tomorrow morning and they have soccer camp in the morning. Then they are spending the night at a friends house so I will get them on Tuesday morning. I plan on taking them to the pumpkin patch on Tuesday so they can pick out their pumpkins and get them some corn dogs!
LOL...thanks Blu and JJ just doing my thing. I have realized through this process that my W walked away from a great person. Sure I got a little lazy and was naïve to Love Languages and the nuances of relationships but I have always done these types of things with my girls and I always supported my W. I have had this re-enforced through my IC sessions as we have discussed my opportunities. I am truly content with who I am as a person and what I bring to the table in relationships. I will be smarter next time and add some new elements but the core of who I am is awesome!
I don't know what my W is going through or why she felt like she did. She couldn't even explain it to me so if she can't how would I figure it out? I have no anger, only empathy for her and sadness. I hope she truly finds the happiness she is looking for.
It's funny because that don't what they want sure as hell don't know what they want.
We as LBS watch as our WS go into this form of decay, while we get to a higher place spiritually, a better place mentally and physically and if don't right our WS are probably like how. Some might even think, wow, maybe I was holding my S back.
The work we put in becomes a blessing for all around us even our WS.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I am at a loss on what to do but this is getting old. I mean I know the hardline stance is sorry go figure it out. If i did that it would be hard for me to do because I still think big picture and if this goes to D how would that play out??? When she does this it impacts me as well because it impacts my budget also. I know most folks would say tough you need to go figure it out, I just don't think it's the right thing to do, I mean we are technically still married.
I totally get where you are coming from. There might be some here that would say "screw her, that's her problem" but I happen to agree with you that you may have some financial responsibility towards her. I can't keep up with the exact details of everyone's sitches but if you were making most or all of the money in the M and will be subject to paying alimony then you do have some responsibility there and should help her out some if it's within your means. Also I do agree with your point that NOT doing so may accelerate her into pushing the D through simply for financial reasons, so that's a consideration too.
Isn't that ironic. The WW is actively having an A and wants to leave you. But yet your somehow financially obligated to this person. Just adding salt to the wound.
Thanks AS, just trying to strike a balance so I dont come off as vindictive or trying to punish her. I also don't think lecturing her on her inability to stay on track with her budget would be effective either. I have offered to sit down again and re-visit the situation as well which she declined. I guess I wil just have to figure my way through it. I appreciate your support.
On a side note I hope everyone is well and had a good day. Feeling good, hit the gym this AM and then took my D's and dogs to the dog park for a bit. Then we came home and played outside for a while, the weather in TX was beautiful today.
This may go against Db principals but I said WTF. My texted and said she was coming over to bring the girls to me for the week. She also indicated she wasn't feeling good and thinks she caught the virus my youngest had last week. I told her i was sorry and to feel better, I also told her let me know if she needed anything. She didn't want to come in so she asked me to leave the garage door open so she could just put the stuff in the garage. I told her NP and I had a couple cans of tomato soup and crackers so I put that in the garage for her. After she left she sent me a text with a picture of the items saying LOL....thank you. Being the suave guy I am I didn't respond. Just trying to be the bigger person.......that's how I roll
and wants to leave you. But yet your somehow financially obligated to this person. Just adding salt to the wound.
what are you talking about? Did I miss something?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25...not sure. I was never able to confirm if my W was having an affair before she moved out. I always did and do suspect something (girls gone wild at minimum). Once she moved out I stopped snooping so maybe T was talking in general terms.
Not much new going on. We had parent teacher conference last night for my youngest D and both me and the W went. I expected my W, at some point, during the meeting to ask the teacher if there were any behavioral issues my D was having because of our sitch (pending D, SEP or whatever) but she never brought it up. The teacher also referred to me as "your husband" at one point during the conversation to my W which I expected her to correct as well but she didn't.
The funny thing is I used to read into this sort of stuff before now I don't really give a crap. I actually almost told the teacher myself but obviously I showed some restraint :0
[quote=Joseph9]25...not sure. I was never able to confirm if my W was having an affair before she moved out. I always did and do suspect something (girls gone wild at minimum). Once she moved out I stopped snooping so maybe T was talking in general terms.
Not much new going on. We had parent teacher conference last night for my youngest D and both me and the W went. I expected my W, at some point, during the meeting to ask the teacher if there were any behavioral issues my D was having because of our sitch (pending D, SEP or whatever) but she never brought it up. I just gotta say i would not expect her to do so. (At least not in front of you).
In fact, if anything, you might hear more of the "kids are resilient, what's the big deal/they'll be fine"mantras.
The teacher also referred to me as "your husband" at one point during the conversation to my W which I expected her to correct as well but she didn't.
your w does not want to raise any parental concerns on the teacher's end. God forbid the teacher say one of the kids seems distracted or having anger problems.
There's no reason for your w to correct the teacher or tell people at school, and unfortunately, I would read nothing at all into her refraining from a correction.
Sorry.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey 25, thanks.....this is why I have learned that mind reading does no good!! I will just keep on keeping on!! At least Blu gave me the DBer of the month award
Hi everyone, I hope you all are having a good weekend!
Wrapping up my final hours with my girls for the week, I am sad they will be leaving for the week and although it is nice to have some quiet time I am miss them terribly and all their little noises when they are gone. At this point in time this is what causes most of my anger towards my W.
We had a good weekend. Took them out to dinner on Thursday night and played some games which was fun! We had soccer games yesterday, which they both won and each of them scored a goal so that was great. My W was there and was in a good mood. We discussed an upcoming wedding which was a little awkward. The invitation was sent to our house and we never RSVP'd. The bride reached out to me and asked if we were going. I apologized and said yes although she did not reach out to my W and I didn't say anything to her. The W asked about it on Saturday and I told her the date, she asked if the invitation got sent to the house and I said yes. She then said we never RSVP'd and I told her that the bride reached out to me directly and left it at that. I assume she read between the lines but it's not my job to invite her, look out for her or explain it to her.
At our D's second game she sat next to me and at one point in time reached out and touched me. Which is very abnormal for her but I just brushed it off and acted like it wasn't nothing. Saturday night one of my D's went over to a friends house so I took my oldest out for yogert. They like to add their own toppings so it was fun to watch!
This morning we went to church and now they are just playing with each other as I watch football. Tonight they have choir practice and then after practice we are volunteering at the church to make xmas presents for underprivledged families that get shipped overseas. I am looking forward to it not only for the girls but also because it was one of my personal goals. I texted the W and told her we were volunteering and asked if she could pick them up 1 hr later and she said no problem.
I am taking pride in this as I feel I am moving on with my life and providing structure for my girls. I am not trying to comete with her to be a better parent but I know she is not doing these things with them so if nothing else I know I am carrying on with the family structure which I know at this age they really need.
I only hope she will wake up in time so she can enjoy these things with us but at this point in time I am happy with where I am at with the girls and myself personally. I will admit though that I do miss my W.
Just wanted to chime in as I watch my Oakland Raiders. I think you are continuing doing a great job DBing. I am sorry you miss your wife. That's the beauty of in house separation instead of missing them you learn to resent them for the person they have become which helps with detachment.
Hang in there man this nightmare won't last forever. I promise.
The RAAAAAAAAdars! They got themselves a ballgame today!
I appreciate the kind words and definately understand what your saying. Obviously I miss the my old W and I am sure if I knew more I probably wouldn't like this one.
Packing up your kids clothes in their suitcase, doing their laundry, cleaning up their bedrooms and shutting the doors for the week is tough. It is getting easier but man it is hard staying calm and not getting really angry at her.
Man yesterday was rough for some reason. I had kid exchange around 7:30 last night, W seemed to be in a weird mood acting like she wanted to hang out and talk. I just gave her the kids stuff, gave them hugs and kisses, then took off. In and out in less than 5 minutes, I told her "See ya" she said "have a good week" and off I went. I then got in my car and cried my eyes out all the way home. I hadn't done that in a couple of months. The emotions I felt were more about not seeing my D's this week than feelings for my W. I miss her but I know that I am and will be totally fine without her.
Yeah man, these emotions come at weird times. You'll think you're doing great, and then BAM! And at least for me, it's sometimes hard to pinpoint why I'm even crying.
Missing your D's will take some time to deal with. Sorry for your pain.
[[[[[J9]]]]]
(manly hugs use brackets )
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
L....no not yet. I don't know what it was about yesterday, I guess it was just one of those days. If I continue to feel this way then I will explore something different with the W. I will just continue to monitor my feelings. Honestly it really isn't even a full week since I see them at soccer practice during the week and games on Saturdays.
Don't know what my deal was.......I need to lock it back in.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are not even 5 months in yet.
I remember back in February my wife my W took the kids to California on a trip w/o me for the first time. I was enjoying my alone time for the first 5 days. Day 6 comes and I don't know what happened but I went to the floor sobbing uncontrollably for like a half hour. It literally came out of no where.
I haven't shed any tears in awhile. I am sure I will we she moves out but it will be about the kids.
I have no feelings for my wife right now. I miss the family unit and the things we all use to do together but that's it.
I talked to my wife's cousin at my daughter's football and she commented how happy I look and that my wife doesn't seem happy at all. I think the stress is starting to get to her regarding the reality of everything. Last week we were discussing the D and she said to me "you will pretty much be putting the kids on the bus every day" I said "uh no I won't, only the days I have them". She honestly thought on days she had them and she worked that I would come over her house and put them on the bus. She said "your not going to do that for me" my response was "ummmmmmmm.... no that's called marriage"
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are not even 5 months in yet.
Thanks.....inching closer!
Quote:
I haven't shed any tears in awhile. I am sure I will we she moves out but it will be about the kids.
I have no feelings for my wife right now. I miss the family unit and the things we all use to do together but that's it.
Most of my emotions now are about the kids. I know I have feelings for my W still, they are buried deep in there though. I think I miss the family unit the most as well. I just keep telling myself that it's not the same and it doesn't do any good to live in the past. I try to stay in the moment the best I can.
Quote:
I talked to my wife's cousin at my daughter's football and she commented how happy I look and that my wife doesn't seem happy at all. I think the stress is starting to get to her regarding the reality of everything
Your D plays football????? WOW! You being happy will eat at her more than anything. That is AWESOME!!
IMO the begging, pleading, controlling, etc. all feeds into their current pumped up egos. It just gives them something to talk to their GF about and I refuse to be that guy.
Quote:
Last week we were discussing the D and she said to me "you will pretty much be putting the kids on the bus every day" I said "uh no I won't, only the days I have them". She honestly thought on days she had them and she worked that I would come over her house and put them on the bus. She said "your not going to do that for me" my response was "ummmmmmmm.... no that's called marriage"
LOL....that is great! It does sound like the reality of situation is setting in. They react solely on emotion, don't think things through then act like your supposed to carry on BAU. My W has done the same thing in a few situations.
When is your D final and when is she moving out? When are you telling the kids? Do they have any clue about whats going on?
No clue. The legal process is sooooooooooooo slow. We have agreed to pretty much everything. Accept she still thinks she is getting more support then she will be getting. That's going to be a rude awakening.
She has talked about getting an apartment but I can't see that happening until at least after Christmas.
Still holding off talking to the kids until she is ready to move out (IC suggestion). Surprisingly, they don't ask questions and we don't do anything together other then eat dinner. My daughter is young and boys are really clueless at this age.
Obviously she is not in hurry, makes you wonder if she has regrets and now she feels like she can't turn back out of pride. I have read where sometimes that is the case.
I would agree with the kids, no use telling them you absolutely have to. The good news is that with you being in such a mentally good spot it will make it easier on them.
Obviously she is not in hurry, makes you wonder if she has regrets and now she feels like she can't turn back out of pride. I have read where sometimes that is the case.
Nah. That just leads me to believe that there is no real OM just a fantasy or he is married.
Her sister and cousin have asked her to go to IC and she has said no to both. I won't go back to the old marriage.
Nah. That just leads me to believe that there is no real OM just a fantasy or he is married.
I feel the same way about mine even though it is early on. Either she is chasing the fantasy or he is married. IMO she truly enjoys her apartment, having a week off at a time from our children and hanging out/partying with her girlfriends.
IMO she truly enjoys her apartment, having a week off at a time from our children and hanging out/partying with her girlfriends.
Yep and I get that for right now. Just like when they were younger and going out and partying all the time until they got sick of that and wanted to get married.I think AS put it best when he said taking care of kids, doing laundry and cleaning toilets isn't sexy.
The single life I am sure will be fun at first. Until the fantasy becomes a reality and they realize the pool to choose from is slim pick ems. Then money starts to get tight which puts more stress in their lives. Soon turning 50 approaches and all they want is safety and security in their life and their children home seven days a week.
In the mean time we have done all the work and finally understand relationships and have our $hit totally together and we end up meeting the woman of our dreams.
That happens all the time on here AS, Accuray, Kaizen etc. It's called karma baby!
I can't wait it either. Even though I wish all the best for her, I guess I would still like to see karma striking. Guess that's an ego thing. Well, at some point we won't even care if karma ever strikes or not.
About the crying, I know your pain. Each time I leave my kids my mood swings down. At least the pain seems to have diminished a bit if compared to how it was at the beginning.
This emotional roller coaster definitely [censored] though.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Alright...I am back on the horse!! Had a great workout tonight at the gym. Nothing better to chase away some blues than to get your testosterone up! Hit the grocery store now just sitting on the couch, drinking a beer and watching some Monday night football!
Got $50 bucks on the Colts +6.5. Getting my GAL on!!
Well. here I am 4 months to the date in our separation and I am feeling strong!!! My mom told me yesterday how proud she was of me for how I have handled this situation and it brought a few tears to my eyes. Right after bomb drop I called her every morning and every night to talk about how things were going. I am not sure what I would do without her!
I have not broke or engaged in any R or D talks with my W in over 3 months. I have been nice, cordial, I think for the most part have treated her like a friendly neighbor. There has been some give and take with the children schedule but I don't feel as though I am being taken advantage of or disrespected, I am just trying to be a good co-parent. I have kept my distance and do not ask her any type of Who, What, When, Where, or Why type of questions. All of our conversations are pretty high level.
Early on I could feel her anger and contempt towards me. I do feel that has changed and she does not seem to carry the same type of resentment she did before. Obviously that is a good thing in my opinion and I have made the right moves to defuse the situation.
I am not sure how long I will be able to go. Right now I am in this mainly for my children and to some degree myself but I do know I will be fine either way. Through this process I have learned that I am a kind, caring, compassionate man who has a lot of love to give. I am happy with who I see when I look in the mirror and I realized through this process that I always have been I sacrificed a lot of my own emotions and feelings for my W and I realize that now. If I was a stronger person back then, armed with the knowledge I have now I would have been the first person to challenge our relationship and where it was going. I was unhappy as well and even though I kind of new it, I just thought this is married life.
Now I get it....none of us should have to sacrifice. All of us deserve to find that type of love either in our current sitch or in our next.
I sacrificed a lot of my own emotions and feelings for my W and I realize that now. If I was a stronger person back then, armed with the knowledge I have now I would have been the first person to challenge our relationship and where it was going. I was unhappy as well and even though I kind of new it, I just thought this is married life.
Yeah this is the part that is quite interesting. When AS had written about the LBS and WAS/WW both having this foggy mindset which was polar opposites, and how time clears it up for the LBS.
I spent so much time early in the sitch thinking how I totally effed up everything and how it was all my fault. Over time I realized that I was also unhappy and that I wanted some things in the MR that I wasn't getting and I chalked it up to just married life and being an adult - you don't always get what you want, but the ship wasn't too rocky for me and so I could hang on.
Just like you, if I was stronger and had the knowledge that I have now, I would've challenged the relationship and tried to see how it could be worked on.
I forget what the exact phrase is, but I've seen it a few times on the board - the difference between the LBS and WAS/WW is timing of the BD.
Rock on month 5! I need to look at my BD timeline and figure out which month I am on lol. I think I am about the same timeline as you.
So a couple of interesting interactions have occurred the past couple of days. On Sunday night, when I dropped the kids off my W acted like she wanted to hang out and talk. I didn't my normal in and out, 3 minutes tops, but her body language seemed different. She just seemed weird like trying to non-verbally try to talk to me.
Monday morning I get a random email from her commenting on an email that we had received from our oldest's soccer coach. He referred to our family by name in the email so she forwarded it to me asking if I saw that our family got a shot out by him (I did but didn't think it was as big of deal as she did). I thought it was interesting since she doesn't want to be part of the family but I was like whatever. I also didn't think it was something she needed to reach out to me for.
Then this morning she sends me a text letting me know that our oldest didn't do so well on her spelling or math tests. I mean I am glad she is letting me know but I don't think that is critical information to text to me at 7:30 am. Again I was like whatever but it just seems like lame reasons to reach out to me.
I know I am looking for signs and I shouldn't be but I can't help to make observations on her behavior as I continue down this path. I know it doesn't mean she wants to recon or anything like that but I do believe her stance has softened probably because I have applied absolutely no pressure to her. It does make me wonder what she is thinking in her head, I know it's really not important but she was done, ready to file and here we are almost 5 months later and nothing has happened. The longer this goes on the more control she looses every day.
I do hope she feels that I am moving forward with my life, doing things for myself and enjoying the time with my children. Most importantly I feel great with where I am at mentally. Man those first 1.5 to 2 months where hell!
Joseph, I've been slow to provide my thoughts because I really am basing them mostly on my guy feeling/reaction to what you have been relaying about your situation. We all know how dangerous that can be, however, I actually do often have a good sense. Take it for what it's worth but here's my thoughts...
No doubt about it, from what you are writing you are handling this well - very well. Your challenge is to keep on going just as you are as I think it's working. That's going to be hard because it's already been three months which seems like a really, really long time, but honestly it will take a lot longer. Don't backslide and try to rush this and do your best not to give up.
I'm more confident about the fact that at some point your W is going to really regret what she has done. It may not be until after a D but one way or another, it seems clear - again from what you write. I may think differently if I actually was in the same room with the two of you but based on your reports, she is at least conflicted. That's why she is doing some of the things she is doing.
I would not at all be surprised if this does work out for you - or at least start to work out for you. Many of the things your W is doing mine did as well. It took from June until January for her to decide to try to work on the R. Sadly, that only lasted for about three months and our C was zero help and I actually even think she didn't want us to get back together. I can't prove that, again it's just my gut. So the point is, even if she does come back and try, it still may not work but I strongly think that is coming and you may be one of the few here with a happy ending.
Her coming to stand by you at games could be guilt or it could be she is just comfortable to do that. It could also be more. Clearly coming up with reasons to contact you is a good sign. Again, it would be mind reading on any of our parts to try to figure out why but regardless of the why, it's a good thing.
On the other hand, she could still have her mind made up and is just trying to be nice and co-parent. That is possible. My suggestions for you are you keep doing what you are doing for as long as you can. But then also, be ready for what to do should she take things to the next level. If it happens, this too will be critical to your sitch as often they will retreat back soon after. You will need to remain as detached as you are now - shrug it off, like, Um yeah, sure we can go to this event just the two of us or whatever it is.
You are the one that can make this happen. I know it's hard as hell to do but you are doing great. Either way, you are going to be fine - I just have this gut feeling you might be better than fine!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hey L.....I was thinking back to the BD and the begging, pleading, crying etc. How at that point in time they have something that you want and that initially controls you. Then as you begin to detach, get your balls back, etc. you realize that what she has to offer isn't as important as maybe you thought it was so that control no longer exists.
Like a mental shift when you stop chasing, pursuing and you move in the opposite direction, and you just live for yourself the things you do aren't driven by this desire to get her back. It's not something that control you that she can hang over your head any more. for example, if she comes knocking for sex to have the ability to say "no", not interested.....I think at that point she has lost some of her control that we as men have given women.
Joseph, I've been slow to provide my thoughts because I really am basing them mostly on my guy feeling/reaction to what you have been relaying about your situation. We all know how dangerous that can be, however, I actually do often have a good sense. Take it for what it's worth but here's my thoughts...
Hi Don, wow you have been here for a long time . We appreciate you sticking around and offering us newbies your wisdom!
There have been a lot of great people on this board, some who currently are active and others who I have literally spent hours reading about, who are no longer active, that have really helped me get to this point. I have list of about 10 or so that I continue to read which helps me continue to move forward and provide inspiration as crazy as it sounds!
Quote:
Your challenge is to keep on going just as you are as I think it's working. That's going to be hard because it's already been three months which seems like a really, really long time, but honestly it will take a lot longer. Don't backslide and try to rush this and do your best not to give up.
Thank you for the positive re-enforcement. I am really trying hard to not look in the past or the future but stay in the present. I read a post once that essentially said don't look at your sitch in months, years, etc but ask yourself can you do the next minute? The next second? The next day? If you view it like that it doesn't seem so impossible does it?
I have about 3 consistent months were I have not backslid but that hardest thing is remaining patient. Especially as you grow in confidence, learn your value as a man and know you are going to be great either way its hard. I like to use the example of the wounded dolphin that is found at sea, brought to a rescue facility, and once healthy are released back into the wild. Sometimes it is hard stay in the rehab tank!
Quote:
Many of the things your W is doing mine did as well. It took from June until January for her to decide to try to work on the R. Sadly, that only lasted for about three months and our C was zero help and I actually even think she didn't want us to get back together.
So what happened? Why did she come back and then it ultimately failed? What would you have done differently?
Quote:
be ready for what to do should she take things to the next level. If it happens, this too will be critical to your sitch as often they will retreat back soon after. You will need to remain as detached as you are now - shrug it off, like, Um yeah, sure we can go to this event just the two of us or whatever it is.
I have been reading a lot lately on this particular subject and what I would do if/when she wants to work on the MR and if/when she brings up the D word again. Outside of coming here first . I feel in a very strong, confident place where I would be able to articulate my needs and what would need to happen. At this point in time I have nothing to lose.
Quote:
You are the one that can make this happen. I know it's hard as hell to do but you are doing great. Either way, you are going to be fine - I just have this gut feeling you might be better than fine!
I really appreciate the vote of confidence, it means more than you know. This is a rollercoaster and at times you just need that pick me up and that encouragement to stay the course because outside of this board most of what you get from your friends is to move on, dump her, you can do better, etc.
Quote:
You have no control over her and she has no control over you.
Correct, I agree. I think you realize that once you begin to detach and going forward in my next relationship I know better than to give someone the feeling they have the control.
Quote:
Do you feel she thinks she in in control? If so, is she correct?
In the beginning I think she did but I think the dynamics have shifted some. I am definitely mind reading but I do feel it is shifting but it's hard to describe.
The control she had before was D and it being thrown out there. If she brings it up again I would tell her to go file if that is what she wants vs what I did before in telling her I didn't want one.
It's hard to convey that since I don't bring it up (D talk) so I think the control I have taken back would be with my actions. Not pursuing, distancing, not initiating contact etc. All the things that we are taught here that eventually over time will change the dynamics.
I do feel that there is starting to be some very small shifts. I will also say that I am no longer living in fear, I love my W, want our MR to work but I am not scared if it doesn't.
I thought it be would interesting to give you all some insight into the selfishness of my W.
She has our children this week and the company I work for bought a bunch of tickets to an amusement park. I can get them for free, including food vouchers so I know our girls would love to go.
So I sent my W an email this morning letting her know about them and since it is her week with them offering to get her tickets to take the girls.
Now, I am not a big amusement park person either but I am willing to go because I know my D's will love it.
So she responds back, with "Hi there, you know I am not a huge fan of the parks so you are welcome to have them".
I mean like really, it's not about you.
The good news is now I will have them and I will be taking them
Last edited by Cadet; 10/20/1710:42 PM. Reason: Combine posts
I thought it be would interesting to give you all some insight into the selfishness of my W.
She has our children this week and the company I work for bought a bunch of tickets to an amusement park. I can get them for free, including food vouchers so I know our girls would love to go.
So I sent my W an email this morning letting her know about them and since it is her week with them offering to get her tickets to take the girls.
Now, I am not a big amusement park person either but I am willing to go because I know my D's will love it.
So she responds back, with "Hi there, you know I am not a huge fan of the parks so you are welcome to have them".
I mean like really, it's not about you.
The good news is now I will have them and I will be taking them
hey, you know I'm on Team Joseph9.
And She is selfish, God knows. But to me, this^^^ is not a reflection of that.
(And it beats "Disneyland Mommy - who always has fun things to do! Not homework or dental appointments").
If YOU can get & use the tickets any time - why would she want to use her week for something she does not enjoy much, and or rely on you for the tickets?
So the girls are not missing anything by going another time, right?
I don't know which park you are referring to but in CA, the best holiday to go was Halloween. Man, I'd go with them and enjoy the he11 out of it.
For them, mostly but yeah, for some inner satisfaction for the petty parts of me...
Just a thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Saw my W for the first time this week last night at my D's soccer practice. I went to the gym before so I was wearing a tank and showed up looking jacked!
When I arrived she wasn't overly happy, talkative or engaging. Just sat in her lawn chair, either messing around on her phone or watching my D. I made some small talk here and there but for the most part was playing soccer with my youngest, doing my thing, acting happy and "as if". I probably only stood next to her and chatted for about 10 of the 50 minutes or so we were together.
Does me not acting a certain way have an effect on her? When she see's me acting happy, not pursuing her, asking questions, calling her, etc. does that make her mad? Does that cause them to act mad, etc. to see if they get some sort of reaction out of us? I am not talking about reconciling and her wanting to come back but if they are not getting the positive affirmation from the LBS how that impacts them emotionally? If we do not feed their ego's by pining away for them how does that change the thought process?
She definitely seems to be on a roller coaster of emotions which is pretty cool to observe from a distance. I feel like a Discovery Channel photographer in the wild observing the natural life of some wild animal.
Hi Don, wow you have been here for a long time . We appreciate you sticking around and offering us newbies your wisdom!
To be honest, I was gone for quite some time with only a quick return here now and then from about 2008 or 2009 until last year. I would stop in occasionally and still am FB friends with a few from 12 years ago but the reason I ended up coming back on a more regular basis was I was starting to wear out my real life friends, who didn't understand what I was going through anyhow. Not to scare you or others but I am not a good example of life goes on and you find someone else. My life actually is pretty great and I do very fine on my own but it's been 4 years since my last GF.
I've been divorced now for 11 years this month and have been in two relationships since - neither lasting much more than six months. I've gone out with, oh, I don't know a couple dozen women - many only one time. I pretty much gave up trying about 6 months ago. Interesting how I spoke to a group of nearly 100 people this past Tuesday, I clearly was in front of all of them, which is my comfort zone to be honest - I'd rather be in front of a group of 100 than in a group of 2 or 3 - but anyhow, in the past I would have scoped out to see if there is anyone I might be interested in - this time, I didn't even bother looking. I guess I really am detached and indifferent for the second time - W being the first. Then again, one of my clients is in a very small office with two office rentals and I noticed a new cutie has arrived. Notice was about all I've done though. Anyhow...
Quote:
So what happened? Why did she come back and then it ultimately failed? What would you have done differently?
I just wanted to answer this for you. What happened? I can't be positive. She clearly "was back" for a couple of months. Her behavior was night and day different but rather quickly it became obvious she was just going through the motions. It almost seemed like when her prior feelings didn't return immediately she gave up or at least pulled back. She also continued to work with her AP who she then later married - oh but "nothing happened until after we were divorced" - yeah, sure it didn't.
To be honest, it is for the best. She just never had the ability to be honest, that was clear. I did a whole bunch of things wrong - a whole bunch and I totally own up to them. But I was always honest about what I wanted and who I was. She started off the R by hiding the fact that she was very recently separated. She claimed her D was nearly final and they had been separated for well over a year. Not true. The truth was they were FIRST separated well over a year prior but then he came back. The last and final separation occurred in September - we met in November 1994. She claimed she was not at all interested in getting married again - until 6 months later when she started her campaign to marry me. She claimed she did not want more children. She had a D11 and S9 when we met and I went on to become as much of a parent as their real parents and still am in both of their lives. OTOH, she became pregnant again, on purpose, with the AP/new husband at the age of 46 or 47, miscarried and then adopted - much to the displeasure of her children. So she is now a grandmother of 3 - ages 4, 3 and 3 months and the mother of a special needs child age 4 as well. In fact, my step son's daughter's "aunt" is younger than she is by several months! So in the end, it was clear she wanted a different life - and most certainly wanted another child but was not willing to be honest with me about that. I really am better off without her but it has taken it's toll on me.
As to what I would have done differently, without a doubt the top of that list would have been to detach even more than I did. I did a fair job of it - obviously as it did bring her back for a time. However, I should have went beyond dark, not taken her calls, and really have moved on even more than I did. It may well have had a better effect on her and the situation. But, for all I know, I may have been the one leaving or at least not happy down the road years later.
I don't do high maintenance and she was much higher maintenance than she was willing to be honest about. I would have also gotten a better councilor for the R part. We actually had a very good C in skills but I think her own feelings got involved, she decided it would be best for W to D and rather than tell her that, when we asked for help in re-joining - she basically said, "well just do it," and then waited for things to fall apart and guided her to D.
Even after we were D'd, exW helped me do some things, shop to replace items she took from the home, etc. I was hospitalized and she came to see me every day - granted it was no real big deal and only lasted a few days but still. I was invited to family events with the kids - college graduation, etc. That abruptly stopped when she decided to buy a house with the AP and didn't at all want to tell me about it as she knew what I'd say - since it was what I said the night she dropped the bomb. From day one I said this guy was an AP, she continually denied it, and then married him. So much for the BS statistic that marriages that start off as affairs or even relationships that do, do not last. They have been married longer than we have at this point and with a 4 yr/o child, I'll bet it continues.
I do have a thread here if you want to find out more - although, fair warning, I don't post very much. I am headed over there now though to provide an update.
I do post now and then - mostly to those in surviving D but to a few others, like I did with you, as well. I'll keep watching what happens with you. Let's hope I'm right when I say that I think you have a decent chance.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Does me not acting a certain way have an effect on her? When she see's me acting happy, not pursuing her, asking questions, calling her, etc. does that make her mad? Does that cause them to act mad, etc. to see if they get some sort of reaction out of us? I am not talking about reconciling and her wanting to come back but if they are not getting the positive affirmation from the LBS how that impacts them emotionally? If we do not feed their ego's by pining away for them how does that change the thought process?
Joseph,
The answer to all of your questions is you're not detached. When you're detached, those questions won't be meaningful. Use those brain cycles to work on yourself.
The answer to all of your questions is you're not detached. When you're detached, those questions won't be meaningful. Use those brain cycles to work on yourself.
I have to agree with Doodler I think you are still looking for a reaction and that means your not detached. I get it I was doing the same thing 4 months ago.
When you say your "acting happy" does that mean you are happy or your pretending your'e happy?
I don't think I am acting (I feel like I am just being myself) but I know that I still have some work to do. I think I am making more of an observation than anything just because I have known her for 16 years. I guess the point is that if I was detached I wouldn't be asking these types of questions. I get that.
I think I am making more of an observation than anything just because I have known her for 16 years.
I get it, but again she is not the same person that you knew for the last 16 years. I am totally convinced now that they will never be that person again.
DBers use words like fog, MLC, limerence etc so they can put a label on why this is happening. I use to do the same thing. Took a MLC test online and answered the questions how I thought my wife would. Test came back she was MLC. Then I thought wow I just have to wait this out and she would snap out of it.
Sometimes people just change, grow apart or have different goals and values.
Is it unfair that one person gets to make the decision to break up a family for three other people? Absolutely! But my mother always use to tell me son life isn't fair.
Will there be consequences down the road for them? Fck yeah there will be and they will have to deal with them accordingly.
If I have learned one thing from this process it's that I will never ever again try to keep someone in my life that doesn't want to be in it.
Again boss, you are doing great just keep getting better everyday.
Man that's a great question. It's been actually 3 years since I moved out.
Positives: Got to spend 3 more years living as a family with my kids. I will never have to explain to my kids why I filed for divorce and can look my kids in the eye and say "dad made some mistakes in life, but dad did everything he could do to keep this family together.
Negatives Those three years were h$ll because I knew for the most part her heart wasn't into it. I guessing I would be in a very good place right now.
It's tough but I am of the mindset that everything is happening exactly the way it is supposed to happen so I try not to have any regrets.
"I will never have to explain to my kids why I filed for divorce and can look my kids in the eye and say "dad made some mistakes in life, but dad did everything he could do to keep this family together."
^^^^^^ This means a lot to me.
I think you can make it until after Christmas can't you?
My counselor once told me that if a separation goes past 6 months the likely hood of divorce increases significantly.
Yes...I can make it. I could longer but like you said earlier I don't want to try to keep someone in my life that doesn't want to be in it. My value is to great. Outside of not finding another female companion I am good right now (but I know that will get old). I am enjoying doing my thing, having some alone time etc.
It is about the family for me as you stated. It means a lot to me for my D's to know that daddy never gave up.
To be honest, I don't understand this 'giving up' thing that the LBS's hang on to. I am asking sincerely, not trying to be rude.
How is it that you gave up when the other person just destroyed it all in one go? You can't do $hit if the other person has no desire to work on the MR, no matter how many gold medals you get in DB olympics. So, why does filing for D 'giving up'. Wouldn't the kids learn when they're older that the WAS/WW is the one who gave up?
I am just struggling with this concept because it seems unfair to the LBS - as if all the burden is on us to figure out a way.
LOL....well she is a female I get what your saying, makes sense!
What up M......The way I view giving up might not be actually giving up vs standing for the MR. When I think of my kids, I know they would rather have their family back together in a loving, functional relationship. If they had a vote I know what their vote would be. So for me if I have to go through some pain to make their vote be heard then I will do it.
There is 1 person in the relationship already making a selfish decision.....there doesn't need to be 2.
All my friends are in at best par to sub par marriages but 1 and he is clinically depressed due to his job.
I look at it this way, I am way ahead of the game because I will either be single and happy just casually dating, get into a really great relationship with another woman, or a my W wakes up one day and says WTF did I do and does all the hard work and we get back together.
Either way I have my kids, my family, my friends, my health, a great job. I really can't go wrong.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/20/1710:40 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
)