What if the W couldn't pay her share or said she couldn't? Then you had to make the decision on whether or not you could afford to pay it all if you wanted them to have it etc?
What if the W couldn't pay her share or said she couldn't? Then you had to make the decision on whether or not you could afford to pay it all if you wanted them to have it etc?
Yes, that's correct.
If it's something that just my sons and I are doing together (i.e. no XW involved), I always pay the entire cost. If it's a school field trip, then I split the cost with my XW.
That's what I thought.....I guess I just have to take her for her word for the next 20 years or so. I find myself talking to her more now and coordinating things then we did while we lived under the same roof.
I find myself talking to her more now and coordinating things then we did while we lived under the same roof.
It's good that you two are doing a better job of communicating. You know, in the future, if she has any medical issues that she's unable to pay for, you can tell her that you can't afford to help her financially, but you'd be willing to play doctor if necessary. I don't think that's really DB, but you don't have to tell anyone that you were playing doctor with her. It's just a passing thought (Dr. Doodler loved making house calls).
LOL.....I think it is ok to play Dr as long as you remain detached right???
She opens up when she wants to and then can turn it to all business very quickly. I don't know if she catches herself being nice then decides to pull back, maybe she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression or if it is her way of keeping herself strong emotionally. It's obvious she has some inner turmoil going on.
I find that my W is nice to me usually because she's feeling very guilty about everything. Right now with the move, she's like what do you need? can i help? can i clean? Im like - get outta here, I don't need your help lol.
I am sure she's trying to be kind, but I really don't have any space within myself to receive her help after all this.
Your W might be nice to soften the convo if it's going to be a difficult one, or it could be because of the reasons you noted.
Many times people wonder whether or not to have sex with their estranged spouses. Here's my response:
As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.
For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.
Having said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.
Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.
I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."
But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.
One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.
I appreciate MWD's advice and it is nuanced for sure. However, I don't know if I'd like to be my W's booty call. If I was going to have some booty I might as well venture out and find some new women to have fun.
OTOH, I'm definitely missing having a sex life so if W showed up with some definite ideas, I dunno what I'd do.
Hmmm.. I think my chances of getting hit by a truck are higher before she ever shows up lol.
I think my W actually enjoys having our children part time. In her mind this is the perfect set up. She can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone. I
This is another unattractive characteristic of a wayward. She may put up a fight to have full custody, but she doesn't want them full time. That would impose on her time too much.
This is another difference I see in the WAW and the WW. The emotional disconnect the wayward has toward her parents, old friends, and even her children.
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I guess her lack of cash is not waking her up...........
Here's the thing. She's going to have her "Poor Me" pity parties, first. She'll try it in her H to see how much she can get out of him (and she may go to great lengths.....like giving his sex). She will try to get money from her parents (calling it "loans", or promising to pay it back).
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My W just came back and said she could pay for a portion of what we were talking about. Since our finances are separated I have no idea how much money she has or doesn't have. So if we split things 50/50 and she says she can't pay for something. I guess at that point it is my decision if I want to pay for it 100% depending on how bad I want my D's to go or have it or participate in it?
Well. all the fathers of the year may disagree with me, but this is the reality of divorce. The kids don't get as much as they would before the D. I haven't read the other replies, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone doesn't say, "Your child should not be punished b/c of the D, or b/c of her mother". Well, that lays a big guilt trip on Dad, doesn't it? I don't go along with that type of guilt advice about the kids.
Look, her telling you she can pay a only a portion is completely unacceptable. If you cover her part this time.....you will be covering her part in everything that comes along. So, bite the bullet and tell her it looks as if D won't be able to go. Then be ready for WW to pull the guilt card and use on you. Don't fall for it. It's the nature of the beast.
This is divorce! It would be better for your daughter to miss out on this event, and maybe her mother will put more effort into paying her part of the next event. But, WW won't do it, as long as she can play the H.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
