Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H and I have been married 13 years. 2nd marriage for both of us. We both have 2 children each, all out of the house on their own.
For 10 years we had a great marriage. Then 3 years ago, H got a great job opportunity that we decided to take, so we moved from Alabama to New Jersey, and he went to work in NYC. Huge salary change, huge job change, but great apartment right on the Hudson with view of NYC. To say our entire lives were upended would be an understatement.
Looking back, it was too much, too quickly. We should have started in MC, just to be better able to handle all the changes. The first year, we had a steady stream of family and friends visiting, and we did all the touristy stuff with them. Then H's younger sister had her cancer return, and we came back to AL to spend her last month with her. We still owned a small business in AL which I ran from NJ, and just a crew do the actual physical work. While we were here for H's sister, we realized that my "crew" was not doing the job they were portraying to me, and I knew they would need more supervision. Rather than shuffle around in relative's homes and/or hotels, we rented a small apartment here to use as a part time office for me, and I began spending a good bit of time here cleaning up the business. We did that for a year, and the time spent apart began to take its toll on us, although we didn't recognize the red flags.
Last year in October we found a foreclosed house here in AL, and decided to buy it, give up the apartment, and re-do the house. The plan at the time was to flip it, but we both fell in love with it, so decided to fix it up and use it as an office/2nd home for when we were here, and eventually retire here.
When I flew back to NJ at Christmas, something had changed. H was not himself. In what seemed like overnight, H distanced himself from me. When pushed about why, he confessed to a one night stand and said he needed some time apart. He admitted to drinking too much, and appeared to be very depressed and full of shame and guilt. I agreed to return to AL and give him some time. I was shocked and hurt, but truly believed him when he said we could work through this, if I was willing to take him back.
That turned into about 4 months of NC. He dropped all communication with not only me, but his family here in AL. He was given new, more demanding responsibilities at his job, and seemed to be living for only that. About April, he began to contact me, a little at a time, and started asking about us spending some time together. After I agreed, he planned a visit here, which over the course of the next 2 months, he postponed 4 times. It was a very roller-coaster time for me, the whole limbo kind of thing.
In many ways, it was harder than the NC, because now there was some hope for R, where before it had seemed to be over for good.
Then over the 4th of July, I discovered that he had flown to Dominican Republic with another woman. I broke into his phone records and realized he had a daily texting dialogue going on with her, that dated back to about late March.
I flipped my lid, told him I was filing for D, and went to see a lawyer, who drew up D papers. H turned 50 that month. Also found out he was going to be a grandfather. The lawyer did a horrible job with the D papers, and after several weeks, I fired him and found another one.
During that time, H came to AL to go with his extended family on an annual beach trip. While he was here, I asked to see him, to discuss D options. We spent an afternoon together, and realized maybe neither of us was quite ready to throw the M out just yet. Since then, he has come back twice and spent a week each time.
That's where we are right now. I still have an appt. with the new attorney Nov 6, and I've asked H for us to take a break, think about the visits and all that was said between us, and try to both get a clearer view of what each of us wants for the future.
I don't know if he is still in contact with OW. I don't look anymore. I'm living my life for me right now, and not giving him free rent in my head, although it's a struggle for me.
I'm not sure if this is a MLC for him, but the signs are there. He admits to being very messed up, and has asked me to not give up hope for a future for us, but he has not shown the remorse nor commitment to R that it would take for me to even consider R. I don't know if he ever will. And I won't settle for less than that. So right now, we're in a holding pattern in our relationship.
I'm trying to just become the best me I can be, live life one day at a time, enjoy the life I have, and trust that if and when the time comes for one of us to file, we will know. Right now it is best for me financially to remain married. But if he files before I do, then I'm prepared for that.
He will be very busy the next couple of months with his job and a move into a new office building, so we have no plans about when we'll see each other again.
And that's my story..... I have enjoyed reading others' threads on this forum, and think this will be a better fit for me than Newcomers.
I'm so thankful for finding this place. I don't know where I'd be without it. Certainly not as strong or as focused, and probably would still be breaking all the DB rules on a daily basis.
Struggling through my 13th wedding anniversary today, but so far, so good. I'm a strong little bit@h. I got this. (That's not to say a glass or two of wine won't be involved by bedtime tonight.)
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I like the way you handled things and the way you let go so quickly
Glad you got yourself a nice gift too!
sometimes I wonder if tough love is a better choice to go when spouse is having an affair Not easy but in your situation, it may pay off maybe you will make the choice
have a good night peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you peace and ownit, but in all honesty.....
I DO NOT HAVE THIS. It hurts tonight.
The universe always has a way of balancing things though. My son's partner just showed up unexpectedly to spend the night, and my long lost girlfriend from NY just called, out of nowhere. She just said she's had me on her mind all day.
I am SO TEMPTED to text H and go all sarcastic, but I would not be pleased with myself in the morning.
There will come a point where he will remember it was our anniversary, and he will say something. But I'll be DAMMED if I will be moved by it or respond to it.
Today was a huge factor for me. I had no expectations, which is why I am not sad tonight.
But I did see it as a turning point for me. So there it is.
Hopefully I can make it until bedtime and not text him.
THERE WILL COME A TIME. But it's not tonight.
If anyone is reading and can give me a few seconds, it sure would help me to have some encouragement to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT and leave him alone. Only 5 hours to go until it's not our anniversary anymore. I truly think after that, I will be hardened enough to not even be tempted. Maybe I will be able to see him as the a$$hole that he is.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Hang in there. Stay dark. Future Leah will thank you.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
kml- does it work on fingers on the texting pad? LOL My mouth I can control. It's the texting piece that usually gets me.
Rose- Today's Leah DOES thank both you and last night's Leah for STFU.
Ownit- I resisted.
I guess he realized at some point last night. This morning I had a text from him that just said "I totally $ucked up. I am so so sorry."
I have no idea if that means overall, our relationship, forgetting the anniversary, or any other random thing.
I feel nothing. Nothing at all. Not anger, really not even sadness. Just gratitude that none of this hurts as much as it did 10 months ago. And also gratitude that in another 10 months, it will hurt even less.
I won't respond to his text b/c there's nothing to say.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Struggling through my 13th wedding anniversary today, but so far, so good. I'm a strong little bit@h. I got this. (That's not to say a glass or two of wine won't be involved by bedtime tonight.)
Oh, sorry I missed this^^. ((( hugs )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
kml- does it work on fingers on the texting pad? LOL My mouth I can control. It's the texting piece that usually gets me.
Rose- Today's Leah DOES thank both you and last night's Leah for STFU.
Ownit- I resisted.
I guess he realized at some point last night. This morning I had a text from him that just said "I totally $ucked up. I am so so sorry."
I have no idea if that means overall, our relationship, forgetting the anniversary, or any other random thing.
I feel nothing. Nothing at all. Not anger, really not even sadness. Just gratitude that none of this hurts as much as it did 10 months ago. And also gratitude that in another 10 months, it will hurt even less.
I won't respond to his text b/c there's nothing to say.
Well, my INTERNAL approach has wavered as you know. Thinking it all out first, even if I only give myself a minute, helps. We have had one 6 minute conversation about health insurance, in the past year.
Wow, reading that ^^ makes me shake my head.
He reached out to my brother right before my nieces big shebang wedding, and then my brother would text me...So I had texted h right before the wedding weekend so he'd stop reaching out to my brother = me, right before all the hoopla.
But I did NOT think it out in advance and I gotta admit it was partly to remind h that my huge hilarious family, whom he loved (I THINK??)
was still having a great time without him. That I was having a blast.
Petty? God yes. Getting sucked in? YES.
But at least it was effective in getting him to back off then. He's reached out to me twice since and I've struggled mightily - MIGHTILY - in wanting to text him back directly
but I refrained. (It was about a 51-49 "election" in my head).
Leah, Remember our wildly inappropriate concern that "we don't want to be rude" when we don't respond to a WAH later reaching out?? Yes, let's both remember^^^ it.
Turning a corner...yes you have.
There are a lot of corners in this maze, but since the overall trend is upward - it's good.
Sorry the week was hard. Really.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Congratulations on making it through the anniversary without texting and then not responding the next day. It’s really hard for me to resist reaching out to my stbx but you give me hope that I can resist. Sounds like you are doing great at minding your own business, literally! Great job.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thanks, Gordie. It IS hard to resist reaching out. I fight it some days, and other days my anger makes me not even tempted. Today is NOT one of the anger days, though. I'm really missing him today. I think it's all the storm prep that I'm having to do, and thinking back to 4 weeks ago when he was here doing it all. Hard to believe he's the same person who stayed extra days 4 weeks ago to ride out the last hurricane with me, and since the missed anniversary, he's gone radio silent, even in the face of this storm.
It is what it is. Hang in there with NC. I keep believing the others here who say it will get easier.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Thanks, girl. I needed that little push. You're exactly right. That IS what makes me happy. A busy, full life! I've got lots of GAL things planned through the weekend so I'm excited about that.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I read this today and thought it was beautifully worded. Just wanted to share and maybe help lift someone up.
"Grief showed up at my feet on December 26, 2016. She took my hands and started dancing frantically, pushing me to my knees. She’s been with me in the horrific initial conversation and has twirled beautifully as I’ve started to stand. I carry her with her sharp teeth, and soft feet in my heart pocket as I wake and work and again find joy. She is the cold ache of lost and alone, and also the warm reminder that I will survive, love again, and become stronger and more authentic every day."
And also, from a new favorite author,
"what I miss most is how you loved me. but what I didn't know was that how you loved me had so much to do with the person I was. it was a reflection of everything I gave to you. coming back at me. how did I not see that. how. did I sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would love me that way. when it was I that taught you. when it was I that showed you how to fill. the way I needed to be filled. how cruel I was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you recognized it. as if I was already not these things before I met you. as if I did not remain all these once you left."
Let's not sell ourselves short in our beat-up frame of reference. We. Are. Enough.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
It perhaps makes sense to me that she was mirroring those things in me that she admired or that she wanted me to see - she once told me that she was a better person than she normally would have been because of me - until she couldn't any more.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, lovely quotes thank you. And so important to reconnect with our inherent worth through this process. That's really a journey worth taking and so many of us lose parts of ourselves through being married. Also, we (I!) have relied so much on the good opinion of others. In my marriage, I operated through a lens of 'what kind of wife do I think you want' and 'what kind of stepmom should I be?'
Now I just try and bring me to the table and make my best effort with things. It is freeing to think less about what should I do or what do they thing, and think more about what do I want to do? What works for me? That doesn't mean less kindness or support or help - but just a stronger sense of self and motives in the process..
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I read that quote, especially the second one, and as you suspected, it touched me Leahsue.
Today it's one year ago that I last saw my h, and that's the day we separated.
How odd. But I'm okay.
Thank you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Wow, loved that second one. And like AndrewP, w has told me that she was a better person with me than she ever would have been without me. Yet, she still wants to leave me...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I started a new part time job yesterday- driving for an app called Waitr. I've never done ANYTHING like this, and it was actually great fun. I can pick my hours so that's nice. I'm planning to do it from now until the end of the year, just to have some extra $ for the holidays, and get out of the house. The other drivers are so helpful and nice, and between orders we hang out in a local parking area that's central to everything (and about 200 yards from my house, which is NICE!)
Hopefully in January I get the job in the government office, which would be until April/May. But this will be good to do until then. Slowly work myself back into the routine of reporting to work every day.
Haven't heard from H since he missed the anniversary and storm, with the exception of two texts that we exchanged regarding income tax. They were polite and business-like, only a couple of sentences each way.
If nothing changes inside ME, I'm planning to file when my atty visit comes up on Nov. 6. The M is dead, and TBH, I'm not sure I ever even want to move back up north. The more of a life that I build for myself here, the less I miss the old one. I miss having a H, but I'm not even sure I miss HIM any more. Certainly not the "new" H. I don't even LIKE him.
I've cried a lot lately, deep wracking sobs that just come on with no obvious trigger..... but I think that is grief over what I thought my future looked like, rather than sadness at the end of the marriage. The further away from it I get, the more I see how much of myself I lost the last few years. I need to get her back. Life just got too easy, and I got lazy and quit trying to work at it. Not just the M, but life in general. I think that starts to make us old before our time.
So maybe there's a silver lining to the last year. Who knows?
Today, I'm in a good place. And thankful, oh so thankful, so be here.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I started a new part time job yesterday- driving for an app called Waitr. I've never done ANYTHING like this, and it was actually great fun. I can pick my hours so that's nice. I'm planning to do it from now until the end of the year, just to have some extra $ for the holidays, and get out of the house. The other drivers are so helpful and nice, and between orders we hang out in a local parking area that's central to everything (and about 200 yards from my house, which is NICE!) I worked in my brother's cidery/distillery with my older sister to help with a big festival. Never sat down for 6 hours! (Can't believe I almost brought a book. Uh, no, no reading happened).
Yeah, I'm a L and she's a nurse, but we can sling hard cider! Very different and it's part of the new life. So i get it.
Haven't heard from H since he missed the anniversary and storm, with the exception of two texts that we exchanged regarding income tax. They were polite and business-like, only a couple of sentences each way.
If nothing changes inside ME, I'm planning to file when my atty visit comes up on Nov. 6. The M is dead, and TBH, I'm not sure I ever even want to move back up north. The more of a life that I build for myself here, the less I miss the old one. I miss having a H, but I'm not even sure I miss HIM any more. Certainly not the "new" H. I don't even LIKE him.
This ^^ makes me very sad, but it resonates a lot. It is something I have to hammer home b/c I tend to second guess myself if the day is dreary or if I feel at all lonely.
Sheesh. (Not as if being inside the m the past few years wasn't lonely too.) Maybe We need to remind ourselves of that.
H made some political/theological comments I strongly disagreed with. Which surprised me too. And Not presented in a very diplomatic way, either. I literally would not date someone who believed these things - (he did not feel this way when we married.) So once you are married, then they change, then what??
In a weird way, he has given me the opportunity to live my life the way I would have loved to live, with the old him, or the him I thought he was.) But now, without him.
I've cried a lot lately, deep wracking sobs that just come on with no obvious trigger..... but I think that is grief over what I thought my future looked like, rather than sadness at the end of the marriage. i hear you
Kind of find myself sad more lately. Which is weird b/c I can count on one hand how many times I've really cried hard about this. I stuff it down b/c I think it seems too large.
The further away from it I get, the more I see how much of myself I lost the last few years. I need to get her back. Life just got too easy, and I got lazy and quit trying to work at it. Not just the M, but life in general. I think that starts to make us old before our time.
Amen^^^. Embarrassing at times and almost devastating - but in a way maybe it's good. Aside from what we can embrace, MAYBE it's good to know that if we get another chance, we won't make those mistakes again.
So maybe there's a silver lining to the last year. Who knows? or maybe we sew that silver lining ourselves? I'm asking.
Today, I'm in a good place. And thankful, oh so thankful, so be here.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
If nothing changes inside ME, I'm planning to file when my atty visit comes up on Nov. 6. The M is dead, and TBH, I'm not sure I ever even want to move back up north. The more of a life that I build for myself here, the less I miss the old one. I miss having a H, but I'm not even sure I miss HIM any more. Certainly not the "new" H. I don't even LIKE him.
I've cried a lot lately, deep wracking sobs that just come on with no obvious trigger..... but I think that is grief over what I thought my future looked like, rather than sadness at the end of the marriage.
Way to go on the new job. It sounds perfect for you now.
I think I feel the same. I miss having a w but not the person she has become.
Can you share some of those tears? I haven’t been able to squeeze out a single one.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm weird with the tears too. Cried my eyes out when the older family dog died, (and h was a jerk, to boot). Cried the anniversary of mom's death, which came a day after my wedding anniversary.
A few tears I stifle down about every month or so. Like when I hear a song on the radio or at the big family wedding last month. I had to "REDIRECT" my thoughts fast.
But sobbing? Twice, in the past year. And with other things triggering it.
Believe me, it's not for lack of caring. I don't get it.
I'll address it in T and fwiw, Leah,
I do wish I could. Weird.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
not positive what or whom i miss. I feel my life lacks structure and direction.
Which annoys me - deeply - b/c it means h provided that, and what really is true, is that for the past several years, I revolved around HIS dreams and hoped HE would stop feeling restless. So that I could direct myself.
Like I did not allow myself to pursue (or even know anymore)my dreams b/c they might not jive with the "family/marriage"
which meant jive with h.
And turns out he resented my lack of direction, or says that.
Jesus. REDIRECT time.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Try not to be too quick on the trigger. Make sure it is what you want before you go forward. Don't forget to discuss the choice of law issues (where you are best to file) with your lawyer, as well as how long he has been at the new job and what an income hike it is for him.
Glad to hear you are keeping yourself busy and really digging into your life there. I would love to take a rideshare and find myself in your car. It would be such a blast.
Ownit, you are right. I had a great IC session this morning, and she advised the same thing.
I want some financial security, which is on of the main reasons I had planned to just file. That, coupled with my disinterest in moving back into the world I left up north.
I've been hesitant to see this attorney again (not the quack, but the one who comes highly recommended, that I met with in January). I felt like I had two choices about the upcoming appointment with him. Either go in there and ask him to file, or postpone the appointment again. But truth be told, when I met with him in January, I was such an open wound that I honestly do not remember much of what he even said. I took no notes, cried the whole time, and paid him $450.
Now that I'm thinking MUCH clearer, I think it may be worth the $ to meet with him again, have a list of my proposed items prepared, take good notes, ask his opinion of what he thinks I can ask for, find out what his retainer will be (which they can't tell me over the phone without going over my case first), and see if there is anything I can legally do to lock down some of these finances without actually filing for divorce yet.
The little bit I DO remember from our first appointment, I THINK I remember him telling me that, at least in AL, it's either keep doing what I'm doing, or file. No middle ground, legal separation, etc.
Probably for my own peace of mind, that will be my best option right now. I guess I've hesitated doing that, since I already DID that, and came away with nothing. But again, I was half alive at the time of that appointment. It's a wonder I even was able to drive to his office that day. I felt like I was losing my mind.
My IC was telling me today that she wishes I could see myself now, compared to my first visit to see her. She thinks I'm not being easy enough on myself, because I can only see how I feel right now, not how far I've come in healing.
SO, I'm going to cut myself some slack and be proud of the fact that I AM healing. All these crazy emotions: anger, sadness, grief, tears, fear..... are all necessary in the climb back up. This is no small "bump in the road of marriage" that we've all been through. This is complete, utter devastation and blow up of a life you thought you had. Healing from that is going to take much longer.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
It's pouring down rain, turning cold, my Mama is here and she is a lot like my H- let's just pretend like life is grand so we don't have to deal with anything. All she can do is sit here and read jokes off Facebook. As I struggle to hold back tears.
My mothering traits are so VERY different from hers. No way could I sit in a room with my child who is fighting back tears, and ignore them. Even at my age, it hurts.
I know this will pass, but right now I'm fighting to just hang on.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I am sorry that you are having a difficult day. Shed those tears, let them all out, feel the pain and release it. Tears help us heal. I'm not making excuses for your mother, but she may not know what to say or do for you. Maybe she thinks you need to get this all out of yours system. She may think that waiting until you aren't so emotional is the best way to be there for you. Have you tried to talk to her...it could be that she is waiting for you to come to her.
I know how it feels, my mother was the same way, but when I finally exhausted myself and my tear ducts had run dry, she was there to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you are moving to acceptance, that is a very painful time. It is letting go of all of the hope and mourning the life that you thought you'd be living. I've had some doozy days, but they get further and further apart and the crying jags get shorter and shorter.
I think Job is 100% right (as usual) you have to feel the pain and lean into it. With mom too, you have to let go of the expectations for who she should be and accept her for who she is. My mom can't love me the way I want or need to be loved, but I do know that she loves me in the best way she can.
Take a long hot bath or shower, let the tears out, put on some lovely music and try to sleep. Sleep makes everything feel better.
I wish I knew what "leaning into the pain" or "just going through it" meant,
or "processing it" - unless there is a choice I'm unaware of. (I'm not being snarky, I'm serious.)
But leah, your mom must be pretty elderly. I assume the reason for the visit was to comfort you but she does not know how (cheering you up with funny jokes!!?)
as for filing or not filing, are you more vulnerable by not filing?
own has a great point about the acceptance phase. When you realize there is little or no hope left,
there is a big fat void and a big fat gut punch - which you felt had already happened.
I feel better than before, about it. I know You shall as well.
It's embarrassing to admit that meeting OM's helps to remind myself of how many things in the m of late, were NOT so hot.
NOT so acceptable - things I would not accept in a new man. I am embarrassed b/c it should not take a new man in my life to remind myself that my needs were not being met the last 2 years, by a long shot.
Just trying to be gentle with myself and I hope you will be, too. Also, tears are not a sign of weakness. OMG Not at all. Like I said, I wish I could, and I think not crying is slowing me down
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Everyone probably has their own thoughts about what leaning into it means. For me, it is not eating through it, busying myself through it, distracting myself through it, etc.
It literally means allowing the tears to come and the sad feelings to happen. To realize I can let them out and survive them. It's one of the reasons I made a conscious decision to slow my life way down.
It's being able to sit in silence and think about being alone and how to fill the time and the days. It's thinking about what I will do if I am sick and unable to care for myself and have no one to help me. It's facing all the fears I have about letting go and letting go of the reasons I have for holding on.
It is literally confronting the things you fear and finding your own strength.
Some people think that they have to put on a happy face and look like they are still living their lives when, really, they feel like they need to cry to express their emotions. When we feel the pain and work through it, we can find our own strength in our own time and not on the time table of others. There are lots of people out there that think we should be over and done w/the entire situation within a few months...it doesn't happen. We have to grieve and go through the steps of grieving. There are people who think grieving is for those who have died...but they forget, you can also grieve for a relationship that has disappeared.
For me, when my xh walked out, I grieved for quite a while and attempted to put on the happy face for all because they were uncomfortable with the face that I wasn't, in their opinion, moving on at a fast pace. Fast forward 6 years and my sister's h was killed. Well, according to my parents, my sister could take all of the time she needed to grieve and she's still grieving almost 13 years later and my mother pointed out that her situation was so different from mine. Unfortunately, I agreed to disagree w/what situation constitutes a grieving process.
I also agree that tears are not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of grieving and healing. If you need to cry, do so. No one should expect you to be happy all of the time because what you are going thru is not a happy time at all.
As you get stronger, you will be more able to confront your fears and each time you will get a little bit stronger and until one day, you will come to realize that you are noticing signs of happiness once again. It's a very slow process, but I firmly believe each and every person will get there...but it will be on their time table.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I did cry - (& hard) - twice. Once was the anniversary of my mom's death, (which was one day after my wedding anniversary), and when my older dog died.
Both times I felt a lot calmer, later on. I know there's an obvious metaphorical cumulative process going on.
I don't feel like I'm hiding from anything (and God knows I've posted a lot lately.)
and yet, I can't get to it.
Since I do some theater work, it just occurred to me I could dig into it that way. Leah, let yourself do this. Do what helps YOU.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, friends. Your posts truly helped me get through a hard day yesterday.
My Mama was just being herself. My sister and I agreed years ago, that thankfully we have one another to feed those emotional needs, because Mama just does not know how. I'm pretty sure at age 79 she's not going to change. At age 59, I should know this. But it still hurts sometimes.
Own, I think that is the most beautiful definition of "leaning into it" that I have ever read. Additionally, IT MAKES SENSE. And 25, thanks for asking for clarification. Sometimes that takes courage to admit we don't understand something, but when we're honest like that, so many people benefit when the answer is given.
My lawyer appointment is one week from tomorrow. I still do not have a clear heart about what I will do.
I'll probably feel differently tomorrow, or even later tonight (LOL), but right now I'm leaning toward a motto I have tried to use through the years. Sometimes, I've heeded the words, sometimes not. But I can't ever remember being sorry that I DID HEED them. OTOH, I have often regretted that I did not.
"When in doubt, don't."
To be continued.....
PS- today was a much better day. Mama and I went to early church (and I find SO much peace there at this stage- just entering the huge cathedral with the stained glass and pipe organ- I can feel my heart settling down. And believe me, I've been through every "church" stage available through the years- contemporary, "high" church, pop music, old time hymns, you name it. Right now, the solitude and ritual are healing to me.), and then worked an 11-4 shift at the part time job. I set a personal record for deliveries and was so excited. Home now and just started a fire in the fireplace, snuggled with my sweet dog. So much to be thankful for.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I’m glad you had a better day. I’m glad you found peace at church.
The one thing that concerned me about message was that you wanted to see L. It you didn’t know what you wanted. That may be an expensive visit if you are unsure but maybe L can help you clarify your feelings if you haven’t been able to find that clarity from family, friends and others.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm so happy that you are doing better and I'm glad that you have people in your life to help you through. You know this gets easier because you've been here before and you know there is life on the other side. Focus on that.
You need not "Do" anything, just gain information. Knowledge is power.
It'll lessen some of your fears, and if you choose to stay, it won't be due to bad information.
Seeing a lawyer is about the only "insurance" you can get for yourself in a very painful trying situation.
And let yourself cry if you feel like it. It's healthy (and in case I didn't make it clear
I envy you. And I have a feeling a ton of bricks will hit me later on.)
That's for future 25 to worry about.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am happy to read that you had a much better day yesterday. It doesn't hurt to seek the advice of a lawyer. It gives you a better understanding of what you are entitled to "if" you opt to move forward w/a divorce. The one thing...do not allow a lawyer to gently push you towards a divorce if you aren't ready to do so.
The old saying..."when in doubt, do nothing" applies in all aspects of our lives. I also have one that I'd like to share w/you..."sit quietly and the answers will come".
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just as a reminder, I DID see this same extremely expensive lawyer back in January for this exact same thing.... to "find out what my options were." Like I said in earlier post, I was so far out in left field emotionally at that time, I barely remember getting any truly useful information. What I do remember is 1) I'd have to be a true resident of AL for at least 6 months before I file and 2) he reminded me he is NOT my counselor. If I was not sure I wanted a divorce, my time would be better spent with a counselor.
I appreciated his honesty. I don't think I am going to see him again until I know, that I know, that I know, that I'm ready to file for divorce. I think it will be a repeat of the last visit. He made it clear during the last visit that IF I file, he will go for H's throat, and based on his local reputation, I have no doubt he means it. In other words, I'd better be sure I'm not open to R, because filing is probably going to blow up any peace and kindness left between H and me.
I just don't think I'm there yet. I'm not interested in R AT THIS POINT, even if H were to express an interest. But I'm not sure I'm ready to blow it all up just yet. If money becomes an issue (if he stops taking care of my bills the way he does now), then I will file immediately.
IOW, I'm in doubt about filing right now, so I don't. That doesn't mean I can't later, when I'm sure.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I'm glad you are doing what feels right for you. We all have to.
My concern is 2 fold; one is financial - and I implore you to double check what you think you know about the money situation. it cannot hurt and hey, this is the biggest financial decision of your life.
And the emotional concern I have is - as the L said, for you to work on with your T
(and us!).
BTW, do you have a T there? God, I'm not sure I could have made it without mine.
The L was wise to say that he's not your T. He will cost much more and not be as good at encouraging you to heal, or pointing out things you may need to work on.
The L will ask for financials and interrogatories and such...not fun at all...
So he said that hiring him means he goes all out. Do you not have ANY control over him? Interesting.
I won't pretend that filing for divorce was not a tiny bit to wake h up. Kind of embarrassing to admit.
Oh well, plenty of embarrassment for me to work on.
Hey, ((( Leah )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, I've had a counselor since a week after BD, and LOVE her. I see her bi-weekly and have made great strides in my own healing. She is very pro-marriage (b/c she asked me the first day what I wanted, and I said to save my M, if possible, as long as it did not become detrimental to me), but has actually stepped out there and spoken up when she thought maybe I should call it. Her main focus is healing for me, regardless of my marital state or outcome of it.
The money. There are no bonds, real estate, assets, etc. I have my own teacher retirement, and for the last 3 years, he has begun his own retirement/pension. We have no children together. I have an inheritance that will come from my Mama at her death, but it will come only to me as specified in her will. So really there is only present tense money that we have to deal with, and right now he is being very generous. The minute that stops, I will file. I'm on his (very excellent) health insurance as long as we are married. I can pick up my own (retired teacher-state) if we D, but it doesn't hold a candle to his. So that's in my best interest to stay on his as long as possible.
There's nothing more a lawyer can do to protect the money that we have coming in, unless I file and ask for alimony. Since H is regularly getting raises, if I DO need to file and am lucky enough to get short term alimony (L did say I would probably get a year or so, just until I can become gainfully employed again), that will be based on what he makes now. I believe his income will continue to increase. (He is 9 years younger than me and plans to work many more years.) I can begin drawing SS at 66 yrs 6 mo. (I will turn 60 in June 2018.)
For all these reasons, I think I'm better off right now staying legally married. My day to day life will not change whether I file or not, right now. But I do believe my finances will suffer.
I'm sure I could tell my L NOT to go for the throat, but his MO/reputation is to go for all he can possibly get for me. He made that clear also when we met in January.
So that's kind of a re-cap of where I am. Please continue to read and advise/throw out thoughts as they come to you. I very much value and appreciate the views of friends on here, not to mention the legal aspect of it from both you and Own. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees, especially when one is wandering around inside.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I haven't been on in a while and wanted to check on you. I'm sorry for your pain and tears, but you sound like you're in a good place and recognize that it's okay to not want to make a decision right now.
If you're still headed north for Thanksgiving, I'd love to meet you! I live near the airport you mentioned and will be staying in town for the holiday. So you let me know when and I'll be there
Cadence!!! I've been wondering how things are going with you. Hopefully you posted on the other thread, and if so, I'll find out over there. IF NOT, I'll be coming back for some updates on you! Did you ever meet new guy FTF? Did that go anywhere?
I'd LOVE to meet up with you on my way through, even if it's just for airport coffee! As it gets a little closer, I'll get back to you with dates, times, etc and we'll see if we can work it out. HOW EXCITING!
I'm staying busy with this part time job, and doing my best to GAL. Not only to just GAL, but to actually ENJOY it. That's harder, I think.
I wrote this in my journal yesterday. It speaks a little to where I am emotionally right now.
It is nearing one year without the safety net of marriage, and although the pain still jabs hurtful feelings throughout, my strength softens the blows. The pain is a constant ebb and flow of rain, rather than the hard, driving hail storm it once was. It is not that time heals. I will always mourn the life I thought was mine. It is that I am getting stronger.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I don't know why, except I know the stages of grief do not have clean margin lines, and I seem to have circled back to sadness.
I cannot stop crying. I dream all night, and wake up to a soaked pillow.
It's ridiculous. I was just thinking I wish someone could just reach in my brain and remove him, and any memory of him. A clean start would feel SO GOOD with no memory of him at all.
I'm not going to lie. I've had some DARK, SCARY thoughts the last 24 hours.
I am headed to work, so that's good. And the sun is out today, which helps. Yesterday was cold, hard rain all day, and that is NOT helpful.
If you pray, please send one up for me today.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Praying for you today. Night is hardest for me because of the dreams and restless thoughts. Recently, I have slept with ultra familiar music where i know every word so instead of giving into the thoughts it’s like a lullaby. And those dark thoughts, acknowledge them here or elsewhere. Don’t bury them or they’ll just come back zombie like. I’ve thought them all.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I am sorry that you are having a tough day today. It will take some time for things to settle down and you are correct that grief does not have clean margin lines.
There were many times that I wished someone would wipe all the memories of my xh out of my mind too. What you are going through is very normal, so cut yourself some slack. Okay?
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry you had such a rough day. It's difficult to feel grief like that, but as Job says it is perfectly normal and also healthy, cleansing to release pain and sadness in that way.
When I had days like yours I found that peace followed because I had released so much. I hope that is the case for you too..
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Praying for you, Leah. Its alright for you to be sad. It is a sad thing. So prayers that this sad time passes quickly are on their way. Hugs (((Leah))))
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm with you. I got some meds the other day and am very glad. I don't think I could have gotten ANY of the Div paperwork done without them. Let alone my brother's cancer and more recent sh1t discoveries of h.
But my job interview went well and something makes me feel like I'm closer to the last lap and I guess here's what was said that hit me and might resonate for you.
the interviewer knew I've had a crappy time of it lately (I guess my friend passed that along with my resume)
so at one point she said "well You've had a really hard year".
And I said "that's true and it's one way to frame it. But I'm trying to reframe it b/c it's also been a year of amazing painful growth and massive transition and I'm really starting to look forward to what I can create next."
That ^^^was the only thing I saw her write down.
And it wasn't BS.
(It also won't be how I always feel, but the glimpses Leah, the glimpses of what we might be getting close to, what we might be building ourselves as we rescue ourselves,
sometimes that is what keeps me going.
Maybe they will help us get though all of this sh1tstorm.
I feel called or led to have something good come of this ordeal -not just MY own growth but a way to help others and I mean outside of this site, too.
Anyhow, I relate. I fear the other shoe dropping, and ( cannot wait for h to stop spreading his darkness. My sleep sukks without meds, which I finally got, thank God.
H was Making our youngest cry with his texts. WHO DOES THAT?? Him that's who.
Better questions are what do WE want in OUR lives now and going forward??
Not making it about them/him, but just about US. What matters to US?
New fav words - me/myself and I.
Does that sound selfish? SORRY but that is too darn bad. Gotta put the 02 on my face before I can put it on the kids and as for h,
he can get his own = or change saliva and air with schmoopie. It is so NOT my problem.
((( Leah!! )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=25yearsmlc]Leah Better questions are what do WE want in OUR lives now and going forward??
THIS.
Because car tags are due on both ends, but the notices come to me, b/c OF COURSE I'm the one who always TOOK CARE OF THINGS and changed the address..........
focus, Leah, focus...........
a phone call was necessary. Since I tried 3 texts and got no response, I just thought - WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? PICK UP THE DAM PHONE AND CALL UNTIL HE ANSWERS. It's HIS TRUCK for God's sake. (Insert laugh here.)
So I did. Early in the morning, which evidently is his best time (which to be fair, I should have remembered that), and he was already at work in his new office, and answered on the first ring. (And when I said How is that going? he said let me send you a pic from where I'm sitting at my desk.- Total straight ahead Lady Liberty, Tower One, well you get the pic- and just to be fair, his sister was horrified when I told her he sent me a pic of the skyline, b/c she said it was like rubbing in my face and very tacky- but as I told her, I did not take it that way, and I don't think he meant it that way. The rise to this place has been a journey that we shared as a team, and although he's lost sight of the rest of that, I don't think he's forgotten this piece. The things he said before sending the pic let me know he was trying to say thank you for helping me get here.) Hard to convey in a forum or even just words.)
Note to me. He prefers phone calls to texts. NOW. Not always the case, but this is not familiar H we are dealing with. (I know, grammar police, I ended sentence with a preposition- ok, re-read as--- this is not familiar H we are dealing with, BIT$H.)
I know, old joke for you teachers out there. FOCUS, LEAH.
So, I said I need to know what to do about truck tags (multiple)- and I cannot afford to pay for them anyway, so let me know.
HE SAYS- well, I can take care of them next week, while I'm there.
Wait-
He's coming south, and hasn't told me? This does not bode well for R. I fully expected him to stay north for at least T'giving, but evidently his ailing mom needs him to come, so he will come. Which I think is totally the right move for him. She needs him, and honestly, he needs HER. He just may not realize it yet.
I just was so surprised (and this was LIVE people, on the actual phone- no time to think and plan a cool, DB, good response) that I said Oh you're coming down? Were you going to tell me?
I wasn't screeching at this point, so no 2x4s yet.
He said of course I was- I just decided yesterday. (Which I'll give him a point there- his sister backed that up both BEFORE the weekend, then again today).
GOOD NEWS: he's bringing two large suitcases of the clothes I've been asking for, along with some other specific things I've asked for-
so I said, well I think we need to sit down and maybe talk about where we go from here- I don't see any reason for us to spend thousands of dollars on deciding how this plays out, when I don't feel there's animosity between us, and we should be able to just figure it out, get a lawyer, and go from there.
He agreed.
OK, 2x4s welcome.
There was much more to the conversation, and all about cars, trucks, dividing things, etc., nothing personal. And he said "I'll reach out before I come down and we can make a plan." He flies in Friday, but not to this house. His plan is to stay with his sister, and be there for the AU game (!!!! WDE), this weekend, family thing Sunday, (I guess take care of tags, etc. Monday and Tuesday, then fly back Wednesday.
(PS- I HAD told him this summer during the visit that I would be traveling during T'giving and today he said, I did think you might be gone part of that time. Which kind of indicates he would have just dropped the stuff off here or left it with his sister, and not have had to see me FTF), but OK. Really I'm just proud to be getting my good winter clothes.)
I have a full work schedule during his time here, which of course I will keep. I suggested maybe we just meet for lunch and talk, and he said ok. But I will let him arrange that, and if he doesn't, then I'm ok with that. I will not be the one who reaches out, if any reaching out is done.
I guess the point of all this is to catch my faithful readers up to date, so that when I blow a gasket after his visit, I won't have to give any history.
But 25, if you're still reading, the thing that slammed me against the wall was your saying "what about what WE want."
All afternoon I've been consumed with wondering, I wish I knew if he was going to talk about "if and when we want to divorce", OR "the terms of our divorce ($).
But your post reminded me to consider, for the love, what does LEAHSUE bring to the table?
Even if he brings I still don't know what I want, whine, whine, so don't give up hope for us (while I pay for you to stay down south, and I do whatever the he11 I want for as long as I want),
is that enough for me?
DEAR LORD, I HOPE NOT. I cannot lose sight of the fact that if I'm ever in another relationship, it has to be someone who chooses me every single day, not when it works for him. It needs to be a man who does not want to live without me, not one who would prefer I stay a little longer in another part of the country.
Wow, this has turned into a rant. Sorry, friends. This feels so much better than the constant tears. I'm sure it will circle back, but I've been reminded here over and over, that that's OK, too.
To add some excitement to the day, took sweet dog to vet and she may have Cushing's Disease (for dogs), so there's that. More tests tomorrow. IDK much about that ailment, but I'm SURE internet can thoroughly educate me. And throw me into an "I can't breathe" kind of state, but honestly, I'd rather deal with that, than "I don't even care" kind of state.
I can think of so many song lyrics to insert here, but I'll liven this place up and ask for ideas??? (If I've still got friends following along. I know this was long.)
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
No 2x4s from me. I think you handled that interaction very well. Good work!
I do think you are asking the right questions. What do you want at this stage? Reconciliation? Divorce? More time in limbo?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think you did an excellent job of handling this situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
WHAT IF..... he WAS planning to see me, maybe even spend some time here (which I would not have been OK with, but he wouldn't know that until we talked about it), but I approached him first, about the tags, before he had a chance to tell me he was coming. And b/c I was so stunned, I jumped straight to the conclusion that he had all the details worked out with his sister, and those plans did not include me at all. I remembered this morning, that when I spoke with his sister late yesterday, she said "I"M PICKING HIM UP FROM AIRPORT? We haven't even discussed it! We had a 30 second conversation this morning and he said I've decided to come south so I'll be able to be at the family thing Sunday. He did not say a WORD about staying with me, etc. We were both busy with work, so I just said that's great, Mama will be so excited." I may have jumped way ahead here in READING HIS MIND, and of course I'm leaning toward the negative, and assuming he was going to by-pass me this trip. But I may be wrong. I'm not sure it really matters, but it makes me feel less combative about our meeting, and hopefully will make me more open-minded about what he wants to say, rather than assuming this will be the last time we see each other.
I still don't know what I want to happen, but this makes me want to let HIM lead the talk this time, and me just listen. I can always say I need to think about all you've said. I think it's time I really listened to what he has to say, without leading or steering the conversation, which is usually what happens. VALIDATE.
Oh well, just thinking out loud in writing. We shall see.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
That’s a good plan. This is something the d b coach has helped me with. How to take the pressure off myself to always have an answer. This is a 180 for me! I am now comfortable with saying “I don’t know” and “I need more time to think about that.” If you don’t know what you want, give yourself the gift of time.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I know this is difficult for you, but you need to allow him to "lead" the dance for a bit. It's best to allow him to talk and you listen. If you do this, listen very closely, and I mean closely, for he will tell you things that you need to know. If they are allowed to talk w/o interruption, they do tend to spill the beans and talk away w/o a filter.
If you sit quietly, the answers will be revealed to you. You have to dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Leah, try to get off the rollercoaster and reach a place where your mood is not determined by what he is doing, whether he is contacting you, and whether he is coming. Read your recent posts again. There is an awful lot of excitement and expectation and excuse-making going on there. Try to let him do the reaching out. Now you will never know if he would have contacted you while he was there. You knew he would go through a period of withdrawal after you guys spent the time together. He is acting according to script. You need to do the same.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Honestly, I don't know what happened. Life got so crazy, and I guess I just let this daily habit slip away.
I AM FINE. Cadence, girlfriend, my trip got ALL kinds of confused with travel dates, time, airports, connections, ferry boats, so much so that I wasn't even sure until the last day. I HATE HATE HATE that I was so close to you, and we missed the chance to meet. I would have loved nothing more.
So much has happened, and yet very little has changed on the H front. I can't even remember what was going on the last time I posted, and TBH, I don't have a chance right this second to read back and see..... but 25, when I logged on and saw your "where are you???", I realized this is exactly how I feel when my special people on here go missing. So thank you for not forgetting about me.
In the next few days, I'm going to block off some time and come on here, and try to catch up on at least a few sitches. I miss the daily talks and encouragements, and this will always be the safest place I know, probably ever.
My part time job has almost turned into full time, at least until the end of the year when I hope to get the legislature one. HOWEVER, night before last, I was driving on a delivery and a young man came straight into the side of my car, completely T-boned me on my driver's side, totaled his car, and we aren't sure yet about mine. UNBELIEVABLY both he and I walked away completely shaken to the core, but uninjured. It was an absolute miracle, and reminded me again of how short life can be, and not to waste time moaning over one lost love who probably wasn't worth it anyway.
I will have more to say on all that later, but must run and clock in. I miss you all so very much, and I will be back really soon.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I GOT THE LEGISLATURE JOB!!! As a matter of fact, I was offered two different jobs in separate divisions. I accepted one of them today, and session begins January 8.
I've had another strong thought lately.
I feel more like the "real" me the last few weeks than I have in years. Although this little part time job is pretty mindless, I've become a team member again. I did not realize I missed that feeling until it began to come back. I isolated myself for 10 years, owning my own business and only interacting with my computer. I have found a new sense of belonging and respect from co-workers that my soul has craved, without my even knowing it.
H may have actually done me a huge favor.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Congratulations on your new job! You are rediscovering yourself, slowly but surely.
Yes, your h did you a favor!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Funny looking at your name, because I've thought a lot about Job in the Bible lately. I lost my fancy home, my marriage, my social status, then lately my car. Now I deliver food as my job, drive a beat up work truck (until I got the rental car yesterday after the police report showed total liability belonging to the other guy).
.... and the passage I keep remembering is Job 13:15- "though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him."
AND YET, I have felt pure, unbridled joy for the first time in so long, in the last few weeks.
Go figure.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Leah, happy that you are embracing all the good things about the changes you have had to endure. Once you get to that point, life seems to flow a little better. Think I got there recently too.
Dear friends who most likely saved me, at least my sanity, the entire year of 2017.....
I want to say THANK YOU, and to wish each one a very Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Whatever you celebrate this time of year/ and to say that I honestly would not be where I am tonight had I not brokenly stumbled onto this site one year ago.
My DB anniversary is coming up Dec. 26, and since about July, I have been planning to do what I'm going to call an "underground Christmas" this year. I've talked with family about it, gotten their blessings (mostly), made promises to stay safe, bought and shipped gifts, and after tomorrow, I will be putting my dog in the car, and heading out of town to a quiet place in the mountains nearby, to spend the holiday alone. I'm not exactly sure of what I want this trip to do, except help me erase the horror of last Christmas/week/New Years, so that going forward, I can begin new memories, with the one from last year fading slowly.
I plan to read, love on my dog, sleep, meditate, listen to good music, drink fine wine, and BE ALONE. To mainly think about how wonderful 2018 is going to be for me.
January will bring the new job, new routines, evidently a new car (since I found out today they will most likely total out my BMW that was involved in my wreck)- one more material loss, but gratitude gained for the lack of injury to me or anyone.
If I have decent wi-fi, I hope to catch up on everyone's stories, and meet some of the new people. But I'll have to be careful too, not to get too bogged down in the sadness of what we've all been through, and rather focus on the year ahead.
Each of you has touched my life in such deep ways, and made footprints on my heart. I pray for joy for us all in the days to come.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I think an underground Christmas sounds delightful. This is something that you need to do for yourself. Stay safe and enjoy Mother Nature and most importantly...have fun.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's been a while since I've posted, mostly because I think I needed to step away from the board for a while. I think by coming here every day, I was giving H too much head space, since the subject was usually him.
I had a nice, quiet "underground Christmas" with my little dog. We went to a very secluded mountain inn in a nearby state, and stayed about 4 days. The scenery was amazing, and it was so quiet you could hear the wind whistle in the trees. I did a lot of walking, reading, and just sitting looking at the view.
On the morning of my return home, I did get a call from H. He gave his reason for calling as checking on me since the wreck, and offering to drive our other car south for me to have. Over the next few days, we had some small bits of communication by phone about those details, and at one point we had a 3 way call with the other party's insurance claim adjuster. He's been helpful and supportive in getting all this sorted out, but nothing personal from either of us. Friendly, but that's all.
He called a few days after New Year's, again about the car, etc. That conversation was a little longer, and he asked about the new job, etc. It was a little more personal, and I know he could hear my excitement about the job, and this new life I'm building.
(His sister also told me that when she spent some time with him over Christmas, he told her he missed me, still loved me, and thought I was actually a lot happier here in AL. He said sometimes he has to fight the urge to call me, and he doesn't want to because he doesn't think I'd be happy coming back up north.)
I think he's probably right about that. I AM loving this new life here. I started the new job two days ago, and I already LOVE IT. I'm dressing professionally and feel like a million bucks. I have a big new office, and yesterday the state legislature reconvened (in the chamber right down the hall from my office!!!) so I felt like a big shot. LOL. Last night I attended the governor's state of the state address with the rest of my co-workers.
H called early this morning to wish me luck with the new job and we talked for a while. I told him about last night, and about my new office, etc., and he wanted me to send pictures. He said he wants to bring the car down around the 20th. I did not ask about his plans but I assume he will deliver the car, spend a night or two with his sister, and head back in our work truck.
I HAVE had a few dates with a new guy. I met him through this other part time job, and he's spent a good bit of time taking me to dinner, and just stopping by the house between our work shifts. There is absolutely some physical chemistry between us, & it has been nice to feel alive again in that way. He is not a long term match for me, and I knew that from the beginning. There's a big age difference, we have very different interests, and we do not share common religious beliefs. All that said, though, I have enjoyed his company. I can tell I'm going to have to begin pulling back and pumping the brakes, though, because in the last few days he has started to say things like "I know I'm falling for you", and "I can't stand being away from you", so I know where this is headed. I have been TOTALLY honest with him about my marital situation and that I am NOT ready for a romantic relationship, and I remind him of that often, but I don't see him hearing me, and I'm so afraid of hurting him. He has not been in a relationship in 4 years, so he is ready to fall in love.
I know the vets on here warn about this, and I've probably already let it go too far to avoid hurting him. That part does not feel good at all. Now with this new job, our time together will naturally be cut drastically, so that will eliminate some potential for further development of feelings, but I know I still am going to have to be firm, and probably hurt him in the long run.
Anyway, here's to a brand new year for all of us, and I say BRING IT! I miss the daily interaction with people on the boards, but I think it was time for me to step back into the actual world a little more. I'll be stopping by, and also will try to catch up with some of your situations.
Here's to all of us being further along in this painful journey than when we began! And for the new friendships we've formed with one another along the way. I love you all!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So, I'm divorced as of 2-3 weeks ago. And the sun still rose and set.
I found out I was divorced after the fact. Strange and anti climatic, but not that big a deal, to be honest.
I felt surprisingly calm and detached. I had gone to a personal growth workshop I'm a big fan of, the weekend before. Thank God.
Because the workshop jettisoned me down the road with letting go of a lot of this pain and anger at the betrayals and injustice and somehow, as much as I tried to depersonalize a lot of what xh had done, I had not let go of residual rage.
But at teh workshop I was finally able to see how much of his behavior had nothing to do with me. And so much to do with him.
OTOH, MY role - I looked away and avoided seeing SO MUCH crap on his end, directed towards me. I wanted to believe he had my values, that we would reconnect and I stayed largely b/c of his potential as a spouse, and his past, as a spouse.
He stopped being a loyal man, if he ever was. I don't miss that, now that I know of it. I can see the good we had, and not negate the whole marriage.
But I swear I believe in (most of ) my heart that he lost far more than I did. So if this were a contest, as it often felt like, he's not the winner. His life is not the index for MINE, but even if it were, he's lost a loyal wife, and I'm funny and smart and attractive and I like sex! Plus the shared history -OMG that, yes losing THAT bothers me.
But that's how it is. I have lost the person with whom I had a ton of shared history. And so has he. Bummer. Alas, there are worse things.
I believe I already am happier than i would have been if we had stayed married the way he is. Sure, sure, I wish he was the man he once was OR who I believed him to be. I do.
But i accept that he's not the guy I loved for decades. Accepting that was a huge leap forward. The second leap was realizing that his choices have more to do with him than me.
I just didn't know the real him of late, until the D. (Someone wrote that "you never really know someone until you divorce them" and that made me sort of laugh, but now I also agree. XH was a real jerk from jerk town in the divorce process. Just so dishonest and greedy, needlessly cruel, etc etc etc. NO THANKS).
There's zero question in my mind and heart that if I had joined him in Alaska, I'd be bereft.
If we remained married solely b/c I once again followed him where HE wanted to go even at MY EXPENSE,
how could I retain self respect? It'd be so in my face that I was a distant 2nd or 3rd or 8th priority to him, and that's assuming he wouldn't have had OW.
Um, no thanks. I suspect you may feel the same.
I've decided not to go on about how xh has still not seen the kids, or spoken to me in well over a year. Enough said.
My plans are to live abroad this fall for however long I feel like it. Hopefully with a job, and that's not solely financial but for social reasons. (Jobs give us interaction on a daily basis, as you know. In a foreign country it'll be hard to just start up conversations so I need some form of structured interaction).
I'm excited about what is starting for me, and I can tell you are excited about your new life, too. I'm dating as well. There are good men out there.
Keep us posted and let's try to connect in rl.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh THANK YOU, Job! When I get a chance, I'm going to update my current situation, just in case anyone out there reading can learn from things I've done, some that worked for me, some that did not.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Glad to hear from you on my thread...I hope all is well in your world.
Update us soon.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
