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leahsue #2768082 11/14/17 02:08 AM
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Praying for you, Leah. Its alright for you to be sad. It is a sad thing. So prayers that this sad time passes quickly are on their way. Hugs (((Leah))))


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2768186 11/14/17 11:13 AM
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Leah

I'm with you. I got some meds the other day and am very glad. I don't think I could have gotten ANY of the Div paperwork done without them. Let alone my brother's cancer and more recent sh1t discoveries of h.

But my job interview went well and something makes me feel like I'm closer to the last lap and I guess here's what was said that hit me and might resonate for you.

the interviewer knew I've had a crappy time of it lately (I guess my friend passed that along with my resume)

so at one point she said "well You've had a really hard year".

And I said "that's true and it's one way to frame it. But I'm trying to reframe it b/c it's also been a year of amazing painful growth and massive transition and I'm really starting to look forward to what I can create next."


That ^^^was the only thing I saw her write down.

And it wasn't BS.

(It also won't be how I always feel, but the glimpses Leah, the glimpses of what we might be getting close to, what we might be building ourselves as we rescue ourselves,

sometimes that is what keeps me going.

Maybe they will help us get though all of this sh1tstorm.


I feel called or led to have something good come of this ordeal -not just MY own growth but a way to help others and I mean outside of this site, too.

Anyhow, I relate. I fear the other shoe dropping, and ( cannot wait for h to stop spreading his darkness. My sleep sukks without meds, which I finally got, thank God.

H was Making our youngest cry with his texts. WHO DOES THAT?? Him that's who.

Better questions are what do WE want in OUR lives now and going forward??

Not making it about them/him, but just about US. What matters to US?

New fav words - me/myself and I.

Does that sound selfish? SORRY but that is too darn bad. Gotta put the 02 on my face before I can put it on the kids and as for h,

he can get his own = or change saliva and air with schmoopie. It is so NOT my problem.

((( Leah!! )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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[quote=25yearsmlc]Leah
Better questions are what do WE want in OUR lives now and going forward??

THIS.

Because car tags are due on both ends, but the notices come to me, b/c OF COURSE I'm the one who always TOOK CARE OF THINGS and changed the address..........

focus, Leah, focus...........

a phone call was necessary. Since I tried 3 texts and got no response, I just thought - WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? PICK UP THE DAM PHONE AND CALL UNTIL HE ANSWERS. It's HIS TRUCK for God's sake. (Insert laugh here.)

So I did. Early in the morning, which evidently is his best time (which to be fair, I should have remembered that), and he was already at work in his new office, and answered on the first ring. (And when I said How is that going? he said let me send you a pic from where I'm sitting at my desk.- Total straight ahead Lady Liberty, Tower One, well you get the pic- and just to be fair, his sister was horrified when I told her he sent me a pic of the skyline, b/c she said it was like rubbing in my face and very tacky- but as I told her, I did not take it that way, and I don't think he meant it that way. The rise to this place has been a journey that we shared as a team, and although he's lost sight of the rest of that, I don't think he's forgotten this piece. The things he said before sending the pic let me know he was trying to say thank you for helping me get here.) Hard to convey in a forum or even just words.)

Note to me. He prefers phone calls to texts. NOW. Not always the case, but this is not familiar H we are dealing with. (I know, grammar police, I ended sentence with a preposition- ok, re-read as--- this is not familiar H we are dealing with, BIT$H.)

I know, old joke for you teachers out there. FOCUS, LEAH.

So, I said I need to know what to do about truck tags (multiple)- and I cannot afford to pay for them anyway, so let me know.

HE SAYS- well, I can take care of them next week, while I'm there.

Wait-

He's coming south, and hasn't told me? This does not bode well for R. I fully expected him to stay north for at least T'giving, but evidently his ailing mom needs him to come, so he will come. Which I think is totally the right move for him. She needs him, and honestly, he needs HER. He just may not realize it yet.

I just was so surprised (and this was LIVE people, on the actual phone- no time to think and plan a cool, DB, good response) that I said Oh you're coming down? Were you going to tell me?

I wasn't screeching at this point, so no 2x4s yet.

He said of course I was- I just decided yesterday. (Which I'll give him a point there- his sister backed that up both BEFORE the weekend, then again today).

GOOD NEWS: he's bringing two large suitcases of the clothes I've been asking for, along with some other specific things I've asked for-

so I said, well I think we need to sit down and maybe talk about where we go from here- I don't see any reason for us to spend thousands of dollars on deciding how this plays out, when I don't feel there's animosity between us, and we should be able to just figure it out, get a lawyer, and go from there.

He agreed.

OK, 2x4s welcome.

There was much more to the conversation, and all about cars, trucks, dividing things, etc., nothing personal. And he said "I'll reach out before I come down and we can make a plan." He flies in Friday, but not to this house. His plan is to stay with his sister, and be there for the AU game (!!!! WDE), this weekend, family thing Sunday, (I guess take care of tags, etc. Monday and Tuesday, then fly back Wednesday.

(PS- I HAD told him this summer during the visit that I would be traveling during T'giving and today he said, I did think you might be gone part of that time. Which kind of indicates he would have just dropped the stuff off here or left it with his sister, and not have had to see me FTF), but OK. Really I'm just proud to be getting my good winter clothes.)

I have a full work schedule during his time here, which of course I will keep. I suggested maybe we just meet for lunch and talk, and he said ok. But I will let him arrange that, and if he doesn't, then I'm ok with that. I will not be the one who reaches out, if any reaching out is done.

I guess the point of all this is to catch my faithful readers up to date, so that when I blow a gasket after his visit, I won't have to give any history.

But 25, if you're still reading, the thing that slammed me against the wall was your saying "what about what WE want."

All afternoon I've been consumed with wondering, I wish I knew if he was going to talk about "if and when we want to divorce", OR "the terms of our divorce ($).

But your post reminded me to consider, for the love, what does LEAHSUE bring to the table?

Even if he brings I still don't know what I want, whine, whine, so don't give up hope for us (while I pay for you to stay down south, and I do whatever the he11 I want for as long as I want),

is that enough for me?

DEAR LORD, I HOPE NOT. I cannot lose sight of the fact that if I'm ever in another relationship, it has to be someone who chooses me every single day, not when it works for him. It needs to be a man who does not want to live without me, not one who would prefer I stay a little longer in another part of the country.

Wow, this has turned into a rant. Sorry, friends. This feels so much better than the constant tears. I'm sure it will circle back, but I've been reminded here over and over, that that's OK, too.

To add some excitement to the day, took sweet dog to vet and she may have Cushing's Disease (for dogs), so there's that. More tests tomorrow. IDK much about that ailment, but I'm SURE internet can thoroughly educate me. And throw me into an "I can't breathe" kind of state, but honestly, I'd rather deal with that, than "I don't even care" kind of state.

I can think of so many song lyrics to insert here, but I'll liven this place up and ask for ideas??? (If I've still got friends following along. I know this was long.)


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

leahsue #2768204 11/14/17 03:08 PM
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No 2x4s from me. I think you handled that interaction very well. Good work!

I do think you are asking the right questions. What do you want at this stage? Reconciliation? Divorce? More time in limbo?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2768214 11/14/17 06:05 PM
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ya done good Leah!

(grammar police is off duty)


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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I think you did an excellent job of handling this situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I woke up today with an entirely new thought.

WHAT IF..... he WAS planning to see me, maybe even spend some time here (which I would not have been OK with, but he wouldn't know that until we talked about it), but I approached him first, about the tags, before he had a chance to tell me he was coming. And b/c I was so stunned, I jumped straight to the conclusion that he had all the details worked out with his sister, and those plans did not include me at all. I remembered this morning, that when I spoke with his sister late yesterday, she said "I"M PICKING HIM UP FROM AIRPORT? We haven't even discussed it! We had a 30 second conversation this morning and he said I've decided to come south so I'll be able to be at the family thing Sunday. He did not say a WORD about staying with me, etc. We were both busy with work, so I just said that's great, Mama will be so excited."
I may have jumped way ahead here in READING HIS MIND, and of course I'm leaning toward the negative, and assuming he was going to by-pass me this trip. But I may be wrong.
I'm not sure it really matters, but it makes me feel less combative about our meeting, and hopefully will make me more open-minded about what he wants to say, rather than assuming this will be the last time we see each other.

I still don't know what I want to happen, but this makes me want to let HIM lead the talk this time, and me just listen. I can always say I need to think about all you've said. I think it's time I really listened to what he has to say, without leading or steering the conversation, which is usually what happens. VALIDATE.

Oh well, just thinking out loud in writing. We shall see.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

leahsue #2768263 11/15/17 04:20 AM
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Leah,

That’s a good plan. This is something the d b coach has helped me with. How to take the pressure off myself to always have an answer. This is a 180 for me! I am now comfortable with saying “I don’t know” and “I need more time to think about that.” If you don’t know what you want, give yourself the gift of time.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
leahsue #2768265 11/15/17 04:31 AM
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Leahsue,

I know this is difficult for you, but you need to allow him to "lead" the dance for a bit. It's best to allow him to talk and you listen. If you do this, listen very closely, and I mean closely, for he will tell you things that you need to know. If they are allowed to talk w/o interruption, they do tend to spill the beans and talk away w/o a filter.

If you sit quietly, the answers will be revealed to you. You have to dig deeper for patience.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2768340 11/15/17 12:48 PM
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Leah, try to get off the rollercoaster and reach a place where your mood is not determined by what he is doing, whether he is contacting you, and whether he is coming. Read your recent posts again. There is an awful lot of excitement and expectation and excuse-making going on there. Try to let him do the reaching out. Now you will never know if he would have contacted you while he was there. You knew he would go through a period of withdrawal after you guys spent the time together. He is acting according to script. You need to do the same.

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