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leahsue #2765042 10/12/17 01:35 AM
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I read this today and thought it was beautifully worded. Just wanted to share and maybe help lift someone up.

"Grief showed up at my feet on December 26, 2016. She took my hands and started dancing frantically, pushing me to my knees. She’s been with me in the horrific initial conversation and has twirled beautifully as I’ve started to stand. I carry her with her sharp teeth, and soft feet in my heart pocket as I wake and work and again find joy. She is the cold ache of lost and alone, and also the warm reminder that I will survive, love again, and become stronger and more authentic every day."

And also, from a new favorite author,

"what I miss most is how you loved me. but what I didn't know was that how you loved me had so much to do with the person I was. it was a reflection of everything I gave to you. coming back at me. how did I not see that. how. did I sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would love me that way. when it was I that taught you. when it was I that showed you how to fill. the way I needed to be filled. how cruel I was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you recognized it. as if I was already not these things before I met you. as if I did not remain all these once you left."

Let's not sell ourselves short in our beat-up frame of reference. We. Are. Enough.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

leahsue #2765071 10/12/17 03:51 AM
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Love that quote leahsue - and the concept.

It perhaps makes sense to me that she was mirroring those things in me that she admired or that she wanted me to see - she once told me that she was a better person than she normally would have been because of me - until she couldn't any more.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2765079 10/12/17 06:01 AM
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Yes, lovely quotes thank you. And so important to reconnect with our inherent worth through this process. That's really a journey worth taking and so many of us lose parts of ourselves through being married. Also, we (I!) have relied so much on the good opinion of others. In my marriage, I operated through a lens of 'what kind of wife do I think you want' and 'what kind of stepmom should I be?'

Now I just try and bring me to the table and make my best effort with things. It is freeing to think less about what should I do or what do they thing, and think more about what do I want to do? What works for me? That doesn't mean less kindness or support or help - but just a stronger sense of self and motives in the process..

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
leahsue #2765517 10/16/17 01:53 PM
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I read that quote, especially the second one, and as you suspected, it touched me Leahsue.

Today it's one year ago that I last saw my h, and that's the day we separated.

How odd. But I'm okay.

Thank you.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Leahsue

author's name? And again, thanks!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 561
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Rupi Kaur


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

leahsue #2765533 10/16/17 10:27 PM
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Nice quotes. Thanks for sharing.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2766043 10/21/17 10:49 AM
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Wow, loved that second one. And like AndrewP, w has told me that she was a better person with me than she ever would have been without me. Yet, she still wants to leave me...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2766214 10/23/17 08:22 AM
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leahsue Offline OP
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Just checking in.

I started a new part time job yesterday- driving for an app called Waitr. I've never done ANYTHING like this, and it was actually great fun. I can pick my hours so that's nice. I'm planning to do it from now until the end of the year, just to have some extra $ for the holidays, and get out of the house. The other drivers are so helpful and nice, and between orders we hang out in a local parking area that's central to everything (and about 200 yards from my house, which is NICE!)

Hopefully in January I get the job in the government office, which would be until April/May. But this will be good to do until then. Slowly work myself back into the routine of reporting to work every day.

Haven't heard from H since he missed the anniversary and storm, with the exception of two texts that we exchanged regarding income tax. They were polite and business-like, only a couple of sentences each way.

If nothing changes inside ME, I'm planning to file when my atty visit comes up on Nov. 6. The M is dead, and TBH, I'm not sure I ever even want to move back up north. The more of a life that I build for myself here, the less I miss the old one. I miss having a H, but I'm not even sure I miss HIM any more. Certainly not the "new" H. I don't even LIKE him.

I've cried a lot lately, deep wracking sobs that just come on with no obvious trigger..... but I think that is grief over what I thought my future looked like, rather than sadness at the end of the marriage. The further away from it I get, the more I see how much of myself I lost the last few years. I need to get her back. Life just got too easy, and I got lazy and quit trying to work at it. Not just the M, but life in general. I think that starts to make us old before our time.

So maybe there's a silver lining to the last year. Who knows?

Today, I'm in a good place. And thankful, oh so thankful, so be here.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

leahsue #2766218 10/23/17 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted By: leahsue
Just checking in.

I started a new part time job yesterday- driving for an app called Waitr. I've never done ANYTHING like this, and it was actually great fun. I can pick my hours so that's nice. I'm planning to do it from now until the end of the year, just to have some extra $ for the holidays, and get out of the house. The other drivers are so helpful and nice, and between orders we hang out in a local parking area that's central to everything (and about 200 yards from my house, which is NICE!)

I worked in my brother's cidery/distillery with my older sister to help with a big festival. Never sat down for 6 hours! (Can't believe I almost brought a book. Uh, no, no reading happened).

Yeah, I'm a L and she's a nurse, but we can sling hard cider! Very different and it's part of the new life. So i get it.



Haven't heard from H since he missed the anniversary and storm, with the exception of two texts that we exchanged regarding income tax. They were polite and business-like, only a couple of sentences each way.

If nothing changes inside ME, I'm planning to file when my atty visit comes up on Nov. 6. The M is dead, and TBH, I'm not sure I ever even want to move back up north. The more of a life that I build for myself here, the less I miss the old one. I miss having a H, but I'm not even sure I miss HIM any more. Certainly not the "new" H. I don't even LIKE him.

This ^^ makes me very sad, but it resonates a lot. It is something I have to hammer home b/c I tend to second guess myself if the day is dreary or if I feel at all lonely.

Sheesh. (Not as if being inside the m the past few years wasn't lonely too.) Maybe We need to remind ourselves of that.

H made some political/theological comments I strongly disagreed with. Which surprised me too. And Not presented in a very diplomatic way, either. I literally would not date someone who believed these things - (he did not feel this way when we married.) So once you are married, then they change, then what??

In a weird way, he has given me the opportunity to live my life the way I would have loved to live, with the old him, or the him I thought he was.) But now, without him.



I've cried a lot lately, deep wracking sobs that just come on with no obvious trigger..... but I think that is grief over what I thought my future looked like, rather than sadness at the end of the marriage.

i hear you

Kind of find myself sad more lately. Which is weird b/c I can count on one hand how many times I've really cried hard about this. I stuff it down b/c I think it seems too large.





The further away from it I get, the more I see how much of myself I lost the last few years. I need to get her back. Life just got too easy, and I got lazy and quit trying to work at it. Not just the M, but life in general. I think that starts to make us old before our time.


Amen^^^. Embarrassing at times and almost devastating - but in a way maybe it's good. Aside from what we can embrace, MAYBE it's good to know that if we get another chance, we won't make those mistakes again.



So maybe there's a silver lining to the last year. Who knows?

or maybe we sew that silver lining ourselves? I'm asking.


Today, I'm in a good place. And thankful, oh so thankful, so be here.



((( )))


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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