25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

Always seems a bit more complicated on the other side of the pond! A friend of mine is going through D at the mo. Despite him having a business two properties and two good pensions his lawyer recommended he offered cash instead and she went for it!

My guess is that your friend had good reason to take the cash instead. I don't want to spend, for instance, $100 in legal fees to get $125 a year later.

I would greatly prefer a buy out at this point, to cut ties to h, and b/c I'm not interested in having the sword of Damacles over my head every time h feels like going back to court. Plus "A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush" so to speak.

So far, for me, it has not been the law that isn't fair (per se), b/c I got a decent ruling from the court.

It's the PROCESS in which the payor holds out -even when ordered to pay support - and keeps holding out until you have to drag their a$$ to court every time they have a tantrum AND THEN attach their assets in another state - or country - and then sell the assets to assert a claim against. Plus assets they took in the first place...

(OR get a judgement if you believe they'll get a bonus or inheritance. And you must keep track of that well, both of which are energy and resource consuming).

I'm not giving up the pension, however. The buy out is for other assets and spousal support.

For many women (or whoever the lower earning spouse is) the tragedy comes if there are is no employment or if there are no assets other than income

and then the payor hides it (which chances are, my h has done).

And when there are small children. It's really a sleazy act of selfishness, vindictiveness and cowardice.

And it's not rare.

So yeah, if the offer is reasonable I'll take it, and move the he11 on in my life.

H's problems with our kids are NOT my problem, though I hope/pray for whatever is best for my kids. Not even sure what that is, at this point. But again, not my problem.

[kml]

New people are making up almost half of what I'm doing and I am grateful for that b/c there's just no associations of h with them.

That was my experience too, and it was a good thing. Also, although I'm sorry for the kids that their childhood home was sold out from under them so abruptly, I'm glad I'm not living there with all the memories.

My new home is a 2350 sf 4 bedroom (spacious by our So Cal standards) and currently full with adult children and my mom. But one option for me down the line, as they move out or move on, would be to rent out some of those bedrooms. To me that's a more attractive choice than downsizing, and the income generated would be a nice addition to my retirement.

When do you come out here for your court date? Maybe we will have to arrange to get together for some (in your case, virgin) margaritas.

As for dating - just keep it simple. No need to get into a whole relationship right away, but some friendly dates and/or booty calls with someone you know already sounds like a nice transition.

BTW - if you haven't seen it yet, The Big Sick is out on pay per view - I really enjoyed it, you probably would too.

[25yearsmlc]

There comes a time when it is more painful to be in the limbo state.. then to just have it over. You see the finish line, Step into this. Embrace it. That's when the true healing begins.

So proud of your kids... and of YOU.

((( )))

I MISSED THIS^^^ --- and you Val!! Yes, limbo truly wears on your soul, your self esteem and the ability to THINK AHEAD

b/c you are so filled with fear (terror, really) that you are not safe, or desirable or sexy or lovable. Helping just with that^^ takes a ton of faith and cognitive work, and feedback from loved ones - to remember you are loved, lovable, and you are not a villain. People say divorce won't define them, but I think how we react to it can.

I'm not staying down for this. If I'm screwed in the settlement, so be it. (NO I don't plan on it, just saying I cannot enter the discussion with terror as a motivator).


I am more focussed on my present time and planning a future than I have been in a long time. Actually, more than ever, come to think of it.

I still hesitate till I know the numbers but the future images help me today...

I am putting myself out there joining things, studying things like woodworking and philosophy - which I always wanted to do and would not have done if h were around

b/c I focussed all of my time on him IF / WHEN he was available. Like my life was made up of "h time and non h time". God...smh.

This is not me pushing my envelope so much as just filling my free time with stuff I want to do. No restrictions from others, for the first time in my life.


*Yes I know it's not linear and I'll backslide.

Lately I only backslide when I see triggers like grandparents playing with their grandkids or a couple finally living in their dream home, and thinking

"damn, We won't ever have that" ---

oh, and times when suddenly remember something lousy or increasingly suspicious that H did, and I get mad at H and then mad at myself for not reacting to it or "waiting" for h to appreciate my devotion and loyalty and - whatever. But my T is helping me a lot with this. What a Godsend she is.

The backslide moments are fewer & don't last as long.

I'm sure I'll look back when this is all over and take things in.

When you are IN IT, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Somehow my self protection mode is on right now, and as you say, I'm trying hard to stay focussed on the finish line.

(((( V ))))

[PsySara]

When you are IN IT, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Somehow my self protection mode is on right now, and as you say, I'm trying hard to stay focused on the finish line.

Truer words have never been spoken. I find myself reading other's journeys and I am like," Oh I know what I would do!" when in reality I am making the same errors and expecting different outcomes. But when there is so much emotion at play we don't work strategically.

[25yearsmlc]

When you are IN IT, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Somehow my self protection mode is on right now, and as you say, I'm trying hard to stay focused on the finish line.

Truer words have never been spoken. I find myself reading other's journeys and I am like," Oh I know what I would do!" when in reality I am making the same errors and expecting different outcomes. But when there is so much emotion at play we don't work strategically.

Amen.

In fact - this just happened. - I'm walking my great dog on a well deserved walk to a park.

Then I get a text from H that he's "been reaching out to brother, and brother has been very helpful."

Okay no big deal, not a big move.

EXCEPT I was walking outdoors -a gorgeous day - and I got so nervous and sick feeling and pre-occupied I shortened the dog walk and went home.

WTF is wrong with me??

(Not to mention how bummed out my dog is).

It was a text. I found myself wondering what it meant. Did h want to circumvent my brother and deal directly with me? Why? Because he'd be better able to control the outcome?

But he deeply fears confrontation so that cannot be it. Or he wants things to be more amicable, (me too).

I realized this^^ was nutty and fruitless.

No I did not text back. Then I found myself thinking "that's rude of me".

RUDE OF ME!!???

So then I did a quick review of the past year.

Nope, Not the whole marriage and not my role, or what I wish I had done differently, or even an objective marital review.

JUST the past 14 months, his not flying out when I was in the ICU, then the lies of omission about where he was and with whom, and worse, the hiding marital assets and then, my personal fav - his posting on Facebook about his finding the "love of his life."

Oh yeah...Okay, ^^^that was a cold splash of reality water

yes, it worked. I snapped myself out of it.

PsySara, it is brutal to do this ^^ when we are on the road to detahcment.

But in the long run this saves us so much pain and so much time.

[kml]

This is why you have to train him to email instead of texting. Emails do not demand immediate attention the way that texts do, and therefore are less likely to ruin your day. (It's also easier to save emails for court).

Try just responding via email, in your own time. Just respond "please just send your proposal to my attorney and I will review it).

[kml]

And btw, if you suspect brother is not being helpful TO YOU, I'd ask him to just say the same to your stbxh - send his proposal to your attorney.

[leahsue]

25,

Earlier in the week, H texted me (in response to a text I sent him about upcoming tax deadline) about what a stressful week he was having, (having to go before the president and board of his company explaining why he's one million over budget on this move.... blah blah) and when I made the necessary reply, I tacked on (and wished later that I hadn't but had just stuck to business one liner) that I hoped everything went well. Not too much, but more than I should have.

So Friday night I get a random text from him that says "wow what a week-thanks for your support." Which I saw as a conversation opener from him.

And I chose not to respond. Which is TOTALLY unlike me. First of all, I had 5 of my best girlfriends here for a sleepover and was too busy GAL to respond, and second of all, I did not FEEL like responding. I'm just really feeling kind of over the whole thing right now.

But then I did the SAME THING YOU DID- started to feel like "Now I'm being rude."

RUDE????? RUDE?????? SERIOUSLY?????

When I just read your post, I thought- Wow, good for 25 for recognizing the ridiculousness in those thoughts!- then 5 seconds later saw my own forest in spite of the trees.

One more thought though.

I think both our thought processes say so VERY much about the kind of people you and I are, and who our Hs are.

Right?

[joejoe1]

Leahsue,

Isn't that funny how that works. When the LBS don't react or respond we become rude after all we have accepted. The WAS wants space and when we give them space and don't respond in kind, we become (what we think is rude). It definitely shows what typebof people we are.

[25yearsmlc]

And btw, if you suspect brother is not being helpful TO YOU, I'd ask him to just say the same to your stbxh - send his proposal to your attorney.

Brother is helping as far as I can tell. He's careful not to second guess or overstep with my L. It is advantageous imo, to have h believe he's saving money by negotiating or by feeling he's saving legal fees. And he probably is.

I'm not sure, but my gut says h's L is blowing steam up H's butt. OR was.

It's one thing for h to only hear what he wants to hear, or only hear what he fears. All true.

But it's not like him to overlook his biggest fear, which is to be screwed in court. Hard to believe his lawyer did not give his blessing to "just not paying what the court ordered...good luck to 25 getting the money you don't really 'get'".

Not sure this^^ matters, but it does not impress me much about other lawyers, which is professionally disappointing.

I trust my brother. H's L is out of town and I suspect he's trying not to use his L as much anyhow.

H is cheap, btw. I mean, notoriously so. Bro answered h's question - which was whether my L & I will come up with 2 numbers this week

1) arrears and 2) buy out for future requirements to which my brother said "thinks so."

I believe h is anxious to earn the big bucks and prepare to be out there with it. And as I said, maybe remarry. But he could bifurcate the divorce is remarrying was his only concern (separate the money issues form the divorce itself). My L offered that (without asking me, btw) and so far no one bit.

Not sure why h mentioned the kids not speaking to him, (which might change if h picked up the phone) but it's probably the 3 channels of the disorder -

charm, rage and self pity.

Even as I write this^^ I feel as if it does not quite fit. Like h is better than that. Damn, I am glad I have a good T.