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siknsad #2762179 09/18/17 07:27 AM
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Journaling:

IC has been going well for me. W has been texting here and there temp checking and I calidate but she is still set in her ways (although no mention of D or R or MR) I have just been GAL and doing my thing. I am not sure if there is anything else I can try other than going dark and validating since we don't see one another. Any advice?


M 43 W 43
Married 14 months
Involved On/Off 6 years
No Children
WLMB - 05/17
WLH - 07/15/17
W Change of Address 07/20/17
NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)


siknsad #2762183 09/18/17 08:26 AM
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Just keep doing what your doing. Let her keep temp checking and validating. GAL should be your main focus at this moment. Have her wondering what your up to when your not quick to answer the phone.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Tread #2762197 09/18/17 10:59 AM
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siknsad Offline OP
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She has eluded to OM (in a very cryptic and roundabout way) I didn't bite when she elected the "my anxiety is so bad I can't be touched at ALL now" (we live apart so how did she find that out.. LOL). Yes, I think just validating and GAL along with staying dark and give at least several hours before responding to a text is probably best (she never voice calls). I just didn't know if there was anything else that I should be experimenting with.


M 43 W 43
Married 14 months
Involved On/Off 6 years
No Children
WLMB - 05/17
WLH - 07/15/17
W Change of Address 07/20/17
NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)


siknsad #2763012 09/24/17 06:42 AM
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Journaling:

I had to meet with W to talk about insurance information and she stayed very professional and didn't deviate from the topic at hand. She did talk about "actions speaking louder than words" as it pertained to putting her name on the deed of the house that was an inheritance by my father. I really don't know how to put this. She talked with the impression that whether our marriage survived or not I should do the "morally right" thing. A few days later she texted me and was back to her cold self. I am debating just going dark permanently and seeing a timeline of 6 months from her move out date back in July and them filing (not letting her know my intentions). It feels as if I am moving forward and she is staying in her same ol' comfort zone of stagnation and that this marriage is pretty much doomed. Maybe I am being too hard on myself. We did have some very light talk (mostly with validation on my part) about the future, or lack thereof, of our R or M and she, of course, did not speak in any absolutes. She simply stuck to her actions speak louder than words ideology and informed me that by her NOT filing for divorce she is showing me that she doesn't want to divorce RIGHT NOW (yeah, believe 0% of what ya hear...etc). She also stated that she did not think that we would be separated after only 15 months of marriage. She eluded to the fact that she wants to get out of her ex husbands house and get her own place (which I am taking as her just moving further away emotionally from the marriage --yes I know...don't mind read), but her ACTIONS of doing that are speaking louder than any words of NOT wanting to be divorced. At any rate, I guess, it is the daily GAL and keeping myself busy and positive about myself (per serenity prayer and church) that keeps me going forward. Feel free to chime in.


M 43 W 43
Married 14 months
Involved On/Off 6 years
No Children
WLMB - 05/17
WLH - 07/15/17
W Change of Address 07/20/17
NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)


siknsad #2763083 09/25/17 01:29 AM
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Originally Posted By: siknsad
She has eluded to OM


"Alluded". "Allude" is to refer to something in an indirect manner, "elude" it to avoid. I had two dear grandmothers that used to hammer on me about this stuff so sometimes I pass it on, LOL!

Quote:
She did talk about "actions speaking louder than words" as it pertained to putting her name on the deed of the house that was an inheritance by my father. I really don't know how to put this. She talked with the impression that whether our marriage survived or not I should do the "morally right" thing.


Just a quick recap- this is the same woman that has left you repeatedly, that refused to get out of bed for your first Thanksgiving together, that refuses you intimacy, that quit doing anything around the house in favor of staying in bed all the time, that never pitched in on cleaning, laundry and cooking and quit wearing her ring. Right? And she's now going to school you on what is "morally right". Well isn't that rich. If the house is an inheritance then it belongs to YOU. Giving part or all of it to her would be foolish at this point given her complete abandonment of you and the M.

Quote:
A few days later she texted me and was back to her cold self.


Has she ever been anything else?

Quote:
I am debating just going dark permanently and seeing a timeline of 6 months from her move out date back in July and them filing (not letting her know my intentions). It feels as if I am moving forward and she is staying in her same ol' comfort zone of stagnation and that this marriage is pretty much doomed. Maybe I am being too hard on myself.


Granted I only know what I've read here, but based on that I wholeheartedly agree with you that going dark is your best option. Going dark is not a technique to save your M, it's to save YOU. It's to insulate you from your W's craziness and help you recenter yourself. Do it and give yourself a couple of months to collect your thoughts and decide where you want to go from there.

Quote:
She simply stuck to her actions speak louder than words ideology and informed me that by her NOT filing for divorce she is showing me that she doesn't want to divorce RIGHT NOW


Honestly it sounds like she's trying to use that as leverage to get more stuff out of you (a part of the house or whatever). It's ironic that she keeps flaunting this "actions speak louder than words" phrase when HER actions have spoken volumes about how utterly checked out she is from the M.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I can't disagree on any of your points. I guess that I was hoping that there was something that I wasn't seeing. It sounds as if D is my only real option at this point. Well, going dark until my internal deadline is reached and triggers me filing.


M 43 W 43
Married 14 months
Involved On/Off 6 years
No Children
WLMB - 05/17
WLH - 07/15/17
W Change of Address 07/20/17
NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)


siknsad #2763478 09/27/17 12:15 PM
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siknsad Offline OP
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Journaling:

W texted me about insurance money and was being a bully that I drop everything to meet her right then and there because she had plans at 7:30pm. I stood my ground and told her that I am not on her time frame and I have things I have to tend to. She threw a fit and then showed up at the house 45 minutes later. She asked me how my day was...I ignored the question and gave her the money and with a smile said "I don't want you to be late... be safe" and walked into the house. She left. Sometimes, it is the little things.


M 43 W 43
Married 14 months
Involved On/Off 6 years
No Children
WLMB - 05/17
WLH - 07/15/17
W Change of Address 07/20/17
NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)


siknsad #2763479 09/27/17 12:20 PM
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siknsad Offline OP
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Some of you may think I DBed wrong here, but I am setting boundaries and she (and everyone else) has to know that there are consequences for crossing them. . (GAL)


M 43 W 43
Married 14 months
Involved On/Off 6 years
No Children
WLMB - 05/17
WLH - 07/15/17
W Change of Address 07/20/17
NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)


siknsad #2763482 09/27/17 12:45 PM
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So your W showed up at 8:15p? Is that what you agreed upon?

I know you are trying to set boundaries and in the beginning - it's tough... but remember they are for YOU. It's about how you want to be treated. You don't need to say that you aren't on her time frame... you just need to stand your ground that you're not available.

And if she comes unannounced - restate your boundary again. Going dark is about protecting yourself. Stay focused on that.

It's not YOUR place to give consequences. Life will do that naturally.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
Valeska19 #2763509 09/27/17 11:51 PM
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I told her my estimated availability and she was trying to bully me into an earlier time that I would have had to risk getting a speeding ticket to adhere to. I understand going dark is for me. To tell you the truth, when she contacts me I get anxious and when I see her I get nauseated. Simply put, I don't want her around me for my overall mental and physical health but I'll have to give her monthly payments for insurance until the end of the year and then hopefully I'll be in a much better place by then in my head to file and have her served.


M 43 W 43
Married 14 months
Involved On/Off 6 years
No Children
WLMB - 05/17
WLH - 07/15/17
W Change of Address 07/20/17
NC since 8/31/17 (no attempts from W made)


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