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LAJar, I can only offer support to you. I don't know what or how to broach the subject with your H. My BD was 7/2016 so I am about a year ahead of you on this journey, but I promise that it does get easier as you find the "YOU" that has been put on the back burner for the last many years.

Stand for as long as you can and then lean on others when you need to. You are in the right place for support from people who do indeed know what you are going through. They can help deal with the batchitcraziness that our MLC'ers show.

I don't know your entire background, but I will read through it and keep you and your family in my prayers. Enjoy your trip.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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LAJar, welcome to MLC forum. I was reading your updates and some things stroke some similarities to my story.

Originally Posted By: LAJar
S came home from school for a visit, so I was happy about that. H is the only father he's ever known, so I worry about how S is dealing with all of this. He's very much like me, private & keeps emotions inside. In the past, I avoided some conversations w/ S for fear of making him feel uncomfortable (and probably myself too). An example that caused a big problem for H & me, I never changed my maiden name & was a sore issue for H. My reasoning was that I didn't want H & me to have one name and S to have another and not feel like part of our family. I never asked S how he felt & when he was younger I still don't know how I would have felt discussing with him. As I got older, I should have brought it up. H told him the one time they spoke since he left, that it was an issue for him. I discussed w/ S and he very nonchanlantly said, If you would have wanted me to change my name, I would have. Uh! Talk about regret for something so simple.

I also have a son from my previous marriage, who my H raised since he was 8. My H never had kid son his own. My son knows his biological father, but there never was and still is not much contact with him, as he lives in a different country. My son’s father never contributed anything for my son. My H was the only father my son knew. I never took the last name of my son’s father, so we had different last names when I married my second H. I took his last name. When my son was 10, we asked him if he would want to change his last name to H’s. He said yes, so we did. We all had the same last name.

Well, this was a subject to some concern after H left. At some point in the first year after the speech and him leaving, he brought up a subject of divorce and along with that mentioned that I would probably would want to change my last name back to my maiden name. Not sure why it was his concern at all, but made me thinking… Mind you, it’s been 5 years since BD, and he hasn’t filed. I thought about the name change and decided that I am going to keep H’s last name for now, for my son’s sake.

My son is also very private person and doesn’t reveal his feelings and thought much. I’m worried about him. Even though he is an adult (he was 24 when H left), I think he “lost” the person he considered to be his father. There was not much communication from H with my son in the first 2-3 years after the BD. There is not much now either (since my son is an adult), but I think it got better.

It is great that the family supporting you. And it is also so typical for them to not understand all the MLS stuff and advice you to get out of this situation and move on. I’ve been there… Even had some heated discussions with my family.

I don’t really know how to advise you on the house. I didn’t have the same situation. I was a main breadwinner, and I could afford the house, which I still have. H singed it off to me in the first year after BD (I guess he didn’t want to be in this house and deal with it so badly, LOL), and I took it.
I second peace’s “hang in there friend”… and GAL advice. I personally think you are doing much better than I did at the beginning of my story. Take care of yourself.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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LAJar Offline OP
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SBJ, Thanks for your words and you know, just like the rest of us here, support is worth more than anything now. My head knows this will get easier, but my heart is having a harder time catching up on that one. Despite everything, I'm enjoying my little weekend getaway. It's a new place to be, on a trip solo. I'm taking it for what it's worth and consider it a growth opportunity, peaking outside of my comfort zone a bit and of course enjoying myself away from the crazy.

Bright, We are in a tough predicament with H and son. It's funny, both of our son's are adults, but wanting to protect them never goes away and is why we're moms. I'm sad to see even after 5 years, your H still has limited contact with son. Although, I'm glad to see it did improve a bit. I just don't understand this aspect of the MLC. It was so important for H to have that name, to consider us a family, but you put it to the test and this is what he does?! It's unbelievalbe. Also looking at the strained relationship b/t H and FIL, you would think he wouldn't do to someone else what's been done to him. His problems are with me, so he thinks, and not with son. Even as I write this, I know not speaking to son or my family is to protect himself. They would cause him to look in the mirror and face what he's really doing. Guilty, coward.

Re. family and their support, I shut it down when anyone tries to push for D. #1, my sitch is so new, I'm still trying to figure things out. #2, I have said, in no uncertain terms, I am married and take my vows seriously. I couldn't/wouldn't drop him as easily as he's done to me. However, I would never take H back so easily either. It couldn't just be an I messed up, I'm coming home. I would need him to acknowledge and actively address his issues (as would I). No going back to the illusion of our good marriage. This is all just what if's, since none of this is happening now.

The house issue is a big one. Since I see another L on Thursday, I hope to get some options on how to handle it best. If I do need to contact H, I think I'm just apprehensive about his response. The perceived anger and animosity (very public affair, not paying mortgage, zero contact) I feel from him is painful. However, the house and what I need to do should be pretty black and white. He's the breadwinner, but you wouldn't know it from his poor money management. I wish H would just sign it off to me, it would allow me to do what I need to do without H making decisions based on his emotions for me.

A question for you Bright, since I haven't had a chance to read up on you yet, how have you been able to do this for the last 5 years? Is no D yet because he hasn't done it and you are against it? I give you a lot of credit, because no matter what, it couldn't be easy.

My IC told me that he also though I was handling this relatively well. It scares me though that maybe I'm delusional and only trying to wait out this OW and MLC. In some ways probably, but I guess at the end of the day, if he pulls the trigger, I have no say in that and I'm not at the place where I'm interested in filing.

I appreciate your echoed sentiments. Believe me, I'm trying to hang in there. I think so far, this weekend is a GAL success. Thank you again.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Hey LAJar,

It was very tough for me for the first couple of years. People would say that I handled this just fine, but I was a big mess inside. I think my heart finally stopped pounding after the 2 and ½ years after BD. I could not eat (last a lot of weight) and was barely able to function in everyday life. I was a consultant for a long time and had to travel for work. I was able to hold on to my last contract and still do the job after H delivered BD, for about a year. Then my contract ended and I was not able to find a new one for a year. At that time, I already had my house on my name (H singed it off to me in the first year after the BD) and I was afraid that I had to sell it because I could no longer pay the mortgage. I finally applied for a full time job and it saved me.

H brought up a D subject a couple times during the first year. He told me that we could file online and get it done quickly. I told him that he could go ahead and file online or whatever other means he thought appropriate and send me the paper work, so I could forward it to my lawyer. He was surprised and asked me if I already had a lawyer. I said that I interviewed a couple at that time. He never followed on this though. He never filed. I haven’t either. I don’t really need an official D right now, as I have a pretty good life and the whole D process could be a lot of stress, plus I think that he needs to do it himself and see all the way through if he really wants it.

When H left, he made a decision for both of us… That I would retain the house, and he would get the condo in Mexico, where he desperately wanted to live. Well, he can only live there for about 4 months of the year, in the Winter, because he has to work for living, and he works in another state (up North), not the state I live in. This condo is still on both of our names (mortgage and the Mexico trust). He pays the mortgage. But, I still can come over and stay in there, when he is not there, of course. I think this condo is what it holding him back from filing for D. It would not be that easy to transfer it to his name.

But, I don’t really know what is holding H back from filing… There was never an OW as far as I know. He might have had some casual Rs, but there was nobody permanent. He might just like the status quo… Sometimes I think that no OW is actually slows things down, LOL. He is still holding on to a hope that he can find that perfect “harmonious” relationship that he thinks he needs (obviously, I was not the one to provide it for him.)

We also still have a lot of things in joint accounts, including the car insurance. I give H an exit option every year, but he chooses to stay on the same policy. We also have a joint business.

Anyway, there are a lot more details in my sitch, but I don’t want to highjack your thread. All I can say, that it gets easier. And some people are able to move on a lot faster than others. I’m not one of these people. I still experience sadness about what happened to us. It is still hard to believe that H did this to us. But, like I said, I have a good live and this journey thought me a lot! I’m very different person from when I was 5 years ago.

My heart goes out to you… I know how difficult it is, especially in the first year. But, one thing that should be done no matter what, is taking care of your financial stuff. I absolutely agree with others here that you should think business when it comes to D and all other financial matters. I know it could be difficult, but need to protect yourself. MLCers could set so hard on D, but it doesn’t mean it is the end of the word. There are so many stories here about MLCers who divorced their spouses, but regret it years later. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. They learn it sooner or later.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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LAJar Offline OP
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Peace,
I'm glad to see it gets easier. I can't imagine living years on end like this, with the sadness, anger, confusion, disgust and I could go on... It's amazing to see the chaos MLCers leave behind. I would suspect that a good portion of LBS were going along just fine in life, at least financially speaking. Then in the blink of an eye, falling into the complete unknown. Although, for you getting that job after you last contract must have felt great after what you'd already been through.

At least your H did you a favor and signed the house over to you. If only my H was so "kind", life would be so much easier. As if any of this is easy! I know I can't pull H away from OW, but H messing with my financial future is just crazy to me. We held off for so long before finally deciding to purchase a home and to have it all come crashing down only 3 months later, I still find it hard to believe.

You may be able to relate, but I think many believe because we didn't have biological children together, it should be easier to move on. Emotionally it is all the same. We just don't have the messiness of child support or custody. I would have thought helping to raise son would have tied H to him, but I know that's not the case with MLCers and their bio children.

At this point, I'm not moving on from my marriage either, I'm just trying to continue on with life. I don't have the ability to lay in bed all day being depressed. I have to get up, look presentable and function at work. Of course, the weekends are a whole other story. Emotionally, this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in life. I can see being the same as you, in that years later I would still get sad by the turn in our R. I can't stop thinking how unbelievable it all is. And yes, with your H, OW would probably have sped up the process. Although, thankfully it spared you more grief. Seeing H move on so easily with OW is painful beyond belief.

It helps to come here and read what other newbies are dealing with and getting advice, insight and compassion from the vets. I'll say it over and over again, no one can really relate unless they've been through it.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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LAJar Offline OP
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Bright, That last response was to you. Just realized I mixed up my responses!


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Every thing in this process takes time. More time than we'd like. From what I have noticed, rushing stages or shortening efforts never gives long term results. Quick fixes are temporary.

I am not just talking about the DB process, but also our emotional well being and self improvements. You will feel better. It will hurt less. Each step you take will bring you closer to that.

It has been said by many learned people that happiness ( and love)are a choice. It only takes seconds to make that choice. Once made you live your life that way. Sounds simple and I suppose for some it is. Google Excel at Life.they have many articles and podcasts about happiness, stress etc. I found it very insightful and helpful.

As long as you are focused on feeling better and improving, you are moving forward. Moving on is completely different.

This is definitely the worst thing I have gone through too. I wasn't ready for it and it kicked my ass early on. With each knock down.we get to choose to get back up. Having another focus is the incentive we need. None of us here are perfect at navigating this phase of our lives. This community helps us do that.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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LAJar Offline OP
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Roist,

Time. The days are going by, but as a whole it feels so slowly. I keep saying the last two months have felt like two years! I am doing my best to GAL - going to the gym, IC, when possible spending time with friends and family. I am feeling hopeful about a new course I am planning on taking to possibly start a side business. It is something I've wanted to do for a while and now seems like a good time to jump in. It will give me a great distraction, new potential income, meet some new people and just overall improve on myself.

I thank you for the Excel at Life site. I was struggling with how to more actively be introspective, really look at my part in the breakdown of our marriage and find ways to make changes. This will be a good place to start. I'm all about the reading that leads me to think.

I was so not ready for this. Just a few days before H left, we had a normal weekend - had a nice dinner at a new restaurant, took care of house stuff together, watched tv together. Just normal married stuff, until I picked at him and he got mad. I know if it wasn't this time it was going to be another.

I do choose to get back up, I just wish it was a bit easier and I wish it wasn't alone.


M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 83
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LAJar Offline OP
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VENTING SESSION: So today I went for a consultation with a third attorney. She doesn't do litigation, but specializes in collaborative, mediation, and 3-step divorce process. I felt really good about her because she was very thorough about all three of those options. As much as an attorney can, she doesn't seem like she's just trying to make money off this horrible process, which is why she no longer litigates. I can hire her to get through as much of the process as possible, if it looks like H and his L won't budge, she will pass me off to a litigator. That was a new revelation, paperwork was filed for H's new L, which I saw for the first time when she pulled up our case file. I also saw yesterday that H ended up paying the mortgage and ended up hitting for October, since I paid September's when he failed to do so. My guess is his L advised him to make that payment. My heart fell when I saw that he hired a L. BD was 10 weeks ago, PA has moved along so quickly from meeting her family to a weekend trip and taking her to FILs house. Through my own investigative work, I don't believe anything was going on for more than a month before BD. H is very impulsive, so I can see how he could fall so quickly for someone else who is doing all the right things, then move forward with D also quickly. I am just so upset that he is making such rash decisions that will have such long lasting effects on my life and my son's.

That's another thing, even though S is 26, I still worry so much about how this is affecting him. He's told me he's fine, but I know that's not true. How could it not, when you've never had your bio dad in your life and this is the only father you've known?! Spoke to S today and SIL texted him for the first time, but he never responded. He said he doesn't blame her for H's choices, he just didn't know what to say to her and he said he just doesn't want to think about it. Not that he has to think about it 24/7, but saying you don't want to think about it, doesn't seem like you're fine either.

Most likely will hire this L, which I feel as good as I possibly can about this impossibly shitty situation. I know the most important things is to protect myself, but I just feel really helpless at this moment. I kept on feeling like I was holding it together for the most part, but was worried I might be in a little denial and that's why I was holding it together. Denial that he would move forward w/ divorce process since I still haven't been served and he didn't have a L. Now that he has a L (not just a paralegal) I'm sure I'll be served soon. Now that I'm actually dealing with the divorce process, I'm really emotional. Since I have no communication with him, I was just pretending he doesn't exist - out of sight, out of mind. Not easy, but easier than the alternative. I keep on thinking, He's stolen my happy.

I hope my stream of consciousness makes some sense.

Last edited by job; 09/30/17 01:05 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M:43 H:44
M:10 T:14
S:26
BD:7/21/17
H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served)
PA:8/30/17
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Posts: 1,065
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Hey LAJar, I just got caught up on your thread.

I see so many similarities with our sitches. My D is not my H's biological Dad either and I kept my name after marrying H so it could be the same as D's. During our married life we kept a lot of things separate like bank accounts etc and I always wonder if this has made it easier for him to leave. Although my xH supports D financially she has not seen him since she was six so H is the only Dad she knows. I know she really misses him but she is still very angry and refuses to see him.

I also pay the mortgage on my own although I earn much less than H but I don't want to sell the house. I was so worried all the time, like there is the sword of Damocles hanging over me with what he will decide next year when our mortgage comes up for renewal. However the other day something just clicked and I thought why should it be up to him! So I have made some decisions for myself so when the time comes I will be in control of my life and not just wait for him to make a decision for me.

I am sorry you found out that H has retained a lawyer. Again I wonder if this is retaliation from finding out you have sought advice? It all seems very petty from his side. It's also amazing that he can throw the baby out with the bath water and do everything so quickly for someone he hasn't known for that long! A,though we don't know for sure if this A will ,art it does seem line he is going at a hundred miles an hour so at some point he will slow down and have to face all the things that have happened.

My H has said nothing about getting a D except at the beginning of the sitch when I told him if I was that bad a wife then why doesn't he go ahead and D me and he said I should do it because he has been terrible and abandoned me! They are so lazy it's amazing! I agree dont help your H to do anything about D. Let him to all the legwork.

LAJar, as I said on my thread, I did not realise I would still be hear nearly 17 months later but here I am! I haven't seen or heard my H's voice since the last week of June but I know if I asked him over for lunch tomorrow he would be here in a shot, that's the strange thing!

I'm not sure where to go from here but as all the others have said we just have to keep continuing with our lives and making those changes which we think might help us to better understand ourselves. I too was very controlling in my marriage but I recently made the connection with my childhood and never knowing if my parents would have a good day or bad day and end up fighting. i spent my childhood living on my nerves so no wonder I need to be in control of my life! But I realise that it spilled over into everything else and my H actually said once that I need to control everything and that was like a lightbulb!

Just take one day at a time LAJar. We are all her to listen and support you. (((LaJar))).


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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