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It is strange to say. And to feel. But it is where the healing happens.

This is the worst part, 25, and you're doing beautifully. Keep up the great work. smile

How go things on the job front side??


Me42, H40
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
It is strange to say. And to feel. But it is where the healing happens.

This is the worst part, 25, and you're doing beautifully. Keep up the great work. smile



thank you Maybell. Except for when I was in the hospital and thought I was dying or permanently brain damaged, this IS the weirdest part.

Wow, as I typed that^^, I realized I wanted to say '

"this is the worst part" but then I hesitated b/c I didn't want to jinx myself.
How neurotic is ^^that?

As if God or the universe is going to punish me for thinking that THIS is the worst part!

("uh, oh, did 25 just say this is the worst part? No way! We'll show her how wrong she was! THIS is the worst part - NOW!!")


Maybell, how did you get through this financial part? It's IMPOSSIBLE not to get emotional, even though I can do the math logically. But a lot is attached to each number. "Oh, that number means h got to do this without me and I was living in my sister's basement. Nice. No problem..." OR "this number means I cannot live in a house in this area, so I need to adjust again...OR move"...

I'm sure to h, raising 3 kids as a single mom (effectively) was a breeze that meant I was eating bon bons watching TV.

Hey, what is a bon bon?? I do want to eat some and send h a photo and say "THIS is me eating a bon bon!" Of course, LATER I might do this...

Settlment wise - It's now more about getting what i need to feel financially safe than it is getting what is fair. I don't think getting what i believe is fair, can happen. Maybe if we were celebrities. cool

I could go on & on about my career sacrifices & h's pristine resume & work history.

But to be fully honest (& fair to h), i got time with my kids in a nice home, for years. I'm close to them (& i'm sad that h isn't). My kids and I have a lot of memories and laughs and we had great vacations (mostly without h). The kids grew up in a lovely area with great schools. They attended excellent private universities and D20 still is - (no thanks to h)

I hope the kids will ultimately be alright. I do think h is pretty screwed up - some serious distortion in his marital revisions, lots of ironic victimhood. So I worry that someday my kids will pull something like this or suffer in some way, as adults.

My kids are older now, and so I'm not merely projecting about h having a skewed perspective. It is a very distorted view of our family life, amnesia about his long long absences, which he seems to have literally, forgotten. I'm talking 8 of 11 years, off and on. (D20 did the math). H was involved in 90% of the family conflicts, and so now that I know I'll survive without h, and that this D is going to produce more peace in me and more happiness in my future, I find I see him now more realistically. This^^ is usually a good thing, I think.



How go things on the job front side??


Not great. I have never had the experience of not being pursued, professionally. And I'm not licensed here (not in this state or in a nearby state.) There is a hiring freeze as well, so government jobs for lawyers are not existent unless you are politically connected which I am no longer. I can change it up and do better.

Maybell, I have some leads but even those are time consuming and I need more professional clothes too.

Apparently 1999 clothes are NOT what is in. cry


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
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Hi 25. Stay strong. I pray that you get your fair share and that God perfects everything concerning you and your kids.
I like how you can still look back and still appreciate certain things in your marriage. Most people almost always rewrite everything to make it all negative.


M 11 Dated for 4 years before then
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BD Feb 2016
A 2015 Dec
I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately
I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
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25 -- On the financial side, it was about 8 months of nail biting and prayer. But at the bottom of it I felt confident that one way or another the kids and I would be OK. There was a lot at stake that I worried they'd have to give up, but I also knew if they did, that I would figure it out. I got a GREAT lawyer that I put my trust in and just held on for the roller coaster.

Of course, Mr. Fantastic didn't pull the shenanigans that Dr. Alaska did, so I didn't have to experience the humility of borrowing large amounts of money. He never ran off with money or declined to pay support, but I know what I would have done if he had -- and apparently he did too, becauase although he did (and occasionally still does) express rage at the amount of money he's having to pay, he pays it.

The job thing has been, by far, the hardest part. I'm in the process of figuring out how to move out of my second job since taking off 13 years to raise the kids. This time around, I've hired a career consultant to help me identify the things that I'm good at AND would enjoy over a long period of time.

Why just look for government or lawyer jobs? You have a wide breadth of skills from the time you were home with the kids. Would it be interesting to you to pursue a job with a non-profit, for example, that would use more of your skills than the lawyering experience? At least give yourself something to do that permits you to fixate on something other than GDS.

If we ever met IRL, I would be happy to connect you with people in my circle (you don't live that far from me.) I think you'd find work fairly quickly. The first job would not be the ideal one, but it would give you the opportunity to build your connections again.

Think outside the box, 25. Use some of the creativity that makes you funny and apply it to job problem solving. You've got this.


Me42, H40
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I have to agree - why limit to just Government jobs? If we've now reached the point where the government hires more attorneys than the private sector, this country is in more trouble than I thought! I know there are more attorneys in the ISA than jobs but there are certainly other things you can do - especially outside of government employment.


DonH
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Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
25 -- On the financial side, it was about 8 months of nail biting and prayer. But at the bottom of it I felt confident that one way or another the kids and I would be OK.-

Of course, Mr. Fantastic didn't pull the shenanigans that Dr. Alaska did, so I didn't have to experience the humility of borrowing large amounts of money. He never ran off with money or declined to pay support,

but I know what I would have done if he had -- and apparently he did too, becauase although he did (and occasionally still does) express rage at the amount of money he's having to pay, he pays it.

Not to belabor this^. As It resonates with me. It is easier said than done.

I used to tell women to "go back to court!" every time their h's did not pay full CS or alimony. I said "it'll save you money in the long run".

Which was true EXCEPT the process wore them down and now, I get it. I'm still in the ring and I won't quit.

But I retract all the times I internally smirked at "weak women" who did not go to battle every time their h's pulled crap. I used to tell them that "in the end" they'd be fine.

I'm not sure what I meant then, maybe "not dead or on the streets".

Maybell, prior to the past year, fear had not been a big part of my life. Sometimes righteous anger or sadness, but not really fear. I had faith and self confidence.

But this past year has shaken me to my core. The sense of betrayal is gut wrenching and has flared up more recently- (maybe b/c the divorce is not final??)

even after I felt I had processed it. Even after I felt detached from it and cognitively believed I had "dodged a bullet" by filing for divorce.

The health care fears were nearly overwhelming. The utter loss of control with full seizures, frankly, embarrassed me. The post seizure memory loss & confusion were incredible blows to my ego.

Articulate intelligence is probably what I most identify with internally. (That, and my hilarious wit).

Nothing like being unable to speak intelligibly, or to recall what was just said, to humble one. Fortunately I feel like myself now. The upcoming hearing or settlement conference has, periodically, freaked me out. So there's a sort of "backslide" feeling.


The job thing has been, by far, the hardest part. I'm in the process of figuring out how to move out of my second job since taking off 13 years to raise the kids.

Amen. Even though I'm sure I'm not the only woman in her 50's re-entering the job force, I'm not encouraged so far. Obviously I'll keep at it.


This time around, I've hired a career consultant to help me identify the things that I'm good at AND would enjoy over a long period of time.


I literally don't have the money to do this^^^ YET. I love this idea. (I'm not exaggerating the cash flow problem. And I assume this was partly h's intent when he refused to pay. He will save HIS money and show me!


Why just look for government or lawyer jobs? You have a wide breadth of skills from the time you were home with the kids. Would it be interesting to you to pursue a job with a non-profit, for example, that would use more of your skills than the lawyering experience? At least give yourself something to do that permits you to fixate on something other than GDS.

Hey thank you.

I am Not sure what "GDS" means (G- Damn - $h1t???)

But I assume it's government something.

I am totally open to non government jobs (I would prefer them. Although gov benefits are something I may need to consider more, I can think of many non profits that interest me.

I love the arts & performing arts, for instance. Veteran's issues, too. (I'm a veteran, btw)

The 2 main reasons the government jobs get the focus is

because 1) there are a lot of them here as an industry, except oops, there's a freeze; and

because 2) H's lawyer focusses on them.

Oh, btw, not sure if you know this Maybell, but per h's request, the court ordered me to CA to get a vocational evaluation. Flew out to CA for a 7 hour deposition (that was super fun. cry )

Apparently the evaluator (HIS witness) felt that the work gap in my resume actually matters in the job market. And not in a good way.

So h is not using the report she wrote.

Aside from gov jobs she suggested for which I sometimes don't qualify, (i.e. bar membership in their state - a state in which I'm not licensed) -


she did have some good suggestions about non profits. She also said "80% of jobs that are filled were not advertised."

Yikes.

Oh, and H's lawyer said "25 should just move to the state in which she's licensed and hang out a shingle".

We were assigned there 20 years ago. I remain in contact with 2 wonderful women there, who are NOT lawyers. Just saying.

Oh, & h's job expert witness addressed the idea of me "just hanging out a shingle" there, and said "that does not seem promising for 25."

Ironically, if I do get a raw deal in court, I'll probably need to move there as it's so much cheaper there to buy a home. All those years ago, our family was intact and I have many good memories of it.

Sure, I'd be starting over socially, mostly. But it's not the first time, and I have good people skills.

Maybell, let's make margaritas, in honor of said (but unsaid) state.




If we ever met IRL, I would be happy to connect you with people in my circle (you don't live that far from me.) I think you'd find work fairly quickly. The first job would not be the ideal one, but it would give you the opportunity to build your connections again.

GOOD! We must find each other!


Think outside the box, 25. Use some of the creativity that makes you funny and apply it to job problem solving. You've got this.


cool thanks a lot And I am thinking outside the box and crave the purpose one gets in a job - even a "not great" job b/c there is structure.

I sent in a resume to an architectural company b/c I love the homes they design and build and said "contracts, right??". No interview but they responded well, so yeah, I am thinking in new ways.

I would love a job with meaning, but I'm fine with at least a job that leads me to the job with meaning.

Thank you again.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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ps

pretty sure some of my job hunt is affected by the sense of a sword hanging over my head.

Depending on what type of settlement we reach, if any, affects my job needs. A lot.

And I think the ego blow is playing a role. I need to work on that, obviously.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Wouldn't have gone back to court. I would have gotten his wages garnished and told his parents everything. Mr. Image Management would have hated that. (As it happens, I got a lawyer who was such a bully he scared me and we got the whole thing settled without having to deal with the court. That was intentional. I didn't want to spend limited resources that way.)

I have a friend whose husband is in jail and left her with seven children and she has no means of supporting them. His family have utterly abandoned her and her children. Her parents would help if they could but there's little they can do for her and they live 1000 miles away.

And yet she's just fine. Maybe not 100% awesome, but managing, and manages to still smile. A lot. She celebrates her children every day. She has her struggles, and they aren't small. But she's just fine.

If she can manage, you can too.

I didn't hire the career coach for my first job. I am hiring her for my third job. The first two I just figured out as best I could. It's only now that I'm feeling sturdier that it made sense to make that investment in myself.

My first job was as an admin assistant. Because of that sword hanging over my head I didn't think I was capable of handling anything else. (For a while, also, I wasn't.)

JUST. ANYTHING. Will do. Temp or anything.

One of my coping mechanisms during this time was to write notes to God in the moments when I just couldn't carry that load any more, asking for exactly what I felt I needed to carry on till the next day.

Go back to that facebook post I mentioned. A few other people found me... you can too...


Me42, H40
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[quote=Maybell]Wouldn't have gone back to court. I would have gotten his wages garnished and told his parents everything.

Ugh. Here I go...sorry for the long rant to come!

I did get his wages garnished. He did not like that. So He quit! And he showed me!

And in the 2 months when the garnishments happened h did not send the pension check! So I never got both the 1/2 pension and support but H complained to the world how high HIS "alimony" was. It might have been if he'd ever paid it in full.

Anyhow, yes now or soon, the feds and military have court orders and
Since the pension check %s will soon come directly to me (not b/c he is "Giving" them to me but b/c I earned them)

he will either work openly on the tundra and I'll have the wages garnished- or he'll continue to do what he is now, going underground and hiding income. Working off the books until trial or settlement.

- I'm fairly certain he is putting his labor toward his buy in of the partnership there. In fact I'm about 90% sure of that. Nothing else makes sense unless he's decided money does not matter to him anymore, which would be nothing short of a miraculous personality transplant.

As for telling his dad/step mom, I have given that a lot of thought. But I don't think that will work. I think h has done some serious character assassination on me, over the years. I am only learning some of this recently. It adds to the sense of betrayal.

Plus, he is their blood (but my kids are FIL's only grandkids, so you would think that mattered more...ouch) I want to ask my kids if FIL/wife have reached out to them, but I am afraid the answer is no, and that I will hurt them more by asking.

H loves loves loves impression management and he Craves his dad's approval while also resenting his dad for mistreating his late mother in their divorce, in which h's mom got nothing after 18 years of m.
(Why yes, irony abounds.)

SIDENOTE my late MIL told her L that she "just wanted out!". She seemed proud of that later, but then would complain that she got nothing.

A good L would have argued with his client more but I cannot say how adamant MIL was but it was a catastrophic error on her part, however.

She worked 2 jobs until she retired and smoked a ton under all that stress. Also always had money problems. Retired and got lung cancer and died.
Though everyone in our family knows how deeply h resents his dad for the divorce, h has never told his father this.

Too "Conflict avoidant"

(when can we say "dishonest/cowardly" instead of this ^^ euphemism?)

Also I expect that h wants the inheritance.

I'm no longer sure where I stand with my FIL, which hurts. And his wife - I thought - loved me.

So if h did not have the money for d20's tuition, why didn't he just ask his dad? Pride or

b/c he really wanted to punish d20/me/us.
Of all the kids, d20 has spoken up the most with effective reality checks on h.

Which means they may not even know. How could he tell them he cut her off? But yeah, I assume character assassination, no disclosure of cutting d20 off, and either pretending we are "working it all out and everyone's happier this way"

or that I "turned the kids against" him.

OMG I FORGOT SOMETHING!!

On h's recent income/expenses list, where he says he's so poor, too old, etc blah blah blah

he also listed d20's tuition as an expense of HIS. And somehow his expense are $16k a month.

That ^^^ is stunningly ballsy behavior. Or delusional, or just big time deceitful.

I mean, wow. My L warned me not to burst into flames reading them.




M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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, I got a lawyer who was such a bully he scared me and we got the whole thing settled without having to deal with the court. That was intentional. I didn't want to spend limited resources that way.)

I am with you here^^, even though I feel fairly confident (85%??) that I'd win pretty big at a trial. But if numbers are, for example, spending $100k to get $125K a year later, maybe no thanks.

I have a friend whose husband is in jail and left her with seven children and she has no means of supporting them. His family have utterly abandoned her and her children.
Her parents would help if they could but there's little they can do for her and they live 1000 miles away.

you have to wonder (b/c we have a moral compass) if the h's family is so overwhelmed by what she may need, that they don't even offer a pittance by comparison. I mean, what if the decent member of that family -pretend there is one!- could send her $50 a month.

Would your friend scoff or accept it graciously? I'm serious. I have had moments in which I wondered if my multimillionaire FIL and his w could just give h the money HE owes me. It would save ME a hassle and their granddaughter d20, would not have been nearly as stressed this past summer as she was (suicidally actually). So if FIL had sent me $25, I might have lit the check on fire...rather than muttering a feeble "thanks so much".

But that is in the past now. Deep breaths, 25, deep breaths.


-

If she can manage, you can too.



Yes, I can. I am, I will.

The weird panic attacks might be medication related? I saw that pounding heart beats are side effects.

But then, HOW WOULD I KNOW if it's stress?


My first job was as an admin assistant. Because of that sword hanging over my head I didn't think I was capable of handling anything else. (For a while, also, I wasn't.)

Def makes sense. The distractibility & poor concentration was scary & amazing. It's much better now in part b/c I WANT the distractions.

Oh, Odd insight - If I were not in an area where I have family & friends, I think my concerns from my pride would be zero, and I'd take anything.

What am I worried about? That My high school nemesis will brag that she was right to sleep with my 18 y/o boyfriend!?? cool


Hmm, I have to ponder this b/c it's a weird unhelpful hinderance.



JUST. ANYTHING. Will do. Temp or anything.

Temping has a lot of appeal. I will call tomorrow.



Go back to that facebook post I mentioned. A few other people found me... you can too... [/quote]


My faith is opened and I (usually) feel great strength and love from it. I have had some "dark night of the soul", as have we all. And I wake in a stronger better way.

My Gal for tonight is a dinner out with childhood friends. My dog is also invited. cool

I'll check the fb out tomorrow if I cannot sooner.

And

Maybell, thank you.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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