Yeah this is one area where I vehemently disagree with MWD -- I see no value in telling the kids that you don't agree with the D.
If you put the kids first, they didn't create this situation, they certainly don't want to deal with it, and the last thing they should be asked to do is choose sides. If you say that one parent wants a D and the other does not, you're explicitly placing blame on one parent and making the D their fault in the eyes of the kids.
Since we all agree that no one is a perfect marriage partner then we also know that although one spouse has decided to walk away, that doesn't mean that the failure of the marriage is their fault -- its not, that fault is shared. Therefore, casting one parent as the "bad parent" because they wanted a divorce is dishonest, and the kids are not going to be mature enough to process the complexity of a breakdown in a marital relationship.
The main argument I see in favor of telling the kids that the LBS did not want the divorce is honesty -- that you should be honest with your kids. I think this argument is flawed because if your parenting was driven by honesty over child welfare, then you would immediately tell them that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy etc, because to perpetuate those beliefs is to lie. We entertain these fairy tales for our children because we believe they benefit from them.
Similarly, I believe children benefit from being told that the marriage breakdown was mutual, and is not one person's fault, there is no "bad guy" here, only a failed relationship.
In my case, I was the LBS, I was cheated on repeatedly, for at least the last three years of my marriage I was a husband that only a fool would leave, and before that I truly believe I was a good husband. I was uneducated in the "Five Love Languages" and other marriage dynamics, but it was lack of knowledge or naivety versus outright neglect.
In any case, if anyone would have a right to lay blame for the divorce on my ex it would be me, as I went to extraordinary lengths to save the marriage as most of you have.
I met with a child and family therapist prior to telling the kids and her advice made perfect sense to me: tell the kids its a mutual breakdown, tell them that you both love them very much, tell them this is not their fault, and more importantly, that there is nothing they can do about it.
Then, focus on being productive co-parents. I have divorced friends and many divorced acquaintances. The greatest unhappiness I have witnessed through divorce is where one of the parents gets alienated through the process, or the relationship between the kids and one parent breaks down. That seems to be the absolute worst outcome.
If you agree with that, then for the benefit of the kids I think you want to avoid any blaming, shaming, pointing fingers, or anything of the sort. We used to be together, now we're not.
It's actually not a bad lesson for kids that bad things will happen in life that you can't control, but you can still have a wonderful life despite the challenges that you've faced. I'd rather teach grace than anger.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
In my case, I was the LBS, I was cheated on repeatedly, for at least the last three years of my marriage I was a husband that only a fool would leave, and before that I truly believe I was a good husband. I was uneducated in the "Five Love Languages" and other marriage dynamics, but it was lack of knowledge or naivety versus outright neglect.
^^^^^^^^.........this is the best paragraph that I have ever seen that I could relate to 100%. Thanks ACC!
Thanks everyone for their input and suggestions. I can understand the benefits of not pointing the finger at my W for breaking up our family, however, I can't but feel that she's getting off too easy. I'm venting now, but I feel that she continues to go on with her life as though the D is just another project to be managed. No emotions- period. Whereas, I struggle everyday to keep my spirits up, especially around my S, so as not to reveal the pain that consumes me.
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
Something I hear the vets say often is the WAS has their own emotional turmoil, which they hide away from everyone and only let out in private.
My STBXW did the same thing with hiding her emotions. If they ever do come out at some point, the best thing to do is validate and not read any more into it.
So what if she gets off too easy? I understand you're angry, but the world will find its own way to judge her, regardless of you. Not to be insensitive, it's just that I'm not sure shining a spotlight on her will do any good, especially since your S is 7.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I can understand the benefits of not pointing the finger at my W for breaking up our family, however, I can't but feel that she's getting off too easy.
Is she? In her eyes, she's been suffering silently for years and YOU were the one that was getting off too easily. She tried and tried to get your attention and you ignored her (I'm not saying you did, I'm saying this is her perception) and now that she finally got tired of your years of lack of attention and felt forced to act, you want to blame her for everything. This is one of the reasons WAW's resent their LBH's so much. The LBH thinks it's all her fault.
Look, there are good reasons so many states have gone to no-fault divorce. There are two sides to EVERY divorce story, and it's a hopeless cause trying to decide who is "right". I am in 100% agreement with Acc, blaming separation and divorce on one's spouse is not only harmful to all involved, but it prevents one from owning their own part in the demise of the M. No one ends up here on the DB forums because they were a perfect spouse!
The main argument I see in favor of telling the kids that the LBS did not want the divorce is honesty -- that you should be honest with your kids. I think this argument is flawed because if your parenting was driven by honesty over child welfare, then you would immediately tell them that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy etc, because to perpetuate those beliefs is to lie. We entertain these fairy tales for our children because we believe they benefit from them.
Why do we lie to our children about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy? Do children really benefit from fairy tales that require us to lie to them?
Children know that Superman, Frosty the Snowman and Cinderella aren't real and yet they can still derive enjoyment from them and possibly even learn something from the fictional tales.
By the way, I told my sons that my XW wanted the divorce (she was present when I told them) and I'd do it again without reservation. Is it the right thing to do? I think so, but I'm often wrong.
By the way, I told my sons that my XW wanted the divorce (she was present when I told them) and I'd do it again without reservation. Is it the right thing to do? I think so, but I'm often wrong.
No! That's the wrong thing to do and we're all damned for having associated ourselves with you! (Just kidding)
Everyone's situation is different, and only you know how to be the best parent for your kids.
Depending upon how old they are, I suppose it's okay for you to tell them the divorce was your exW's idea as long as you also told them that you are equally responsible for the breakdown of the marriage and own your part in how things got to this point.
It's all rearview mirror though for you and I, and we're both "just guys on the Internets" so what do I know?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I can understand the benefits of not pointing the finger at my W for breaking up our family, however, I can't but feel that she's getting off too easy.
Is she? In her eyes, she's been suffering silently for years and YOU were the one that was getting off too easily. She tried and tried to get your attention and you ignored her (I'm not saying you did, I'm saying this is her perception) and now that she finally got tired of your years of lack of attention and felt forced to act, you want to blame her for everything. This is one of the reasons WAW's resent their LBH's so much. The LBH thinks it's all her fault.
Look, there are good reasons so many states have gone to no-fault divorce. There are two sides to EVERY divorce story, and it's a hopeless cause trying to decide who is "right". I am in 100% agreement with Acc, blaming separation and divorce on one's spouse is not only harmful to all involved, but it prevents one from owning their own part in the demise of the M. No one ends up here on the DB forums because they were a perfect spouse!
No-one got anywhere being a "perfect spouse", because no such thing exists.And i doubt anyone actually wants to be a smiling robot that does everything 'right'.
However, not being perfect doesn't make you anywhere near equally responsible for a demise of a marriage.If one spouse is violently abusive for example, the fault is not 50/50 and the side of the abusive spouse is irrelevant.
Or if a spouse was never faithful to begin with, cheated in every relationship they ever had, and married you under false pretenses, again not 50/50.
