Gordie: one year after b d and still alive #10

[Gordie]

Just need to vent and journal. The legal stuff that stbxw failed to previously complete is now getting done so the train to D that was previously stalled is now in motion again and frankly, that just makes me so *** sad. Whatever hope that I had from her previous failure to complete the deed is gone.

So what have I been doing these past few weeks? I have been doing my best to treat her as my XW, a friendly co-parent.

I have stopped initiating any contact or communication with her. Every day, she now calls or texts me and initiates conversation in the evening. Sometimes I ignore her calls and texts and sometimes I'll reply with just a few friendly words. And in person, I act like a friendly neighbor. It's hello and how was your day? At first it would only be a few minutes but recently she has been lingering and wanting to talk more. This is a reversal of roles/distant-pursuit.

I have stopped doing things directly for her that I have always done. I still do chores for the house and family but not specifically for her. Recently, she texted me and said I really like when you do x; can you keep doing that? I asked my d b coach about this and she encouraged me to keep doing it because stbxw specifically asked. Is this small act just feeding stbxw cake or is it bulding connection? I'm deferring to the d b coach's wisdom.

I haven't initiated any dates with stbxw; I have gone out with friends instead.

I haven't moved out but I have spent more time looking at new places to live, reading up on living as a single dad, and talking to more of my divorced dad friends on how they manage their lives.

We haven't told the kids. After we tell the kids, I plan to take off the ring.

***

Can we still be friends after D? I know that's what stbxw wants. I appreciate all of your guys' thoughts and responses. I still don't know and the next time it comes up, I think that's what I'll say because it is the honest answer.

[SBJ]

Funny that she asked you to keep doing something for her that she liked. When mine told me that she was moving out then I stopped getting her coffee every morning. She didn't ask me to keep doing that...instead she used it in an argument saying that I don't even fix her coffee in the mornings anymore. It is truly all about them at this point. Everyone says that the number one reason for MLC is depression...the number two is selfishness.

I think the ring is a personal decision and one that most don't take lightly. I decided to take mine off when I signed the papers. I then put it around my neck along with my Saint medal. When and if I decide to remove it from there is up in the air. I don't know what is right or wrong, but for now I have decided to keep it close to my heart.

I think that you can be friendly, but it is up to the individual if you want to be in the friend zone. I for one cannot just be friends with her. It is all or nothing. I will be friendly, but that is where it stops. Now if reconciliation is attempted down the line then we will have to start off as friends, but that is with more being the goal. Just my thoughts.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - First keep in mind that I am coming from a different place than you on this so my opinions are coloured by my experiences.

The whole "being friendly" is part of the narrative that many of our spouses tell themselves. They like to believe that the despite the destruction of their families that everything will continue as it was with the exception that they will be "free" to do whatever they want. You've been somewhat private about your own struggles but in my case at least I have a lot of hurt and anger that even now I still have trouble processing. I can see no world in which she and I could ever be "friends". At best I could probably manage to be civil - like I think I said a while ago - like running into someone who ran over my cat.

You need to make your own choices about this. What you chose to say to her now and how you act will set the tone for the rest of your life though. A friend of mine was telling me about being obliged to sit with her ex-husband and the woman he left her for during a dinner for her daughter. She managed it, but the hurt was palpable.

"Being Friends" will make it easier with the kids. It reduces the need for them to "take sides" but it may be a bitter pill to swallow. Fortunately for me my kids are grown and know well how much pain I have endured. They protect me by being silent on interactions they have with their mother by putting a "fire-wall" between us.

Hope that gives you a perspective on the issue you were asking about. Your own path will be your's alone to walk.

[Lifes Twists]

Gordie,

This is a difficult time for all of us who have gone through it.
I would give it sometime after the D is final to see how things shake out. I stopped most communication after the D was finalized except those things like Taxes that we had to deal with. She was the one who reached out to me to ask if I was happy. Seemed that did not work out to give the happiness she thought she would find.

Over time we have gradually moved closer. this was first driven by the need to help our three daughters get launched into life. Its not perfect. Communication improves and the retracts. just another aspect of their illness.

Regarding the divorce, why do you assume that you will be the one moving out? Is your lawyer fighting for your best interests? Has he suggested that you seek to have your children live with you and that she get visitation? Has he considered seeking spousal support for you? I believe its a good thing that you are prepared, but make sure it is after a good fight for you. Remember she has fired you. This will now be just the business of dissolving the marriage. It should be treated like a nasty contract fight with your lawyer will to be the bad guy for you.

[Gordie]

Funny that she asked you to keep doing something for her that she liked. When mine told me that she was moving out then I stopped getting her coffee every morning. She didn't ask me to keep doing that...instead she used it in an argument saying that I don't even fix her coffee in the mornings anymore. It is truly all about them at this point. Everyone says that the number one reason for MLC is depression...the number two is selfishness.

I think the ring is a personal decision and one that most don't take lightly. I decided to take mine off when I signed the papers. I then put it around my neck along with my Saint medal. When and if I decide to remove it from there is up in the air. I don't know what is right or wrong, but for now I have decided to keep it close to my heart.

I think that you can be friendly, but it is up to the individual if you want to be in the friend zone. I for one cannot just be friends with her. It is all or nothing. I will be friendly, but that is where it stops. Now if reconciliation is attempted down the line then we will have to start off as friends, but that is with more being the goal. Just my thoughts.

I like what you did with your ring. I don't know what I will do with mine.

Still sorting through whether or not I can be a friend after all this. I just don't know.

Stbxw says she was depressed in m but now she is happy. Stbxw was one of the most selfless people I know. She said it cost her. And now it's time to be selfish. She needs to put herself first. She sees it as self preservation. The rest of us are just collateral damage.

[Gordie]

Gordie - First keep in mind that I am coming from a different place than you on this so my opinions are coloured by my experiences.

The whole "being friendly" is part of the narrative that many of our spouses tell themselves. They like to believe that the despite the destruction of their families that everything will continue as it was with the exception that they will be "free" to do whatever they want. You've been somewhat private about your own struggles but in my case at least I have a lot of hurt and anger that even now I still have trouble processing. I can see no world in which she and I could ever be "friends". At best I could probably manage to be civil - like I think I said a while ago - like running into someone who ran over my cat.

You need to make your own choices about this. What you chose to say to her now and how you act will set the tone for the rest of your life though. A friend of mine was telling me about being obliged to sit with her ex-husband and the woman he left her for during a dinner for her daughter. She managed it, but the hurt was palpable.

"Being Friends" will make it easier with the kids. It reduces the need for them to "take sides" but it may be a bitter pill to swallow. Fortunately for me my kids are grown and know well how much pain I have endured. They protect me by being silent on interactions they have with their mother by putting a "fire-wall" between us.

Hope that gives you a perspective on the issue you were asking about. Your own path will be your's alone to walk.

Andrew,

Thank you. Yes, I have been more private about my pain and anger here. But it's there. I'm no robot. Processing that pain and anger is not my strong suit but I have had some friends step up and help me in ways I never imagined. I am an expert stuffer but this was too much for even me. I was about to break down.

Despite this pain and anger; I still have so much unrequited love and affection for stbxw. A part of me wants to remain distant and a part of me wants to remain friends. It changes day to day and I'm still processing those feelings. It won't be what I want (reonciliation) nor will it be what she wants (Christmas with OM) but trying to figure out where I can be between those extremes.

[Gordie]

Gordie,

This is a difficult time for all of us who have gone through it.
I would give it sometime after the D is final to see how things shake out. I stopped most communication after the D was finalized except those things like Taxes that we had to deal with. She was the one who reached out to me to ask if I was happy. Seemed that did not work out to give the happiness she thought she would find.

Over time we have gradually moved closer. this was first driven by the need to help our three daughters get launched into life. Its not perfect. Communication improves and the retracts. just another aspect of their illness.

Regarding the divorce, why do you assume that you will be the one moving out? Is your lawyer fighting for your best interests? Has he suggested that you seek to have your children live with you and that she get visitation? Has he considered seeking spousal support for you? I believe its a good thing that you are prepared, but make sure it is after a good fight for you. Remember she has fired you. This will now be just the business of dissolving the marriage. It should be treated like a nasty contract fight with your lawyer will to be the bad guy for you.

Life twists,

Thanks for sharing and, like your experience, I feel my own feelings and circumstances will change over time. We have a lot of kids so will be intertwined for the rest of our lives.

We can't afford this house after we split so that's why I assume I will need to move. I hired the best L in town knowing that I needed professional, objective advice. Spousal support for me? No, I am the sole breadwinner and will be paying alimony until her remarriage or death.

[Gordie]

D b coach notes:

I feel stuck in hopelessness, anger and sadness. Why?

1 The legal movement and settlement negotiations make this D a lot more real than it's been for the last several month.

2 Fear that life will be miserable. A lack of confidence that I have the strength to do this.

The solution?

1 Choose to be happy every day. Don't give stbxw power over my happiness. Acknowledge the pain and choose to move forward.

2 GAL. Do more stuff that you want to do. Take an overnight for yourself.

3 Self care. Acknowledge that this is the worst thing I have ever experienced and do the things I need to keep my sanity, my balance.

Actions with w since I have been more distant:

1 Stbxw has tried to get me to talk to her.

2 She sent me two unsolicited texts.

3 She gives me non romantic kisses goodnight.

[Gordie]

Settlement proposal delivered to my L yesterday.

STBXW went out all night last night again.

Today, I will choose to be happy. I need to take control of my life, my happiness. I can't ride the crazy train any longer.

I read through the LBS stages thread again. I think I'm going through another cycle. I think I am an expert in denial. I am very uncomfortable with anger.

I think stbxw's MLC transformation is nearly complete and she couldn't be happier. She got her new body, her new religion, her new job, and now she is finally getting her D.

I met a guy and he mentioned he was divorced. He said (censored) happens with a smile and a laugh. It was inspiring. No anger or sadness or blame or explanation or guilt.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Gordie}}}}}}}
I'm so sorry.

I would definitely look into making sure you are financially secure post D, FIRST AND FOREMOST!
You cannot take care of your kids if you are running on fumes, financially, emotionally, spiritually. Believe me when I tell you this.

So will you guys sell the house? Make sure there is something that's fair to you in that D agreement you don't want, my friend. Take care of Team Gordie!!!!

She's on a pink cloud. Feel your feelings, walk through the fire. We're here for you, don't stuff it. Focus on your GAL. Keep being a gentleman. My mantra was and is that when my son is an adult I want him to look back on how I handled this and say that I took the high road, that I did the best for him and was civilized and graceful under pressure. I'm not always meeting my own strict expectations on that front but I make the attempt.

Think about how you want your kids to view you post D and act accordingly. How old are your children?

I think you ought to follow the advice of your DB coach, are you also in IC? Maybe there is a local grief/divorce group you could join?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I really hoped she'd ... do something different. I was going to say, "Snap out of it" but I think MLCr's have to go all the way through the tunnel, crash and burn before they can re-group - if ever they manage to do so.

Maybe the pink cloud is because they are finally taking an action after the paralysis of depression, even though that action is absolute destruction of all they held near and dear.

It's tempting to say that cloud will pass. It may, it may not, but the brutal truth is her moods, feelings, pink cloud or depths of depression are not your concern any longer. You need all your energy for yourself and your kids and also for the others in your family and circle of friends who will be affected by this. Your wife sounds like someone who believes nothing will change, really. Boy will she get the shock of her life that her post D world will not match her vision of it! Again, that is not your problem - your job now is financial security for yourself and kids, and since she wants the D so much, maybe you can negotiate a better financial situation for yourself if it's uncontested. Don't know just throwing it out there. Glad you hired the best lawyer in town.

I'm going to say something to you that my brother from another mother said to me about the time that it became absolutely clear exh wasn't going to change his mind: I know this isn't something you wanted, but there may come a day in the future when you will say that your STBXW has done you a favor.

I thought he was nuts when he said that to me. Guess what, Sunday I reminded him of that conversation and said, "You were right, just wanted you to know."

That may happen for you too. Wishing you peace my friend. You are a good man and do not deserve this. xoxoxo