Nice to hear from you, my friend. I was hoping you would pop on by, actually.
I have always waited for the and other shoe to drop and it always has. ANd yes yes yes on becoming overwhelmed with the feelings like something is missing and this isn't the way my life should be. We are so much alike. You shared some of your struggles and I know you, like me, do the work and it's frustrating not to get the results. I am trying so hard to not sit in this right now but I am seriously struggling. When the hope leaves, I don't do well.
The ghost feeling. I don't feel like I am "me" right now. I feel like my tank keeps getting sucked dry and is not being replenished. I am running on emotionally empty.
The good news is I am taking advantage of what I can to feel just a little better. I am searching for ways to feel that shift. It hasn't helped that someone very important in my life hasn't been around. To have that one go-to person not be there is difficult. But on the plus side, I am spending more time with my cousin. We are going for a weekend in Chinatown and doing a food tour and staying overnight with another couple we are friends with and her H's brother. My friend is coming from FL this week and we are going to the city on Saturday and out to dinner on Thursday. School is almost done. My brace is almost off.D10 is happy and doing wonderful. Her happiness is my happiness. Today we went to Sugar Factory in the city for my dad and his wifes gift to her. She brought her bestie. They had such a fabulous time. We all did.
The thing is, I feel like a loser and failure at the same time that I feel accomplished and a survivor. I can't keep a man, let alone get one right now. I have been able to love, but only two have ever said they loved me back (my ex and exNG) but neither of them showed it and I never felt it. And the one person who showed it and I actually felt (but didn't say it) broke up with me, moved on immediately, and said he loved our relationship and who I was to him, but not ME.
I realize I have been single for as long as I was not. 9 years with ex and 9 years without. And in those 8 years, I don't even think I have a combined year of dating.
But what have I accomplished? Raising a fabulous child alone, putting a roof over our head and food on our table plus some, advancing my college degree, surviving an affair and having it in my face all the time. I am determined to get healthy again. I do have very strong friendships, ones that I wouldn't have had if my life didn't take this path..... and this is the stuff only post divorce. I do take great pride in accomplishments and that I didn't lay down and die when I felt like that might be the only way to get rid of the pain, but I am ashamed of not being able to keep a partner. It is so hard for me to admit. I feel like I am defective and unlovable.
Funny story (I always have to conclude my posts with one). I've been watching "Jane the Virgin" which is so outlandish and the basis is on a Spanish soap opera. But I can relate to the main characters mother. Anyways, D10 was watching an episode with me today and when ever it looked like someone was going to cheat on their significant other, she was getting upset and saying how that is "so wrong!!!!". Thank God my daughter has a moral compass.
You did not hijack! you sympathized. And I am sorry you are in the position to sympathize with me. I understand exactly what you mean. NO matter how many years out we are from all of this, we continue to do work, the people who left us are still the same and they get what they want. We don't even want them to fail or be unhappy. It's about US now and how we deserve what we work hard for. I read your recent posts and I can feel your eagerness with college guy. Your eagerness comes from true love, not desperation. I do believe that what is meant for us will not miss us.
Ginger,
Thanks for your comments. I do have an eagerness when it comes to college guy and I'm REALLY working hard to rein that in, because I'm not sure he shares that same eagerness. I had thought, initially, that he did, but I'm beginning to think maybe I misread the whole thing. I know he cares for me very much, but time will tell. I agree that what is meant to be will find a way and maybe there is still hope. That remains to be seen. I'm not giving up hope, just trying to pull back and be realistic.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Glad you are getting out soon. We still have to meet up when your feeling better!
I think its easy to know this intellectually, but not truly feel it...But Im gonna say it anyway. Not being in a relationship with someone does not mean you are not worthy of love. Just like being in a relationship with someone does not mean you are worthy of love and partnership. (Women fall in love and marry serial killers while they are in jail!!! They are certainly not worthy of it, but for some reason some crazy person decides to fall for them) A lot of being in a relationship is a matter of timing, practicality, and attraction between both people. Timing, practical matters, and attraction are not factors that make someone worthy or not worthy.
Juju, I know. I am just a rare case and I guess that makes me feel like a failure. Like something must be wrong with me. The worst thing about this is I like me! I think I really am a great catch, from Dbing and the such, I think I have become a very good partner. I think I am lovable. I guess I just have an awful case of timing and circumstance. I see all these single moms who remarry or find love and their partners love their kids..... and I can't find that. Let alone just love me. It's all so messed up.
FF messed me up. That whole situation really messed me up. It still hurts to the very core of me.
Today has just been a hard day. It's my first Monday. I am back to reality! I really really miss my dad and stepmom taking care of me while I lay on the couch! It's sad I need to have surgery to get some help around here! After work, I fed the kid, we went to PT, it was an hour and half long, and I tried to ride the bike and it wasn't what I expected. She said it was normal to not be able to do it, she just wanted me to get the motion. I made full rotation a few times but it hurt and she didn't want me hurting too much. I for some reason thought I would hop on the bike and would be able to do it. She said by the end of the week I will be doing it. She's great. I did some mini squats and those felt good. I got home, went down my very steep and dark driveway to take out the garbage, came back made myself dinner, put kid to bed and now I am relaxing. Then I ealized my Chinatown trip is on ex's weekend and he can't switch because he has tickets to something. I have no one to watch D10. So it's a no go for me. It made me sad because I was really looking forward to it. Then D10 decides to facetime OWW's sister. She is bringing her all over my house, she sees everything, she sees me and I just don't like it. I had to have a discussion with her when she got off the phone. I said she either makes a normal call or takes it to her room because I don't want people all up in my business. It's like the attack of OWW's family lately and I would like some personal space in my home from it.
I'm just tired and alone and I wish I had a mom or a parent or someone close for some help sometimes. But I don't.
I try to be mindful in my good moments. I suck it in for all it is worth. They are just few and far in between lately.
I was interested in joining this somnlier (sp?) group that meets on Monday nights at a nice resturaunt by me. I figured I love wine so much, I should become educated about it. But nope, no one to watch the kiddo. It's a catch 22 sometimes.
I am venting big time as you can see. But I need to exit this victim mentality mode and just accept life as it is. I'm tired of trying to change it. I am just going to be happy with what it is.
It is difficult sometimes to feel so alone. Believe me, I KNOW! Surely you could find someone to watch D10 so that you could go on your trip. Getting away would probably do you good.
I don't even know if it helps to say this, but you are definitely not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I dare say many of us have gone through similar emotions during our time of divorce and recovery. Sometimes life is just hard and being an adult $uck$!
Take it one day at a time, G, and it will get better. Until then, hang in there and try to focus on the good. You know that old saying "fake it til you make it!"
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It certainly does help, and thank you. I hate that you are able to sympathize with such feelings, but knowing I am not alone really does help.
The new wrench thrown into my life is a big change at work. I may have mentioned a coworker who rubs me the wrong way and has sneakily been poaching my tasks. I kept quiet about it to my other coworkers because I don't want to start trouble.
Well, my manager whom I love dearly just got promoted to director. Great news for her, but now her manager spot is open. We were encouraged to apply. I'm not, but I know this woman is.
It finally came out that none of us can stand her brown nosing sneaky ways. Nobody can stand her. It is not only me. We all agree, if she becomes manager, we are all transferring. So for that reason alone, hopefully she doesn't become manager. We are a tight productive team and I think our current manager who will be the director knows if we aren't happy, our department will fall apart.
What is a joke about all of this is, while she works like a robot spitting out unreal numbers, (while I am on here, hahaha!) I am the one she comes to with all questions . My knowledge is greater than hers.
I don't know if our manager sees it yet. But I was upset in our meeting the other day when we needed to figure out something I offered to go through a list and figure it out. At the end of the meeting, she asks this brown noser to do it. WTF? it was my idea to even find the problem there!
So, I am not going to totally panic yet, but this is the smooth part of my life for now. I'd like the boat to not rock too much.
Saw my IC yesterday. She said she could tell I am emotionally running on empty. She asked me what I had in "my bag of tricks" to help me through the tough spots. I said "I am out of tricks and I can't preform my normal ones" She said she sees that and I may just have to let it wash over me until everything settles down a bit. She knows my boundaries are being crossed by OWW family and it drains me.
She went on about how proud of me graduating she is. She has been with me since I started school and said I have really been through some crap and she is seriously amazed how I am graduating and with a 3.98 average (I am still upset about that one A-). I look to my IC an a mother figure, quite honestly. So it meant a lot to hear it from her.
I have a full docket since yesterday. I was out of the house from 7am to 11pm. I was supposed to have the night to myself but I am going out to dinner with an old friend who is moving out of state. I am really honestly too exhausted and I want to back out. 2 other people are going, but I feel like a crappy person for doing so.
The rest of the weekend every waking moment is a task and activity. Tomorrow night will be really fun though, I am looking forward to it.
I am so tired. From 0-60 in no time. I long to go back to laying on the couch being taken care of, haha!
Your current manager is very much aware that you are an intelligent and capable lady who could have gone through the list and found the problem. Your manager gave her the task to see if she can do it properly. Your manager is going to be testing all of you because of the job opening that will be coming along.
I will offer up this little bit of advice, when the brown noser comes to you for help and/or info, just give her enough info so that she actually has to go searching on her own. I use to do this and then I would follow up my conversation w/that person with an email with a cc to my manager so that they knew that I had given this person some help. But that is up to you as to how you want to handle little Miss Brown Nose.
It's the weekend. Try to relax just a bit and give your leg a much needed rest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now unless the time requirements would greatly increase, I really think you should at least consider this job. You've said you are not challenged in your current role, you seem to have the aptitude, I think it would bring you an increase in self worth. There are real upsides here to at least giving it a shot. Are the downsides too great?
Also, image if you were able to get the dog you were looking at getting. No way would you have been able to gone from early morning until late night. Life is full of trade offs.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I didn't even think she might be testing her. It's definitely a possibility!
I don't remember if I shared this everyone mostly because it is embarrassing, but I got suspended for one day back in April, and someone else got terminated. She was a coworker whos life was falling apart every minute and her husband had been going through some health difficulties. She asked me to look up something in his chart (I got his permission). I did it twice for her and then never again. While It wasn't a HIPPA violation, it was a policy violation (which I really didn't know). Well, someone overheard her asking me and went to corporate compliance. Turns out she has been looking up all her family members for years. She got terminated, she showed zero remorse. I freaked the F out. I cried. My manger pretty much cried because she didn't want me to get fired.
In the end, I didn't get fired, they had to suspend me for one day and write me up. So, it turns out I am not a good fit for the job. This was a horrible lack of judgement for me which hurt my career. I just felt bad for the woman.
Well, that was super embarrassing. I am very embarrassed this ever happened. While I do think this would be a great opportunity, I don't think they would ever consider me. And my manager gave me some new tasks at the time because the other woman was gone and asked me to step up and I did. Then this woman started sneakily poaching my tasks.
Anyways, I did go out for a former coworkers going away dinner. it was really nice to hang out with some of the people I used to work on the unit with. Two of them are a couple and have been dating now for 5 years. The one works in my hospital system now. He said to me "you were always so good at clinical, do you want to go back?" I pretty much groomed the guy and was his go to in his first year. They were saying how the hospital and the people are nothing like it used to be and we reminisced about the good old days.
Today is a super busy fun day. I am only nervous about all the walking I am doing today. But it should be fun.
Still, so embarrassed reading my story, but I own up to it.
