Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2740639#Post2740639


Thought I would re-post my last response as this is a new thread smile


Job, SBJ and Coly.......thank you so much for your words.

Job....thank you for asking questions that made me think. As far as spending time together..... H does do things freely. He is usually very willing to do whatever will make things easier for me. He comes to my place no matter what time of the day it is. I have offered to go to his instead, but he says he prefers to come to mine. He has spent the night with me several times, and even though my place is not convenient for him and his schedule (working out, going to work), he doesn't mind getting up earlier then his usual.

He does tell me that he enjoys spending time with me...and I believe him. One morning I was getting ready for work, he had the day off, and I was in the bathroom getting dressed, and the dogs were of course right there in the middle things. He looked at me and said "I miss this"......I asked him if he meant being there together as a "family" and doing what families do and he said "yes"......I was surprised to hear him say that.

As far as the trust thing......I think he is scared to really show his feelings for me, and I think that is why he says he is still trying to learn how to trust me. Long before me, H was hurt in a relationship....his gf cheated on him. He was upset about it and got a tattoo in Chinese that meant trust. He said it was to remind him that trust is not something that he takes lightly. Sometimes I feel like it isn't me that he cant trust, but it is about him not being able to control things.

I also feel that he thinks that if he does show his emotions it will make him seem weak. Growing up in his parents (British) home he was taught that feelings and emotions were not to be expressed. He was taught keep that "British stiff upper lip"......you know that "keep calm and carry on" thing That does not work for me, and I honestly don't really know how much longer I can continue to be on the receiving end of him not being willing to show me how he feels.

I am definitely going to take your advice and "give him as much space as he can choke on"

Coly......I agree with you when you say that he is using this landmark therapy as some sort of crutch. He goes to these "meetings" every week and is able to share things in his life with people he has only known for a few months, but he won't share things with me. He shares at those meetings, but I am pretty sure that he doesn't really understand what it really means to share. It also has become a bit of a social outing for him too. The meetings are from 7pm to 10pm once a week. After every meeting a group of them go out to eat afterwards. He told me sometimes he is out until well after midnight. I can not imagine that they are sitting around talking about their feelings for all that time???

Another issue for me with Landmark, is that several of the people in the group are female, and when he gets to a place where he is confused about how to handle a situation with me, or wonders why he is acting a certain way, he reaches out to them instead of me. According to H, the meetings are not really interactive, just mostly listening. Now while that is better then nothing, I feel like he needs to have someone asking him questions about why he is behaving the way he is, or why he thinks it is okay to continue with this behavior. He should be going to see an IC, but he says he cant afford it.

And him running scared back into the hole......that is so childish in my mind, and I honestly don't know if that is something l am willing to put up with anymore. For me it shows he isn't willing to do the hard work and is more concerned about making himself feel better, or "ignore and it will go away" mentality.......that does not work for me.

SBJ.......Thank you for being in my corner. I hope you are doing as well as expected given what you have gone through recently.

I really enjoyed my time in Colorado. Went on a few hikes and the weather was perfect. Definitely gave me plenty of time to think. I managed to arrive home safely to 96 degree weather shocked Sure am missing that nice cool mountain air.

Still nothing from H smirk

I am heading out in the morning to go and look at some potential places to move into.....wish me luck wink

One day at a time.............

Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
Hey skm, I'm glad you posted another thread!

Your H does seem confused but I wonder if some of the conversations you are having should be kept for a time further down the line? I know I'm no expert and I'm certainly not at your stage, if ever, but reading posts on piecing the general advice is to enjoy getting go know each other again without bringing up the past or each other's faults. IDK maybe I'm wrong but is that something you could try?

I know it's a real cheek of him to say he needs to leaen to trust YOU again but again maybe just let that slide and in your mind keep thinking that if is him who needs to show you that you can trust HIM!

I know all about that British stiff upper lip but I think us Brits are getting better at it, I promise! Especially the younger generation, they have a habit of over sharing!

I look forward to reading your posts skm because there is so much hope that I am clinging to for my own sitch!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
Hey Coly......

To be honest, I have no idea where I am in this process, and it probably really doesn't matter. I do not feel that we are piecing because I don't think that H crawling back into his hole and not speaking to me for 8 days, is part of THAT process.

I agree that we should be getting to know each other again.....and we really were doing well with that. But, as we all know life sometimes has other plans. For us not to have any disagreements is unrealistic. So if H can not handle those sort of things, I guess it is better for me to know that now. I know I can be hard to deal with, and of course I want things to go my way wink......but I also want us to be honest with how we are feeling, and I want to be able to tell H and him not run back inside his shell like a turtle.

Coly, I waited for so long for us to have any kind of communication, and to be honest I never thought that we would ever speak again, let alone have H tell me that he wanted to work on things. It is hard not to have expectations when he says things like that frown

But I am not okay with him running back into that f'ing hole and making the choice to not speak to me......so childish!!! He can continue to sit in his house, or do whatever he is doing, because I know one thing, I deserve to be treated so much better then that. I deserve respect and by him acting this way I find it very DISrespectful.

I so want you to get to a place where you and your H will start to have conversations. Ours started out few and far between. Only when I decided to sell the house is when things changed between the two of use. Honestly once H and I did start speaking again it was difficult for me. Honestly he was getting on my nerves because I had gotten so used to him NOT being around and then all of a sudden there he was. Took some getting used to that's for sure wink

It is so hard to have patience......trust me I get that. Please be patient with him, and mostly yourself. I finally am learning that focusing on ourselves makes us remember how great we are......and like everyone says only a fool would not want to be around us.

In regards to "The Brits"...... I'll take your word when you say you are trying smile As an American, and a Southern person, I definitely find it hard at times to have conversations with H. My MIL was one of the hardest people to communicate with (when he did) which was rare.

I hope you have a wonderful day Coly smile

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
It has definitely been a while since I have posted on here (I believe since Sept of 2017). I have been keeping up with everyone sitch every now and then, but not as much as before. I needed to step away for awhile as things between H and I were changing.

To catch everyone up....I made it home safe from my trip to Colorado back in September and did not hear from H for a while after. I reached out because I needed to have to dogs stay with him for a bit because where I was living at the time really was not happy about them being with me as much as they were.

We spoke for awhile and he was very nice...which caught me off guard...and he even apologized for not staying in touch during my trip. He acknowledged he was not making the effort he should have and said he would do better. WELL.....he did do better and was really following through on things he said he would. Would call more often, and was making more of an effort to spend time with me. We had been spending quite a bit of time together and he started telling me that he missed me and that he wanted us to work on things. I was pretty hesitant because I had heard this before. BUT, I thought if I don't give things a try would I regret it?

I had been spending the night at his house randomly and I noticed that he was putting together some furniture. I asked him what that was for and he brushed it. Well come to find out his parents were coming to visit in November and he didn't want to tell me. I was honestly upset because here he was again hiding things from me.

His parent came for their visit, and not surprisingly, I didn't hear from him much. We did meet once for breakfast and spoke here and there, but definitely not as much as before their visit.

Around Thanksgiving he told me he wanted us to be together and he asked me to move in with him. Again I was surprised, but I thought maybe it would be good for us to be in the same house so that we could continue to move forward.

I moved in the week after Thanksgiving and things were okay. I was working quite a bit, so the time we spent together was good. We were aware of each others feelings and I was aware of how I spoke to him (something that was always difficult for me to do before).

I left to see my family for the Christmas holidays, but did come home a day early to spend Christmas day with him before I had to go to work at the hospital.

We have had some not so nice moments here and there.....him making selfish decisions, but we managed to talk through those. Overall, things had been moving slow. We have not really had much intimacy recently and I have noticed him pulling away a bit.

Yesterday I mentioned that something wasn't right for the past few weeks and he agreed. He told me that he is having a difficult time with the fact that I don't want to have any kind of relationship with his family moving forward. I told him how I felt quite a while ago and he said he understood, but I guess now that we are trying to see if this will work, he is having issues with it.

Me not wanting to be around his family comes from the fact that during the time we were separated, his mother and father spoke poorly about me to him on several occasions (he told me this). His father even went so far to tell my H that if we got divorced that he "should take me for everything I have." I am the bread winner in the family and all the money we have in savings, 401K etc is money I have contributed. His mother asked him to lie to other family members about what happened between us, and even said to tell them that I was the reason we split up. When we were together before BD they never showed me affection, or really made me feel like I was part of their family. His mom has been pretty standoffish for the majority of our marriage. I have always thought that she felt like I was not good enough for her son.

H still has a parent-child relationship (in the sense that he still acts like a 5 year old around them) to this day and this man is 45 years old smirk

I told him that my boundaries are very strong on this and I honestly do not want to have a relationship with them. I told him he seems to be having a very hard time with this and I thought it would be best if I moved out and we no longer tried to work on us anymore. He said he didn't want that and he wanted us to be together.

He wants his parent to be able to come and stay in our house and to act like things between us were never an issue, and that they never said those horrible things about me. Never once did I ever hear from them during those 2 years we were separated.

So now I am stuck. I honestly do not know what to do.

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
skm,

So happy to hear from you and not surprised that you two got back together.

Very easy to understand your feelings and where they come from, but and here's a big but, I think you both are expecting too much, too soon.

I think it is too soon for you to tell him that you will never have a relationship with them again. I think it is too soon for him to tell you that is a deal-breaker.

I would suggest that you ask him for time. Time to work on the two of you and strengthen that bond and bring that back together before you begin adding in all of the wildcards that make that situation more difficult.

I would suggest that you approach him with a compromising spirit. Tell him that you want the focus to be on the two of you. That you don't want him to lose time with his family and that you guys can plan around that until you have had more time and more distance from the pain and can see what kinds of effort they are also making to repair the relationships.

This is the kind of thing that can look very controlling, very quickly if you are not careful. Yes they were horrible to you, but they supported him in a difficult time as you would hope any family would do (even if the way they went about it was not good and even if you were on the wrong side of it).

Something else to consider, perhaps sooner than later, is a post-nuptial agreement to help you allay some of your financial concerns in view of the fact that you have been the breadwinner, that the family betrayals are tied to the financial distrust, and, let's face it, your H has not been good about taking care of business.

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
Ownit....thanks for the reply

I agree with you about time. I mentioned to him that I thought we should be working on OUR relationship first before we even think about bringing anyone else into it. I have never asked him not to have a relationship with his family. I also have never said they couldn't come visit, but what I am standing firm on is that they will not be allowed in my home.

I know it sounds pretty harsh (and controlling), but it is honestly how I feel. We did not have a good relationship to begin with so I just don't know if it would be possible to ever recover from what they have said and done to me. Plus I just honestly have no desire to be cordial to them. I know that if I never saw them again or never had any kind of interaction with them ever again my life would be just fine.

After having to go through all of this that I have been through the past 2 years, I have made a decision that I do not want people in my life who don't have my best interest, and they have proven to me that they don't.

Never even considered a post nuptial agreement.....definitely something to think about. He did say the other night that he wouldn't take any of the money....but I have a feeling if it ever came to that he probably would because his father would push him to.

Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
S
SBJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
skm, I was thinking about you the other day. I'm glad you have come back to keep us up to date.

I agree with OwnIt on the too much too soon thing, but I also understand the odd relationship with your in-laws. My ex was the same with my mother and step-dad. It's not that they did not love her, but that they didn't have anything in common. My parents are alcoholics and my w doesn't drink. She saw the relationship with my brothers wives and I think she was jealous. They would all get together and have a drinking fest, but we had small children and my w didn't find that to be fun.

Now that my parents are on the wagon, their whole demeanor has changed and I think that the would get along great, but that ship has sailed for now. We will see what the future holds.

I won't say that it is easy to get over hurtful comments towards you, but I will say that a parent will crush whoever is against their child. They believed him when he told them that you were the issue. They took his side throughout the entire separation and probably helped fund his lifestyle too.

Your skin has thickened over the last two years, so maybe if you develop a WTF attitude towards them and kill them with kindness things would change. I'm no Dr. Phil, so you can take it or leave it, but that technique worked with my sister-in-law and her husbands parents. (SIL on my wife's side).

Take care of yourself and your dogs. Stay strong!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
Hey SBJ.....

I do agree that my skin has thickened over the past 2 years. I also realized that I really only want to be around people who truly want to spend time with me for who I am and not what I can do for them.

I understand that a parent will do whatever is necessary for their child regardless of whether they were at fault or not. But, as a woman, I would have thought that his mother would have at least reached out to me in some manner to say that she had some form of sympathy/empathy/compassion for what I was going through......but nothing.

There is no question that they funded his lifestyle and also contributed to his way of thinking for quite some time, this was true even before the BD or separation. To this day they still tell him what to do in certain circumstances.....I find that so weird.

The truth is I already have a WTF attitude toward them wink

One thing I am having a hard time with is his decision to hold affection from me because of the way he felt......seems very immature and childish. I do not have the time for that kind of relationship with him. I find myself not having any loving feelings towards him, and not wanting to move forward with the relationship. This has definitely changed my feelings towards wanting to put in the work.

He has texted twice today and I have no desire to reply to him.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Don't rush the process. I think you moved back in w/him too soon. He's still baking and he's still got some issues to resolve. You are going to find that you will become frustrated, disappointed and possible angry w/him because he's not grown up yet. You have expectations of how things should be and yes, of how he should be behaving...drop those expectations...treat him like a roommate and go on about your business. Again, I think he's still in the oven baking.

As for his decision to withhold affection because of the way he felt...sounds like passive aggressive behavior. If he does this, do not let him see that it bothers you. When he realizes that you aren't buying into that PA behavior, he may stop it. It's his way of controlling you, your thoughts and behavior. Don't give this man control over you.

My advice...if you find that things aren't progressing well and you are having more doubts, you may want to consider getting a place of your own for a while. Living w/someone in crisis who hasn't resolved his/her issues is difficult. You find yourself walking on eggshells and questioning your every move. If you haven't done so, read up on PA behavior.

I wouldn't reply to his texts unless they are urgent or a need to know. Give him something to think about. Allow him to wonder what you are doing and where you are.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
Hey SKM, thanks for coming back to update.

I was excited to hear that your sitch is getting better although I agree that maybe you moved back too soon? Too many expectations and stress on each other to act and behave a certain way whilst he is still all over the place. However I can see that your living situation wasn't ideal so it was probably more out of necessity.

Gosh the issue with the in-laws is tricky although I think you should take advantage of the fact that they do not live in the same country. I know if me and H ever got to the stage you are at it would take me a very long time to warm back up to his family. They literally dropped me from day one of H moving out although I think they would have done this to anyone as they are a socially backward family!

I look forward to your updates (((SKM))).


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard