The only way to reach him is just hope he stops by. I'm not sure I've seen him lately. PAGING TXHUBBY.
This coming up weekend (23 and 24) would be the best for me. But I might be able to do other weekends.
If it's just the 2 of us, then I'm not sure where. But if someone else joins up, then we need to try to find a central location. It sounded like San Antonio would have been the best.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
I woke up this morning and realized, I'm not detached like I won't to be. I'm so anal about this while situation. I think about the M and R all day. I hate it. I know the best way to save my marriage is to detach properly. I'm so worried about her reactions to what I'm doing that I don't go with the flow. I'm over analyzing too much.
Any advice on how to get to the point of not thinking about the M and R all day. I GAL.
The other problem is we live together. And she talks to me but I'm so reheated rehearsed when I talk to her, I seem fake.
What have others done to overcome this?
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Any advice on how to get to the point of not thinking about the M and R all day. I GAL.
No, unfortunately it is a process. GAL helps but it takes time and distance. I can imagine that it would even harder to do when your going through an in-house separation. IMO it probably takes close to a year to completely detach, it's not a light switch.
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The other problem is we live together. And she talks to me but I'm so reheated rehearsed when I talk to her, I seem fake.
I think as you continue down the path it will seem less fake and become more comfortable. I used to analyze every thing I said and my W said. At the end of the day it is exhausting and a waste of energy. When my W first moved out I hated going to kid exchange and got nervous every time I saw her. I do not get those same emotions. To me it boils down to time, distance, GAL and re-building your self-confidence.
I have read on other sites, that if you S is in an A then the LBS has to make themselves more attractive. Is that the same as making yourself a person only a fool would leave?
Also, is detaching a contributing factor to the LBS confidence and appeal to the WS?
Becoming more attractive is important, but here's the thing.........it is more than just the physical appearance and dressing better. Have you ever seen a beautiful woman married to a man that was not exactly Hollywood material? And, many very handsome men marry a woman that wouldn't win beauty pageants. So, what is it that draws them to each other? There was something that wasn't just physical looks, but something deeper. They had a chemistry.
My point is that becoming more attractive must go deeper than just physical appearance. It is what she sees in your manliness.There needs to be chemistry felt. Women are attracted to what they see in his manliness. She respects a H who won't take her b.s., and he won't put up with her crap behavior. There is no way in hades he would tolerate disrespect, betrayal, and cheating from his W. He doesn't beg & plead with a cheating W. He drops her like a hot potato if she dares to bring another man into the picture. Yes, he still loves her, but she is not attracted to his love right now b/c she has changed. Rather than showing her how much he loves her by sticking it out, showing her he's the bigger person, trying to prove how well he has improved, etc., ..........he needs to let his manly character shine, and stop pursuing her, and let her go. When she sees this action, it causes her attention for OM to be distracted and focus on why her H isn't interested in her anymore.......and she becomes very inquisitive about his GAL activities. I realize this may make no sense to you, but what you think or feel you should do right now.......is probably the opposite of what works with a WW. I can't express everything in one post, but I do have some threads about the WW.
Women are drawn to the "cool" guy..........not a shumk, a wuss, an "all talk and no action" guy, not a "know it all", not a man she sees as being weak. This is very important when dealing with a WW..........if you show weakness when interacting with her, it really turns her off. She admires the guy who has self confidence.......but isn't a show-off. He has inner strength and it shows by the way he handles himself in situations......and especially when dealing with unpleasant people, including her. She respects the man who will stand up to her and not kiss her a$$. Now this may sound totally opposite of what some men had in mind about attracting a woman. Sure, women love the charm, attention, and romance........but right now I am trying to give you a picture of the natural qualities that causes attraction.........including a WW.
There has to be chemistry. That's what attracts her to you. So, let me name off a couple of things that absolutely kills chemistry in a MR, and I am speaking in cases of no type of abusive behavior. IMHO, a passive man is the number one thing that kills it for a woman. When you start taking a back seat in the day-to-day stuff. You leave most things up to her, b/c you think it's easier to just go along with whatever she says. Then, it's not long until she is calling all the shots and you are trying to please her......thinking it will put her into a better mood. Your daily life is pretty much based on what kind of mood your W is having that day. And, the more you cater to her, try to appease her, etc.......the more she seems to be moody. It's like she has this anger just below the surface......but you don't know why. She begins doing little things that are disrespectful to you, but you tell yourself not to make a big deal out of it and to be the bigger person, and so you don't do anything about it. She ups the level of disrespect, and as time passes she resents you and has lost respect b/c you've stopped being the man who attracted her way back at the beginning.
A lot of people these days talk about marrying their best friend. Whatever........but frankly, I think many couples find themselves as roommates b/c they just have a friendship and it killed the chemistry. Maybe it's the friendship mentality, instead of having a lover's mentally. When you've you been M for a few years, you learn you have to work at maintaining chemistry to keep that attraction between the two of you. Getting too comfortable can lead to laziness.......and the spark is gone. Women need that spark to nourish their feminin soul, and when she is starved long enough..........she will often times try to find nourishment from other sources. She may turn to reading romance novels, become obsessed about a celebrity, have an imaginary affair, have an emotional affair, or a physical affair. This is a woman who is searching for a man who causes sparks in her. Her MR is lacking that chemistry and she feels empty.
So, to answer your question about being a man only a fool would leave.......absolutely. However, the problem is that men's idea of what that looks like......is far from what attracts the woman. In other words, many H's first action to save his M is to start doing more work around the house. Okay, but just understand that is not what causes sparks. She may appreciate it, but most WW's expect it.....so there you go. In her mind, she's thinking, "Well, it's about time"! You see, her mindset has changed and she's not the girl you married. So, go ahead and work yourself to the bone, take care of the kids, cook the meals and clean..........but it will do nothing to attract her to your manliness. She needs to see that manliness in you. And I'm not saying it's not manly to do these things. I'm telling you from the view point of a wayward mindset that she will take advantage of anything you try to do for her.......be it housework, or whatever. No sparks there. She could have someone else to do these things.......but it would not cause her to be sexually attracted.
Therefore, I say to improve your manliness. And I am saying this as if I am talking to all the men here, and not just personalizing you. I talk a lot about the mindset of the wayward wife, and some people may think it doesn't matter.......but if you are informed about what you are dealing with in her.....why wouldn't it matter? It would give you a better insight to how she operates, responds, etc. I can promise you her mindset has changed and she has changed. The old ways you might have used to smooth some situation will not work with her now.
Does any of this make sense to you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It does make sense somewhat. To me it almost sounds like, dump her altogether.
Early on Sunday morning. I had, had enough, I told her get her things and get out. She fought against it. Then I told her she had two choices, stop talking him and stay or you can leave and do what you want. She sent him a message and stayed. From what I can see now, she has not contacted him. Will it stay that way I dont know.
When you talk about manliness, what does the entail other than not taking her mess?
Is detaching a part of manliness?
Sandi, I love what you tell me, the application is the problem.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I know you can't give a definite answer about what each person should do. It seems to me that you are trying to give me tools to help me get my respect and show my wife that I'm manly. A lot of times, the problem with tools is, if you never used them before you need a lesson, someone to show you how they are to be applied.
I guess what I'm asking is, if really the correct answer for my and other's situation, just detaching or do we no matter what have to eventually drop the D papers. I understanding our wives have to feel like they are losing us, but to me, and for my situation, it seems to me when I was detaching, it gave my wife my room and time to talk to the OM. Should I even care if she talks to him, because, your words were,
"She respects a H who won't take her b.s., and he won't put up with her crap behavior. There is no way in hades he would tolerate disrespect, betrayal, and cheating from his W. He doesn't beg & plead with a cheating W. He drops her like a hot potato if she dares to bring another man into the picture."
You say detach and get her inquistive, when doing that, is the worry ever about what she is doing with the OM? Or, does he not even care and the LBS go on with his life.
Pls provide feedback.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
That has always been the part that confuses me. We're supposed to detach and GAL, while W carries on this A. But if we catch her messing with OM do we call her out on it or simply ignore it? Being manlyvwould have us address the issue. But detaching would have us not worry about it due to the father are no longer concerned with W actions. This is where it gets confusing. Especially if there is an in house separation where all this is happening in front of you.
