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gw5263 #2762394 09/19/17 12:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: gw5263
So Sandi2< Should i just start detachment and 180 her? What should i do with the OM? Ignore that he is even alive? Kinda at a loss for what steps to take to fix this mess. I know ive made it worse, she told me this morning that all the stuff ive done since we originally separated has taken us working it out off the table. Now the stuff with turning him in has caused an issue where she threatens to " Hate me forever " for ruining his life because she says hes done nothing wrong, shes the one who did the damage to our family. Yesterday she showed my son gifts she bought him and told him not to tell me. What do I do? Where do i begin? I have a general idea, buit thats it. Ive been reading your posts and think that 180, detachment, and GAL is the way to go , but your absolutley right, it feels like the wrong thing to sit back and let the affair go on unimpeded. It does truley feel counter intuitive as you said. Im just lost right now.i think i have it under control and i really dont.


He has done nothing wrong? He knew she was married, correct? Yet he still did it. not only that, but you mentioned he had done it before? Let him live with the consequences for his actions. I agree with Joe that you appear very weak. Indeed you knew she was going off for a week with him and you didn't take any action on that, correct?

Again, detach, GAL and live it. Spend as much time as you can with the kids and help them get through this as well because this can't be good for them. If she chooses to go down the path of leaving the M, then let her and DON'T support her in any way in that cause. again DETACH. Its hard as h$ll, but the only way you can turn this ship is if she thinks you've moved on.


Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10;
HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17
Kids Together D4, D1.52
W Moves Out: 03/16/17
W Files : 03/17/17
D Final: 10/23/17
KGuy #2762400 09/19/17 03:26 PM
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IMO, you shouldn't take any advice from your wife on this. This is your decision and she knows it. Dont let her influence it. Show her she don't have power over you.

"He didnt do anything wrong". Other than sleep with a married woman and go against the oath he swore to. He's in the military.

Again she has no power over you. Show her she doesn't.

Listen to her logic, shes going to hate you, but she is the one who slept with OM while married. You should be the one dictating here not her. She decided to sleep with a man in the military now they both must pay the price.

If you are worried about getting her back, do you really think she's going to come back if you don't say nothing and let their affair continue?

You have to show her you are moving on (at least she must think that). And the best way IMO is to report this and detach hard as you can. Don't text her, call her, email her, or take any calls from her. Dont respond to her at all. If she tries to talk to you about you turning him in you turn and walk away. Stop giving her attention.

You know the right answer in this, but you dont want to upset your wife. It's time to take back some control. Doing the right thing is not always the easiest thing. It's going to hurt and be hard as he'll to deal with. Get prepared.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
KGuy #2762401 09/19/17 03:43 PM
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She has this narrative she sticks to about emotionally separating from me before talking to OM, which i dont buy. She never changed the way she acted towards me until I discovered her dirty little secret. She knew him from High School and claims that one night she saw he was on FB and started to tell him our issues, and he worked his magic. Yes, i was weak in my handling it. I didnt know what to do. I appeased, I begged, I cried, I yelled. Had no idea what i was dealing with and no help. Now i know better. I am learning to do as everyone has said. She told me that all the fighting for us and asking for chances was pushing her farther away. Today she told me that all the effort i attempted to put in to save us actually drove her way past the point of working on us. She forgets that i saw her texts to OM before the Separation telling him she wanted a life with him and not me. I realize now what Sandi said. She needs to be dumped, not me. How can i go about this while living in the same house?We have 2 kids if that matters. This A is strange to me because they have seen each other physically 2 times. Everything else is calls, facetime, and texts due to distance, and i cant understand how she expects it to last and be forever. How can she possibly have fallen in love and decided he is her soulmate over a phone? I realize he says everything she wants to hear and makes her feel great with his comments. But ithink most everyone would agree that physical contact would be important too. And they have none. When she told me she wanted to be with him, i told her to leave and go be with him and she refused, saying she didnt want to leave the kids. Im so confused by all this. She acts most of the time like nothing has ever happened, like it was 9 months ago. But if i bring it up she gets belligerant or cries, or shuts down and says nothing.


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2762432 09/20/17 01:28 AM
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gw5263,

I agree it does seem strange regarding how anybody can feel this way about someone else with as little contact as you mention BUT it happens all the time and usually needs very little to create that attachment especially IF the WS feels there is something fundamentally wrong in their MR.

Most of the time the MR is normal/good but again all it can take is a tiny bit of intimacy from AP/LO and they’re hooked. Again sometimes it’s already instilled in them through their upbringing and all we can hope is that they can come to realise this and work through it!

My original post is all about the limerence effect on WS and the phases they go through, literally a seductive look or secretive kiss and that’s it we’re in phase one infatuation, once here it’s REALLY difficult to get out of and your only hope is to start the DR journey and allow the process to happen. Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone their actions BUT do understand that to a degree they are unable to escape the feelings the A gives them especially if it hasn’t been discovered.

You need to understand that your S is no longer the person you knew before AND that your MR will not be the same again EVER.

But that doesn’t mean with the right advice and work by BOTH of you when the limerence wears off (it has to by the way) you can’t go on and have an even better MR knowing where you both fell down previously and learn to dodge those issues.

Take care.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Parkema #2762436 09/20/17 01:44 AM
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GW,

You keep asking the same questions. You know what you need to do.

Don't try to figure out what she is thinjing and why she did it. She told you why the marriage is over work from that. I'm telling you from expierence that will drive you crazy.

Again, you and opportunity to take back some control. You have to be a man and dont worry about your wife feelings in this. Care for her, but don't get caught with she is going to hate you. If she dont have consquences to deal with, she is going to stay in her fog. Give her some reality to deal with. Thats what a husband and true friend does, be honest and give the people they love the reality of the situation. If you are thinking you are going to lose her. I would ask you this, is she yours now? If your answer is no, you have to honest with this answer. Then you know the next step.

You can shed light on this situation and do it oit of care for your M and W. Also, she will never respect you if you dont do nothing. A woman that don't respect will never be yours.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
joejoe1 #2762477 09/20/17 04:24 AM
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I have a question about boundaries -
I have a plan to set a couple but need input. She currently only has contact through Text, Facetime, and Calls. Due to our remote location, she cannot get service for a call unless she goes up the road about a half mile. So in house she is texting whne im home, and from what i have seen in her call logs and heard from the kids, Facetiming from the house via wifi

She is afraid that i will turn her OM in for what he is doing- Should i use this as leverage for the boundaries?
If you text or facetime while in the home around the children then i will X
If you use money that you earn that should come into the home to buy him trinkets to ship to him then X? Any thoughts? I actually caught on to and defeated an attempt at manipulation yesterday. Her tactics are becoming very obvious to me now.
All along i should have caught on, I have worked in law enforcement for 21 years now and i am a trained investiogator, however all of this seemed to make me blank out, or forget some of my training until just now. I am in the process now of detaching,only answering things related to bills and the kids. I do need some advice on detachment while living in the same home with children.


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2762480 09/20/17 04:37 AM
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Don't use that information as leverage. You will only push her further underground with her communications with him. You threatening her won't get her back or to stop talking to the OM.

If you use that as a threat she will call your bluff. So you are going to have to pull the trigger either way. Tell her what she cant do is not setting a boundary.

A boundary is, her doing something to you that violates you.

The only way to have a chance to get your wife back is get your respect and act like the man you are.

She will feel your hesitation. And she will see your reluctance. IMO you are trying not to make her hate or mad at you. No matter what you do, she will have anger towards you.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
joejoe1 #2762482 09/20/17 04:41 AM
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so what do i do Joe? her contacting him violates me IMO
She doesnt yell, she doesnt start arguments, so what type of bouindary do i set? I cant tolerate her doing this in the house. She wont leave, so what are my options? I am detaching, i am keeping communication to the kids and finances, bills. What boundary do i set? Im new at this so i have no idea. I have ceased all efforts to try and win her back because thats weak and fruitless right now.


M 51 W 46
D14 S13
M 16yrs
T17yrs
BD 06/25/17
OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY
Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
gw5263 #2762485 09/20/17 04:50 AM
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Do you pay her cell phone bill or for the internet? If so you can stop paying her cell phone bill. But if you need the internet that won't help. You can't force her to stop talking to him, she has to wont to do that on her own. But you have an opportunity to shed light on the situation. You have an out here. You are afraid to use it. Make her deal with the consquences.

But you cant force her to stop talking to him. And telling her to stop talking to him is not setting a boundary for yourself. It's you trying to control. You are detaching, you cant control another person.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
gw5263 #2762487 09/20/17 05:05 AM
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GW,

As you can see Joe is also new to DB and is learning on the fly.

Setting boundaries are about what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate. (protecting you)

The key word is you. You can't control another person (your wife). You can't say to your W "you can't speak to the om on the phone". She is an adult so she can do as she pleases.

However, you can say "W you can contact OM while in the house if you would like, but if you continue to disrespect me and our marriage in our marital home, I will ....................

You have to fill in the blank with the consequences. There has to be consequences to a broken boundary and if broken they have to be implemented.

******* BIG NOTE******** DO NOT set a boundary unless you are willing to go through with the consequences if broken because it will just make you look weak and make matters worse.

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