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LH19 #2762328 09/19/17 06:08 AM
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Yes you are very right.


M 11 Dated for 4 years before then
Me 35 H 39
D 10
BD Feb 2016
A 2015 Dec
I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately
I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Lovelyp #2762336 09/19/17 07:24 AM
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chris19 Offline OP
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Thank you all... This has been given me great insight. I will continue to update.


M:30 W:28
T:9 MR:2.5
NoKids
Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16
Move back in: 1/17
BD: 8/15
She moved out: 9/1
chris19 #2762358 09/19/17 08:17 AM
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Chris, your W is not "reaching out" to you. She is temp checking. You are so enmeshed with her, and she wants to keep you dangling at the end of the rope while she has an A with OM. Before this is over, she's going to try various things to pull you back (Not b/c she wants you, but just to see if she is still in control of the emotional relationship), so beware.

You have handled her constant texting and calling pretty well. You need to get tougher and act as if you are really done with her, not interested in what she's doing.....how she feels.....or anything about her), and move forward. I tell you this b/c I know how that works with the WW, plus......it makes you much stronger. When you read this, you may wonder if I'm pushing a D on you, I am telling you what works, and changing the dynamics is the name of the game. Even if the M isn't saved, you come out a winner b/c of the changes you make and the lessons you learn.

She is playing you b/c she is used to controlling the relationship. She did, right? She worked you like a spinning wheel. This is your chance, Chris, to take charge of things. Instead of being a slave to her constant checking, pouting, invites for sex, calling all hours in the night.......shut off your phone, except when you need to use it to call out.......or, stop responding to her. Stop watching social media, b/c you will naturally look for her stuff. You must emotionally detach, and it's really difficult when you are watching her. Know what I mean?

Although your feelings are telling you that you don't want to detach, and your fear may rise up at times.........I promise you it will be good for your male confidence to GAL apart from her. Go completely dark on her. As long as she is cheating on you, there is nothing to discuss. That is taking charge of your life, instead of waiting around to see what she decides to do about her affair......will she choose you or OM. That's insane.

I'm going to tell you something else that I hope you will seriously consider. If you don't require her to work really hard to get you back (notice I said to get "you" back), and if you let her come back too early and too easily (no work from her), there will be an OM #2, 3, etc. In order to change the dynamics in the MR, you need to decide that you will not tolerate any disrespect from your W, or any woman you may have a future R with. You set the standards in your life, and you decide what you will tolerate. When you decide you will not be her backup plan, her puppet to control, or you taking a passive stance, and you are done with her cr@p........you will see amazing results. It's your call, not hers. This is your life! That is the key to changing the dynamics..... when you decide to take charge of your life, instead of giving all that power to her......and, take the initiative to let her go, and GAL that has no emotional attachments to her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2762399 09/19/17 02:12 PM
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chris19 Offline OP
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Sandi - thank you so much for the advice. Your wisdom and way of explaining everything breaks it down so well!!

You are right; there is really no other way. This is MY life!


M:30 W:28
T:9 MR:2.5
NoKids
Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16
Move back in: 1/17
BD: 8/15
She moved out: 9/1
chris19 #2762403 09/19/17 04:07 PM
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Thank you. I am so glad you could interpret what I was trying to say.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2762416 09/19/17 09:37 PM
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Hi Chris,

You have the guru on your side, we all love Sandi.
If like me and you’ve been advised by Sandi you will see a constant in her posts about the Mr Nice Guy Syndrome MNG, I’m sure Sandi will straighten me out BUT basically in my case my WW shows/showed little respect for me if any and this in turn made her belittle me to the point of where she felt too good for me and obviously looked elsewhere. I’m not suggesting you are a MNG but have posted here a list I researched regarding the subject.

Obviously I agree with the rest on detaching and NC BUT have a slight tint on communication with WW which I won’t go into here.

Take from the below what you think is useful, hope it helps.

“NICE GUY” SYNDROME.

1. If it frightens you, do it. Don’t allow WW to dictate what you do based on the response you’re likely to receive AFTER you’ve done it.
2. Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
3. Put yourself first.
4. No matter what happens, know you will handle it.
5. Whatever you do, do it 100%.
6. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got. < 180
7. You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
8. Ask for what you want. How else does anybody know if you don’t voice your needs..?
9. If what you are doing isn't working, try something different.
10. Be clear and direct.
11. Learn to say "no." And hang the consequences…
12. Don't make excuses.
13. If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
14. Let people help you.
15. Be honest with yourself.
16. Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
17. Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change. Research “charge neutral”
18. Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever.
19. Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
20. Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.
21. Accept the consequences of your actions.
22. Be good to yourself.
23. Think "abundance." believe your needs are important and that there are people out there who are happy and willing to help you meet them.
24. Face difficult situations and conflict head on. Passivity got you here, man up!
25. Don't do anything in secret.
26. Do it now.
27. Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want. < This is important, look at your PAST R with your WW and see where it fell down.
28. Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong. You are allowed to have fun even if your WW doesn’t like the fact no new R though.
29. Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
30. Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.

Be strong.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Parkema #2762445 09/20/17 02:17 AM
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chris19 Offline OP
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Park - great information here; much appreciated. I will try and focus on these items while I grow/transform into the M I want to be. I actually have a wedding this weekend so I will try and apply these the whole weekend.

Quote:

Slight tint on communication with WW


What is your take on this; I'm not saying I will take that path because I do beehive Sandi and her guidance; I am just interested. And how did you come to this direction? Did you try the complete NC/Dark first, then it morphed into your current views?


M:30 W:28
T:9 MR:2.5
NoKids
Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16
Move back in: 1/17
BD: 8/15
She moved out: 9/1
chris19 #2762554 09/20/17 08:46 PM
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Chris,

I’ve tried to make this short and written this 4 times now so apologise for the length of content.

“What is your take on this; I'm not saying I will take that path because I do beehive Sandi and her guidance; I am just interested. And how did you come to this direction? Did you try the complete NC/Dark first, then it morphed into your current views?”

Firstly let me say each situation is different and as such people will deal with theirs differently to someone else, in the early stages of coming onto these boards and DR’ing I found/find the advice slightly biased to R’s that are based on the WAS/MLC and NOT the A, in fact there is little in the DR book about infidelity.

Please I urge you to take Sandi’s advice I didn’t see it at first and was against some of it in the early stages of my situation but as time went on I could see how she’s bang on. Realise Sandi has a unique skillset here due to her own situation, use her advice.

I have also learnt whilst on here that giving advice can be very dangerous and very subjective, who am I to say what I’m doing is right for you? So take what I’m about to say with a pinch of salt and focus more on what’s actually working and getting the results.

Communication I feel is a key area in trying to RC, if we don’t talk how can we express ourselves? I again am all for the NC and definitely detaching (I see this now), and the best way to detach is to GAL!
What we must learn and early on is that we can’t control anybody else we can only control ourselves so what’s the point in trying to affect what WW is doing its more likely to do the opposite, not only that BUT has a detrimental effect on us mentally.

Now where I differ and get so many 2x4’s is I take the stance that no body leaves someone for someone worse, in nature I’m sure your aware the female is ALWAYS looking for the best partner, the alpha male the one that they feel will keep them safe and secure and of course good breeding stock. Initially you were this person and your WW “fell” for you but over time things begin to happen in a marriage and we get into a rut, without being taught the signs we don’t tend to repair these issues (no one is taught this) and we are where we are.

The AP/LO is ahead of you in this department, he’s being fed the answers by your WW through better communication they are literally talking about your short comings and of course he’s taking this all in and adapting to the information which of course leads to him being “mister wonderful” and her “soulmate”!
So what do we do? DR’ing and these boards would suggest NC, detach and again I would agree IF that suits your situation and you’re getting the desired results but some can’t help but have to have some sort of contact due to kids (< this is me).

I do see my WW almost every day, she’s still in her A but I have no choice due to my situation that’s how it is! So I adapt this and use a modified version of DR to try and gain some results based on the above, how do I manage this to my advantage?

I’ll mention this in my next post, this is getting way too long.

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Parkema #2762557 09/20/17 09:58 PM
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Hi Chris,

My previous post outlined why the AP/LO is ahead of us with regards to striking the right notes with our WW’s, he’s been given all the aces and is winning all the hands BUT this can’t go on that’s the good news. Eventually the masks come off either your WW’s or the AP/LO’s, the fantasy ends and reality kicks in, where should we be when this happens…

DR’ing IN MY OPINION would suggest you work on “letting go” of her and work to moving forward in your life through GAL’ing and forgetting about the whole situation and let them go about their business. I AGREE.

What I have learnt is that not being a part of her A and being isolated from it allows for them to make the mistakes they’ll inevitably do, this is where patience comes in and you’ll need it in spades…
Actually you need to answer the question whether you want to RC the MR I assume you do.

Now I am doing DR –
No contact
Detaching
No pursuing
GAL’ing

Where I differ is when I have contact with my WW (I NEVER pursue her), I tend to be her sounding board I be civil and friendly! I have boundaries of course we NEVER talk about the A or her AP/LO, if she does initiate a conversation about this I either ask her to refrain from doing it or ask her to leave – simple (by the way this has never happened).
I want to build an atmosphere where I’m her safe place, somewhere she can come to to have someone listen to her day-to-day problems (work, finance etc.) and do this in a friendly manner.

[Putting on crash helmet] – I feel over time this method has been diluted on these boards, recently I’ve been reading the “Advice from Wise DB'ers” posts and early on this principle was adopted and now not! What’s changed? Again do what works for you BUT heed the vet’s advice.
I do this as I feel I need to take away the aces. DON’T GIVE THE AP/LO AMMUNITION to fire back at you, I need to be the better person be her anchor when thing get difficult.

When the mask comes off the AP and deterioration sets into the A you need to be the constant, the person who’s always been there with unconditional L and instead of isolating her TOTALLY due to true DR’ing have her know that there’s still something you two could work on – RC…

Please bare in mind Chris my WW is STILL deep in her A and I’m having none of it and don’t condone her actions I stay as dark as I possibly can literally as dark as I possibly can, work on me and “act as if” I know everything in MY and those of my childrens lives is going to be good with or without WW, doing this alleviates unnecessary heartache and allows us to concentrate better on ourselves.

Do what works, if it doesn’t work do something different.

What do I know..!

Mark.


DR'ing started March 2017

Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Parkema #2762579 09/21/17 12:43 AM
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chris19 Offline OP
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Park - thank you for the in depth analysis of your sitch. Nothing is too lengthy on this board, it is great to read other peoples stories and experiences.

I just read you posts so I am kind of soaking it all up; sorry I do not have a lengthy response myself.

I do have a question for anyone here as well. My W is in a EA (possibly PA - never confirmed); and the person lives states away. This has no bearing on anything correct. She is still involved with somebody else; as such, I need to treat it as an A; and continue all the great motivational tools discussed within these last two pages of posts.


M:30 W:28
T:9 MR:2.5
NoKids
Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16
Move back in: 1/17
BD: 8/15
She moved out: 9/1
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