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lcause Offline OP
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I only got SSRIs. They are rather useless. I need more drastic meds, say those that target the dopamine system. But, alas, they could ruin my brain chemistry!!1 So, no chance in getting any.

So, I need to get over her to stop mentally puking every time I'm out SO I get out of this circle and then I can heal.

I think I'm going to find a rebound relationship. I've read studies which indicate those people get over their exes much quicker and end up being happier. Just need to keep in mind that it is a rebound. Emotionally attaching to someone would probably do wonders for me.


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Lucky girl.

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lcause Offline OP
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Maybe so. Or what if I make it really obvious for her? smile

Also, rebound relationships CAN work too. So can affairs. Maybe it could be a FWB scenario? I don't know. You can google for the studies yourself.


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Originally Posted By: lcause
I think I'm going to find a rebound relationship. I've read studies which indicate those people get over their exes much quicker and end up being happier. Just need to keep in mind that it is a rebound. Emotionally attaching to someone would probably do wonders for me.


LC, dude. You feeling okay? In my thread you just mentioned how people jump into a R too soon after D. Purposefully labeling a R as a "Rebound R" seems a little heartless to me.


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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lcause Offline OP
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No I'm not feeling ok at all. I want this f*cking feeling to end so I can continue with my life. Nothing is going to happen before I'm over her.

Yes, too many people jump into the arms of the next person showing any emotional support while imagining it's going to be the "next big love story of the century". That's the worst way possible. Nothing bad in dating multiple people, having sex, not being exclusive, having fun and stating that you're just rebounding. That according to studies is the fastest way to get over your ex and it makes you feel so much more confident.


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Originally Posted By: lcause
No I'm not feeling ok at all. I want this f*cking feeling to end so I can continue with my life. Nothing is going to happen before I'm over her.


OK. Just to be clear, I know that really NOBODY on here is "ok". Hope that didn't come across the wrong way.

Originally Posted By: lcause
Nothing bad in dating multiple people, having sex, not being exclusive, having fun and stating that you're just rebounding.


Well, I suppose if you're up front that you're rebounding, then there's no real blame to go around. But still...


Me-47,XW-43
S13,S16
M:18
BD:4-23-17
W filed:7-17-17
(5 months of in-house separation hell)
W moved out:1-6-18
D granted:2-15-18
Decree signed:3-29-18

Your future is out there. Go find it.
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lcause Offline OP
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25 I'm not working harder on it because again, nothing gives me a good feeling. It's really hard to force yourself to do practises or go out if you constantly think like "when is this over".

I'm like that with say dishes too currently. I had to pack a lot of the plates and cups so I just have a few of each. Otherwise they'd pile up. That's my life and there just doesn't seem to be any way out. I bet finding a new partner would do it though.

I lied. There is one thing that I want to do. Doing things for others, not for myself. That is happiness for me. I remember fixing a lot of things in my xfil/xmil house, but in ours I never even started. I need the validation I get from it and my XW never gave me any. It would have been nice to at least sometime hear the words "thanks for plowing the snow, going to the store and taking out the trashes. I would have frozen outside!". Or similar... XFIL was always so appreciative of everything I did because he never did anything for the house. He has money so small renovations were always made by someone else. I fixed their car multiple times and he was always amazed about it. That is what makes me tick. I don't need anything in return except the words "thank you" and that is sometimes. So happiness for me is putting the needs and wants of others first - as long as they seem like it's wanted. Maybe this is the nice guy syndrome... but I'm not passive aggressive about it or expect any favors in return. Just that the things I do wouldn't be just something expected always. It's really the minor things too. Why couldn't she never appreciate anything I did? I felt so unloved at times.

It's really ironic that NOW my XW is doing it. I take D to ice skating - "thank you". I take kids for one more day - "thank you". She is speaking my LL NOW. It makes this all so much harder. This is why I said it'd be easier if she was angry at me.


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Originally Posted By: lcause
I lied. There is one thing that I want to do. Doing things for others, not for myself. That is happiness for me. I remember fixing a lot of things in my xfil/xmil house, but in ours I never even started. I need the validation I get from it and my XW never gave me any.


You are on this forum, I take it for help so apologies about the bluntness of this but:

Can you see how co-dependant that paragraph is?

I have absolutely no doubt this fundamental flaw is the root to 99% of your problems.

"I NEED the validation I get from it, and my EX wife never gave me any" and she never gave me any".

Ill say it again - Do you understand the fundamental flaw in your mental makeup for you to come out with comments like that?

It is NOT hers or ANYBODIES job to give you validation. You do that yourself. That is a massive burden for her to carry - and she will have picked them vibes up from you whether you knew it or not.

The worst part is the 'irony' that your XW is now validating you so you would rather her be angry at you, rather than hurt you for saying thanks or showing appreciation for things?? - That is really weak - That’s is neither attractive or healthy.

That has nothing to do with brain chemistry or neurotransmitters or whatever study you have recently read.

Your skirting around the problem looking for easy fixes (AD, new fling) and not focusing on the cause. They would simply be further distractions.

You don't seriously believe this do you? -

Originally Posted By: lcause
I think I'm going to find a rebound relationship. I've read studies which indicate those people get over their exes much quicker and end up being happier. Just need to keep in mind that it is a rebound. Emotionally attaching to someone would probably do wonders for me.

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Sure, I am codependent. It definitely is due to neurotransmitters and/or learned/wired behavior/genes. I know it's my goddamn problem. I just don't feel happy about doing things for myself. Never have. It doesn't feel good. There is no satisfaction. I feel happy about helping others. I feel loved when I hear those words. I don't feel loved from getting gifts bought on our shared money - Why would I? I could have bought it myself! I don't need to plow the snow for myself because I don't care about walking on snow. I did it so it was easier for my family. I don't care if our house is messy. I cleaned it up so it'd be nicer for her and kids. And so on. It's definitely something I'm going to look in my next partner. Like it or not. That's how I just feel alive. If they don't appreciate what I do, then they don't love me.

I'm never going to be happy for doing things to myself, because there's little to no purpose.

It's on studies so why wouldn't I believe it?! No harm if I keep in mind it's just to get over her smile


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I need that easy fix or something to throw me out of loop. I get it that you have never been depressed or felt this way about anything. But I can try to create the mental picture for you: imagine something you really hate to do. Something that really disgusts you. Something you can't do. That's how an overweight person feels about losing weight. That's how a depressed person feels about "positive thought and actions". That's how I feel about changing. A healthy brain releases dopamine each time you accomplish something, say play a correct chord on a guitar. My brain tells me "yay you learned one chord... whoooooo it only took you two hours (sarcastic) now please even try and learn the rest of the chord perfectly and maybe then I can give you satisfaction". I hope you see the problem. Sorry for venting but I am just so frustrated and I have nowhere else to write.

I've tried to talk about this but it's just not doing anything. I KNOW it could get better by using a lot of time but that's just the most ironic catch 22 there is. I would love to get better but it is hard and I require more than just some practices I can do at home alone because guess what? If I don't get instant gratification, it's really hard to see the point smile I can logically think it works, having a good diet makes me healthy, lifting weights makes me muscular but my brain just doesn't accept it because it doesn't see results, thus I don't feel good about it. Hope that explains it a bit or overall opens up the mental picture messed up people have. It's definitely mostly about brain chemistry/and learned behavior.


In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced
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