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roist #2762291 09/19/17 03:45 AM
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Originally Posted By: roist
Thanks job. I appreciate your insight and the guidance you offer us all here.

I was really close to asking her what age she was. Would such a question cause some inner thought?

I am relatively lucky that my teenage W behaves pretty well most of the time. My issues appear minor compared to others. Maybe she has realised over the last three years that I have lines she should not cross and won't really test them unless sure she wants out. I am mindful to enforce boundaries whilst avoiding controlling her.

With the exception of Zephyr I don't remember another couple here that continued to live as a couple throughout. Most live-in situations involve in house separation. This non-separation adds an extra layer of complications and issues that aren't present in many of the other threads. Whereas I won't judge which type of situation is preferable I would say I find it easier to know how to act in other people's situations.

Thanks again Job


Agree not asking how old she is. You are poking fun at her.

It frustrtates me when w goes out for long periods of time without telling me when she will be back leaving all adult responsibilities to me. But it didn't help if I asked or called or texted so I stopped.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2762413 09/19/17 08:41 PM
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Yeah I realise she could take it that way or just badly. It was just so obviously childish that maybe if prompted she would see that too. A kind of truth dart reflecting back at her. Job's advice and reasoning is noted for future reference.

Gordie I think you were right to stop. No point headbutting a wall. I have to balance the catering for her being in disconnected mlc land whist maintaining a "normal"life as a couple/family. That is my struggle and frankly that may be the hill we die on. For me if we live as a couple there are boundaries and a minimum of expectations. I don't force her to continue living as a couple.

It is more complicated than that but I don't have the time to elaborate our dynamics.

Thanks for your viewpoint which I appreciate


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2762766 09/22/17 02:44 AM
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Roist,

I have been thinking about your situation. It seems as if both of you are unhappy but there is no cataclysmic cause or catalyst for change--like an AP or a D filing. If the old M is dead, then how to precipitate change/rebuilding of a new one without a catalyst?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2763343 09/26/17 09:32 PM
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Gordie

Another good question. One i have spent three years pondering. On the surface it would appear simple: reconnect and rebuild.

I could talk for hours on theories, strategies and potential options. Ranging from waiting it out to dropping an ultimatum and much more in-between.

I believe my W is not fully lost to me. Maybe that remaining part will vanish too and my story will follow the same path as many here. Or maybe a new better R can be built. Maybe I am deluding myself. But as long as I continue to work towards the me I want to be and my W doesn't pull further away I can support the situation. Not indefinitely though. As littl as I like this situation I don't see separation being better for any of us especially our sons.

Thanks for thinking about me and my situation.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2763777 09/29/17 01:17 PM
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I don't think your w is lost to you either.

I also don't think s makes sense to wait around but only you can judge your time frame.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
roist #2763793 09/30/17 01:10 AM
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roist,

Your W is not fully lost to you...but you need to continue moving forward. Notice, I didn't say "moving on". Moving forward, to me, means continuing to live your life and doing things that you enjoy. It means experiencing new and exciting things along the way, as you leave the door ajar and a candle in the window to guide your W home.

Some will return...and it usually happens when they see their spouses moving forward and living life to the fullest. When you let them go totally, i.e., heart, soul, mind and body...they know it and that's when many of them begin to wake up and slowly reconnect.

You and only you can decide what is best for you and your situation. No matter the outcome, you will be the one to make the final decision on the matter.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2763968 10/02/17 12:10 AM
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Thanks Gordie and Job.

I am doing my best at living fullest within the constraints of my situation. It would be infinitely easier to do that if separated. So why don't I take that easier path. Simply because it moves me away from my goal. I am well aware that that could also be the catalyst required.

For now I sense W is still there and there is a possibility of reconnection without separation. Time will tell.

Speaking of time. It has almost been three years since I declared to W that I was going to do what it takes to save our M. I said I was going to try alone if she wouldn't. I asked for a sign that she wanted to save our M. No obvious sign was given then or since. EXCEPT she is still here, wanting to do stuff together and living albeit limitedly as a couple.

That could be down to her inability to take the steps needed to leave. Maybe deep down she wants me to split the couple and hence the family. But I sense it otherwise.

She has expressed wanting to use our alone time better, do more when kids are occupied and that I (not we) communicate more. Due to doing what I needed to survive in this situation I now realise I am not able to come up with suggestions of stuff to do or to be fully open with her. In the early months of this situation I would have excelled at that. I am not going to over stress about that but it is noted so that I can reflect on it.

I am however disappointed about it as it was one of my first self improvement projects that I worked on and that I achieved.I am sure I can achieve it again. I was wondering if it was a question of ability or motivation. But in writing here I think I found the answer to be motivational.

Regardless my path forward appears to be two paths simultaneously which luckily can go in the same direction. The first is as job mentioned me moving forward, living life fully and focusing on my own needs etc. Parallel to that I will nurture the remnants of the connection between us. This is beyond leaving a candle in the window and the door ajar. I can do this because my two paths are parallel and down the road I can choose just to move forward on my own path. I like that path and know it could be great too. Whilst working on being a better H will also benefit me , there is a secondary consideration and that is if I ever do the last resort technique, the difference will be accentuated for W.

With our wedding anniversary coming up, plus the anniversary of me deciding to save M, followed by our anniversary of when we started seeing each other, I suppose it is normal to reflect on time. Tbh I would say we have a crap R, but we appear that bit better than recent years. That is not enough for me but it is still an improvement.

Thanks for reading


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2763987 10/02/17 02:47 AM
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roist, since my sitch went by so fast, I cannot understand what you have gone thru for this long. I did however have a suggestion as to what you and your W could do together. It is hard to come up with things, but some friends of mine each wrote out a list of activities that they each wanted to do...a bucket list if you will. They then compared the lists and picked one that overlapped. They took up sailing and now can go out together and enjoy themselves.

Another thing that he had stated is that he will invite his W to go do an activity that he really enjoys, but that she has never shown an interest in. He said by doing that she has learned why he really enjoys what he does. After that she invited him...He says that it has kept things fresh for them. They have been together since 1988 and M since 1993.

I have learned this since my sitch began...I so wish that I was able to take my W to play golf or to hunt and fish. These things I did without her to get away, but in retrospect, I realize how they could have brought us closer.

Keep on keepin' on!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ #2764002 10/02/17 03:42 AM
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Thanks Sbj for your support and suggestions.

It's those learnings that we take away from this situation that are so valuable. I had read some R books before this to try improve my knowledge but infinetly more since. I am glad you see that.

Some people say F that and move on at the first hurdle, unfortunately to their next doomed R. If nothing else I want to learn enough from this to prepare my sons for M. I will formulate my learnings and pass them on. My eldest is 10 so I have time. I hope before then to be able to show him how a good couple interact.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2764630 10/07/17 04:43 AM
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Roist,

What are you planning to do for your anniversary?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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